2016.

Ah, 2016.

Well, it's not technically 2016 in Arizona yet, but it's 2016 in the U.S. in New York right now, about 21 minutes past, so whatever, it counts.

I quit my job at Convergys 2 days ago. Hell I didn't even check the date on my last blog post on this blog.

A lot of... well actually, not a lot of stuff has happened to be honest. Haley and I are still together, still engaged because lolmarriageain'tnobodygottimeforthat, and uh... yeah. Bruce and Tank and fine. Uh... I started taking some ashwagandha pills for anxiety to level me out at Convergys along with some l-thyranine chewable tablets, but unfortunately the stress at the center became too much and I quit. I actually didn't tell anyone, I just walked out on Wednesday. Coincidentally that day as well at work I was struggling with the anxiety and put my $50 earpiece my mom had bought me for my birthday down on my desk, then I ended up having to find a new desk and I guess I forgot it there. And the spot I was sitting I was surrounded by Mexicans, so I know one of them took it. I hope they enjoy it, the shit-eating beaner. I had to pick up a headset today (giant bulky one from Big Lots) just to talk hands-free on my phone cause my arms have no muscle tone lmao, so I can't hold a phone up to my ear for long. Plus it frees up my hands for other stuff, like carrying groceries.

But yeah, after I saw that they stole my earpiece, I just left and cried on the way home. I also raged at Haley pretty badly through text since I couldn't even speak. Her anxiety really wears on me. I have to carry the groceries home bymyself, make appointments bymyself, do everything for us bymyself, because she can't do it.

But I realized something yesterday. I may have to do all that stuff by myself, (whereas last year I really didn't have to, she would come a lot of places with me. Grocery shopping, etc, everywhere) but she supports me 100%.

She wasn't mad when I came home and told her I was quitting from Convergys on Wednesday. Even though I was a right fuckin' mess and just cried for forever and just shit all over myself mentally, she still comforted me and let me know we would make it through it okay. And that night she was going to bed (I tend to stay up a bit later but that'll be changing soon unless I find another job soon) and she asked me what I was going to do after she went to bed, and I told her I'd probably write and play some games. And she told me not to be too hard on myself when I wrote, and my mind initially jumped to "No, I won't", but something... flipped in my head. Like a light switch. And I told her that I probably would be, but I just needed to get the feelings out. And she understood and just hugged me and I hugged her and kissed her on the forehead and she went to sleep.

I ended up not writing that night, I ended up writing tonight, but last night I just felt so... emotionally burnt out. Sure I laughed that day watching Archer with her and eating Mexican food, and I laughed watching Draegast's videos, but when I came home that day I had originally planned to take a knife to my throat or heart, or even just my wrists (down the tracks, you emo fake fucks) to just die. I felt like I didn't want to be on the planet anymore, I just wanted it to end. I just want Haley to be with a MAN, not with a piece of shit low testosterone no sex drive lazy fatass like me. But what I felt that night for her... to know that no matter what happens she would be there to support me through anything I do, that is the most... well, not even amazing feeling. Just a very odd, but comforting feeling. Like... being laid down gently into a feather-bed, mentally, is how I would describe it. Ah fuck I just read through what I wrote and now I feel like I just want to lay down and cry.

But I still feel... I dunno, empty? Like...not even a "renewing" of emotions or anything, like just a bunch of flowers that are wilted and dead sitting in some water. And the water is trying to nourish them, but it's just not happening. I dunno, I really expected to feel better after some sleep last night, but maybe because I didn't write last night I didn't feel better this morning. But I dunno.

I also started kind of sort of watching porn again but it's very infrequent, and I can't even jack it to the stuff. Mostly because I'm sitting in my chair with the bed rolled out behind me so I can't make a lot of noise, but I mean... I should be able to "get the job done" but even then... like, I tried, and I literally can't. Albeit there's no noise because if I put a headset on I wouldn't hear Haley get up or anything, but hell, if I used to be able to do it to pictures I should be able to do it to some Futanari videos. But I mentally just like, can't. But the porn like, gets me really fired up and grabbing all over Haley and stuff, and she said it's really noticeable when I watch porn cause I get all grabby which I didn't notice until she pointed it out. So now I can't really even touch her or do anything and even when I don't watch porn (haven't watched it for like, a week now, probably going to just start up not watching it again) I still feel all grabby and stuff but I can't do anything because she'll just think it's a byproduct of porn, when in reality I don't remember any porn, I just want her. Agh, fuck porn, DON'T DO PORN KIDS, STAY IN SCHOOL.

I thought writing this would help renew some sort of feelings in my brain but I guess not. I guess I'll go find something to play on Steam.

Happy 2016 everyone.