Would anyone notice if I wasn't here anymore?

I'm passed over for a lot of things in life, especially attention and basically getting people to be friends with me.

I was just playing Mordhau with TLM and PhantomThief like I do most weekends and realized that I don't really get called out as much, Mage always just defaults to "Phantom, <insert verb or phrase here>.

And it just got me to wondering if anyone would really miss my presence. I'm only used for money at my house and I can be replaced at work, so...

It's a sobering thought and not one I really want to think about too deeply.

I don't really have anyone in my life that would "miss me", IMO. My family doesn't much care for me despite me taking care of their fucking issues all the goddamn time. I don't speak with Jake any more, haven't for months since cutting him out of my life. I cut all ties with anyone previous that was remotely close to me. I only talk to Fiery on discord really and just visit mage's streams because I like how he plays games and stuff, but no one would miss me there as well. It would just be another passing internet event of course like everything else these days.

To be honest I think the only reason I'm still alive is A. It'd be a huge hassle to set up a memorial service for me. Tbh I don't know what they'd do with my body. And B. Dying hurts lol. I'm a wimp for pain as evidenced by my 2 recent ER visits that turned out to be fucking nothing. The docs did find a "nodule" (lump? idk) on one of my lungs, but they said it didn't look cancerous, so idk. I should have had them scan my entire lungs as well, my lungs are probably covered in the things due to all the secondhand smoke I inhaled as a kid, shit. I secretly hope it's cancer just so I can have an excuse to off myself cause I can't pay to get that shit treated. "muhhh so much pain".

I dunno. I think about this a lot. Not the suicide but just if anyone would miss me. Y'know, the nurses at the ER are required to ask "do you think about hurting yourself or others" and both times I've gone I've just wanted to say "yes" just to see what would happen, but I can't afford to be locked up in an institution for a week or some shit just because I said yes to that. I literally can't afford it -_-.

I dunno. I should probably just fap n go to bed, shit.