Fuck, man.

1:30 AM

I don't know how to make these feelings go away.

FML. Goddamn it. I'm just a swirl of emotions right now and I just want it to be SILENCED. FOREVER.

I just want to be with her. But she doesn't want to be with me. I'm never going to find someone else like her, not even close. I fucked up so badly. So... so badly. If I have one regret in my entire life, I know it's going to be this. Breaking up with Haley was the worst -jump-to-conclusions decision in my entire life I've ever made in the 24 years I've been alive.

For a while before we broke up I actually stopped wishing I would die in my sleep. No pain just... gone. But it stopped right before I started working at Circle K and... this happened.


Gods I just started crying. Dammit.

I just... I wish, and I'm not blaming her because of how I acted in the past, but she just made it seem like she wasn't affected by me being mad all the time before we broke up. And then she told me when I would leave for work she would cry her eyes out. Why didn't she just show me this was hurting her? Goddamnit. I would have talked to her about it instead of breaking up with her. Hopefully, at least.

I just... she shows no emotions toward me at all. Nothing. It's like... hugging a blank person. She may as well just be keeping her arms at her sides when I hug her, because that's what I feel like when she hugs me back. There's no... there's no love. None. Like it never existed. But... I know it did. I remember the visit, I remember her moving in, I remember everything... and I know it was there. And I just threw it away. She protected me from all the nasty bugs and she sprayed the room we lived in at my mom's house with the anti-bedbug mixture I bought for MONTHS. YEARS. She helped me so... so much. And now it's gone. I have nobody to support me. Nobody to say, "you can do it!". Nobody to ground me when my hopes get too high. Nobody to help me. It's so lonely. She was my one true match and I fucking blew it. I blew it by being a fucking retard.

I played Magic with Kevin tonight and all I could think of was us playing Magic. Going and spending 600 dollars on magic cards and us building decks together in the living room and-

I just cried for a few minutes... this song I'm listening to isn't helping

- and fighting each other with our custom decks and... and sitting and watching TV shows together in the living room and eating together and going out together and cooking together and playing wow cards together too and playing wow together and some games together and just... being together.

Now we're in separate rooms. I'm in the bedroom and she's in the living room. She sleeps on a blanket on the floor while I get the futon. I offered the futon but she said no so.

I just want to go back. I just want to go back...

I have her stack of letters to me in front of me and I just... I want to go through them again, but part of me is just asking, why am I doing this to myself? And I answer, because I miss her. And this is the only way that lets me know that... at one time, she did love me.

Just cried for another 10 minutes... crying while I write everything as well, I just stop for the wracking sobs

She's the only person that ever loved me unconditionally. And I didn't realize it and it took me LEAVING her to realize that she just fucking loved me because I was me. Not because of some special talent (lol I don't have one) or looks (lol don't have those) or anything like that.

When I close my eyes I just see her. I imagine us together again... laughing, eating, going places... everything. I imagine everything we used to do. I imagine us just sitting at home on our computers and talking.

And when I hear her laughing because another person made her laugh... it shreds my fucking soul. I want to bang my head against a wall until I can't hear it anymore because I can't bear it. Because I know it's another dude making her laugh and slowly getting closer to her while I'm drifting away from her... very quickly. As much as I try to paddle my little 2x4 in the ocean of emotions toward her, the current is dragging me away.

God I miss her just... petting my hair. I miss all the little things.

Every day before I go to work I pet her hair a little bit while she sleeps and I tell her I love her and leave and shut the door behind me and go face the world on my own. And it's... I just... I didn

cried

I didn't realize how soul crushing the world is without someone by your side. Without someone to support you. Without... without her dammit. Stepping outside my apartment every day knowing she doesn't want me or care for me any more is... it's hard. Every time I take my last steps toward the door, I look at her sleeping and one thought just rings in my head: You. Fucked. Up. And I turn around and head out to work and put on my fake smile and fake talk to everyone at work to pretend I really fucking care about their fucking problems. I have 3 hours until I have to get up to "go to the gym" with victor but he's probably not going to go.

It's so lonely in this room. So... so cold and lonely. Every time I hug her I just want to fall asleep in her arms again. My body relaxes like it's in bed with her and I have to fight to stay awake with her good-smelling shampoo wafting into my nose and relaxing me...

She went with me to my first job interview at Panda Express and waited there with me for 4 hours for Terry to get off of work and pick us up, in the extreme heat. I took a nap on her lap for 20 minutes and we walked around the El Con Mall. We had fun, albeit in the extreme heat.

She is just... such a huge chunk of my life. And it's just... gone. Perhaps forever. I'm just floating without any support. Well, actually, falling. Floating would be a blessing. And I'm just getting deeper and deeper into depression and I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

I want to just... leave. I want to just walk until I can't walk anymore and die somewhere where nobody will ever find me. I'll never have enough money to afford the things I want, nor get Haley back... I'm just going to ... fuck I don't know.

Just please...

Somebody make it stop. Please. It hurts... it hurts so much.

This is the song I am listening to by the way, if anyone cares: http://listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=F90Cw4l-8NY#Bastille_-_Pompeii

I guess I'll just fuck off and go do something else and try to forget...

Who am I kidding, let's go find a baww thread on /b/.

3:13 AM: No baww threads on /b/ so now I'm just going to read through her letters... I don't know why the fuck I'm still awake.

3:33 AM: I just realized that these letters are all the "love" I have left of her. This is all the "love" that she had for me and it's all I have to grasp to. Fuck man... just... I can't do it... I can't. I wish my gramps was alive so I could ask him what to do... he would know.

3:45 AM: But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all? But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before?