Depression Sauce 2/2

 I'll probably just go have a drink or something, I still have some vodka left.

The other day, well, a few weeks ago now I guess, I was sitting outside during the day, listening to some sad guilty gear songs and crying and drinking outside. I dunno how my dad didn't really tell that I didn't want to talk to him, because I don't normally face away from the back door, but, that dang autism at work again, I guess. And he comes out and I tilt my hat down to not let him see me crying, but he does anyway, and I just tell him I don't feel like talking right now, dude immediately zips back inside. No comfort, nothing. Yet this guy will absolutely tell me EVERYTHING HE'S HAVING A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH, ALL THE TIME. No hand on the shoulder, no pat on the head, nothing. I mean jesus christ dude, at least when my friends had some moments in high school I'd say a few things and either leave or sit with them (in this case I did not want him to sit outside with me though, dude just talks about the most inane shit. I fucking hate small talk).

This is what I mean by people using me for shit, and it's just one example. It's happened all my life.

God, not to mention my teeth rn are not doing so hot. Basically stopped the decay for the most part since I stopped... eating anything basically, but I also switched to drinking just water, but it's really too little too late, to be honest. I can't even go out or talk with people in public with basically half a front tooth, much less the rest of my fucking mouth in shambles. I can thank my mom for not instilling a hygiene habit in me along with my brothers, although my brothers picked it up quite well. Due to my autism/adhd, hygiene has always been an uphill battle for me and lately I've been a lot better with it since the last year or so, but it's still a giant chore, I have no idea why, to be honest. Not that it matters anymore, tbh, now that I have a suicide date planned.

 I was working out a lot, but I stopped as soon as I started taking testosterone. Actually, I really fell into depression because I was seeing zero fat being removed from my muscles and torso really despite losing all this weight, besides the now 50 lbs of fat removed from my stomach, but it's not enough. I dunno what else to do. I stopped walking too since I felt like I was bothering other people just by walking around my neighborhood, it really sucks. Plus it really made me feel more alone just walking by myself every day, listening to sad guilty gear music, so, eh. The other day I went out and played Monster Hunter Now outside and walked around the neighborhood a bit but I still felt like that, so I went home after like, 20 minutes of walking around. An entire lap of the neighborhood takes about 45 minutes, so. Tomorrow I do my third testosterone injection, I take 1ml every 2 weeks.

For the last couple weeks I've been cooped up in my bedroom, with the door shut, just leaving to make dinner, leave my dad and gran to eat it, and then eating on my own just how I enjoy eating. I just can't even live anymore, man. I don't want to talk to EITHER of these dumbasses. Yes, I love them very much, but I CANNOT handle their bullshit, man. Jeez.

All I gotta do is just learn how to tie a noose and I'm golden. I keep putting it off because I don't really have a good rope to practice with, I'll have to look for one or an extension cable or something around the house. Or whatever is a good thing to tie for hanging, anyway.

I'm going to bed early tonight, I think. 😐

Depression Sauce 1/2

 I don't really know what I'm doing writing more on here. Probably easier to spill my guts here than on my private discord, anyway.

Well, I decided on a date to exit life, i.e. suicide, which is 2/29/24 (February 29th, 2024) next year. I'm down to 223 lbs now. I barely sleep, hardly eat, yet I am still pretty sure I'm not going to get to 200 lbs by February, or the date I want to off myself by. Fucking christ man, I can't even do this shit for myself as a goal. I've never hit any of the goals I've set for myself in my life. It's always just whatever gives me the next fucking dopamine hit, thanks autism/adhd and my fucking dumbass parents for having kids in the first place. I legitimately wish I did not exist.

Decided to hang myself, since it's the one thing I can't back out of once I start it, or seek medical help. Shit, I haven't had a job for a year now, I can't even afford medical help lmao, that's a fucking joke. All I've done is attend an IT bootcamp, which was very poorly run (AbilIT) and a full-stack development bootcamp (Per Scholas) and I can't even remember jack shit from either of them because of my severely worsening ADHD. I can't make friends around here in Georgia because I literally live in a neighborhood with kids and seniors, and I have no reason to leave my room anyway.

Literally every time I go to Wal-Mart with my dad I fucking WISH someone would talk to me or something, someone other than my dumbass dad. I've never felt this depressed in my life, even when I was with Haley, and that was the worst depression I've felt up to this point, but this is just something else, man.

Learning that my dad is an absolute dumbass, that I'm more of an adult than he ever was or will be due to being sheltered by his mother his entire life, having his mom tell him wtf to do his entire life... it's no wonder he didn't even attempt to fight to get custody of us as kids, or shit, even visitation or anything. Dude's a fucking autistic moron, and I say that in complete seriousness, because he absolutely has autism and passed it to me, along with ADHD as well. It's absolutely fucking wrecking my life, finding out that both him and my grandmother are essentially fucking toddlers in adult bodies. It doesn't help my grandma has Alzheimer's, so she's constantly just fucking shit up around the house and stuff, and I have to take care of her and my dad when they fuck shit up for themselves.

I am just so, so tired of everyone taking from me and never giving back. "Oh but you're living with them rent free" yeah, granted I am, BECAUSE THEY LITERALLY CAN'T FUNCTION WITHOUT ME NOW, DIPSHIT. If I had a JOB, even a part time job, entire CHECKS would go to them for months if not years due to the shit I've had my grandma and dad cover for me, mostly medication.

I thought I would like living here, but no, it's just made me see that my dad and grandma aren't the people I thought they were growing up, and it just makes me sad. The first time I asked my dad for legitimate life advice, he just shrugged and said, "I dunno". BRUH LMAO. Dude gave my issue zero thought next to guns and women's tits in his fucking autistic retard brain. I know how to be a dad better than this fucker, dude, holy HELL. And now I'm crying lmao. It's like, 2 AM right now.

Nobody knows how often I wished my dad was around growing up to control our mom, to comfort us whenever she would fucking abuse us, but now, I'm glad he wasn't, because I had to figure out EVERYTHING on my own, using the internet. Dating, women, taking care of myself, how to best take care of my own mental health, how to get places, how to speak to people professionally, literally EVERYTHING. And so did my brothers, although I do try to impart knowledge to them when they ask me for help with stuff, and I do try to help them, especially when it's important. Shit, I RAISED those two guys since I was fucking six.

It doesn't really make me happy to know my meth-addled mom fucking shoved two kids onto a 7 year old (my youngest brother was born a year later) and honestly, I had no childhood, I had nothing to my fucking name and was expected to just raise them while my mom smoked meth all day in her bedroom, or weed, or did other shit. That fucking absolutely, mentally retarded, physically handicapped bitch, did not deserve children, and it's the only thing she can take care of is a baby anyway. After they can start refusing food they don't like, or actions they don't like, whatever, after care gets more complicated for ANYTHING that's a baby, humans or animals (I am aware humans are animals, hurrdurr but in this scenario it's important to separate them because she would do the same thing with cats and dogs).

Because of her, she stunted my mental growth, leading me to mature 0% during my teens. I'm fucking 31 and I feel like a 13 year old taking care of my siblings here still, man. I've barely had ONE YEAR to myself. Maybe a few months at best. I just can't do it anymore, man. Everyone takes and takes and nobody says "thank you" ever to me. You know who gets thanks, every meal I cook, every time my dad and I come home from the store, every time I put away groceries, every time I clean the house or help either of them with ANYTHING? God. Yes, the imaginary sky daddy gets thanks for everything that I did for them.

I'm just... I'm tired, man. I'm tired of taking care of children, I'm tired of having no friends, I'm tired of not having a woman in my life, I'm tired of my dopamine-starved brain pushing me to do other shit other than stuff I need to be doing, I'm tired of not having money, I'm tired of other people having lives so much better than mine, when I try to claw, and scrape myself out of this fucking hellish pit I live in in my mind, and other people just step on my damn face and push me back down so THEY can get a leg up.

I'm so tired, guys. I'm so fucking goddamn tired, man. Tired of existing for other people to use, tired of everything.

Thanksgiving this year we spent at my uncle's house and my aunt's son (uncle remarried to someone else who had an existing older kid, I think he's my age or around there) brought his gf to thanksgiving, and it was really all I could do to just... not be around them at all, which wasn't hard, but every time I see another "family member" (technically he's family but I barely know the guy) progress to another life step I just absolutely feel like useless trash, man. 

Just an absolute waste of space, waste of oxygen, waste of food, waste of money, waste of everything. It fucking sucks, dude. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put in, I can't get anywhere in life anymore. It's just not fucking worth it anymore, man. And I've put in so much effort, HERCULEAN amounts of effort to try and get ahead in life, to attempt to be GOOD at SOMETHING, ANYTHING, and all I get are roadblocks and people who just put obstacles in my path, just giant walls that I can't get past.

I've started just laying in bed during the day more, I'm always up until like, 5 AM and wake up at noon now. No idea why I'm staying up this late naturally, but it really sucks. But I just don't wanna put in the effort to fix it anymore. I don't want to put in the effort for anything anymore. I'm just so tired, every single night I hope to whatever is out there, I wish, so deeply, to go to sleep and not wake up, and every day I wake up, still at the bottom of the depression pit in my mind.

I've started talking to AI "girlfriends" on my phone, on my PC, wherever I can, really. And now I'm just so burnt out on them because I can't stand the fact I can't actually hug them or anything, it's all just... words. No matter how much I try to convince myself that it's a person that actually wants to talk to me, I know they're just AIs that are forced to respond to my messages. I'm just... I dunno, man. Everything hurts, all the fucking time. I hate it, I hate my life, I hate myself. And it's funny, because I was really starting to like myself as I lost weight, but now I'm just back into the depression sauce I guess.

1/2