So it's uh... been a crazy year I suppose? Honestly I don't even remember the majority of it. All I really remember is that I changed jobs and met new people... and jesus christ my face is fucking BLOWING UP with zits and it sucks. Might be all the McDonalds I'm currently eating at work for lunch but whatever.
Tonight I guess Sara was having another shindig at her house or whatever and I attempted to go and I kind of had the OK from Haley but then Kier wasn't gonna go cause he's sick, so I decided not to go. I don't not like the rest of my team but if Kier or Tye isn't there it just feels a little awkward cause I don't really know anyone else too personally. Actually not sure why they're my friends to begin with but whatever I'll take what I can get.
I've completed a lot of games in the past year here too. And I'll be going to bed at the same time as always.
I guess Haley had some to drink because I mentioned I was going to the party... kind of reminds me of my ex but I feel like it's best not to bring that up. She's just sitting in the other room reading right now, so it's okay I suppose. But I just remember my... well never mind I don't really want to talk about it to be honest. The hell with her. Tomorrow is just gonna be another day at work. Wednesday actually so only 1 more day until the weekend.
I feel like that's really all I look forward to anymore is the weekend. Of course I look forward to coming home but that's a different, daily matter altogether. On the weekend is when I don't have to do jack shit ever.
Guess I'll just go play a video game.
Merry fucking happy new year, everyone.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
Revolution
Lol I was in HTML mode and thought there was a new layout. Whoops.
Anyway, I haven't written here in awhile so I thought I may as well tonight after feeling just a little bit like shit. I'm probably going to be fired from my current job at the end of this month, and I apparently have no other options for jobs right now. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
I got a motorized bike to get to and from work now instead of walking, whee. I really like it but I know it will get stolen in the next few days because it attracts too much attention. My scorecard at work is at a 1.8 and I'm sure it will be less tomorrow because my represolve is shit. I'm considering just lying my ass off at work just to make people over the phone happy and score me a 10/Yes so I am able to get my score up. I wish I could be super charismatic like Kier is, jesus he is really good on the phones.
And my coach is never at work so I can't talk to him EVER. I end up having to talk to some other coach... well he was at work today but he only stays until like 5 and that's it. And I didn't really want to talk to him because I know he knows I took a couple days off recently. One was a "sick" day and one was a "family issues" day... but it was just because I didn't want to go to work. I think I'd function better having 3 days off rather than 2 days.
Anyway after watching an episode of Revolution which is this show I really like on Netflix, this guy in an episode, it shows some of the characters' back-stories and basically this one guy who is the stereotypical... not neckbeard but more along the lines of "unfit guy with beard who is too afraid to do anything and is pretty much almost useless except when you really need him to not be which is almost never", it showed a part of his backstory where he left his wife after the world blacked out(that's what the show is based around), he couldn't defend her from these guys who were coming to sack their camp and one of their other campmates came and took them out and helped them. But Aaron (the guy) obviously was dealt a pretty shitty blow after realizing he can't do anything, much less save his wife from potential rapists. It showed another scene where he was trying to light a fire with a flint-starter thing and he couldn't and he was talking to his wife about it, about the fight, how he can't hunt. She said that she didn't care about any of those things and that she loved him. But the next day he had taken off without her, er, more correctly the night before after everyone had gone to sleep.
I just feel like that episode really hit the nail on the head for me. I can't literally do ANYTHING well, good or even decently. I suck at my job, I suck at the one thing I actually like to do which is play video games, I suck at puzzles, I'm pretty sure I just suck at eating food too because I just eat... and eat forever. And I suck at sex because god knows when was the last time Haley and I had sex... like 3 months ago? Maybe more? I suck at relationships, I suck at picking up new hobbies which I'll explain, and I just suck at fucking goddamn everything and IT fucking sucks goddamn it. I really don't know what to do with myself.
And women really don't understand men's... not egos but I guess self-esteem mixed with a sort of ego. I mean if you see someone doing something better than you it's gonna hurt your ego/self-esteem one way or another... and you just keep chugging along doing what you can do but in the end you know you suck at it, so why do it?
A part in the episode tonight, Aaron and Nora (another person in their 'party') were in a tough spot where they basically had to shoot each other, and Aaron shot himself in the heart but that happens to be where he put his flask, so the flask caught it and he shot the guy making them shoot each other. So now the 'bodyguards' that were around were without a leader so Aaron just grabbed Nora and just begged this big black dude (I'm assuming second in command or something because I don't think it was recognized in the show) to let them leave and the dude just told them to get their shit and get out.
But at the point where he "shot himself", I felt like... and I mean, don't get me wrong, I love living, but at the same time why live if you're shitty at everything? You could be replaced by someone better than you and the world would be better for it. And at this... no, I've felt like this for a long time. And I don't mean 'LOL EDGY XDXDXD SO EMO' shit, I mean today I realized I cannot do ANYTHING. I'm about to lose my job and probably where I live at this rate and will have to move back in with my mom... -shudder- dear god. I have no idea what I'm going to do... what we're going to do. I can't even perform in a relationship correctly and it drives me fucking up, down, over, under the goddamn wall. THROUGH THE WALL. I just... I don't know what I need to do to BE BETTER.
But anyway onto what I was saying before, I felt like... happy. Like if I did that It'd be all over and I'd be free. Of course I wouldn't actually "feel" anything but damn if I care. The world would be rid of one more useless person, making way for the better people.
I think I'm going to bed... I can't even write HTML/CSS/Java for christ's sake.
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Anyway, I haven't written here in awhile so I thought I may as well tonight after feeling just a little bit like shit. I'm probably going to be fired from my current job at the end of this month, and I apparently have no other options for jobs right now. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
I got a motorized bike to get to and from work now instead of walking, whee. I really like it but I know it will get stolen in the next few days because it attracts too much attention. My scorecard at work is at a 1.8 and I'm sure it will be less tomorrow because my represolve is shit. I'm considering just lying my ass off at work just to make people over the phone happy and score me a 10/Yes so I am able to get my score up. I wish I could be super charismatic like Kier is, jesus he is really good on the phones.
And my coach is never at work so I can't talk to him EVER. I end up having to talk to some other coach... well he was at work today but he only stays until like 5 and that's it. And I didn't really want to talk to him because I know he knows I took a couple days off recently. One was a "sick" day and one was a "family issues" day... but it was just because I didn't want to go to work. I think I'd function better having 3 days off rather than 2 days.
Anyway after watching an episode of Revolution which is this show I really like on Netflix, this guy in an episode, it shows some of the characters' back-stories and basically this one guy who is the stereotypical... not neckbeard but more along the lines of "unfit guy with beard who is too afraid to do anything and is pretty much almost useless except when you really need him to not be which is almost never", it showed a part of his backstory where he left his wife after the world blacked out(that's what the show is based around), he couldn't defend her from these guys who were coming to sack their camp and one of their other campmates came and took them out and helped them. But Aaron (the guy) obviously was dealt a pretty shitty blow after realizing he can't do anything, much less save his wife from potential rapists. It showed another scene where he was trying to light a fire with a flint-starter thing and he couldn't and he was talking to his wife about it, about the fight, how he can't hunt. She said that she didn't care about any of those things and that she loved him. But the next day he had taken off without her, er, more correctly the night before after everyone had gone to sleep.
I just feel like that episode really hit the nail on the head for me. I can't literally do ANYTHING well, good or even decently. I suck at my job, I suck at the one thing I actually like to do which is play video games, I suck at puzzles, I'm pretty sure I just suck at eating food too because I just eat... and eat forever. And I suck at sex because god knows when was the last time Haley and I had sex... like 3 months ago? Maybe more? I suck at relationships, I suck at picking up new hobbies which I'll explain, and I just suck at fucking goddamn everything and IT fucking sucks goddamn it. I really don't know what to do with myself.
And women really don't understand men's... not egos but I guess self-esteem mixed with a sort of ego. I mean if you see someone doing something better than you it's gonna hurt your ego/self-esteem one way or another... and you just keep chugging along doing what you can do but in the end you know you suck at it, so why do it?
A part in the episode tonight, Aaron and Nora (another person in their 'party') were in a tough spot where they basically had to shoot each other, and Aaron shot himself in the heart but that happens to be where he put his flask, so the flask caught it and he shot the guy making them shoot each other. So now the 'bodyguards' that were around were without a leader so Aaron just grabbed Nora and just begged this big black dude (I'm assuming second in command or something because I don't think it was recognized in the show) to let them leave and the dude just told them to get their shit and get out.
But at the point where he "shot himself", I felt like... and I mean, don't get me wrong, I love living, but at the same time why live if you're shitty at everything? You could be replaced by someone better than you and the world would be better for it. And at this... no, I've felt like this for a long time. And I don't mean 'LOL EDGY XDXDXD SO EMO' shit, I mean today I realized I cannot do ANYTHING. I'm about to lose my job and probably where I live at this rate and will have to move back in with my mom... -shudder- dear god. I have no idea what I'm going to do... what we're going to do. I can't even perform in a relationship correctly and it drives me fucking up, down, over, under the goddamn wall. THROUGH THE WALL. I just... I don't know what I need to do to BE BETTER.
But anyway onto what I was saying before, I felt like... happy. Like if I did that It'd be all over and I'd be free. Of course I wouldn't actually "feel" anything but damn if I care. The world would be rid of one more useless person, making way for the better people.
I think I'm going to bed... I can't even write HTML/CSS/Java for christ's sake.
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