Really sick and tired of "friends"

 Reaaaally sick and tired of me buying stuff for people and they instantly disregard me to play with them in co-op games I buy them.

I bought mage and phantom Eco (and me a copy) which was $90 friggin dollars and they went hard on it for approximately a month and played more than me on it because I didn't know they were playing, because they didn't tell me. So fine, I had to keep up with that. Now they're done with the game (frankly we all got about 50 hours out of it, so worth I guess)

Then I bought Storm and Mage Valheim and guess who was let into the server first? NOT THE GUY THAT BOUGHT THEM THE DAMN GAME. And mage was complaining "oh just wait so we can figure out the game" meanwhile phantom is building a damn hut and knows all the mechanics already. Bro I BOUGHT YOU TWO THE FUCKING GAME JUST FUCKING INVITE ME. I'm so fucking pissed at being taken for granted and advantage of, and it sucks.

And now they're playing stuff that I FOR SURE do not have or want to play to keep me out of playing with them.

I'm basically alone again. ebiggz has stopped coming to my streams basically. Basically everyone has. It's impossible to make a community myself as a personality-less person, and I've been this way too long to change. To fake a personality is impossible for me, mentally. It's too much mental work.

Also ebiggz and emily, his gf, play Valheim too. And I asked him if I could play with him and Emily on their server. And he said it was just him and her playing, so I was like, okay, that's cool. A day later or so I find out they're playing on a 10 person server with 10 people. Do people just not care about slapping me in the fucking face over and over again with this shit?

I really don't know. Yes I know I'm boring to interact with. It's not my fault I use PTT on discord so I don't annoy people with my constant coughing and talking to myself. Thanks autism.

Yes I know my talking sucks and I'm gradually evolving a stutter again basically (bad with vowels, anything starting with a, e, i, o, u, a lot of other words, especially if I haven't been talking for a while). 

It doesn't help I sound like a fucking 16 year old still and probably will forever at this rate.

A lot of days I do wish that someone would just shoot me so I could be done with this burdensome life. Burdensome to other people mostly. But that won't ever happen unfortunately and I'm too scared to do anything myself so I'll just keep living myself I guess.

I've stalled on JS studying because I just get bored after 1 lesson even though I can't build anything yet, but I want to.

I start working from home tomorrow. I'm just thankful my dad doesn't have to drive me to work anymore or from work anymore since I could tell it was a massive inconvenience for him. 

People seem to have an... indifference or ignorance of autistic people as well I've noticed IRL. Like the possibility doesn't exist that a lot of people were sheltered via video games and not being able to go out and experience the world growing up. It's very annoying to have people think it's "fake".

I dunno I'm just waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in now but I ate before I took them so it's probably gonna be a while, ugh.

Being a retarded adult sucks.

 Excuse the following ten-page book lol

I literally buy them stuff and they legitimately leave me out of the games I buy them to co-op with me in. Don't DM me on discord saying "hey we're playing the thing you bought us come play". No communication, they just fuck off with the stuff I bought them for us to all play together. I bought Eco and Valheim for 2 people + me. That's a lot of money to drop on people. Eco was $30 a pop (so 90 bucks total) and Valheim was $20 a pop ($60 total).

I stream (or, try to, lately I've just been very depressed, I keep trying but it's very hard to do right now for me seeing all my other "friends" pull everyone from the friend group to watch them and I don't pull barely anyone to watch me stream) and only 1 person tends to "attempt" to interact with me half-heartedly, I feel like. This person also makes a decent chunk of change and tends to drop a decent bit in Bits on Twitch at me + gift subs etc, (maybe $100 every 3 or so months) which, really only makes me feel worse that someone feels like they have to do that lol. I'm probably looking at it the wrong way. He even bought me two games recently and told me he wanted to see me play them, but like... really though? I just feel like everyone I interact with lies through gritted teeth to interact with me. I know he means well though but at the same time, I feel how I feel.

I'm not a social person and it is very hard for me to understand people (read: social cues) and a lot of people treat me like I'm mentally slow and retarded for some reason, like a small child. (I guess autism/adhd will do this? Not sure.)

I don't understand it but it apparently puts people off enough to not want to hang out with me. I guess it doesn't help I'm almost 30 and sound like a 16-year old on Discord too. I do have a little bit of a speech problem that seems to get worse by the day I feel like sometimes (trouble saying vowels) but it's not that bad, but I also hate it, it's evolving into a stutter.

I'm not the most charismatic person but GEE WHIZ if someone spends $60 out of their very meager bank account to spend time with you over the internet at least invite them to play or play the game more than once with them. And they know I'm poor as fuck lol.

I guess it doesn't help the "main" figure in the group (read: streamer community) is the streamer and I generally have trouble discerning whether or not these people are my friends or just part of the group. I always feel very left out when I see them play co-op stuff together with other members in the community and stay up with them into the wee hours way longer than when I'm playing with the group, and I absolutely know it's because of me.

i.e. recently I bought 2 friends and I Valheim, and we played one saturday together with a couple other people and we were on discord and stuff. (1. they never touched the game again because I have it and instantly sought out other games to play on co-op nights, specifically stuff I do not own) I asked another friend who had valheim if he wanted to play with me and he said him and his gf are just playing together rn. I said okay. I find out today he's playing with 10+ people with his gf on another server, guess who didn't get invited.

I don't talk a lot, I'm very logical and I try to be "loose" when I'm hanging with them online but I also try to keep it formal at the same time, but I don't really say much, again. Since moving twice in the past two years I've tried to "re-invent" myself and create new personalities for me to "be" but because of my autism/adhd it's impossible to do with the group & IRL. I'm hoping with this new job I'll be able to afford therapy but we'll see.

I was brought up very badly, with my mom always buying my brothers and I stuff because we wanted it and she didn't really know how to discipline or say no, besides literally abusing us whenever she was mad so we'd have to just take it and then we'd just get "apology items" afterward. So we were all brought up on "stuff = I care about you" kind of thing. Hard to explain, I guess, but you get it. I also found out fairly recently from my dad that my mom and him suspected I had a learning disability growing up and decided not to get it treated or looked at, at all. Really bit me in the fucking ass.

But that has absolutely effed me socially because now I feel like in order to get people to interact with me, I have to buy them things, and I don't know any other way around it. I know ways around it exist, but it is extremely hard for me to fathom doing it much less actually doing it, because I can't plan ways to do it/ legitimately don't know how.

All I want is someone to enjoy hanging out with me but I am a very boring person, so that's probably why no one does. I wish I didn't feel like dropping massive amounts of money on people only for them to discard the stuff I buy them and my feelings like empty fast food wrappers. My best friend basically cut contact with me because he has a family now so I just feel like I have literally nobody.

I feel like I have to post shit like this every month because something always happens I'm excluded from in the group no matter how much I try to integrate myself with them. I have 0 special skills and am not a deep voiced male, or a woman so apparently that means I'm not worth it to include in any activity ever.

Being an apparently retarded adult sucks.