Well, it's almost been a year since my last post, not that anybody really cares lmao. I'm 31 now, so I didn't off myself at 30, but life isn't looking great now.
I don't even remember making any posts or anything in 2022, though I guess it's been a while. With my ADHD memory problems, it's been pretty bad. But I did manage to get on Medicare and get on Vyvanse for managing it, but it's come to a head in the industry I guess where Vyvanse is also coming up on shortages like Adderall and everything else, lately.
It was a good 6 months, I guess :| time to slowly slide back down into the deep, dark pit of ADHD-Primarily Inattentive.
I did just call my doctor and have them call Wal-Mart to authorize them to fill as capsules too, but I doubt they even have that, but I'm really hoping they do. Meds have helped me so much, I even went through a full-stack coding bootcamp, so I'm "technically" a software dev now, but I still need way more practice and understanding of code. HTML/CSS are a breeze, but React/Express/Mongoose/MongoDB/APIs I still need to work on.
Uh, what else... Apophis is doing well, my bearded dragon. I'm still in Georgia, drink and smoke a little more as usual when I'm bored, but I'm sure I'll drop it again for another year soon, as usual. Getting tired of headaches when I wake up, tbh. A note about vodka: Chilled Svedka tastes a lot smoother and better than a bottle of Grey Goose. Grey Goose is $22 and Svedka is half that price... it's just weird to me. And Svedka is 10 proof stronger than Goose, Goose is 70 proof, Svedka is 80. I dunno, man. Shit's weird. My dad and I also have a half-pint of Jägermeister sitting in the freezer lmao, I'm just waiting for him to crack it open tbh.
I got absolutely plastered the other day sitting outside and just crying while listening to Guilty Gear music: Playlist Actually the most drunk I've been since living with H after we broke up and then proceeded to live together (literally worst decision I've ever made in my life besides not breaking up after the relationship went down the tube, but whatever). I mostly just remember drinking a lot of shots in a short timespan, being unable to move for a while, then dragging myself to bed after throwing up pure vodka, twice. The only other time I did that was the aforementioned time. Usually I just like to keep a nice buzz going.
Lately I've been watching movies with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, they're always such good movies lmao. Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, etc.
I've started putting a lot of pieces together from that relationship and determined that she basically cheated on me almost the entire time we were together just from what I've reviewed, read from other people, stories on Reddit, and my own experiences with talking with other women at this point who have been out of my life for years at this point as well:
I have my own private discord I vent into as well, and I put stories from Reddit into a specific channel to always remind me that women can and will flip their feelings for a guy on a fucking dime, without even attempting to talk about anything otherwise, especially if they're having problems in the relationship and some other dude swoops in and "makes them feel good", and that can be taken multiple ways, sexually or emotionally. Is this a healthy method of coping? No, but all of these stories let me know what to look out for and when it's time to drop the ball and move on, so... and at this point, I'm an expert in cheating detection, from my own experiences, and from all of these stories.
I do admit I had my problems in the relationship and didn't know how to handle them, but the fact does still remain that she did begin cheating super early on, and just kept doing it. I shudder to think where I'd be now if I didn't walk into the living room with her sexing it up with a guy on voice chat. I hope that timeline's me escaped with his head intact, or... maybe had the balls to kill himself. I certainly didn't that entire year. Lesson learned though, never, ever live with an ex. I'd rather be homeless and lose everything than go through that mental trauma again.
I remember taking her to the airport and watching her leave, and I got home and just sat in my computer chair and breathed a deep, deep sigh of relief, and felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders. And I finally understood the meaning behind that phrase. My shoulders were lighter, I was more confident immediately. Her leaving also rekindled me reaching out to my dad, and we're... pretty close now, I'd say. Much closer than the previous 10 years I spent not talking to him because my mom demonized him to us. And I finally understood what my dad went through with my mom, and it just all clicked together that day for me, right after she left. I do think he resents me having autism/adhd, but... dude's autistic himself, and so is my grandmother (his mom). He has more autistic behaviors than me, even, which is saying a lot.
Back to the current point: supporting someone who refused to get a job for 5 years (mTurk is not a fucking job, although she did manage to pull some money from it and supported us for a year and a half on it, but still, like, no, sorry not sorry) and then finding out she was just cheating on me the entire time years later after analyzing everything and putting all of the pieces together... my chest, my heart just hurts typing it out.
I guess joke's on me though since I'm super shallow nowadays just because of that relationship. Nipples not in the center of a breast = absolutely the biggest turn-off of my goddamn life, I don't even care how phat the ass is. Gotta have booba, gotta have good nipple placement or I literally do not want that woman, no matter how well we vibe together. Friends, sure, but I literally can't bang her lmao, no way.
Speaking of being shallow though, there's a lot of discourse on the internet of the 80%/20% rule on Reddit specifically, especially lately. It's been pretty bad for a lot of men, especially on dating apps, but there are also a TON of men who are afraid to approach women in public settings. The 80%/20% rule is that 80% of men are disregarded by women, in favor of the 20% of men who are 8/10 in looks, status, wealth etc and above. And honestly, I have to agree with that. Being nice to women, treating them with respect and dignity, only gets you so far IMO. "Nice guys finish last" might be true in the bedroom, but in a social/relationship setting, it's also true, nice guys will always get the worst of a woman, after she's been around the block quite a few times at this point.
I always imagine myself sitting at a bar and drinking alone and waiting for a woman to approach me, but good god that's such a waste of money lmao, christ. Bars are so expensive. Plus it's not like even if I was my goal weight (200 lbs) I'd even be attractive to anyone anyway. If I lose all this weight, I'm gonna look like I'm in my damn early 20's, I feel like.
I do feel more confident in myself after losing the current weight I had (275 lbs to 240 lbs now, I work out every day, or try to anyway), but I don't plan on being social or even attempting to go out until I get rid of this fucking gut.
I'm basically starving myself, have been for a month, but good lord it's impossible to get rid of this last 40 pounds, thanks, LOW TESTOSTERONE (which was confirmed by my doctor, which I knew it would be anyway, so...) Also, I should probably look into if hard liquor slows down metabolism... eh.
I'm probably going to try and start testosterone treatments soon through my doctor, but I really hope they're not overly expensive. If they are, I'm going to have to pass on it. I can't have my dad or gran pay for that. Honestly I'd rather have my gran pay to fix my front tooth, ugh. Years of soda drinking have finally come back to bite me in the ass, lmao. I want T treatments so I can lose weight easier, and since I have below average T, it makes sense to try, but like I said, if they're not under $100, I ain't doin that shit.
Well, I guess that's it. I'm losing focus on writing this post since NO FUCKING MEDS, so I better post this. Just wanted to write some revelations I've had, and that I'm still here, unfortunately for myself and my family.
I wonder how much some rope is from Lowe's...
