Edit a few days later: I'm okay, but I'd like to post this for posterity. Also, yes I quit my job and am looking for a new one around the house instead.
I'm probably just gonna chill here until they tell me to get out, then I'll just pack a bag and leave. I dunno where I'll go or what I'll do but I can't work with Drake anymore. I really can't take him making fun of me in front of other people and calling me names and stuff. And now that I am 99% sure I have adult autism based on a ton of quizzes I've taken, I'm basically fucked in the head forever. I just have so much constant rage and anger and self-hatred lately, and the intrusive thoughts, dear god, they're horrible. I just can't manage it all and I still can't off myself. Was messing with a box cutter poking my leg and christ that shit hurts lol. Can't imagine what getting stabbed for real feels like. Thought about trying to drown in the tub but I can't stand the feeling of porcelain (or whatever the tub is made out of) on my body, shit I gotta have a bath mat for my feet. Euuugh *shudders*.
All I want is a job in IT or working with computers and I can't even get that. I can't even learn Javascript on my own because I have no attention span, and when I stop understanding what I'm reading, I just fuck off and play a video game instead.
I don't really know what I'm going to do. I have $23 (probably $43 if I refund the steam game I bought which I'll do right now) and then I'm effed basically if I'm asked to leave. This autism thing is fucking me up so bad mentally, because I finally understand why I feel the way I do, and have felt for years, but it's just letting this GIANT flood of crap fill my brain
I feel like partly (or maybe like 75%) of this is I finally have someone to talk to through therapy and it kind of just... stirred the pot that I had just finally, for the most part, gotten to settle down.
i.e. drake: 
My best life was in Arizona where I didn't have to worry about people bothering with me when I lived on my own and I fucking ruined it. I hate having people support me.
Great he just came in here and tried to talk to me about it. I can't do that shit in person, I just break down crying like I am right now.He asked me if he should tell Linda and I just said I'll deal with it when it happens, about rent. I should probably just leave the night before (14th? 15th?). He was like "Do you want to go back to Arizona?" and I was just like "I have no money to live there so no" but either way if I did I'd just be homeless there instead of here. At least there the shade actually does something. Being homeless here in IL would be terrible but it's the hand I've been dealt at the moment, so. I should have just ditched everything in Arizona and just been homeless while building up money for another apartment and starting over. Maybe bringing my computer with me or something. In pieces ofc too, just leave the case there...
I wish I had never started therapy, it's made all my walls I've built over the years mentally come crumbling down and I'm just scrambling to keep up the wall that's holding the literal river dam of shit from overwhelming me, and I'm not doing a very good job of it right now.
I'll have to leave my phone here, my computer here... life is gonna be pretty boring for a while. And hard. Maybe I'll just walk into a forest and die, there's a lotta foresty areas around here.
Welp. I guess I should pack. Won't be around for a while. Can't use the suitcase he bought me since he bought it so I'm just gonna use my bag I brought.Otherwise I'd have to use a few plastic bags, then I'd just look really homeless lolol. In a few weeks I'll just have all the dirt, muck and grime on my face of a homeless person though.
Maybe I'll leave sooner than the 14th. Idk. All I know is I need to be on my own, unaffecting people around me, and I can't do that here. I hate being "supported" like some sort of child. Which I guess mentally, I am, I just am able to move boxes... and that's about it because I'm fucking dumb as a brick.
Now I'm texting a crisis line. Idk the shit this is gonna do for me cause I'm pretty sure they just tell you what you wanna hear so you "feel better" for a while, but whatever. Maybe I'll just go play some assassin's creed and I'll leave tonight while drake is at work or something.
Man it's gon be hot out there tomorrow, fml. Sucks I'm leaving all this nice tech behind but I'm sure it'll be worth it or something like that. -insert sage advice here-
Usually I feel better after crying but I just feel like I need to get the fuck out of here. Also rent is the 11th so I've got a week to decide whether to stay or go before that shitstorm hits the fan. I'll probably go a couple days before hand or maybe say fuck it and leave tonight. Eat some food and hit the road. Should probably wash my clothes too before I go.
Eat
Wash Clothes
Pack
Sleep during day so I can leave when Drake is gone
I dunno if I should bring food or not, I don't really have any "non-perishables" I can bring so. No can opener either.
Man, I miss my apartment.
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