I was just staring at my desktop with icons of my games on it and I'm just... so laden with option paralysis, it drives me nuts. Like... jesus effing christ. I have too many choices. I played some Jurassic Park Evolution, some GreedFall, both excellent games (one more than the other... *glares at JP:E*), watched some anime, polished off Kawaikereba Hentai demo Suki ni Natte Kuremasu ka? (Would you love a pervert as long as she's cute?).
I didn't even watch episodes 10-11, I just skipped to 12 cause I was bored of the anime but wanted to find out who the MC ended up with. Turns out, basically his stepsister, I guess? It didn't really "close it up" with an ending so idk. Sayuki best girl though. Besides the weird master/pet fetish she has but at least it's less extreme than the other girls IMO.
I guess I'll go work on more JavaScript learning. I tried to get into a bootcamp for JS but unfortunately it runs when I'm working, and it's a classroom environment, so I have to be there for every session, and I can't do that with work right now. I desperately wish my mom wasn't such an idiot and my stepdad wasn't okay with sitting in a filthy house, yelling at a TV over some dumbass shit. I'd quit working and go to school full time.
But alas, I cannot, cause if I do I'll basically go homeless, and then I really can't attend any classes or anything lol. Shit, I almost didn't even make rent last month because I can't control my spending well. Yay low willpower. Obviously a personal problem but I can gripe about it here, f off.
It's almost 3 AM and I'm just like... I dunno dammit. I want to do something more with my life, be more productive, make more MONEY. But I'm so painfully average it literally hurts every aspect of my life. And then the more I try at something, or the more responsibility I'm loaded down with, it just feels like I'm dropping plates in very slow motion because I can't spin all these goddamn plates at once. Particularly at work where we have so many customers to handle and it gets overwhelming at times. I try not to take frequent breaks (which is better now considering the ADHD medication I'm on, much more focused on tasks and work) but it's just a lot sometimes.
I dunno man. I dunno if I'll ever amount to anything other than what I am now, and I blame my upbringing for this. TV shows telling kids "YOU'RE SPESHUL!" and "YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO" and all that other bullshit.
I can't start my own company, I don't know how. I can't make more money because work doesn't value my input. I can't get a better job because I don't know anything useful enough to be hired anywhere else.
I got to speak with Zander tonight as well, seems he's doing alright. Struggling to get a job though, but at least he has a place to go with his parents and his girlfriend. The guy's a neurotic wreck but he was still my best work friend and I'd like to work alongside him again if only for the video game talk every now and again. That and the rides home sometimes didn't hurt, heh. But he's doing well. I recommended a contracted position to him that I had offered to me from Intuit that pays like 20 bucks an hour, but it's only for 4 months, so I didn't take them up on it. Mostly because I couldn't afford to not be hired after the fact and then be job hunting again. I need a full time job offer, full stop.
It's the lack of skills that's getting me man, and it sucks. Because no matter how much I do something I can barely advance beyond "beginner" level anymore. Video game gets too hard? Cheats. Don't wanna wash clothes because lazy? Don't. Don't wanna... do some other tedious thing? Don't. I'm deeply considering not even going into work tomorrow because of how bad I feel, man.
Am I getting depression? Is this what depression feels like? Just the want to not do anything because I'm a fucking failure at life, and it weighs on me every subgke dat?
Gibberish cause I found a cricket in my apartment and now it's camouflaged with my carpet. Great. The one time this carpet sucks da donkey dick.
I'm wondering how those are getting in too. I ended up having 2 fall in from my bathroom vent, dunno how, and now this one. Ugh. Oh well I guess.
Back to what I was discussing, just the want to not get out of bed? Or the fact I just don't want to do anything with my time, just sit here and do nothing? I'm really not sure, and I've never really felt this way before or been this self-depreciating as I am right now. I've always tried to be tough on the inside. I always visually imagined my soul (or, for a better metaphor I guess, my "mental state") encased in steel, but instead it's now just... extremely vulnerable to anything and everything. It's just... I dunno. I don't even know if I should tell my psych about it because it could just be a general "adhd medication" side effect, and he's not really there for... therapy. A therapist is for therapy, a psychiatrist is there to diagnose you and medicate you and check for side effects and that's it. Is this a side effect? I dunno.
I'm gonna go back to listening to Steve1989MREInfo on YouTube and I'll do some JavaScript on FreeCodeCamp I guess. I was doing it on Codeacademy but I couldn't really move forward there, so I'm trying FreeCodeCamp instead.
Aaaand now I'm gonna be feeling creepycrawlies on my legs all night, worse than normal. Great. GG life, you fucking win.
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