Letter from me in 2016

Dear FutureMe,

Trump has been elected and the world is dead. You are on the run from authorities and only have 5 minutes to check your email and write this to yourself.

Lol just kidding you work back at Circle K now and are soon going to be making 10.75 an hour. Yay, money!

Unfortunately on the relationship side of things, things really crashed and burned. After starting work at Circle K you hung out with this guy named Victor and his girlfriend and one of his other friends, Kevin. You got jealous of his actual working relationship and sabotaged the rest of your life by breaking up with Haley. Now she lives with you and you supported her for 8 months out of this past year without having her pay half of rent, utilities, anything in hopes of her getting back together with you, but it didn't happen.

So now the two phrases that will be forever stuck in your mind when it comes to relationships is going to be "You take too much tolerance to be with." and "You're just not secure enough." Don't you fucking forget those, ever. Even if those two things are the only things holding you back in life, you better not. Because those things are the only things tethering your hopes to the ground so they don't get too high. We both know what happens when they get too high, and high hopes never happen to us.

For Christmas this year you got a new microphone courtesy of 100 bucks from Dad, and a 15 dollar google play card from your mom which you used on Summoner's War. And then promptly freakin'' spent all the crystals instead of actually using them for energy refills, you dumbfuck. Good job.

Uh, what else. You got rid of Bruce and Tank because you felt bad Haley had to keep cleaning their poopie on the pad. You had 2 cats but the lovable orange kitty kept chewing on the cord and Haley was complaining about it so you gave him away one night before work. You kept a cat that you got from your mom named Salty. Haley doesn't really like the cat but you love Salty (hopefully you still have her). She gets on your nerves sometimes but she's a good kitty.

Uhhh...
Don't get together with another woman, just a waste of time. Enjoy having a spendable paycheck once a month while Haley is paying half of rent, dunno if she'll still be around this time next year but here's hoping. You're probably not going to get back together with her so. Just keep gradually disconnecting yourself from her.

Don't place value on virginity, place value on the fact if you do get together with someone that they hold a job and are faithful, hopefully. Don't doubt love, just accept it and move on. If you really need some inspiration to do that, remember to read Haley's letters. Never get rid of those. Because Haley was the perfect person for you and you fucked it up you numbskull. So good job.

But actually, play dumb if a girl tries to get with you cause it's not real most likely in Tucson and she's probably a druggie and has STDs so watch it. Also, make sure to request papers for STDs before sex if anything does happen. Don't think with your dick and ruin your life. If you need to think with your dick, fap to some porn and then think about it.

Try your best to be happy and enjoy life. Either that or have the balls to kill yourself. It's either one extreme or the other, no point in having a middle ground. Live life for yourself, not someone else. Also if at all possible try to stay in the same apartment and have Haley move out but if you really need to and mom is still alive, move out to her house instead and let Haley have the apartment.

But seriously try not to get involved with any women unless you know they're clean and not whores. And play vidya games pls. They're the only thing that's going to keep you sane. That, and maybe writing and watching Firebottle on beam.pro/firebottle and wanderbot at twitch.tv/wanderbot. Also, try and keep your bank account above water, please. And stay on Joe's good side.

I feel like there's a lot more I want to say to future me, but I just want to tell you: Your life will never be extremely good or extremely bad. Just varying shades of mediocre.

Fuck you, you dumbass faggot for ruining our life,
Yourself on December 26, 2016

(Having this sent on xmas because haha fuck you.)