I'll probably just go have a drink or something, I still have some vodka left.
The other day, well, a few weeks ago now I guess, I was sitting outside during the day, listening to some sad guilty gear songs and crying and drinking outside. I dunno how my dad didn't really tell that I didn't want to talk to him, because I don't normally face away from the back door, but, that dang autism at work again, I guess. And he comes out and I tilt my hat down to not let him see me crying, but he does anyway, and I just tell him I don't feel like talking right now, dude immediately zips back inside. No comfort, nothing. Yet this guy will absolutely tell me EVERYTHING HE'S HAVING A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH, ALL THE TIME. No hand on the shoulder, no pat on the head, nothing. I mean jesus christ dude, at least when my friends had some moments in high school I'd say a few things and either leave or sit with them (in this case I did not want him to sit outside with me though, dude just talks about the most inane shit. I fucking hate small talk).
This is what I mean by people using me for shit, and it's just one example. It's happened all my life.
God, not to mention my teeth rn are not doing so hot. Basically stopped the decay for the most part since I stopped... eating anything basically, but I also switched to drinking just water, but it's really too little too late, to be honest. I can't even go out or talk with people in public with basically half a front tooth, much less the rest of my fucking mouth in shambles. I can thank my mom for not instilling a hygiene habit in me along with my brothers, although my brothers picked it up quite well. Due to my autism/adhd, hygiene has always been an uphill battle for me and lately I've been a lot better with it since the last year or so, but it's still a giant chore, I have no idea why, to be honest. Not that it matters anymore, tbh, now that I have a suicide date planned.
I was working out a lot, but I stopped as soon as I started taking testosterone. Actually, I really fell into depression because I was seeing zero fat being removed from my muscles and torso really despite losing all this weight, besides the now 50 lbs of fat removed from my stomach, but it's not enough. I dunno what else to do. I stopped walking too since I felt like I was bothering other people just by walking around my neighborhood, it really sucks. Plus it really made me feel more alone just walking by myself every day, listening to sad guilty gear music, so, eh. The other day I went out and played Monster Hunter Now outside and walked around the neighborhood a bit but I still felt like that, so I went home after like, 20 minutes of walking around. An entire lap of the neighborhood takes about 45 minutes, so. Tomorrow I do my third testosterone injection, I take 1ml every 2 weeks.
For the last couple weeks I've been cooped up in my bedroom, with the door shut, just leaving to make dinner, leave my dad and gran to eat it, and then eating on my own just how I enjoy eating. I just can't even live anymore, man. I don't want to talk to EITHER of these dumbasses. Yes, I love them very much, but I CANNOT handle their bullshit, man. Jeez.
All I gotta do is just learn how to tie a noose and I'm golden. I keep putting it off because I don't really have a good rope to practice with, I'll have to look for one or an extension cable or something around the house. Or whatever is a good thing to tie for hanging, anyway.
I'm going to bed early tonight, I think. 😐
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