Hoo boy the feels train is here toot toot

https://www.reddit.com/r/wow/comments/dbhzyx/spouses_of_wow_gamers_what_do_you_do_when_your_so/

Holy hell this lady is literally dealing with me from like 9 years ago up to 2 years ago with Haley. I even wonder how old the guy in the post is, her husband or whatever. The feels train is real man and I regret every minute of unspent time with Haley that I spent on video games.

Fucking hell I'm getting soft mate(agh no the australians are invading my brain). I was just thinking how at this point I'd hop right back into the relationship boat if she wanted to get back together again. These meds man. I can't deny the companionship would be great and I'd be a better person than I was back then for sure, but... man. Man oh man oh man I can't do that to myself. She's moved on and I may never move on. But as long as she's happy. Or, well, I hope she is, I'll never know.

I do kind of regret not reading that last email either that she sent me but at the same time I was an idiot, getting into a "tizzy" over spending 200 bucks on helping her get meds for her anxiety. Manipulation flaring up through email isn't good, which is why I stopped emailing her, to nip that in the bud immediately.

To be honest at that point I was just trying to, as much as I hate to say it, and I am SO not that person, but I am a dude, get some sex through "friendly gestures". Which, again, falls into the manipulative nice guy category. I still remember that car ride to that psych's office and her just like... absolutely crushing my hand but me being okay with it because it was the only human skin contact I'd had all year.

These meds are also causing me to fall into self-loathing pits every now and again due to my life status, as well as just pining for someone to be with even though, haha, I'm not really "making an effort" to get out there or anything. I mean, I don't really know how to to begin with so there's that, but also because I still feel like I haven't "put down" that manipulative part of myself yet unfortunately and it's still biting me in the ass to this day. And I really don't want to expose anyone else to that, even though I am aware of it. If I fall into a comfortable routine with someone and I just... I've done it at work and that's a place I canNOT afford to do that in, cause it will get me fired faster than you can say "Information Technology".

I just see so much of myself, or my past self rather, in that post, it's nuts. Coming from that other person's perspective and it's just... the man is 100% taking her for granted. And I'm not white-knighting here, I'm trying to actually save someone else from emotional manipulation, because that's basically what that relationship is going to come down to.

Fuck me, man. I'm glad I'm not in that headspace anymore and am taking responsibility for my own actions, but I just... I just kind of wish I had done it sooner. I do miss her, I'll admit it. It's been what... 4 years? 3 years? Ye gods I'm still crap at keeping time over long periods, haha. But the saying is true, "Ain't no sunshine..." wait, wrong one. "You don't know what you have until it's gone." And the amount of times I repeated that to myself during that relationship and still acted the way I did is fucking atrocious.

I do partially blame my now-diagnosed ADHD though. I'd probably be able to sit through a game of monopoly now, or that one game where you make a Cthulhu monster, or any other number of games we played together that I just "dipped" out of halfway through because I was "bored". Gods I regret that so fucking much. I'm not one to dwell but I have a feeling that that relationship will ruin my entire life just because I'll think of the end of it all the goddamn time. Or rather just the whole thing where I was just a retard the whole time. Hurrdurr.

I don't think anyone knows the amount of times I've come home to this empty apartment and just wished for her to be here, for someone to be here, presumably not to kill me or steal my shit, or both lol.

Would it have been weird that the door was locked and they got in? Yeah.

But still. I... am kind of ashamed of saying that as well, because I am vehemently against getting into another relationship but she was just so... on the level with me. I don't think she felt the same way about me at all. Maybe for a little while, but definitely not for long.

The amount of times I've wanted to email her to see how she's doing or whatnot, or just... I don't know. I know I'm only thinking of that because, well, I'm lonely here. I mean, yeah, sure, tonight I did play a game I enjoyed with no interruptions, and I enjoyed a "meal" if you can call it that of mashed potatoes and chicken nuggets and didn't have to feed anyone else, which is a plus, but I mean if I had another person living here who also had a job, it'd be nice y'know?

I dunno, man... money is always the root of all my goddamn problems and I can't ever seem to get enough of it to dig myself out of this shitty hole. And I don't think she would have enjoyed eating only chicken nuggets for the past... wow it's been 2 months since I moved in here already. 3? Not sure.

But I've literally only been eating Albertson's brand chicken nuggets which are WAY cheaper than any other brand's stuff. I can add instant mashed potatoes to the things I can buy and eat that take like, no prep.

I dunno, if she was here I'd probably be way more open to cooking too. I liked cooking for someone, for her at least. I enjoyed cooking at my mom's place (a very extremely tiny bit) even if it was just dumping shit into a crock pot and then Krissy would eat the whole goddamn thing -_-.

Goddamnit I'm getting all mushy and I hate it. I need to distract myself damn it.

But she just understood me very well. "But Setari", you say, "You can have that connection with other people too, it just takes some effort." And that is precisely why I do not want to in this day and age. But why would I put effort into something that may fail? That isn't at least a 75% success rate for myself? And I don't absolutely need someone in my life romantically like I did when I was a teen cause I was an idiot, but would it be nice? Maybe, if they were a functioning person outside of the house perhaps. But the risk is too great for me at the moment and also, I'm pretty sure I'd end up being a "drunk fuck" and end up getting arrested for rape or something. I'm not the prettiest to look at.

And I mean, we weren't together but it didn't take long for her to form a "casual sexual relationship" with a random guy on the internet, so... I dunno. She wasn't as special as I thought I guess. Maybe her anxiety had made her one way, but when we fixed it it just made her unashamed to do that under a roof someone else was paying her way for, which, yes, I'm still pissed about. I'm not sure what else I expected to be honest, though. Would I have done the same thing if I had formed a connection with another girl on the internet?

I can't say for sure but I wouldn't have been an idiot and done it while the person paying for the damn apartment that was still attached to me was home. Gods I still remember coming up behind her and just hearing "Oh yeah cum inside me". BIG OOF. The biggest oof there ever was to my feelings. It's funny because I don't really remember the setting even though I know where everything was. Bookcase to my right, the futon she was sleeping on to my left, her desk in front of me with her in the chair. Big yikes.

But, we weren't together and she had every right to be doing whatever she wanted to be doing, I was just too attached. I am still too attached. It's almost a saving grace, no, it is a saving grace, that she didn't stick around in town or whatever, shit, I probably would have offed myself if I saw her on a daily basis or something. Although I am vehemently against killing yourself over a breakup, so, probably not. But it would have emotionally hurt like a biiiiiiiiiitch. [Insert Key & Peele biiiiiiitch sketch here]

But would I really want the worry? A worry that someone would be cheating on me while I was at work, while they were at work? I guess that's why trust exists as a thing, but, still. Living with that feeling for 6 years isn't fun as well. She probably felt that way too sometimes, or a lot of the time, I dunno. Though I was immature throughout my early and mid 20's, so I feel like I'd be handling that a lot better now.

Also I want to bring up the point that relationships are weird. Like you're sleeping next to a person who could just randomly decide to get up and slice you up while you're asleep or something. Shit's weird, man. I know I'm kind of taking it to the extreme, but it's true. Also I've been tending to think about, since I ride a scooter to work and home at 11 PM at night, the fact that someone could easily speed by me with like a razor sharp sword or machete and just chop my head clean off and no one would know, or find out who killed me. Kinda weird to think about. I mean I hope it doesn't happen, but it could, I guess. 0.000000001% chance is still a chance. I think about that relationship bit a lot though. Also, how does - okay, I'm writing this after the end of the post and I really need to get out of here - I want to understand how a lady comes to actually like a guy and want to just be around him. That's one thing I don't understand and will never understand, and it makes me extremely insecure that I don't understand that. There are smoking hot women who are with just... garbage bags of dudes and I'm just like... "How?". I mean, she's probably definitely banging on the side but still. This is also prevalent mostly with Mexican women and Mexican dudes. The dudes are usually huge and the women usually are sexy af, but they have kids together and are husband and wife. I just... blows my mind man. Or even how Haley came to like me. I just don't get it. And I couldn't put that feeling into words at the time, which contributed to my insecurity in the relationship as a whole, which, y'know, didn't help matters any. I don't see any attractive qualities in myself, but I guess that's a human thing is you're around your own self so much you don't see what other people might be able to see in you. Which, I understand fully, but still... still. OKAY I'M LEAVING BYE BLOG POST BYE WORDS BYE ORANGE BLOGGER LOGO BYE, BYE, BYE, BYEEEEE! Fml. Biggest feeling of vertigo ever right now trying to rip myself away from this, fuuuuuck. Okay off to play video games... now.

I mean every now and again I look through my spam box for an email from her, just maybe I'd chance upon it. Or my inbox. On that note, her excuses for replying to my emails after she went home were lame. My emails "suddenly decided to end up in my spam box after they previously didn't". Yeah fucking right. That's not how email works and I most definitely am now well versed in how email works, thanks to work. Ah well. I mean I can't blame her for not wanting to reply anyway, the whole thing was still fresh tbh and she was spending time with family instead of being on the computer, which I can get. That... *eye twitches* 2200 dollar computer that I dumped 1,100 dollars on *eye twitches* and she only played WoW on it *eye twitches furiously*. "Gamer gurrrrlz"!

Gah I need to go play Dragon Age or something. Finished up the War questline on WoW today. Fucking last cinematic sucked and Sylvanas can suuuuuck my diiiiiick for killing Saurfang and having weird death powers.

I've been writing here for 2 hours, gawddamn son. Guess I had a lot to let out. Damn these fucking pills. I want medication that will remove all emotion from me and just make me an automaton forever like I was before, only less ADHD and 100% more focus on work or whatever I'm doing at the time.

Okay, guess I'm done ranting. It's really shitty, more than anything mentally, I want to reach out and beg for the relationship back... but begging is beneath everyone in life and I, nor anyone should not do that. But I want to, and it's the stupidest feeling. As an MGTOW like myself would word it, "You're begging to be put back on the plantation". And that's not something I want again, to be restricted in what I can say and do in life, in my own home. Being judged by someone else for things I like doing is never fun, particularly if you're literally placing your feelings in their hands. Though, the hypocrite side of me also shines there, cause I'm pretty sure I did that as well. Again, like an idiot.

OKAY I'M LEAVING THAT'S IT OFF TO VIDEO GAMES AND STEVE1989 MILITARY RATION OPENING VIDEOS OR SOMETHING, SHIT BRAIN TURN THE FUCK OFF PLEASE FOR LIKE 5 SECONDS JESUS FUCKING CHRIST AHHHHHHHHHHHHH GODDAMNIT

Oh also - fuck - I forgot to take my ADHD pills today and as soon as I got to work I was like "fuck" and I tried to work and I just... zoned out. I attempted to focus on my work but I just would not. I just wanted to impulsively open Reddit and fuck around and not do important shit I had to do. So I took a Lyft home, took my pills, and went back to work. 9 bucks down the drain because I forgot to do something when I get up in the morning, fuck. -_-

Okay that's it. Gnight everyone.

Okay I went and edited some other posts and I'm back here again 5 minutes later I WANT TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES FUCK

I still retain some of the "euphemisms"  we would use like referencing food as a different version of a word, like "spaghetti" being "spagooter", etc. Potatoes as "potabos" or whatnot. It really sucks cause it still feels like I'm in that situation and I have someone here with me. I guess whatever it takes to get through the day right?

Okay I'm done. CLOSING THE FUCKING TAB RN THAT'S IT DAMMIT.