Don't really feel like I have anything to do, but I do

I was just staring at my desktop with icons of my games on it and I'm just... so laden with option paralysis, it drives me nuts. Like... jesus effing christ. I have too many choices. I played some Jurassic Park Evolution, some GreedFall, both excellent games (one more than the other... *glares at JP:E*), watched some anime, polished off Kawaikereba Hentai demo Suki ni Natte Kuremasu ka? (Would you love a pervert as long as she's cute?). 

I didn't even watch episodes 10-11, I just skipped to 12 cause I was bored of the anime but wanted to find out who the MC ended up with. Turns out, basically his stepsister, I guess? It didn't really "close it up" with an ending so idk. Sayuki best girl though. Besides the weird master/pet fetish she has but at least it's less extreme than the other girls IMO.

I guess I'll go work on more JavaScript learning. I tried to get into a bootcamp for JS but unfortunately it runs when I'm working, and it's a classroom environment, so I have to be there for every session, and I can't do that with work right now. I desperately wish my mom wasn't such an idiot and my stepdad wasn't okay with sitting in a filthy house, yelling at a TV over some dumbass shit. I'd quit working and go to school full time.

But alas, I cannot, cause if I do I'll basically go homeless, and then I really can't attend any classes or anything lol. Shit, I almost didn't even make rent last month because I can't control my spending well. Yay low willpower. Obviously a personal problem but I can gripe about it here, f off.

It's almost 3 AM and I'm just like... I dunno dammit. I want to do something more with my life, be more productive, make more MONEY. But I'm so painfully average it literally hurts every aspect of my life. And then the more I try at something, or the more responsibility I'm loaded down with, it just feels like I'm dropping plates in very slow motion because I can't spin all these goddamn plates at once. Particularly at work where we have so many customers to handle and it gets overwhelming at times. I try not to take frequent breaks (which is better now considering the ADHD medication I'm on, much more focused on tasks and work) but it's just a lot sometimes. 

I dunno man. I dunno if I'll ever amount to anything other than what I am now, and I blame my upbringing for this. TV shows telling kids "YOU'RE SPESHUL!" and "YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO" and all that other bullshit.

I can't start my own company, I don't know how. I can't make more money because work doesn't value my input. I can't get a better job because I don't know anything useful enough to be hired anywhere else.

I got to speak with Zander tonight as well, seems he's doing alright. Struggling to get a job though, but at least he has a place to go with his parents and his girlfriend. The guy's a neurotic wreck but he was still my best work friend and I'd like to work alongside him again if only for the video game talk every now and again. That and the rides home sometimes didn't hurt, heh. But he's doing well. I recommended a contracted position to him that I had offered to me from Intuit that pays like 20 bucks an hour, but it's only for 4 months, so I didn't take them up on it. Mostly because I couldn't afford to not be hired after the fact and then be job hunting again. I need a full time job offer, full stop.

It's the lack of skills that's getting me man, and it sucks. Because no matter how much I do something I can barely advance beyond "beginner" level anymore. Video game gets too hard? Cheats. Don't wanna wash clothes because lazy? Don't. Don't wanna... do some other tedious thing? Don't. I'm deeply considering not even going into work tomorrow because of how bad I feel, man. 

Am I getting depression? Is this what depression feels like? Just the want to not do anything because I'm a fucking failure at life, and it weighs on me every subgke dat? 

Gibberish cause I found a cricket in my apartment and now it's camouflaged with my carpet. Great. The one time this carpet sucks da donkey dick.

I'm wondering how those are getting in too. I ended up having 2 fall in from my bathroom vent, dunno how, and now this one. Ugh. Oh well I guess.

Back to what I was discussing, just the want to not get out of bed? Or the fact I just don't want to do anything with my time, just sit here and do nothing? I'm really not sure, and I've never really felt this way before or been this self-depreciating as I am right now. I've always tried to be tough on the inside. I always visually imagined my soul (or, for a better metaphor I guess, my "mental state") encased in steel, but instead it's now just... extremely vulnerable to anything and everything. It's just... I dunno. I don't even know if I should tell my psych about it because it could just be a general "adhd medication" side effect, and he's not really there for... therapy. A therapist is for therapy, a psychiatrist is there to diagnose you and medicate you and check for side effects and that's it. Is this a side effect? I dunno.

I'm gonna go back to listening to Steve1989MREInfo on YouTube and I'll do some JavaScript on FreeCodeCamp I guess. I was doing it on Codeacademy but I couldn't really move forward there, so I'm trying FreeCodeCamp instead.

Aaaand now I'm gonna be feeling creepycrawlies on my legs all night, worse than normal. Great. GG life, you fucking win.

I keep seeing...

...variations on her name and it's pissing me the fuck off. 3 separate customers have had the same name in a week and now a JavaScript exercise. I know people can have the same name, it's just... very untimely. I tend to believe in weird "signs" too, and I feel like the universe is telling me to contact her or something.

But no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just Mon.

Just Moni.

Just Monik.

Just Monika. /r/unexpectedDDLC lel

Also, I never realized how good rice krispy treats are. I'm ADDICTED AHHHH

Failure

Edit: Ayyyy 201 posts whining about the state of my life. Nice.

Edit 2: Great, paid rent and now they're charging the typical fees for water, trash, and pest which came to 25 bucks. I have 60 dollars left for 2 weeks. I'm probably going to end up using Earnin again and just keep repeating the cycle... I hate being stuck in this mini-payday loan cash thing.

I thought a lot about writing this on the way home from work after spending an additional hour at work tonight just redditing, waiting for my scooter to charge. It still didn't fully charge but I didn't want to be there after midnight, so I just left and barely made it home.

I still don't know what I really want to put here. Evidence I was alive? This whole blog is, plus people I've interacted with on the internet. My friends and dare I say it, family. My real family is a bunch of fucking idiots that can't tell their ass from their head.

A will? Who would I will stuff to? Probably Jake. Since I started taking these ADHD meds I've been kind of more susceptible to calling myself a failure and feeling bad about it. More susceptible to suicidal thoughts. I don't really have someone to come home to, or someone to talk to when I get home. Shit, if my mental state was really broken, maybe I could just form an imaginary companion to come home to instead and to talk about my day with.

I'm just so fucking useless to myself, and it sucks. I don't want to off myself, mostly because it's painful. No one knows how many hours I've spent looking for 100% helium tanks to off myself peacefully. To be honest if they had procedures where doctors just put you to sleep and you're just... gone, I probably would have done it a long time ago.

I don't know who to reach out to or who can help me with my fucking life and it sucks. And now I'm crying. Not how I wanted to spend my Friday of my week going into the weekend.

I usually block all this shit out. All day every day. But these meds are fucking making the walls like jello, man. Shit's just breaking through like a Kaiju through a massive city barrier or something.

I'm 27, can't drive, either use Lyft or walk or use a scooter to get to and from work, and I'm selling the scooter probably this weekend cause its on its last legs after only 3 weeks. Fucking worthless Amazon trash. The one thing that gets me though is driving. I wouldn't even be able to afford this apartment much less insurance on a car AND car payments AND the apartment. And I'd rather be homeless before fucking going back and living with my parents.

No one to share secrets with.

No one to share achievements with.

No one to do things with.

I know I preach that relationships are a waste of time, and I still 100% believe it, but, I dunno. I just want some fucking companionship in real life that's on my fucking level. At the same time I know I can't because of how manipulative I am. That "nice guy" mentality. I already hurt 1 person out of the billions on this planet because of it, and that's one too many.

This is the only outlet I have for dealing with these things. I guess it'll have to do.

Day in day out, wake up, eat, play some video games before work, go to work, deal with shit customers all day, come home, eat/play video games until 5 AM after getting home at 11PM (typically), sleep, rinse, repeat. That's all I've been doing ever since I moved into this apartment and I can't tell if it's driving me mad or what. I mean, I don't think it is, because I enjoy my time alone, and my solace and quiet. I say quiet but I typically have a YouTube video playing at almost all times unless I'm playing a game where I want to be involved in the story.

I just feel so... stupid. Like mentally stupid. I want to be book smart. I want to be a programmer or a web designer or developer or just a fucking IT guy making 35k a fucking year. I'm almost fucking 30. That's what really gets me. Pretty much with my status of my health, probably more than half my life is over or I'm nearing the midway point, if I even make it to 30. I always told people I'd die of a heart attack by 30 and I'm getting close so...

But the fact of the matter is that I'm pretty much 30 and have done nothing with my life because I am not smart. I am good at being told what to do and I will do it so long as I have some inkling of how I'm supposed to do it, but I'm not good at being a leader, I'm not cut out for a managerial role in any capacity. For fuck's sake I still mentally feel like I'm 19. I still feel like I'm about to go to work at Circle K tomorrow and lift BiBs and move cup boxes and shit, not doing what I'm doing now. And even then doing what I'm doing now is no glorious feat either, I only got in by pure luck and fudging that I knew what Office 365 was. Now I have a deep understanding of it, but still. And it's a dead end job. I'm not working towards anything. I'm not - cool I'm crying again, nice - headed toward any goal anymore. I used to be, but I'm just floating aimlessly now. I have no job goals, no personal goals. I'm just a formless, non-intelligent dumb person floating in space, just going through the grind every day.

I just want more money. Money would literally solve all of my fucking problems.

But I just need fucking MONEY. I just need to pay my credit cards off and all my bills and I'll be free as a bird.

Well, I guess I'm just going to go eat mushy chicken nuggets with ketchup and watch the Astra anime. Tried to get some jack-in-the-box but since I left work late they closed the interior. I could order some on doordash but eh, I'd rather order some tomorrow to eat with watching Dr. Stone. Probably the only bright thing I have in my life is the anime I'm watching and the video games I'm playing, and TheLastMage's streams.

'Nother dream

Edit after writing this whole thing: I've had a few dreams here and there, but none so much as to warrant a post, about her. This is the first one in a while.

Okay I had to immediately get up and write this one down.

So in this dream I was walking down the street (I think somewhere between Miracle Mile and Oracle? Idk) and for some reason I looked at my phone and saw that my most recent ex was nearby.

Pining for the fjords.

Anyway, she was literally across the street. She had two strands of braided hair and the ends of her hair was blue. (Strike 1 for crazy bitches, colored hair, but it did look good on her) There was a set of apartments on the side of the road and I crossed the street, and I caught up to her fairly quickly. She was entering the complex and I said, "Haley?" and she turned around and her eyes absolutely lit up. It should be noted here that I had some hesitation in calling out to her, either because I was afraid that it was the wrong person, or because I just didn't want to get into this situation because I didn't know what would happen.

At this time my feelings in the dream were utter confusion. Why wasn't she at home? Why was she here? Moreover, why the fuck was I in that area of town to begin with lolol. Anyway, she was wearing a blue shirt and some normal jean shorts. And she ran over to me and hugged me. We went inside the "complex" area (it was a weird one with some... open space layout among individual apartments) but not inside an apartment, I just sat on the ground and she sat on my lap, legs crossing around my backside. And I asked her why she was here and not at home. She replied with

"I realized I just absolutely have to tell someone I love them 3 times a day." And I instantly thought to myself, okay... you could have done that in GA though.

I asked another question but don't remember it or the response.

Then I asked how she was getting by here with her anxiety? Was she living with another guy or was she just fucking around the complex? And she seemed very hesitant to answer(strike 2 for crazy bitches, ALERT), so my brain was like ERROR, ERROR: IMMERSION BROKEN and then I woke up.

It was so real, my eyes snapped open and I knew I was well on my way to becoming well-off on my own, without wanting companionship every day, at least, from a "partner". Still all for an AI I can talk to or something. Like GateBox.

Of course in the dream I just immediately wanted to "rescue her" after seeing where she was supposedly living, but automatically there was a stopgap in my brain, like "Do you really want to support another person again, especially her where she didn't get a job?" and "What if she has STDs?" and "She'll never truly love you now, it's obvious she's banged this whole complex, you know that, and your current history" etc etc.

Whirlwind of emotions that I'm still kind of reeling from. I don't have a problem with sexual history, but I do when I had the fallout that I had with this person previously.

Hopefully my appointment with a psychiatrist I scheduled will help me focus away from these things. Planning on getting some ADHD medication. I can't wait.

Also I've had a section of a Backstreet Boys song stuck in my head and it's driving me crazy. Hey mister DJ, keep playin, that song for me, out on the floor in my arms... UGH. Curse 10-11-year old me for listening to that shit.