Tired, but not sleepy

So I was reading Reddit (In-particular, this thread: Reddit 

Thread ) and there were some stories about relationships. 

Failed, working, in-progress, beginning... and just goddamn what 

the fuck. I'm dying inside thinking about my own relationship. I 

just have so many feelings about it and I can't describe them 

very well. I am just pretty much a mess at the moment. It's 

probably because it's 3 AM at this point and my sleep-box is 

broken to all fuck because of Haley making me stay up to help 

her with Mechanical Turk which is basically the only thing 

keeping us in this apartment but still. It's been like... 2 

weeks of incessant staying up all night and sleeping during the 

day, about 7-8 AM starting. I'm hoping I can get to sleep sooner 

tonight but it's not likely.

But goddamn I want my ex out of my head. This person cheated on 

me without me knowing, fuck, she could have been doing it all 

four years I was with her in high school and just... goddamn it. 

WHY THE FUCK DO I WANT TO TALK TO HER? WHY!? She was probably 

banging all the fucking guys in her neighborhood and apparently 

my brain doesn't give two shits because 'lol, first love dude'. 

It's making me wanna cry right now just thinking about it. I 

don't understand. It goes against everything I stand for and 

everything I fucking know. But no. My brain just wants to be a 

douche-y, douche, douche, fucktard.

I wish we had technology like the movie 'Eternal Sunshine of the 

Spotless Mind', I think is the movie. It's about this guy that's 

trying to get rid of memories of this girl, and he keeps 

clinging to her in her mind through many scenarios. I'm just... 

I want her gone. I don't understand my thought processes. I 

mean, jesus christ, at least a few times a day I think about her 

and I'm just like, 'what if...'. WHY in the GODDAMN WORLD would 

I think that shit? I just feel like crying so bad right now. I 

want to understand so I know how to stop it. I mean, some days I 

don't think about her, when I'm busy and kept busy and being 

stressed, but other days it's worse. I don't know what the 

flying fuck to do anymore and it's just constantly pissing me 

off. I just... I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess 

that's what this blog is for, to assist me with my feelings, but 

usually I try to keep it coherent.

It's probably in tandem with my sex problems, to be honest. Not 

being able to uh, have sex, I'll just put it that way, is 

probably doing me more harm than good. I wish I could fix it but 

again, where all my problems (well, most of them) seem to stem 

from, is not having enough money. I'm sure if I had enough money 

I would have this all fixed by now, but it's affecting me in so 

many stupid ways I just feel so inadequate. Especially for 

Haley, she's just stopped pursuing sex at all at this point. And 

the sexting sessions I used to have with my ex were just... wow, 

to me. I still remember that December night we started doing it, 

and then it was pretty much all downhill from there. SEE?! THERE 

IT IS! THERE IT FUCKING IS YOU GODDAMN PRICK.

Do you fucking understand? She is 21. TWENTY-FUCKING-ONE. Not 

that I really want this image, but she should have some guy that 

can actually have sex with her, railing her every night or some 

shit. She doesn't even masturbate. At all. Period. EVER. I just 

feel like I'm put up to this daunting task that I can't effing 

win because of my physical inabilities. Just... man. She thinks 

she's cured my hating on myself for the issue, but it's there. 

It'll always be there. Every time I look at her I just feel like 

shit, like utter fucking shit and there's nothing I can do about 

it. I can't help her, I can't do anything right. And I always 

have to hide it. Every day, every goddamn second. It's so 

painful being right next to someone who has these needs I can't 

fulfill and I'm just dying. 

It's just funny (read: not funny) because I have the 'need' to 

masturbate, but not to have sex. I'm pretty sure porn has 

permanently poisoned my mind. I haven't looked at porn for close 

to 6 months now, I had a slip-up awhile back so we 'reset' the 

counter. I know I tell people who count the days since they quit 

drinking/smoking/drugs to not count the days, but honestly, I 

know the feeling. It's... it's weird.

We've almost broken up twice now, too. On one of those occasions 

I was looking up ways to kill myself painlessly, but it turns 

out there isn't one. Maybe if I was highly boozed up and passed 

out in a garage with a car running, (House of Cards, anybody?) 

but still, unlikely to not hurt, is what I've read on the 

internet. I've thought of stabbing myself, suffocating, pills 

(which I have ready access to, of course), and I'm just far too 

much of a wimp to do it, or any other method, really.

I've been jobless for 2 months too and she's been working on 

Amazon Mechanical Turk for quite awhile now, she's been working 

on it pretty much since she moved in with me, almost anyway. 

Every. Single. Day. And I can't even get a fucking goddamn job. 

I mean, yeah, employer's loss they don't wanna hire a hard 

worker, but whatever. I'm not going to say 'no skin off my 

bones' because it is, actually. I'm losing a lot of so-called 

'skin' by not having a job, but what the fuck can I do? 

At this point after jumping around and adding things I have an 

overwhelming urge to bash my head into our walls. Over and over, 

over and over again. I am by no means comparing myself to  

someone living in a third-world country, but everyone has their 

problems, no matter what 'world' you're living in. At this point 

it's kind of the only solace I have is just thinking about 

dying. It's unhealthy, I know, but it's the only way to actually 

get Haley to have a better life.

-pause for thinking-

I'd probably just go back to living with my mom, to be honest. 

She actually wants us back with her, haha. Though, I'd assume 

for the 'rent money', I.E. let's spend all our extra money on 

Krissy.

I always tell Haley I'd wake her up if I need her but she needs 

her sleep for working on Mechanical Turk for most of the day.

I just don't know what to do anymore. My ex, Haley, a job, 

dying, money, food... when does it end? Does it ever? I doubt 

it, unfortunately. Can't just have someone else take care of you 

for the rest of your life, as much as people would like it, I 

suppose. Great thing to think about though, haha.

I think I'm gonna try and go to sleep. Have to go to my mom's 

with Haley tomorrow morning fairly early. Blogging this has been 

quite helpful with my feelings, so hopefully it's helped 

something for me. Until it all builds up again, anyway.