Today did not go how I wanted.

My birthday was Friday. I wanted to buy some SPECIFIC food today though, the next day, from Buona Beef in town here, and my brother just went and got me a random sandwich from there when I wanted a meatball sandwich and a chicken parm sandwich out of my own pocket.

I just feel stupid for wanting anything ever. People just do shit for me and expect me to take what they give me because "I BoUgHt iT fOr yOu". 

I ate half the sandwich and tossed the rest because I was full.

God damn it. And now we have to work Sundays again. I'm gonna ask to work only 32 hours and to have sundays off. I'm so stressed the fuck out it sucks. Just all the time. I HAVE NOTHING TO BE STRESSED ABOUT. Absolutely 0 things that matter in the long run. I'm always just stressed about finding a spider on my wall or stressed about driving or stressed about having enough money, I don't have a good mic for D&D this week and my current mic finally took a giant shit and died even though windows still says it's working so idk what the fuck is going on there. And I can't order a new one cause it's fucking 60 dollars or whatever. My only real social experience is going to be gone because I can't get a new mic.

All little tiny things that just add up to one big ball of stress. I want to chuck something into a wall -_-

Why are you running?!

SO I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING A LOT WITH MOOD SWINGS AS I'M SURE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE AWARE. I REALLY HATE WHEN I HAVE THESE AS I GET REALLY GODDAMN SHITTY WHEN I HAVE A MOOD SWING. SO I TRY NOT TO TALK TO PEOPLE BECAUSE I TEND TO SNAP AT THEM, ESPECIALLY IF I'M COMFORTABLE AROUND THEM. WHICH IS A POOR INDICATOR OF ME BEING COMFORTABLE AROUND SOMEONE. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME WHEN I'M STARTING TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH CO-WORKERS. I'D RATHER KEEP THE RIGID, PROFESSIONAL FEELING THAN BE COMFORTABLE AROUND CO-WORKERS AT WORK.

I WAS ANALYZING (IN MY OWN HEAD) WHY I WAS MAD BASED ON AN MGTOW POST I READ TODAY: https://www.reddit.com/r/MGTOW2/comments/gtd74o/a_huge_part_of_maturing_as_a_man_is_learning_to/

AND I WAS TRYING TO ASK MYSELF WHY DO I FEEL MAD? WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY TOWARDS MY BROTHER FOR EXAMPLE. HE TOLD ME CALL OF DUTY'S WARZONE HAD A DUOS MODE AND I WAS LIKE "I DON'T CARE, I'M NOT LOOKING TO PLAY WARZONE RIGHT NOW" EVEN THOUGH I HAD MENTIONED BEFORE THAT I'D PLAY WITH HIM IF THEY ADDED A DUOS MODE. I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE PLAYING CALL OF DUTY WITH HIM RIGHT NOW THOUGH. I ESPECIALLY DON'T NEED MORE FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS AND USELESSNESS RIGHT NOW. I KNOW HE JUST WANTS TO DO AN ACTIVITY WITH ME, DEEP DOWN HE'S STILL MY LITTLE BROTHER, HE'S JUST GONE THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT THAT IT'S HARDENED HIM UP A LOT, SEEMINGLY ANYWAY. YET HE STILL FUCKS AROUND WITH WOMEN... I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND THAT ONE, BUT IT'S HIS CHOICE I SUPPOSE.

THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT WHY I ALWAYS GOT MAD AT MY DAD FOR TRYING TO TALK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES WITH ME OR TRYING TO ASK ABOUT THINGS I'M DOING OR WHATEVER AND IT'S BECAUSE HE DOESN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M DOING EXACTLY. ONE OF THOSE "HEY SON, YOU WINNING THE GAME" KIND OF THINGS WHERE YOU DON'T "WIN" THE GAME, YOU'RE JUST PLAYING THE GAME OR WHATEVER. I THINK IT'S HARD FOR OLDER PARENTS TO UNDERSTAND THAT A LOT OF GAMES DON'T HAVE AN END GOAL ANYMORE AND THEY'RE MORE "ONGOING" THINGS, OR RATHER DON'T HAVE A SET OF GOALS TO ACHIEVE OR... SOMETHING. I'M NOT SURE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THAT. BUT I DID SEE AN IMAGE THE OTHER DAY THAT WAS JUST THE KID ANSWERING "YEAH IT WAS A CLOSE ONE, BUT WE WON. THANKS DAD, LOVE YOU" AND I'M JUST LIKE... WHY CAN'T I JUST FUCKING ANSWER LIKE THAT? WHY DO I HAVE TO JUST BE LIKE "ITS FINE" OR "ITS BORING" OR WHATEVER?

MY DAD WAS TRYING TO TALK TO ME ABOUT PIKMIN 4 COMING TO THE SWITCH AND MY BRAIN AUTOMATICALLY JUST... DISREGARDS HIM BECAUSE I'M JUST LIKE "HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT", BUT WE BOTH LIKED THE PIKMIN GAMES SO HE'S JUST TRYING TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING HE KNOWS I LIKED TO PLAY. HE DOESN'T PLAY RPG GAMES, HE WON'T AND DOESN'T ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE BEHIND THEM, SO I CAN'T ACTUALLY HAVE HIM GET INTO IT OR ANYTHING, YKNOW? I DUNNO.

AND THEN I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY THERAPY SESSIONS AND HOW THEY'RE SO FUCKING SHORT. LIKE THEY'RE JUST 45 MINUTES FROM NOON TO 12:45 PM AND THAT'S IT. IT'S BARELY ENOUGH TIME TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.AND ALL I WANNA DO IS JUST POUR MY EXPERIENCES OUT TO THE THERAPIST ON DIFFERENT TOPICS BUT AT THIS POINT I DON'T THINK THERAPY IS REALLY HELPING THAT MUCH UNFORTUNATELY. BUT IT'S ONLY BEEN 3 SESSIONS SO FAR, SO I HAVE TO GIVE IT SOME MORE TIME. MAYBE AFTER 10 OR MORE SESSIONS IF I DON'T SEE IMPROVEMENT WITH MY MOOD/ATTITUDE, I'LL LOOK FOR A DIFFERENT THERAPIST, I DUNNO. SHE'S NICE ENOUGH BUT THERE'S NO REAL "STRUCTURE" TO THE VISITS, THERE'S NO "STAYING ON TOPIC" BECAUSE I KEEP JUMPING TOPICS, AND IT'S ANNOYING TO SAY THE LEAST, BUT I'M THE ONE DOING IT, SO... IT'S MY FAULT.

fuggit imma go back to watching space force and playing AC:O maybe

Third-wheeling & trapped in place.

Been thinking about posting this for a while, just haven't had enough "brain time" to get around to it I guess. And then I decide to write when I'm supposed to be sleeping for work in 7 hours. Whoooo.

I feel like an absolute third wheel in everyone's lives, even in situations where third wheel wouldn't apply. Like I'm just along for the ride in everyone else's life instead of living my own life. This is probably contributed by the fact that I can't drive anywhere or do anything for myself in this podunk town. And my brother has to drive me to work all the time, because I can't get there myself.

Today I got an interview offer from someone that's 20 minutes away from the way my brother works, also in the opposite direction, and I can't take it because he works a second job where he goes directly from his main job to his secondary job, and I can't depend on our older family friend to take us that lives with us because she's "afraid to drive at night". Yet she goes into Chicago every Friday night... -_-

So I've been job hunting for nothing. I've gotten a ton of interview requests that the family friend shoots down or I have to shoot down myself because I'd have no way to get there, and it sucks.

So now I'm just stuck lifting 90lb boxes for the rest of my life I guess.

I don't really know what would have happened if I'd just stayed in Tucson and kept my other job. I'd probably just be homeless and using the work showers to bathe with 1 suitcase with my PC in it and a couple changes of clothes or something. At least I'd be doing work I like though, not this fucking BS crap. I think about that a lot too. Just "what would I be doing in Tucson if I was still there" kinda stuff. I know I'd be homeless but at least I still would have had a job I liked doing, even if it was frustrating as all hell to deal with Telstra and their idiotic setup, but still... ugh. I miss working on a computer. I miss doing "IT" work. I miss chatting about video games with people or just talking to people, man. I don't talk to anyone but Drake at work. Rarely another dude that works with Drake and I right now but when everything ramps back up again it's just going to be me, myself and I in my own little shitty hellscape of a nightmare inside my own mind again.

I can't wait to be incapacitated in some way, shape or form so I can just blow my own head off, cause then I'll at least have a reason to. 

Well, while I was writing this my dad thought of the fact that I could just work Wednesday to Monday nights at the place and have Tuesday/Wednesday off because of my brother's work at BP. I was limiting myself to having the weekend off. The only thing is I'd probably have to cut my D&D sessions short but at this point it's doing that or suffering with this job, so I'll take the thing that's making me money over the former of having fun at home, unfortunately.

Still trapped, though. :(

My own money...

So I got my cvirus check and ordered drake and I a fridge, and I bought a game or two and still have some money left over. Not a lot but enough to order some food if I wanted.

Unfortunately Drake tends to yell at me for ordering food even if I try to order food for him as well. I am just so tired of pizza rolls but I really don't have the energy to cook.

I went upstairs to ask Linda if she wanted to go out to pick up some food and she was like "well I'd have to get ready..." and that takes fuckin 3 hours so I was like fuggit I'll just shove some pizza rolls into my stomach and not order food.

Drake was telling me he wanted me to order him a gun he wanted back since he had to sell it to help me (which again I never asked for) and he just hangs all this shit over my head all the time and I hate it. This is the only time I'll have money to buy the gun for him. I guess while we're out today I'll pull the money out for him. I'll have ~ 300 dollars left over.

I hate having all these debts to everyone. Oh yeah I gotta pay jake back too, so I'll have ~150 left over then I guess. Man every time I have a nice windfall of cash it just goes down the damn drain. Fuck.