Eh...

The anime Date A Live is excellent, besides some of the 'loli' girls. Not sure why they put that shit into anime but whatever I guess. I was watching and the MC, Shido and the first Spirit he "calms" is a girl and he names her Tohka. The premise of the show is the MC "kisses" these spirits to "seal their powers" away so they don't cause giant calamities on the earth... or rather just in Japan I guess of course, like everything else lol.

But the MC is attached to the first girl, Tohka, but it is a harem anime, so, yknow. But it got me thinking for some reason about my first kiss (okay I guess "not some reason" at this point because of the show's premise, just made that connection now. I am not a smart man) and how I literally felt nothing from it.

No... relaxation or passion or "fireworks going off in my head" as it were. We were in bed and I asked if it was okay to kiss her, like a fucking pleb lul, but I did. I expected some huge outburst of emotion to happen, but... nope. So I did it again. Nothing. Where was the emotion I expected or... whatever was supposed to happen? There was nothing. There was no fulfillment or anything of the sort. We literally just made out the rest of the day and by the end of it I was just going through the motions. And so it went for years, which explains my attitude towards our relationship in general in the later years.

I was just looking for someone to make me feel whole, but the truth of the matter was that I really didn't need that to feel fulfilled. I just need something to focus on in life and to work towards, and that is the meaning of life for a man. To be honest, after I got home after I had her leave due to seriously not having common sense (seriously, the fuck is with women and lack of common sense in them, but when they have social disabilities like anxiety or depression they have ALL the common sense, but normal women really don't?), I walked into my room and just thought to myself... it's over. It's finally over. IT'S FINALLY OVER.

All of the mental anguish and pain, of hearing her enjoy herself and exclude me from it, the laughing... it's over. Good god especially the laughing. Of course I was jealous, what guy wouldn't be, of other people making a person you were close to, and still wanted to be close to, laugh? Hearing that laugh all day after I came home from a stressful day from work... most nights I just wanted to kill myself just to end the mental agony. I couldn't interact with her anymore, but she wasn't paying shit and didn't pay shit for a whole year, and then decided to basically hook up under my roof that she wasn't even paying for. She offered to pay but I highly doubt she would have come up with the money doing surveys online. Serves me right for being easy on her I guess.

When I discovered her fucking around with that dude on the internet, walking up to her and just hearing "Oh yeah, cum inside me..." and the breathing... that still haunts me to this day. (Do all women have the same "shallow breathing" when they're turned on or whatever? Similarities I guess.) It's imprinted on my fucking brain like an etch-a-sketch you can't erase, no matter how hard you shake it. Don't let women step on you, men, it's never, ever worth your time and dignity, ESPECIALLY if they ain't putting out for your fucking DICK. Though at that point she was so detatched from me and I was still generally emotionally attached to her, that I probably still would have thrown her out after hearing that shit just because I would still have been paying for her to basically fuck under my roof that I was paying on everything for.

2 weeks... she had been doing that shit for 2 weeks before I found out, and that was only because I happened to take my headphones off at a time where I usually would not have. Good thing I did. And as much as I talk about this shit, some might say I still care about her. Which is a half-truth. I care about the fact that she took advantage of me after becoming a "normal woman" due to medication. I thought she would have been different, but I guessed wrong. AWALT, I guess.

Anyway, I immediately moved my computer set-up to her desk after she left cause it was far superior to mine and sat in the comfy chair she had that I wanted, and finally realized I could do whatever I wanted with my life.

(Of course I didn't say shit about what I wanted, because I was under the impression men have to "make sacrifices for women". What a fucking joke that ideology is. All it serves to do is to make the man in the relationship seethe with rage and be depressed at what he's doing to provide for the household and his family if he has one, where in turn, he gets nothing back but to keep going to work day after day while the gf/fiancee/wife does virtually nothing at home. Don't talk to me about stay at home moms, y'all can fuck off with that shit. Don't date anyone with baggage/mental issues cause the issues will affect you too.)

I was finally free. Old dudes aren't joking about "the ol' ball and chain". I remember my best friend's dad, back when I was... oh, probably 12 or so, telling me "don't get married, you'll regret it." and I thought he was joking.

He absolutely was not.

A relationship where you're just going to be bogged down with supporting another person possibly, or their kids, or gods forbid you have kids with that person is just a terrible waste of a man. A dude just needs goals to work towards and relaxing time afterwards. And money doesn't hurt either, and a roof, necessities, etc. But once you're out there and have a damn dream to work towards, why would anyone drag themselves down with baggage or other people's baggage, rather?

Growing up I thought that that was what made life complete was a spouse, but it's just... not. I mean, maybe it's because I'm an unfeeling bastard apparently, but I wasn't always that way. Before the relationship I can genuinely say I had feelings. I laughed, I cried, I played with my friends, I did stupid shit on a whim, etc. But going through mental hell just made me shield up/armor up and just never want to open myself up again. And even today, it's made me a better person, to myself, anyway. I serve myself for myself and no one else. Of course I don't manipulate people anymore, or even aim to.

It was brought up the other day to me in a coaching that I'm blaming other people for my... not mistakes, but rather the actions I am taking due to advisory from other people. This is a pit I cannot slide back in to. If I do... well, I don't know what would happen, but I definitely feel like it's a case of other people having more experience than me, but I didn't really get to explain myself because I was still trying to figure out what I was going to do at work without being able to cycle to playing my Switch in-between tasks, since our new OM (Operations Manager) basically thinks I'm sitting around doing jack shit all day... even though I produce quality work. My boss originally told me to keep it on the down-low, but I was like... how do I do that, fucking hide it in a fucking magazine or a bible or some shit?

But tomorrow will be the true test if I don't get an appointment, because I'll have to "study" all day, Read: Watch/listen to Youtube. I'm supposed to be studying for my 70-346 Microsoft Exam I have on the 11th but I'm not going to pass it, there's no way. My boss wanted me to turn in these practice tests to him every day and I was like... dude I can't do that. I really need ADHD medication to focus and it's killing me every day at work unless I constantly have something to do. Literally today I built half of a website (the team is building the other half) and I finished off a 3-time redo of someone else's website I was building... fuck you bitch, btw. I was way too lenient and completed a website, she didn't like it, changed the theme/reformatted the website again so it was a new website build again, she didn't like it, redid it a third time and finished it off today, and she finally gave me some examples to go off of, but I didn't know how to do a lot of the functions in it, so I left it alone and just laid out the website how she wanted.

We're supposed to finish the website and then if they don't like it, pay up or we hand it off and teach you how to edit sections basically and GOODBYE. There's still a guy calling about not liking his website even though he was just literally like "I'm not using this" and I was like "alright" and he keeps trying to get into contact with people... but all he can do is call a specific department to get the charge reversed and hope he gets someone who is able to do it, or knows how. ...Come to think of it, I may have sent him the wrong phone number. Oops. I'll check when I get to work tomorrow.

Though, to be fair, not everything needs parallax scrolling and faded backgrounds/translucent text boxes, etc. A static website can look great if you know what you're doing. Ah well, lessons learned. Been trying to reach out to customers as well to no avail... even one was like "they're changing our domain so I can't do anything" and I was like "...well shit dude how was I supposed to know that?" But no one ever picks up their damn phone so whatever.

Welp it's 12 minutes past my bedtime, so I am off to bed. I originally just wanted to write that part about the kiss, but a lot of stuff has been happening that I guess I needed to write down and get my thoughts out on.

One thing I will say about these harem animes is there's like 8 dudes on this guy's dick and he won't even kiss one of them daily or something. Like what the fuck man. Harem animes are blueball fucking central, jeez. Though at least he does have to kiss the new spirits and occasionally the main girl, Tohka, but shit if a bunch of women wanted me that badly I'd probably have fucked 'em all already.

Haha, good joke, but, still, BLUEBALL CENTRAL GODDAMMIT URRRGH.

Good night.

And now it's 35 minutes past my bedtime after re-reading this shit and adding stuff. *murloc noises*

good night

Edit; Though sometimes I wish I had someone to read LITRPG books to. MEH!