Also, a separate post [Netflix Daybreak show Spoilers]

So I was watching Daybreak on Netflix and I ended up sitting at my computer and binging (binge-ing? Bingeing?) the whole thing last night from like, episode 3 to 10 from where I was when I was watching it before my days off, and holy jesus they played up the virgin MC like a damn fiddle.

The MC (Mark? I forgot his name) liked a character named Sam in the show, and they end up getting together via stereotype, loner kid with no friends in school with the popular pretty girl in school being in a relationship. However, there ends up being a sort of "flashback episode" that shows how they got together, and for a lot of the show you're led to believe that they're in a relationship and he's basically looking for her in a zombie apocalypse in his smallish town that's been taken over by different teenage kid factions.

However, during the flashback sequence it basically shows that the MC broke up with Sam, so it showed the whole circumstances of them being together in a relationship etc. However this was basically the MC's first "serious" relationship, then they boned basically, then... he finds out that she is a very promiscuous girl. Like, "fucked a lotta dudes in school" promiscuous. Like a LOT of dudes. The MC feels betrayed by this as he thought she was also a virgin, gets pissed off, and then calls her a slut and then breaks up with her. I mean she is extremely pretty, can't really expect a girl like that to not be riding the cock carousel immediately going into high school or even midway through it.

So eventually the MC finds sam, they stop a nuclear bomb detonation, and the MC expects to get back together with Sam and says as such. But Sam just looks at him like

and then is like "No... no." like she's trying to push a dog to the floor for jumping up onto someone, gently. And then complains that he doesn't know her (I don't see how he even had any time to learn any of her likes and dislikes considering they were fucking for 2 weeks and probably didn't even talk about any deep life issues or likes/dislikes) and then...

Needless to say at she ends up falling into a tyrannical role (IMPLIED) over a lot of the kids who stopped a nuclear bomb detonation (long story I guess), but I could see a season 2 where MC flees with a handful of kids and lives in general squalor trying to protect everyone while Sam tries to track them down and kill/capture them alongside other Teenage tribes in the area.

He also fucks some asian poon so that's cool I guess? But then that gets him in trouble with Sam later after he finds her, which, again, is stupid, even though, yes, it is hypocritical of him to be mad at her for having sex with other people outside of their own relationship even being STARTED. That literally makes no sense. Like, I can't really be mad that a woman I fall in love with has had a fucking SEX LIFE, OOoOOoOooO SPOOPY! So in this respect, the MC is just being a baby about it, and I'm pretty sure at no point Sam did not explicitly say she was a virgin, he just assumed based on her image. Which, again, assuming makes an ass out of you and me, so, yknow. That and him having sex with 1 girl while, AGAIN, outside of a relationship with Sam since at this point in the show, when the show starts, they are broken up and are for the duration of the show basically up to literally the end of the show, she can't really get mad at him for having sex with 1 woman when she's been with like 50 dudes. Yes, he's a hypocrite but the issue is a lot more expansive than that, but I'm not gonna delve into that here, frankly I don't have the brainpower right now lol.

tl;dr the MC of daybreak is a pussy around women and when women aren't around, he's an okay character. The show was actually pretty good overall though, I liked Wesley as a samurai character in it. Angelica was cool too. Actually come to think of it, the MC was really the only non-memorable character. Jeez.

Money. & games

I forwarded myself $40 from the Earnin app.

I bought lunch from a greek place for delivery ($27).

Then I was gonna save the rest and then saw I had added an American Truck Simulator thing to my cart previously... and it was 13 dollars on sale for a bundle. Soooooo I bought it.

Why am I like this. I literally have $0 to be doing this with... god dangit.

Also I keep wanting to flip games, but I always just don't want to play anything else because I want to record, but I also just want to play a game and have a video going in the background and I can't do both. I feel like I'm being torn in half from some weird autism versus normal functions being treated via ADHD meds.

Aggggghhhh

Gamesssss

I am having so much trouble getting into video games now. I've recently played for at most a week:

• Anno 1800
• Assassin's Creed Odyssey
• Ghost Recon Breakpoint (had to open the Uplay app for this one, didn't remember the name)
• The Outer Worlds (Ultimate gamepass on PC is great, Xbox app)
• Disco Elysium (played for a few days now, recording for Youtube but I'll probably drop it soon)
• Jurassic World Evolution
• Need to Know
• Total War Warhammer 1
• Total War Warhammer 2
• Archeage: Unchained (getting pretty bored with this one since you can just do a specific quest chain all the way to max level -_-)

Probably a few more. I just... god I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I've been watching a fuckton of Lucifer on Netflix and I'm on the last season almost now. Been watching for like ... idk a month now on and off etc.

I just can't get into games like I used to. I bought the Outlaw pass for RDR2Online as well and made my gold bars back in that using the pass's rewards so I can get the next one. Got a bunch of outfits and maxed out the level on it, but I only really play with Mage + Storm on weekends for the community stuff they do at the moment on Saturdays.

Lately I've just been wanting to watch shows more and more and play games less, and it's making me so mad. At most I can only play a game for an hour, if it's new to me maybe 2-3 hours and then it's back to "what to playyyyyyy" while watching Netflix and poking around Steam and Uplay and ... well mostly Steam really I guess lol. 

I wish I could retain money better -_-. I went to the movies today (took the day off from work for an event with Mage on his stream since I didn't wanna miss it... it's gonna be really painful for me tomorrow lol) and went and saw The Lighthouse. I paid 30 dollars for snacks at the movies. THIRTY DOLLARS. I also ate most of everything I got. Large popcorn, mozzarella sticks, large soda, chocolate covered raisins. Movie popcorn is really the best popcorn lol.

The movie was, I'll just say, interesting at best and weird at worst. It didn't really come together in the end and apparently the writer thinks that 4 weeks without fucking a woman = so much sexual pent up energy you go insane, among other factors in the movie. That's a fucking joke lol. I had to look up what the movie was about afterwards and turns out I was just looking way too deeply into it.

Ugh I just feel so bloated right now, doesn't help me when I wanna play games but all I wanna do is lay down and go to sleep too. Agggghhh.

Ugh, so tired... I'm just so mad at myself I can't play things because they're boring anymore god dang it. Death Stranding comes out next week and I guarantee I'm gonna breeze through that shit in a week or whatever. I dunno, dangit.

Welp, student loans

Welp student loans rolling in. I have to pay half of 30k because I only did half of my schooling.

15k. At 61 dollars a month for 12 months a year until its paid off.

God I hope I get a fucking raise soon. I should have known I wasn't fucking smart enough to do schooling in any capacity for anything.

Now I definitely have to hold off on driving. God damn it. Well, I knew what I was in for and I still did it like an idiot so whatever. Shotgun being a way out is still an option cause it's not like I have anything to live for but video games and fast food. -_-

Vidja gaems

So I've been noticing a pattern with how I'm playing video games.

• I start playing the game
• I start talking to people about the game (online or IRL, doesn't matter)
• I start looking at the subreddit for the game
• I play maybe an additional 10 hours of the game
• I drop the game entirely despite trying to play it every night

It's been the pattern for every frieakin' game I've been playing for the past... fuck almost 10 years pretty much. I end up looking up tips/guides for stuff I'm stuck on, end up on the subreddit for the game, end up subscribing to the subreddit, then I see stuff from the subreddit at work, and I guess it just... stealthily burns me out on the game? Idk.

I do actually enjoy watching Mage play games and chatting with the community (i.e. sometimes only me talking since I'm usually watching at work nowadays in-between calls) and stuff. When I'm at home I just have Mad Men on in the background right now even, but I have it on when I play games. I can only play for an hour or two at a time before I just... stop and just want to sit there and watch the show or whatever I have playing on my other screen. I even went to bed at 2 AM last night, fucking 3 hours early because I just felt so... I dunno, useless? Bored? I typically don't, or didn't, go to bed when I'm/I was bored, I went and played video games.

Browsed Steam for a while, nabbed a few other games from sources on the internet, played one, don't feel like playing Anime Dark Souls (Code Vein) right now... so I'm writing this, I guess.

I dunno, losing my "ADHD flare" on my actions I would normally do during my off-time outside of work is just making me... fucking dull, man. I mean, I was already pretty damn dull but just... agh. Video games are my damn LIFE and they're just... dropping off the face of my life, slowly. Thing is if I didn't have my computer and video games, I'd just be coming home at 11:30 PM and just going straight to reading LitRPGs on my phone and going to sleep, completely obliterating my free time that I value so much.

I dunno, is this what "normal" people feel like? Is this why people get second jobs, because they need something to occupy their time when they can't actually do anything else with their damned lives?

I had to pay 27 bucks for my new ADHD meds today, which is cheaper than the 50 I had to pay for 60 150mg pills, now I just get 30 300mg pills, but still, ugh. And I have to pay about 100 bucks for each psych visit where we both know nothing is really going to change.

I should probably note down my lack of interest in video games though and my increased interest in watching tv shows though, I don't think I mentioned that at my last visit.

Also I have to go to some rando lab to get tested for low Testosterone and thyroid issues which I most likely 100% have, I just don't know if I can pay for the damn tests. That and the place near me that did the testing is closed now and I only had time to call the one place that morning... ugh.

I also have a lunch... interview? Meetup? Something. With a recruiter from TekSystems to potentially match me with a job that will pay me what I'm fucking worth cause right now I'm working for a fucking pittance doing data migrations/email migrations and it sucks, along with troubleshooting Outlook issues and moving emails and setting up Office 365 for people... it's like having the most narrow scope in terms of actual experience in a field, but I've been troubleshooting software in general for, fucking 13 years on my own. I can't really "put that" on a resume though because it wasn't in a "ticket" environment, just various video games and software, but more particularly in my current job the last 2 years.

I gotta find my damn polo shirt... probably gonna be expected to buy lunch with this guy too so I'm gonna have to forward myself like 50 bucks since we're meeting at some expensive Italian place. Ugh.

I just keep reminding myself it's just a rocky patch right now and I'll get through it, I always do, but after starting these meds I've been looking more and more at my ceiling fan and wondering if it will support my weight so I can just hang myself. I'm so done with people talking to me with "fluffy words that literally mean jack shit" at work and I'm done with the fucking "office politics". It's so stupid. I guarantee I'm not even going to get a raise during my review this year, or if I do, it's going to be a fucking pittance like 0.25 cents instead of the AT LEAST 1 dollar raise I was promised for meeting the fucking promotion requirements of 10 website builds/migrations and getting the stupid Microsoft certification that I had to spend 100 dollars on to get + have the company pay for the second test, and luckily I passed that one and didn't make an idiot out of myself. But I literally met the requirements and it's been almost a full year since then, it will be in about 6 months from now.

Just... ugh. I guess, play stupid games, win stupid prizes applies here since I got a job in IT that I wanted, it just ended up being with a company that was poorly managed for years. I'd mention the previous owners here but I don't want to draw attention to my blog or something. But I basically joined the company right after management was changed and policies and infrastructure started to be placed.

I dunno man, I'm just glad I took the next few Thursdays off, cause gawd damn 3 day weekends are what I need right now. Especially from my co-worker at work who just wants to complain allll the time and not take my fucking advice.

That's another thing too, like fucking people just... don't take what I tell them seriously and ask for second opinions.I fucking know what I'm talking about unless I literally say "BUT I'M NOT SURE YOU SHOULD ASK xxxxxxxxxxxx". Like motherfucker I've been doing this for 2 years now, I'm pretty sure I'm more experienced than the asshole who's never in the fucking office and I don't get customer blowback like most of these idiots BECAUSE I DO MY FUCKING JOB TO THE SPECIFICATIONS THAT HAVE BEEN OUTLINED. And then I end up being correct about the problem or whatever or the other "person" they ask just gives them the same information I just fucking gave them.

But whatever, no one has listened to me my entire life, why should anyone start now. Why WOULD anyone start now, of all the years to start. I feel like I was brought into some meetings not for my actual knowledge but because I was just "on the team".

God I feel fucking useless and I've felt this way for so long it's a wonder I'm even still here while feeling this useless. Probably only because I at least have a community that feels like at least someone wants me around that I'm a part of. Mostly. More than work. Probably why I'm stretching my efforts to be there during work hours now tbh. /shrug. I'd bring up my previous relationship but at least I was wanted around for at least a month out of those damned 6 years, shit.

Well I've been writing/watching Mad Men for an hour and it's 4 AM so I'm gonna go to bed.

Fuck people.

D&D: night 5? I think?

So I've been running with a Cyberpunk 2020 group on TLM's stream every Friday and it's been great.

Tonight, we continued with our story where in the previous game I basically clamped a woman with my cybernetic loader arm (think loader arm from Alien) and I lifted her up to take her with us for information from a Rock Emporium (Rock N' Roll Emporium, various paraphenalia from rock n roll stars etc), when 3 dudes come rolling up to us in the store with hands in their pockets and they're straight in front of me. I pull my Armitech Manstopper (.44 Armor Piercing rounds) and our last session stopped there.

Beginning of this session, we began from there and since I was in that position from the beginning we immediately got into a fight, and, I can't review the fight too much cause it was mostly exchanging bullets and stuff, but eventually we got out of the building with me holding the woman.

So we went to the bottom right side of the building, and we were like "well we can scout the front since the van we rolled up to this place in is in the front" and we went around the back of the building (think a 2d square on paper for the building) to the upper right corner, (left side of the square is the front) and then I stayed there while Mage stayed at the bottom to lure in the other guards ("if there were any) and Bones (phantomthief) and Ossun (nosferatu) (handles in stream) went to go scout the front. They saw 4 dudes standing guard at the front. So Bones threw a Disc Grenade that killed 2, and Ossun tried to throw one, but he rolled a fumble... and he dropped it. Bones took off lol back down out of the blast radius, and Ossun got a little away from the grenade, but he got hit by it and flung into the road and killed. So Bones had to go resurrect him from death (Bones is the medic for the group) and then Omen (Mage) went around the other side of the building, got into a car that a guard was standing right by, floors it into our van, both guards fumble their rolls and the left guard shoots the right guard, and left guard gets hit by Omen backing up the truck into him, instantly killing him as he runs him over.

Oh, also earlier on, I attempt to question the lady who I'm clamping with my loader arm whose arm is also broken, and she's just screaming bloody murder the whole time. So I try and roll Intimidate and ask, "WHY DO YOU KNOW FARGO WELLS!?" but I rolled... an 8. So that's what I think I'm saying, but what I really said, was "HEEEEEUGH FODHFD URRRRRRRHUGHHHHHH". I did this twice and failed the other roll too. The DM making the noises of what I was "actually saying" fucking killed the whole group laughing lol.

Also when we were at the upper right of the building, Bones sedated her and she stayed sedated until we gave her to our "bosses" who first suggested we take her and question her, and then decided against it so they took her and questioned her. We went to a hospital for 3 days and paid 15,000 Eddies (money basically) out of the 20k that Gregovitch gave us (the "spokesperson" for the boss man we are in contact with basically). Then we got out of the hospital after 3 days and Gregovitch contacted us and gave us some information to continue with our story, so next time we have to swing by the base again and hopefully have ME talk to Gregovitch cause Omen doesn't know what the f he's doing (he got shanked by Gregovitch because he asked for money to go to the hospital). Or literally anyone else rofl.

All in all, good session. Now time to watch Dr. Stone and eat the rest of my subway sandwich after getting some soda from QT.

Pizza and Soda.

Best feelgood meal ever. What a time to be alive.

I did eat the whole large pizza today though :< Pizza Hut pizzas aren't huge though, the larges.

Back to Anno 1800.

Feeling better.

Man it's been a while since I just... had my thoughts snowball and I got them down and out.

Feelsgoodman.jpg

Hoo boy the feels train is here toot toot

https://www.reddit.com/r/wow/comments/dbhzyx/spouses_of_wow_gamers_what_do_you_do_when_your_so/

Holy hell this lady is literally dealing with me from like 9 years ago up to 2 years ago with Haley. I even wonder how old the guy in the post is, her husband or whatever. The feels train is real man and I regret every minute of unspent time with Haley that I spent on video games.

Fucking hell I'm getting soft mate(agh no the australians are invading my brain). I was just thinking how at this point I'd hop right back into the relationship boat if she wanted to get back together again. These meds man. I can't deny the companionship would be great and I'd be a better person than I was back then for sure, but... man. Man oh man oh man I can't do that to myself. She's moved on and I may never move on. But as long as she's happy. Or, well, I hope she is, I'll never know.

I do kind of regret not reading that last email either that she sent me but at the same time I was an idiot, getting into a "tizzy" over spending 200 bucks on helping her get meds for her anxiety. Manipulation flaring up through email isn't good, which is why I stopped emailing her, to nip that in the bud immediately.

To be honest at that point I was just trying to, as much as I hate to say it, and I am SO not that person, but I am a dude, get some sex through "friendly gestures". Which, again, falls into the manipulative nice guy category. I still remember that car ride to that psych's office and her just like... absolutely crushing my hand but me being okay with it because it was the only human skin contact I'd had all year.

These meds are also causing me to fall into self-loathing pits every now and again due to my life status, as well as just pining for someone to be with even though, haha, I'm not really "making an effort" to get out there or anything. I mean, I don't really know how to to begin with so there's that, but also because I still feel like I haven't "put down" that manipulative part of myself yet unfortunately and it's still biting me in the ass to this day. And I really don't want to expose anyone else to that, even though I am aware of it. If I fall into a comfortable routine with someone and I just... I've done it at work and that's a place I canNOT afford to do that in, cause it will get me fired faster than you can say "Information Technology".

I just see so much of myself, or my past self rather, in that post, it's nuts. Coming from that other person's perspective and it's just... the man is 100% taking her for granted. And I'm not white-knighting here, I'm trying to actually save someone else from emotional manipulation, because that's basically what that relationship is going to come down to.

Fuck me, man. I'm glad I'm not in that headspace anymore and am taking responsibility for my own actions, but I just... I just kind of wish I had done it sooner. I do miss her, I'll admit it. It's been what... 4 years? 3 years? Ye gods I'm still crap at keeping time over long periods, haha. But the saying is true, "Ain't no sunshine..." wait, wrong one. "You don't know what you have until it's gone." And the amount of times I repeated that to myself during that relationship and still acted the way I did is fucking atrocious.

I do partially blame my now-diagnosed ADHD though. I'd probably be able to sit through a game of monopoly now, or that one game where you make a Cthulhu monster, or any other number of games we played together that I just "dipped" out of halfway through because I was "bored". Gods I regret that so fucking much. I'm not one to dwell but I have a feeling that that relationship will ruin my entire life just because I'll think of the end of it all the goddamn time. Or rather just the whole thing where I was just a retard the whole time. Hurrdurr.

I don't think anyone knows the amount of times I've come home to this empty apartment and just wished for her to be here, for someone to be here, presumably not to kill me or steal my shit, or both lol.

Would it have been weird that the door was locked and they got in? Yeah.

But still. I... am kind of ashamed of saying that as well, because I am vehemently against getting into another relationship but she was just so... on the level with me. I don't think she felt the same way about me at all. Maybe for a little while, but definitely not for long.

The amount of times I've wanted to email her to see how she's doing or whatnot, or just... I don't know. I know I'm only thinking of that because, well, I'm lonely here. I mean, yeah, sure, tonight I did play a game I enjoyed with no interruptions, and I enjoyed a "meal" if you can call it that of mashed potatoes and chicken nuggets and didn't have to feed anyone else, which is a plus, but I mean if I had another person living here who also had a job, it'd be nice y'know?

I dunno, man... money is always the root of all my goddamn problems and I can't ever seem to get enough of it to dig myself out of this shitty hole. And I don't think she would have enjoyed eating only chicken nuggets for the past... wow it's been 2 months since I moved in here already. 3? Not sure.

But I've literally only been eating Albertson's brand chicken nuggets which are WAY cheaper than any other brand's stuff. I can add instant mashed potatoes to the things I can buy and eat that take like, no prep.

I dunno, if she was here I'd probably be way more open to cooking too. I liked cooking for someone, for her at least. I enjoyed cooking at my mom's place (a very extremely tiny bit) even if it was just dumping shit into a crock pot and then Krissy would eat the whole goddamn thing -_-.

Goddamnit I'm getting all mushy and I hate it. I need to distract myself damn it.

But she just understood me very well. "But Setari", you say, "You can have that connection with other people too, it just takes some effort." And that is precisely why I do not want to in this day and age. But why would I put effort into something that may fail? That isn't at least a 75% success rate for myself? And I don't absolutely need someone in my life romantically like I did when I was a teen cause I was an idiot, but would it be nice? Maybe, if they were a functioning person outside of the house perhaps. But the risk is too great for me at the moment and also, I'm pretty sure I'd end up being a "drunk fuck" and end up getting arrested for rape or something. I'm not the prettiest to look at.

And I mean, we weren't together but it didn't take long for her to form a "casual sexual relationship" with a random guy on the internet, so... I dunno. She wasn't as special as I thought I guess. Maybe her anxiety had made her one way, but when we fixed it it just made her unashamed to do that under a roof someone else was paying her way for, which, yes, I'm still pissed about. I'm not sure what else I expected to be honest, though. Would I have done the same thing if I had formed a connection with another girl on the internet?

I can't say for sure but I wouldn't have been an idiot and done it while the person paying for the damn apartment that was still attached to me was home. Gods I still remember coming up behind her and just hearing "Oh yeah cum inside me". BIG OOF. The biggest oof there ever was to my feelings. It's funny because I don't really remember the setting even though I know where everything was. Bookcase to my right, the futon she was sleeping on to my left, her desk in front of me with her in the chair. Big yikes.

But, we weren't together and she had every right to be doing whatever she wanted to be doing, I was just too attached. I am still too attached. It's almost a saving grace, no, it is a saving grace, that she didn't stick around in town or whatever, shit, I probably would have offed myself if I saw her on a daily basis or something. Although I am vehemently against killing yourself over a breakup, so, probably not. But it would have emotionally hurt like a biiiiiiiiiitch. [Insert Key & Peele biiiiiiitch sketch here]

But would I really want the worry? A worry that someone would be cheating on me while I was at work, while they were at work? I guess that's why trust exists as a thing, but, still. Living with that feeling for 6 years isn't fun as well. She probably felt that way too sometimes, or a lot of the time, I dunno. Though I was immature throughout my early and mid 20's, so I feel like I'd be handling that a lot better now.

Also I want to bring up the point that relationships are weird. Like you're sleeping next to a person who could just randomly decide to get up and slice you up while you're asleep or something. Shit's weird, man. I know I'm kind of taking it to the extreme, but it's true. Also I've been tending to think about, since I ride a scooter to work and home at 11 PM at night, the fact that someone could easily speed by me with like a razor sharp sword or machete and just chop my head clean off and no one would know, or find out who killed me. Kinda weird to think about. I mean I hope it doesn't happen, but it could, I guess. 0.000000001% chance is still a chance. I think about that relationship bit a lot though. Also, how does - okay, I'm writing this after the end of the post and I really need to get out of here - I want to understand how a lady comes to actually like a guy and want to just be around him. That's one thing I don't understand and will never understand, and it makes me extremely insecure that I don't understand that. There are smoking hot women who are with just... garbage bags of dudes and I'm just like... "How?". I mean, she's probably definitely banging on the side but still. This is also prevalent mostly with Mexican women and Mexican dudes. The dudes are usually huge and the women usually are sexy af, but they have kids together and are husband and wife. I just... blows my mind man. Or even how Haley came to like me. I just don't get it. And I couldn't put that feeling into words at the time, which contributed to my insecurity in the relationship as a whole, which, y'know, didn't help matters any. I don't see any attractive qualities in myself, but I guess that's a human thing is you're around your own self so much you don't see what other people might be able to see in you. Which, I understand fully, but still... still. OKAY I'M LEAVING BYE BLOG POST BYE WORDS BYE ORANGE BLOGGER LOGO BYE, BYE, BYE, BYEEEEE! Fml. Biggest feeling of vertigo ever right now trying to rip myself away from this, fuuuuuck. Okay off to play video games... now.

I mean every now and again I look through my spam box for an email from her, just maybe I'd chance upon it. Or my inbox. On that note, her excuses for replying to my emails after she went home were lame. My emails "suddenly decided to end up in my spam box after they previously didn't". Yeah fucking right. That's not how email works and I most definitely am now well versed in how email works, thanks to work. Ah well. I mean I can't blame her for not wanting to reply anyway, the whole thing was still fresh tbh and she was spending time with family instead of being on the computer, which I can get. That... *eye twitches* 2200 dollar computer that I dumped 1,100 dollars on *eye twitches* and she only played WoW on it *eye twitches furiously*. "Gamer gurrrrlz"!

Gah I need to go play Dragon Age or something. Finished up the War questline on WoW today. Fucking last cinematic sucked and Sylvanas can suuuuuck my diiiiiick for killing Saurfang and having weird death powers.

I've been writing here for 2 hours, gawddamn son. Guess I had a lot to let out. Damn these fucking pills. I want medication that will remove all emotion from me and just make me an automaton forever like I was before, only less ADHD and 100% more focus on work or whatever I'm doing at the time.

Okay, guess I'm done ranting. It's really shitty, more than anything mentally, I want to reach out and beg for the relationship back... but begging is beneath everyone in life and I, nor anyone should not do that. But I want to, and it's the stupidest feeling. As an MGTOW like myself would word it, "You're begging to be put back on the plantation". And that's not something I want again, to be restricted in what I can say and do in life, in my own home. Being judged by someone else for things I like doing is never fun, particularly if you're literally placing your feelings in their hands. Though, the hypocrite side of me also shines there, cause I'm pretty sure I did that as well. Again, like an idiot.

OKAY I'M LEAVING THAT'S IT OFF TO VIDEO GAMES AND STEVE1989 MILITARY RATION OPENING VIDEOS OR SOMETHING, SHIT BRAIN TURN THE FUCK OFF PLEASE FOR LIKE 5 SECONDS JESUS FUCKING CHRIST AHHHHHHHHHHHHH GODDAMNIT

Oh also - fuck - I forgot to take my ADHD pills today and as soon as I got to work I was like "fuck" and I tried to work and I just... zoned out. I attempted to focus on my work but I just would not. I just wanted to impulsively open Reddit and fuck around and not do important shit I had to do. So I took a Lyft home, took my pills, and went back to work. 9 bucks down the drain because I forgot to do something when I get up in the morning, fuck. -_-

Okay that's it. Gnight everyone.

Okay I went and edited some other posts and I'm back here again 5 minutes later I WANT TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES FUCK

I still retain some of the "euphemisms"  we would use like referencing food as a different version of a word, like "spaghetti" being "spagooter", etc. Potatoes as "potabos" or whatnot. It really sucks cause it still feels like I'm in that situation and I have someone here with me. I guess whatever it takes to get through the day right?

Okay I'm done. CLOSING THE FUCKING TAB RN THAT'S IT DAMMIT.