I don't really understand people.
At Afni, I really like the training class. The teacher is really helpful, and she's really nice. However, it's the other students that are my problem... I guess it's been a problem my whole life, and I thought that maybe changing workplaces would help, but it doesn't really.
It's like people think I have a spreadable mental disability or something.
When people talk to me I respond just like any other person and then they just... stop talking to me and leave, even if I thought we were working together or something. Which happened today. I was working with a guy and then we moved onto a different assignment to work in pairs again and he grouped up with a couple girls and that was the end of it. I don't mind working bymyself of course, but it just gives me the vibe people don't want to be around me. It just makes me really sad, to the point where I feel like crying. Do I look stupid or mentally disabled? I remember I thought I did as a kid.
It's just, no one wants to work with me and I wish I could figure out why. I know this is a lonely cry for help in a vast sea of... websites and other blogs, but I wish I knew. I dearly do, because then I could try and fix it. I dunno.
Oh, and on the way home today some guys in a car called me a faggot cause I had to go through the stoplight slow to try and conserve battery power on my scooter to make it home. Either that or I just look like a faggot. Though a skinnyfat guy riding a scooter, who wouldn't laugh/make fun of him I guess? I certainly wouldn't since I've been on the receiving end of that multiple times now, but I guess everyone else gets to because everyone else has a motorcycle or a car. It didn't make it home as usual, by the way, so it doesn't really matter but Haley wanted me to try it.
She wants me to try going medium speed to work also to see if it helps the battery stay longer on the way home so I can make it home. I don't think it will work because it depends on the weight of the rider too, not just how fast you're going, but whatever, I'll try it.
I just wish I could learn how to drive and to save up enough money to buy a car, but we buy far too many little things here and there to save up anything and it drives me nuts. I know most of it is my fault cause I'm really spendy and I can't help it. I keep trying to get her to take out money for savings but she always wants to keep it on the card for bills and food, and I just get sucked into buying stuff online.
I actually considered just DYING, because who would care? Haley, yeah but she'd move on and so would everyone else. That stuff I mentioned has been going on my whole friggin' life and I thought it'd get better when I was in a workplace but it's not and it just... makes me feel like society as a whole is not for me.That's not the feeling I feel like I need to get across but I can't really describe it. I'm not trying to be 'edgy' or anything but I just really feel like I can't fit in with people. I feel like Haley is wasting her time with me when she could be with someone better. People don't want to work with me at work, they just avoid me.I can't get around the feeling people just don't want to be near me. I don't think anyone knows how bad that feels. It just makes me feel like I'm going to be shit at my new job and get stepped on all over the place and I just don't know what to do anymore, really.
Fucking A I can't even play video games right. I'll always be sub-par to everyone else in my life and I'll never be able to do anything about it.
tl;dr who cares?
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