Failure

Edit: Ayyyy 201 posts whining about the state of my life. Nice.

Edit 2: Great, paid rent and now they're charging the typical fees for water, trash, and pest which came to 25 bucks. I have 60 dollars left for 2 weeks. I'm probably going to end up using Earnin again and just keep repeating the cycle... I hate being stuck in this mini-payday loan cash thing.

I thought a lot about writing this on the way home from work after spending an additional hour at work tonight just redditing, waiting for my scooter to charge. It still didn't fully charge but I didn't want to be there after midnight, so I just left and barely made it home.

I still don't know what I really want to put here. Evidence I was alive? This whole blog is, plus people I've interacted with on the internet. My friends and dare I say it, family. My real family is a bunch of fucking idiots that can't tell their ass from their head.

A will? Who would I will stuff to? Probably Jake. Since I started taking these ADHD meds I've been kind of more susceptible to calling myself a failure and feeling bad about it. More susceptible to suicidal thoughts. I don't really have someone to come home to, or someone to talk to when I get home. Shit, if my mental state was really broken, maybe I could just form an imaginary companion to come home to instead and to talk about my day with.

I'm just so fucking useless to myself, and it sucks. I don't want to off myself, mostly because it's painful. No one knows how many hours I've spent looking for 100% helium tanks to off myself peacefully. To be honest if they had procedures where doctors just put you to sleep and you're just... gone, I probably would have done it a long time ago.

I don't know who to reach out to or who can help me with my fucking life and it sucks. And now I'm crying. Not how I wanted to spend my Friday of my week going into the weekend.

I usually block all this shit out. All day every day. But these meds are fucking making the walls like jello, man. Shit's just breaking through like a Kaiju through a massive city barrier or something.

I'm 27, can't drive, either use Lyft or walk or use a scooter to get to and from work, and I'm selling the scooter probably this weekend cause its on its last legs after only 3 weeks. Fucking worthless Amazon trash. The one thing that gets me though is driving. I wouldn't even be able to afford this apartment much less insurance on a car AND car payments AND the apartment. And I'd rather be homeless before fucking going back and living with my parents.

No one to share secrets with.

No one to share achievements with.

No one to do things with.

I know I preach that relationships are a waste of time, and I still 100% believe it, but, I dunno. I just want some fucking companionship in real life that's on my fucking level. At the same time I know I can't because of how manipulative I am. That "nice guy" mentality. I already hurt 1 person out of the billions on this planet because of it, and that's one too many.

This is the only outlet I have for dealing with these things. I guess it'll have to do.

Day in day out, wake up, eat, play some video games before work, go to work, deal with shit customers all day, come home, eat/play video games until 5 AM after getting home at 11PM (typically), sleep, rinse, repeat. That's all I've been doing ever since I moved into this apartment and I can't tell if it's driving me mad or what. I mean, I don't think it is, because I enjoy my time alone, and my solace and quiet. I say quiet but I typically have a YouTube video playing at almost all times unless I'm playing a game where I want to be involved in the story.

I just feel so... stupid. Like mentally stupid. I want to be book smart. I want to be a programmer or a web designer or developer or just a fucking IT guy making 35k a fucking year. I'm almost fucking 30. That's what really gets me. Pretty much with my status of my health, probably more than half my life is over or I'm nearing the midway point, if I even make it to 30. I always told people I'd die of a heart attack by 30 and I'm getting close so...

But the fact of the matter is that I'm pretty much 30 and have done nothing with my life because I am not smart. I am good at being told what to do and I will do it so long as I have some inkling of how I'm supposed to do it, but I'm not good at being a leader, I'm not cut out for a managerial role in any capacity. For fuck's sake I still mentally feel like I'm 19. I still feel like I'm about to go to work at Circle K tomorrow and lift BiBs and move cup boxes and shit, not doing what I'm doing now. And even then doing what I'm doing now is no glorious feat either, I only got in by pure luck and fudging that I knew what Office 365 was. Now I have a deep understanding of it, but still. And it's a dead end job. I'm not working towards anything. I'm not - cool I'm crying again, nice - headed toward any goal anymore. I used to be, but I'm just floating aimlessly now. I have no job goals, no personal goals. I'm just a formless, non-intelligent dumb person floating in space, just going through the grind every day.

I just want more money. Money would literally solve all of my fucking problems.

But I just need fucking MONEY. I just need to pay my credit cards off and all my bills and I'll be free as a bird.

Well, I guess I'm just going to go eat mushy chicken nuggets with ketchup and watch the Astra anime. Tried to get some jack-in-the-box but since I left work late they closed the interior. I could order some on doordash but eh, I'd rather order some tomorrow to eat with watching Dr. Stone. Probably the only bright thing I have in my life is the anime I'm watching and the video games I'm playing, and TheLastMage's streams.