Eh.

So I got to hang out at my best friend Jake's place again last sunday. I fucking skipped work to hang out with him, that's how much I wanted to stay and hang out with the guy. But I was a nervous wreck the next day about work but I owned up to me not coming in and my boss was like "eh just tell me next time" and everything was good, so.

But seriously I would like to hang out at his house forever. Man I have literally NO ONE to hang out with and it sucks ass. I used to have a few friends when I worked at the gas station but all they did was sleep when they were at my house for some reason, I don't know why really. So after work I just started sending them away because that's all they did. And now Jake is back around, we went to go see a movie and I helped him with yard work on sunday... I just really miss hanging out even if we're not playing video games. At this point I don't even care if his controlling af girlfriend with 3 kids from 2 different dads (huehuehue) is around, I've shared literally probably seven or eight years of my life with him before he was consumed by a "family", if you would even call it that. I do wish for him to have a life he wants but the dude is TWENTY SIX. 26! Like, you have like 15 more years before you have to settle down to JACK SHIT, IMO!

I admit I used to be of the same mind, to settle down with a family after being a teenager but jesus Christ you basically are a teen into your damn 20’s, even into your mid 20s. It’s a preposterous thing to get a house and live with someone that has 3 kids from other fucked up marriages. You ever wonder why those marriages were fucked up? Probably from the woman. In this day and age, women are encouraged to cheat and shit like that. Like what the fuck is wrong with people? STDs are a thing y’know! Like… just holy hell.

But I can’t control his life and I’m happy that he’s happy. And to be honest if he can’t find the time to chill with me maybe like three times a damn year or something then I guess I’m not worth my salt to him. And I’m really not, in most things, but he still considers me his best friend for whatever reason, and I do hope not out of pity. I’d feel pretty bad if that was the case, it’d probably put a damper on my entire life.
See, here’s the thing. I’ve spent a long time rebuilding myself from the ground up, without him, without anyone to fucking help me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’ll copy and paste it into every fucking blog post or tweet so help me god. And, no, I’m not good looking nor do I have charisma at all. And that’s just the way I like it. But I’m pretty much a “jack of all trades, master of none” sort of a person in that I do fairly adequately in everything but never really do well. And it pisses me off. Like, I want to be one of those people who gets insanely addicted to a free to play game and just fucking spends every waking moment of their time playing that shit whenever possible and just being a GOD. Or even with a paid game, I don’t care. I just want to be good at something, not adequate. Hell, I’m just adequate at life for gods’ sakes. Like what the fuck. I feel like I’m on a lower level than most of humanity at life, most of the time.

But you know why I haven’t killed myself or break down every single morning before work? Because I don’t give two shits. I don’t give two shits about hardly anyone in my life besides the people I call friends (which is a miniscule like, 2 people maybe) and I don’t give a shit about almost anything else besides being on time to places (work, meetings with friends/people, etc etc) and being able to have free time. That’s even why I can’t work two jobs. The lack of free time stresses me the fuck out, man. And it sucks but when you have two jobs and one of them runs fine but the other job is a fucking train wreck, well, fuck that shit. You never know what you’re going to get with a job, really, I suppose.

I dunno why I’m writing. I guess because I feel like doing this and not putting my feelings into my current book that I’m writing, because that’s horrible writing and I do not want to fuck that shit up. I’m like, 80 pages in and I think 26 chapters in so far. I was planning for 100 chapters but I might try to wrap it up in 75 or 50ish if I can and self-publish it on Amazon. I’d just need to find an artist for a cover, but yeah I might be able to self-publish on amazon and get some feedback. I’d probably distribute it to some people to read first and it’s probably going to suck ass but, all criticism is constructive to me if there’s reasoning to back it up and it’s not just “it’s ass no pls”. Fuck that shit.

I’m surprised I’m not hungry, the Costco pizza at work really eh… sticks to your ribs I guess. I got home at like 6:30 and beat far cry 5 with jake and now I was going to play runescape but I just had to write. I deplore letting feelings out like this but it’s the only way I can manage a trickle of “feelings” if you could even call this that. I’m not really sad at anything, just… really disappointed. Work might be going down the tube for me as well, as we’re going to begin managing part of an IT company and I’m going to get to be an IT person on top of doing the Australian telecommunications stuff… yaaaaaay. I’m probably going to be busy like all the time. Just hope my scope for the IT shit isn’t fucking HUGE. I’m a CTA now though technically. A “Cloud Technology Advisor”. I’m going to try my hardest to learn everything but damn if it’s not going to be fucking hard, man. I really want to keep this job. Especially if juggling all this shit comes with a damn pay raise, and I really want to perform to actually get a pay raise as well. Even if it’s just an extra $1.00 an hour, that pretty much equates to an extra thousand dollars per year. I’d hope for $1.50 but that might be stretching it, but I feel like I do good work for Telstra, so idk. Plus I know the company’s got the money so,  I dunno man. I’m just really glad I like my job and the people I work with and stuff. Dude, I even go to work two hours early almost every day just to sit there and find out what’s going on that day and stuff. Typically I’m working right when I come in anyway so I just clock in and my boss takes me home, which I really appreciate. I always told him if he has to leave or something he can, I don’t mind since he’s the one offering it all the time really. But he’s only left early like one time due to being sick but I’d just walk home, really. I even told him that it’s not really his problem to give me a ride home at night since I run through my own money like a fucking hamster on steroids on a wheel, but he says he wants to so. I just let him know it’s not really an issue if he does want to leave, I don’t care either way. I’m going to get home one way or another.
I’m glad I worked today as well or I would have been tempted to spend some money, of the little I have left, on soda and shit from Walmart. Noooo thanks. Though I do need to start making my own lunches and shit. Jake said he does it for himself and it’s saved him a lot of money, and I’m sure it has. I’m just too lazy to do it really. God, and I don’t want to go back to bringing hot dogs to work… I’ll just have to make sandwiches I guess. Ugh. PB&J wouldn’t be bad though, better than frieakin’ lunchmeat sandwiches tbh, I friggin hate lunchmeat.

Jake is having a thing for his family (? Maybe? I couldn’t tell really) tomorrow, a crayfish boil or something so I forgot he had told me that previously when I had asked if he needed me to come over to help him with some more yardwork. I was saying on twitter that it was funny that our relationship basically came down to me trying to hang out with him through yard work and it was kind of a sobering thing to me really, that that’s happening and he wouldn’t just invite me over to hang out. I mean I could always just get a lyft to his house and bring some beer or something to chill with but… I dunno. He just never asks and when I offer he just says that he is always busy with something, which may or may not be true with his gf. And they have their kids every other weekend so it’s pretty limited, really.

Man, I dunno, I just want my friend back. My one fucking friend in the entire universe who knows how to be a human being and not a piece of shit human to me. I’ve had a lot of friends who were like that and it was not fun to hang around with them.
Heh though one “best friend” I did have when I was younger, his family liked me way more than their son. Really tells you something about some families.  That kid really abused his “fat strength” around me though since I was a stick of a kid, but we had some good adventures around his neck of the woods. I actually wish I could have spent a lot more time with my other friend, Peter, but he lived in kind of a far off place and we weren’t able to spend a lot of time together, really. Also fuck kids on the bus that call other kids out for bringing friends on that don’t belong there. Yeah, fucking 1 kid is really going to make a difference to get 5 fucking minutes down the street? Ugh.
I actually tried to do that with Peter one time and some shitbag called us out on it, and I basically made that kid’s life a living hell very passive-aggressively later on. Mostly tattling but lol fuck u kid. And the next day these fuckers bring kids on that don’t ride the bus and I didn’t say anything. I dunno, it doesn’t really make me mad so much as like… well, actually, it does make me generally mad I suppose. It’s a very veiled feeling of “mad” lol.

Dude my grandma’s house was the hub for multiplayer gaming though. At the time we ended up having a PS2, computers, a gamecube, a N64, all with different games to play with our friends… it was fucking sweet. I had friends over all the time and everything. I think my grandma would be a bit disappointed to see how much of a shut in I am, generally, but at the same time I don’t want to involuntarily be fucking placed in a baseball league… dear god, worst months of my life besides being removed from my home via CPS, fuck.

Actually, a lot of families tended to have a very good impression of me when I was younger because I was soft spoken and didn’t talk a lot, and was very polite. I still like to think I’m pretty polite to people but I’m generally more comfortable with speaking to people I don’t really know or whatever, but I still don’t really talk a lot. I don’t butt into conversations that people are having, etc, whatever. I dunno, it doesn’t take much to be a decent human being, though it probably helps that my grandparents raised me and not my parents, for the most part ish. Well… my dad did a lot of the raising too so maybe just not my mom, and I’m glad for it as well.

Buh, I don’t know why I’m still typing anything. Word 2016 is an excellent program though I will say, jeez. It feels so smooth to type in the new 2016 suite than any of the older suites, I’ll say that. I enjoy it at work as well.
Alright I think I’m all talked out now, eff it. Also I ripped my damn pants tonight… I don’t have any other jeans dammit 😐 FML