https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCgoxQCf5Jg
This video scares the crap out of me. It's not a scary video. It's just a video from Frederik Knudsen about some guy named Terry who put together a literal OS that was dedicated to "god". The whole video is interesting but the way the guy acts and stuff like... god, it feels like it's going to be me in like 20 years. A fucking schizo and out of my mind.
It's weird. The channel is excellent though, I like video essays about random stuff like this.
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Memories
Oof.
Remembering what she got me for xmas once (a tshirt and a disc shooter) got me in the feels while practicing C#. Pls feels I'ma tryina work
Remembering what she got me for xmas once (a tshirt and a disc shooter) got me in the feels while practicing C#. Pls feels I'ma tryina work
Friday, December 14, 2018
Frieakin dreams man
I had a dream where I was on some grand epic adventure with 2 girls who could turn into mermaids in the water.
Too bad I don't remember jack shit from it but goddamn that whole dream was awesome, and it spanned such a HUGE length of time too which was really fucking weird. Bit high on the DMT last night I guess lol
Too bad I don't remember jack shit from it but goddamn that whole dream was awesome, and it spanned such a HUGE length of time too which was really fucking weird. Bit high on the DMT last night I guess lol
Thursday, December 13, 2018
Depression
So, I don't think I have depression but at the same time I dunno. I've been really trying to keep on top of lashing out at people, especially at work and home and tbh, it's been a while since I showered. I basically just dont feel like doing anything and barely drag myself out of bed every morning in a want for money and food at least. I am not taking care of myself at all and I recognize it about myself, but at the same time, I dunno, I just can't be assed to.
As an example last night I tried to test a monitor I had in my room because I was sick and tired of having shit resolution on my second monitor. I ended up using the Earnin app to forward myself 100 bucks to pay back later and I bought a screen that is being delivered tomorrow. Now I gotta work on cutting off this bit of desk and replacing it with some wood or something... I might be able to use the top, idk. I wanna keep my desk small but I also want 3 screens, lol. Eh. Anyway. I was trying to test a monitor and my sides were just BURNING (kidney areas) and I was like jesus christ. It took me a while to recover from that shit. That wasn't out of shape, that was probably kidney stones making themselves known.
I was looking up symptoms of depression and I guess I kind of fit the criteria but fuck me if I know. And fuck me too if I'm gonna pay out the ass to go to a therapist that isn't going to help me/doesn't know what they're doing. I haven't really played any video games in a few weeks, just come home and watch TheLastMage on mixer as well as Youtube when he's done streaming. I consume YouTube content like no one's business. I miss video gaming but I just can't bring myself to launch a game.
The other night I was playing Battlefield 5 with jake and the game removed me from his squad and I just broke. I didn't cry or anything but I just told him I'd see him later and closed the game and just... stared at my screen for a solid 10 minutes, ate some chips, and went to bed.
Man, to be honest I'm pretty sure the only thing keeping me alive now is waiting for cool video games to come out, and food. I'm probably going to lose use of my legs soon actually though. My legs are retaining water and apparently if you don't do anything about it, it wears down the nerve endings/nerves in the leg to the point where you lose use of your legs. I can barely stand for 30 minutes anymore. I can walk just fine though, I just get super winded too if I walk a mile +. I tend to walk fast and quick everywhere so that doesn't help me. My legs actually start to lose feeling if I have them folded under my chair, which just developed this week. Or rather a pins and needles feeling.
Also my left eye is friggin twitching a lot the past couple days and it's annoying as fuck.
I dunno, I just feel like I'm on my own now. I have Jake as a best friend but our lives are so different now that it's weird to be "friends" with him. We barely hang out and when we do it's "hurrdurr kids hurrdurr dogs hurrdurr girlfriend". I'm happy for him and I don't know if that's where he wants to be, but he seems okay I guess, if seemingly "okay" taking verbal abuse from his GF, but whatever. Literally not my business.
Lol I just remembered there was a guy in class I was going to help with his code... too late, I got my code done via some discords and help from friends from Mage's stream. RIP that dude. He stopped talking to me the other day and I stopped opening my mac up and won't really be opening it up again until after Winter break.
Man, idk. Fuck. If anything happens to me to require people to help me, I'm going to ask to be taken somewhere to be euthanized or just stab myself. If I can't work I'm not letting someone else take care of me, fuck that shit man. I'm literally just waiting for the day I can't move due to my poor diet really, or I die in my sleep from muh clogged arteries lol. I was thinking about reaching out on Reddit for help but fuck it, internet people don't give a shit.
Fuck, tonight I was even going to fap to maybe release some of the weird lashing-out rage I've been having but I just browsed pornhub, got a bit of a chub and I was just like "man, I don't really feel like doing this right now." I haven't fapped for the better part of a month at this point. It feels like I'm being chemically castrated or something, idk. My brainpower isn't being put to any better use and I'm still fucking average-retarded so you know, whatever. Lack of a sex drive isn't killing me I guess since I've always wanted it to be lower, since I found fapping to be a chore, but this... I dunno, this isn't how I wanted it to happen. Idk, damn.
Oh, LitRPG books. I still enjoy those. So LitRPG, food, and YoutTube, and video games if I ever get to fire one up again, shit. Man, idk what to do. I don't have anyone to really talk to but at the same time I don't WANT to talk about my problems because I know no one cares about this fucking inane fucking bullshit. I don't even care lol. I don't WANT to care, I just want to live my damn fucking life without fucking emotions fucking everything up.
Meh I'm going to bed in my clothes for the who-know-how-many-time-eth this month. At least it's cold.
Also it's weird I'm getting views on these posts. Who tf is viewing these things and WHY lol!?
As an example last night I tried to test a monitor I had in my room because I was sick and tired of having shit resolution on my second monitor. I ended up using the Earnin app to forward myself 100 bucks to pay back later and I bought a screen that is being delivered tomorrow. Now I gotta work on cutting off this bit of desk and replacing it with some wood or something... I might be able to use the top, idk. I wanna keep my desk small but I also want 3 screens, lol. Eh. Anyway. I was trying to test a monitor and my sides were just BURNING (kidney areas) and I was like jesus christ. It took me a while to recover from that shit. That wasn't out of shape, that was probably kidney stones making themselves known.
I was looking up symptoms of depression and I guess I kind of fit the criteria but fuck me if I know. And fuck me too if I'm gonna pay out the ass to go to a therapist that isn't going to help me/doesn't know what they're doing. I haven't really played any video games in a few weeks, just come home and watch TheLastMage on mixer as well as Youtube when he's done streaming. I consume YouTube content like no one's business. I miss video gaming but I just can't bring myself to launch a game.
The other night I was playing Battlefield 5 with jake and the game removed me from his squad and I just broke. I didn't cry or anything but I just told him I'd see him later and closed the game and just... stared at my screen for a solid 10 minutes, ate some chips, and went to bed.
Man, to be honest I'm pretty sure the only thing keeping me alive now is waiting for cool video games to come out, and food. I'm probably going to lose use of my legs soon actually though. My legs are retaining water and apparently if you don't do anything about it, it wears down the nerve endings/nerves in the leg to the point where you lose use of your legs. I can barely stand for 30 minutes anymore. I can walk just fine though, I just get super winded too if I walk a mile +. I tend to walk fast and quick everywhere so that doesn't help me. My legs actually start to lose feeling if I have them folded under my chair, which just developed this week. Or rather a pins and needles feeling.
Also my left eye is friggin twitching a lot the past couple days and it's annoying as fuck.
I dunno, I just feel like I'm on my own now. I have Jake as a best friend but our lives are so different now that it's weird to be "friends" with him. We barely hang out and when we do it's "hurrdurr kids hurrdurr dogs hurrdurr girlfriend". I'm happy for him and I don't know if that's where he wants to be, but he seems okay I guess, if seemingly "okay" taking verbal abuse from his GF, but whatever. Literally not my business.
Lol I just remembered there was a guy in class I was going to help with his code... too late, I got my code done via some discords and help from friends from Mage's stream. RIP that dude. He stopped talking to me the other day and I stopped opening my mac up and won't really be opening it up again until after Winter break.
Man, idk. Fuck. If anything happens to me to require people to help me, I'm going to ask to be taken somewhere to be euthanized or just stab myself. If I can't work I'm not letting someone else take care of me, fuck that shit man. I'm literally just waiting for the day I can't move due to my poor diet really, or I die in my sleep from muh clogged arteries lol. I was thinking about reaching out on Reddit for help but fuck it, internet people don't give a shit.
Fuck, tonight I was even going to fap to maybe release some of the weird lashing-out rage I've been having but I just browsed pornhub, got a bit of a chub and I was just like "man, I don't really feel like doing this right now." I haven't fapped for the better part of a month at this point. It feels like I'm being chemically castrated or something, idk. My brainpower isn't being put to any better use and I'm still fucking average-retarded so you know, whatever. Lack of a sex drive isn't killing me I guess since I've always wanted it to be lower, since I found fapping to be a chore, but this... I dunno, this isn't how I wanted it to happen. Idk, damn.
Oh, LitRPG books. I still enjoy those. So LitRPG, food, and YoutTube, and video games if I ever get to fire one up again, shit. Man, idk what to do. I don't have anyone to really talk to but at the same time I don't WANT to talk about my problems because I know no one cares about this fucking inane fucking bullshit. I don't even care lol. I don't WANT to care, I just want to live my damn fucking life without fucking emotions fucking everything up.
Meh I'm going to bed in my clothes for the who-know-how-many-time-eth this month. At least it's cold.
Also it's weird I'm getting views on these posts. Who tf is viewing these things and WHY lol!?
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
WeW LaD
Finished my C# class! YayyyyythatwasfuckinghardandIhavetopay2peoplewhohelpedmewiththeclassYayyyyyy
Now onto Art History which Full Sail appparently classifies as a "hard class". How hard can [writing about] some dead art guys be lul
Now onto Art History which Full Sail appparently classifies as a "hard class". How hard can [writing about] some dead art guys be lul
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
Fucking work lol
So yesterday (I'll explain other stuff later but I just wanted to get this down) I took a phone call that I had absolutely no training on and no experience with. Basically there are 3 types of accounts that I am supposed to deal with but the more common are the other two. The third type is pretty rare, and I guess the ADMIN team thought it'd be a good idea to friggin give me the third type of account without me having any prior training on it at all.
Lo and behold I flop that shit because I had never dealt with the sort of thing there. I got virtually no explanation about what I was supposed to be doing besides a large IM from my boss just saying some random shit.
And then my boss is basically like "well ya dun fucked up" YEAH NO SHIT I FUCKED UP, I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT SHIT BEFORE IN MY LIFE. WHY WOULD YOU NOT GIVE THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE TO TAKE WHO HAS EXPERIENCE WITH THE DAMN FUCKING ACCOUNT TYPE AND I'D WATCH TO GET A GRIP ON IT? BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. -_-
Also A Quiet Place is a shitty movie, don't watch it. I friggin love John Krazinksi (sp) but holy hell he should not be allowed to direct movies. He has literally no pride as a man apparently, letting himself get eaten by monsters to save his kids when they could have created a subsonic weapon this whole time to kill them. The characters in the movie were fucking dumb too, I was laughing my ass off in the beginning when the little kid started playing with the spaceship that was making noise and the dad couldn't save the kid in time so the kid just gets picked up by a barreling huge ass monster LOL. God that was hilarious.
If you can't tell, I fucking hate kids. The kids in this movie were fucking brats too and jesus christ they were in a post apocalyptic scenario! Like wtf!
Lo and behold I flop that shit because I had never dealt with the sort of thing there. I got virtually no explanation about what I was supposed to be doing besides a large IM from my boss just saying some random shit.
And then my boss is basically like "well ya dun fucked up" YEAH NO SHIT I FUCKED UP, I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT SHIT BEFORE IN MY LIFE. WHY WOULD YOU NOT GIVE THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE TO TAKE WHO HAS EXPERIENCE WITH THE DAMN FUCKING ACCOUNT TYPE AND I'D WATCH TO GET A GRIP ON IT? BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. -_-
Also A Quiet Place is a shitty movie, don't watch it. I friggin love John Krazinksi (sp) but holy hell he should not be allowed to direct movies. He has literally no pride as a man apparently, letting himself get eaten by monsters to save his kids when they could have created a subsonic weapon this whole time to kill them. The characters in the movie were fucking dumb too, I was laughing my ass off in the beginning when the little kid started playing with the spaceship that was making noise and the dad couldn't save the kid in time so the kid just gets picked up by a barreling huge ass monster LOL. God that was hilarious.
If you can't tell, I fucking hate kids. The kids in this movie were fucking brats too and jesus christ they were in a post apocalyptic scenario! Like wtf!
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