8-6-13

Yay my first day off that has 2 days in a row off! It's almost over though. Today on WoW I did my dailies (Just August Celestials) and then started off collecting minipets. It's actually pretty fun going back to old places that had minipets in the first place that I never paid attention to.

What I wanted to note down was that I really, really loved the TV series Merlin. I wanted to write some fan-fiction about Merlin continuing his adventures in Camelot along with the assistance of Gaius and... oh shoot I forgot her name. Gwenevyre. Not how it's spelled probably but you know who it is. Anyway, it's said that Arthur would return whenever Camelot was in need of him, and I was going to have Arthur help Merlin on his adventures, albeit with a barely missed blade or perhaps finding the right herbs at the right time to help treat a sickness, or etc etc. It'd just be slight, little things but Merlin would always be aware of Arthur's presence though he could not talk to him. Well, her could but of course Arthur couldn't answer him back because he's in the spirit world. I pitched my idea to Hales but she just laughed so I gave up on it. I really want to write it, or at least start writing it. It'd pick up where the TV series left off, but it really demoralized me. Usually she's very supportive but I guess not this time. So I'm not going to do it, which leaves me immeasurably sad. I really want to do it though.

Speaking of that I guess I should mention that I feel like I'm in a bit of a bind. I told, TOLD myself that I wouldn't let a woman control me again after my ex, and Hales isn't, but it kind of feels like it sometimes. Just ever so slightly. I guess it's a woman's charm or whatever but awhile back, I don't remember what happened, but I was screaming at myself to do what I wanted to do in the situation, not what she wanted. But I just did what she wanted because it made her happy. It's not self-sacrifice, it's being whipped. 

Wha-chck! 

That'd be the sound of a whip cracking, my friends. 

Well, close enough anyway. 

Though honestly I don't feel like I'm sacrificing much for her sake so it's kind of an inner-balance thing I suppose, but I'm way more greedy than I let on to her. Well she probably already has figured it out but at least she's still here. I'm not calling myself whipped here, and I'm not to the extent I was with my ex, but I always thought I'd be my own... guy (I am not a man -_- not by my standards) when it came to my next relationship. But not really I guess. Though I can cook bymyself, which is a plus. But we tend to cook together. But that's not the point here. The point is I wanted to be independent of her, but I tend to 'lean' on her a lot for lack of better terms, and it sucks in my opinion. Though it is very helpful, but not what I need to learn. And she needs a therapist to help her to learn to stand on her own in the real world and get rid of that damn anxiety. But alas, therapists are expensive. 

I guess my point here is don't fucking get married. Jesus christ for the love of god don't. I myself like... 75% want to get married just to have someone in my life, but christ am I jealous of my best friend. Though lol, what woman wants this shit? I'm happy with my fiancee wanting me as it is though I still don't know why. I'm a cynical, narcissistic bastard that never wants to have sex and complains all the time and I'm greedy as fuck. But the first time my best friend went to a bar he just made out with some random girl. I was like... damn, nigga. And it just made me feel like shit, because here I am tying myself down at 19, 20, 21 now when I have oh... 50 or so years left ahead of me. Maybe 30 if my diet keeps up like this. Chocolate and junk food, mmm, mmm, good! Right. And he's effing around with this chick from highschool that was his friend. Good looking though, but not my type since I generally want to get into relationships.

I'll just say I'm not a happy camper with my life right now. Content, but not happy. A roof over my head, food to eat, internet, a beast computer, a fiancee... what more would anyone want right? Could use a better job though, but at least I have a job. All of that brings up no gratefulness in me or anything of the sort. I'm actually surprised at how much I think about effing cheating. I hate cheaters and would shoot them all if I had the chance, and I don't want to cheat on Hales, but jesus it's ridiculous! I just... I don't know what to do. Tomorrow all these feelings will be gone and I can start anew as I do every day, but I just felt like I needed to say this because it's been on my mind a lot. It's a place for me to vent and I don't care whose feelings I hurt and whose I bolster.

Maybe it's all the togetherness? I need a hobby, something to get me outta the house besides work. Hales calls my gaming a hobby, but it's not. It's an affliction on my soul for christ's sake. I just sit here and rot away while I play WoW or some other game on Steam. I was actually thinking about picking up smoking. Costly, but maybe the nicotine would fix me. Probably not since smoking causes sterility and from what I've noticed, irritability and laziness. And I don't need to be lazier than I am now, christ. I bought a damn scooter to ride to work instead of riding my bike and I'm just gathering fat by the second but I'm too lazy to work out.

Time to go to the pet store to buy Jormungandr some frozen mice. That's our snake's name. My snake's name.

Still feels shitty, man.