4 chons baww part 2, the feelening

I slightly wish some government agency would come and take me away every time I searched for methods of suicide and just dope me up on a bunch of stuff that lets me just NOT FEEL ANYTHING. I always end up reading the same articles and really wanting to get a 100% helium tank but those are far and few between now. I just want to not feel, /b/. I don't want to feel love, happiness, anything anymore.

That dude, Justin, on /b/ the other day had the right idea with the artery but I'm too much of a fucking wuss to do it. I thought about that guy all day today and I will over the course of new year's now that I'm not in a relationship for new year's. Also spending the night at work working overnights new year's eve and day so it doesn't matter if I had a relationship or not, I'm just gonna be selling booze to drunkards anyway. 

If I had a way to numb all the pain during the cut I probably would do it but I probably don't have a way to do that without prescriptions.

And I got a new kitten, I can't leave her with my roommate because I know she will just toss her out of the house on the street or give her to some Craigslist crackhead who can't take care of her.

I just keep getting reasons to keep me fucking tethered here and I don't know why.

Pic related, my kitten. This was a few weeks ago, she's a bit bigger now. Her name is Salty. Just walked out into my living room a few days after I got her and just called her that and the name stuck. Sorry for shit quality.

As I finished writing this Salty climbed up on my chair and just put a paw on my shoulder, haha. Then she went to sleep.

4chons baww

>tfw in love with a girl and she says she loves you but you don't think she does

Kill me

Me:

Fucker. Anon.

Listen to me right fucking now.

Love like it's not gonna hurt you. 

Because in the end, it might, or it might not. But if you live a life of fear and doubt throughout that whole relationship it's gonna suck really badly for you.

I lived it. Six years of it. And I regret every moment of thought that I thought she didn't love me because she did. And I was the dumbass that ended it because, more or less, I thought she'd be better off with another guy. I shattered her heart repeatedly, over and over for 3 months, being a dick to her and overly sensitive about fucking everything until I finally broke it off because I didn't know how to talk about it, and the thoughts every day were ripping me apart.

If I had a third chance (second chance is a long, dumb story) with her I'd snap it up in a heartbeat. I'd sell my computer, all my belongings to be with her again. She is my perfect woman and I fucking messed it up, because I doubted her love for me.

Anon, love like it's not going to ever hurt you. I'll say it twice, I'll say it a million times to all of you fuckers. Do not doubt someone else's love for you. Because if you do, you're in for a worse nightmare than being alone.

(Unless she's one of those bitches that tells everyone "oh love you" all the time, fuck that shit, get her out of your life)

Email to Grandma.

Merry Xmas.

It's cool about the gift, I appreciate it. I'll let you know when it gets here. Good, you guys got snow haha. We just got rain and mud... fun to walk to work in, haha.

Where is Drake staying now by chance? Just curious. Yeah, I'm not going to have enough money to come visit anyone ever so, oh well. Hope you all had an enjoyable Christmas though. I went to my mom's for Xmas dinner and then came home.

Nah, factory job didn't happen and isn't going to happen. I'm just working at Circle K now. I like Circle K so it's whatever. That and minimum wage is going up to ten dollars on the first so. And I'm getting a raise of 0.75 cents on top of that so I'll be making 10.75.I asked for a dollar raise and my manager just looked at me like "are you kidding me lol" so. Can't blame me for trying, haha.

Incoming book:

Kindness doesn't win anybody over or get me who I want, exercise and being physically fit does, and I'm too lazy for that crap and love food too much, so that ain't happening.

Don't talk about that stuff when the nicest guys on the planet get strapped down with whores(sorry if that counts as a bad word but getting my point across here) who have 5 kids and have to support a drug addict wife or some crap, which is where I'm going to end up if I wanted to love. And at this point, I really don't with all these crazy women going around screaming rape if a guy pokes them on the shoulder.

I'd rather not deal with women ever again, since I already passed up the one that was perfect for me due to me being jealous over some other idiot's relationship, instead of appreciating I have someone to actually come home to. Now I get to just come home to a roommate who I have to buy food for and pay bills for, instead of supporting someone that I love. And I still love her and tell her that every day no matter what but it's a fruitless endeavor.

 Better than supporting a druggie with 5 kids? Yeah, but still not my ideal of course, but whatever at this point. At least I get one paycheck a month to myself now to spend on whatever I want.

I asked Haley this morning after I got back from working overnight if she wanted to get back together, which would be the last time I ask her, and she said no. So we're just going to be roommates. I supported her this whole year (paying rent, bills, food, etc) for her and got nothing for it so she is starting to pay half of rent now and starting next year (in a few days) half of at least the internet bill. She still doesn't have a job and I can't get her a job so. She's just pulling money from Amazon Mechanical Turk still so.

She did say she eventually wants to move out, probably to an apartment in this complex but if it comes down to it and my mom is still alive at that point I'd probably move back in with her for reduced rent and stuff and she can just have the apartment. -shrug- Just take my stuff and she can keep the bookshelves and all the crap I can't take, so.

She doesn't appreciate ME, she appreciates the fact that I keep her internet and electricity and foodstuffs coming in. I don't know how to be an asshole(sorry) and I'm not capable of being one which is apparently what women want from men according to a couple women from work, so I guess I'd rather at least be a supportive doormat. That's more in line with "me" than being mean, but I'd rather be single instead of supporting someone with children and potential drug addictions around here.

She just plays World of Warcraft all day to "escape from reality" she tells me but that leads to no chores being done while I'm at work or anything so I have to do them. She's been kind of keeping up on them so whatever I guess. I'm pretty sure in the near future (in the next 6 months or so) she's probably going to get interested in someone on WoW so I'll have to deal with that, unfortunately. -shrug- At this point, I feel like I've been ripped into tiny shreds so there's no possible way I can feel anything about that at this point.

I even got her a new smartphone (with no service, just using Wifi) to communicate with her as well. It's good for her though since now she can text her mom and her brother I guess so, eh. The smartphone was free but it took a lot to get it.

Just a shredded old supportive doormat.

End book.

So yeah worked overnight last night at work, working overnight tonight and then I got a day and a half off (cause I sleep into one of my days off unfortunately so a day and a half off). Overnights are really ruining my sleep schedule and I keep asking to be moved off of them but my manager isn't hiring anybody or anything so I'm stuck. I do enjoy getting a whole day to do stuff and then just going into work at night, though, so it's 50/50 in my book I guess.

God

So I’m watching The Last Kingdom and while playing Summoner’s War and Pokemon Sun trying to find the ultra beasts. Though, that’s neither here nor there on what this post is about.

Though I guess I may as well just write about what I’ve done the last few weeks and stuff I guess since I’m too wimpy to kill myself. I spent 50 bucks on Summoner’s War to summon a bunch of monsters, and (found a UB whee) I actually got all the monsters I needed for a Veromos summon… I just need to 4 star all of them and (and got distracted by the show and I got the UB, yee boii) and special the monsters as well… easier said than done of course.

Though uh… I mean Nintendo is losing touch with creating Pokemon. The UB I just captured is…a bunch of wires. What the fuck.

Anyway, in The Last Kingdom It’s basically about the Viking (Dane) invasion of England (Saxons). And the Saxons place ALL their faith in God instead of actually taking action and doing what needs to be done, like the Danes. And I’m just like… no wonder these people’s settlements and shit are crap because they think God is going to grace them with iron fortresses and buttresses and everything and I’m just like ‘lol’. And I feel like this is actually the issue today too with a lot of people being like “If god wills it, so it shall be.” I’m like are you daft, people? If you stick with that you’re going to be homeless because god didn’t give you a home and dead because god didn’t feed you.

Anyway that’s my rant on that. I guess I can snowball a few thoughts here (I am aware of the UD meaning of snowball, ew). I was thinking about getting another dog… just one. And since I don’t really have Haley to want to stay home with, I was thinking that I’d be more active with the dog and stuff. I probably wouldn’t be though which is the only reason why I haven’t picked up another doggie yet. I’m actually thinking about a hypoallergenic cat instead… one that doesn’t shed a lot and all I have to do is clean some kitty litter. Not bad. Honestly I’d prefer if Haley wasn’t here so I could just learn some frieakin responsibility but as long as she’s actually here and willing to do things I can’t really cause I’m a lazy ass that works and just wants to sit on my ass when I get home.

Getting tired now though so… I guess I’m off to bed. Maybe will play Pokemon in bed trying to find the second UB for this area but idk, we’ll see. I really want to get up early but I never do -_- ugh.