It made me feel what I felt... what, 3 years ago now? Man. Time flies when you're self-improving. But that mental anguish, that motherfucking mental pain... I cried a bit at this manhwa. A couple full on sobs and then I stopped immediately.
If this manhwa ends badly I'm gonna be so pissed (but according to comments it doesn't). I started reading for the good art/porn, ended up not caring about the porn and skipping it 3/4ths of the way through and started progressing the story. Goddamn. (I didn't fap to anything in it, popped a couple boners but I don't fap to images, I just collect them ( ͡ ° ͜ ʖ ͡°))
Too bad there aren't any women out there like that shit, I tell you hwat. Then again, I don't fucking care lol. And if there were, I'm so far removed from the dating game it's literally impossible for me to get back into it. Plus I still don't have "necessities" for life.
Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks.
I was thinking about it today at work in-between appointments and I think I'll probably off myself after I get my degree. And then if I don't, I'll just off myself as soon as I flunk out. *sighs* A huge part of me is screaming 'wtf man, but food and video games and money and better video games! And you haven't even upgraded your GPU!'. Yeah, I do enjoy food and video games, but if I don't get my degree that's even more of a reason... fuck school debt man.
Hm, this line of thinking makes me feel particularly vulnerable, or something to that effect, mentally. Probably because I don't particularly want to do it, but at the same time... it's dreadfully lonely. It's been pretty lonely for some time. Normally I take solace in the loneliness, but every now and again I just want someone to talk to IRL about just... stuff. Goddamn that manhwa for bringing up these feelings in me again. I thought I had stuffed them to the deepest recesses of my mind, of my soul, but... nope. They were seemingly disguised at the surface of my brain as other thoughts.
I don't even know what I'm talking about right now, just the ravings of a temporarily deranged lunatic. I don't particularly subscribe to the whole "boohoo im sad suicide is my only option", and I don't bring it up because of that, but just because... life is boring. I am a genuinely boring person, and a manipulative fucking piece of shit. A lot of times I keep my mouth shut at work because I'm always about to say something that comes off as manipulative to me (even though it's probably not). I'm so scared of interacting with people due to how I treated an ex that I just cannot open up to anyone IRL anymore. It's far too dangerous. Far... far too dangerous to mess with other people's emotions.
And maybe it's just because I'm in this... foul... mood I don't want to be in right now, but goddamn if anyone would ever look at me the way Seyoung looks at Jinwoo from that manhwa... I dunno. Heh, I was trying to think of an instance where someone would have looked at me like that and, I think I've posted about this before maybe one time, but there was this girl named Caitlyn (maybe Katelyn, idk, never cared enough to find out as a kid), but this was like... second grade. And this girl just fucking could not and would not take her eyes off me every single day of school. I explicitly remember this once instance where I just felt someone... watching me very intently, and I turn in my seat about 90 degrees to the left and see her just... fucking boring into me. And I explicitly remember moving to the right... and her eyes following me. And moving to the left... and her eyes following me. And I just turned around and started talking with my friends again, thinking, "She's weird."
And at the time, as a kid of that age, there were girls that I "liked", and she was not one of them, mostly because of her eyes. Her eyes, or, face had this weird... like if you place your fingers under your eyes and then pull down on them to show the red fleshy bits underneath, she had that permanently, and it legitimately freaked me out as a kid. Tbh, it kinda still does, just because it's unnatural looking. But holy hell for some reason was that girl in love with me. She never said a word to me, not once, ever, in the history of being at that school.
It could be said my previous ex looked at me like that, but she didn't. She didn't look at me with wonder and awe mixed with love. I wasn't admired, and neither did I ever feel like it. I admired her a lot though (at the time) throughout the relationship. She was extremely book smart and fun to be around and I was a super drag lol. But my manipulative side got her to move over here and... yeah. I dunno. But she definitely didn't look at me how I would have liked, and the love left her eyes very soon into the relationship IMO. But, that's neither here nor there I guess. One thing though, sex is never worth the goddamn squeeze...
I guess that manhwa just reminded me of what being with a female companion felt like... and I want to lock that feeling away and never feel it again, because it's fucking weakness. It's like inserting a dagger in-between some armor and getting that penetration stab. And just feeling your lifeblood ooze out of you. Every ounce of your being you had worked for, draining out of you due to the one flaw in your being, the one flaw in your heart, your soul: wanting someone to talk to and be close to. Not necessarily bang, but just have physical contact with (snuggling etc) and be able to talk about everything with. And admittedly, some people do have this with their SOs. And to them I say, great, you deserve each other, enjoy. And I thought I did too, until I found out that she got mad about certain topics I broached or who I spent my time with... on the internet. -_____- but whatever I guess. It's. Over.
(Edit after I was done writing: I was rereading this and just remembering playing Monopoly with her one time and then getting bored and antsy and ended up ditching the game. God, I did so much stupid goddamn shit in that relationship, I probably damaged her forever mentally. I was not emotionally mature enough for a relationship of that magnitude.)
But, back to my main point of being with a female companion, it's just nice to have a soft snuggly person with you/in your life. I am a giant 'physical' person as well, and eventually it's just going to get to the point where I'm just like "well, I'm done here" and shoot myself or something due to lack of physical contact. And yeah I could hire a hooker but that's not "genuine". (I say "genuine" in quotes here cause most things women do nowadays are not genuine towards anyone.)
I dunno, now I sound like a fucking idiot complaining about not having a gf. Maybe I should just buy a body pillow and wrap it in an electric blanket and be done with it. Man I just want someone to talk to IRL... I think I posted about trying that Replika app someone recommended to me for "companionship/conversation" but it's pretty bad, and made me have some mixed feelings.
Gahhddammit, feelings are for the goddamn weak. I'm going to bed. I want to write more, but at this point it's just whiny goddamn fucking bullshit, and I'm glad no one has to read this BS of their own accord, or listen to it from me any more.
A shotgun would be cool to buy, though, just in case.
Tbh, I have to remember to leave a link to this whole blog just so people can read about the last 10 or so years of my life-ish, before I off myself.
Edit while I'm in bed: You know I always wish for her to just be "passing through" to somewhere and stop here to visit me and when I come home she's just on my futon sitting and we have a chat for a while and then then she leaves or something. Or have Jake come by and chill or something, Idk. Gods I wish I wasn't fucking attached to these people like I am...
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