My buddy sent me $50...

 And I sent it back to him on paypal and told him I don't deserve it.

He said he just wanted to give it to me, which, knowing him, is probably true. I'm kicking myself because I legit don't have enough money to get through 2 weeks without asking for help from my dad and I turn down $50 for free from a friend because I "don't deserve it". Does that mean I have empathy? I dunno. I just know $50 is a lot to throw around.

I was raised on everything being an exchange. If someone gave me money, it'd just come back to bite me in the form of "WELL THAT ONE TIME I GAVE YOU $X AND..." etc. So I just stopped. Even now I have to pay my dad back for stuff he's helping me with (bus fare, food, etc). I am so unfamiliar with anything having no strings attached that I just feel BAD for taking anything without doing anything for the person. Running total is like $250 now, sidenote for me I guess.

So now I lose out on $25 bucks because I refunded the money and he just gave me $25 bucks instead.

Man this week sucks. 

* My brother stops talking to me because I left his place on his bday because I just didn't feel like going through hearing them fucking bang, I already have shitty trauma from that shit and I don't want to hear it at all, much less them talking about having sex. Thanks Haley, you fucking sack of shit for taking advantage of free rent and sexing up some dudes on the internet even though you knew I wanted to get back together. Yes I'm still fucking salty, and probably always fucking will be. FUCK IT. $400 a month for you to get your freak on on world of warcraft and not take care of ANY chores in the house, no rent, nothing, because I WAS A SIMP. Not even any fucking SEX.

* I just decide to have empathy for free gifts when I'd usually snatch em up. My friend makes like 1000000000% more than I do and I just have to be like "no, too much money to give a poor man". I'm fucking retarded.

* I had to walk home today because the stupid first bus was late so I missed my connecting bus (and still made it home faster walking than if I had taken the bus). And this is probably going to happen a lot, more often than not. I can't wait to get fucking shot walking home at 10 PM at night through fucking Bellwood.

I'm just tired of existing, man. I'm tired of having needs I can't fucking afford. I'm tired of eating once a day. I'm just so tired. And now I have to put that 25 on my bus pass for work too, so I can't even fucking afford more food. I just feel like I'm stretching myself so fucking thin, man. It doesn't help I have zero people to talk to about anything now because (and I can't blame them) no one has a sense of empathy anymore because everyone just has to look out for themselves nowadays. Shit, I do the same goddamn thing. But it gets heavy sometimes. Really heavy.

Is it bad I imagined ordering out with that $50 and then immediately felt bad for it because there's better things I should be spending it on, like a new pair of shoes because I got a blowout in one of my shoes? (a hole) Or another pack of meat and cheese. Or maybe another black polo to wear to work instead of the same one every day?

I'm fucking starving and I haven't eaten all day and I have to wait until closer to bedtime to eat. I'm just sobbing rn. Fuck life, man. Fuck it all.

Why.

 So today (the 19th) was Joel's birthday. I had to stay at his house last night so they would have time to do stuff they needed to do today. So I've literally been at joel's place for the equiv of like almost 2 weeks basically.

Today started off with dropping Joel off at work and then going with his gf to get stuff for his party. The entire time she's complaining, "Oh, I didn't get jack shit from him for MY birthday" blah blah blah, Then she sees his snapchat and sees a bunch of girls are wishing him happy birthday and the responses he gives to the girls are a little more... forward  than the post he put up with his GF in it, so she starts crying in the car when she sees this. Oh, and I guess she thinks he's fucking our cousin or something. Far be it from me to determine someone's sex life.

And then literally all fucking day both of them are complaining about having ZERO money. His GF takes ALL of her savings out to decor his room for the "party" and buys him $60 Converse shoes to replaces his Converse shoes that are still wearable... like what the fuck. They're just fucking dirty, deal with it dude wtf?

And then we chill for a while and then go to some fancy steakhouse where the whole time I'm just like "I should not be here because she can't even afford this frieakin stuff" so I order a fucking calimari fucking appetizer only to eat while they ordered some expensive fuckin ass dishes. Joel got a huge steak and a potato and carrots and she got a huge piece of chicken and some other stuff on her plate, idk. And I got CALIFUCKINMARI.

So now she's absolutely broke and Joel has to help her with all her finances. Meanwhile during the day today Joel is broke as fuck as well, and he orders mcdonalds for himself in the morning when we took him to work, and Culvers for himself after we pick him up from work. Meanwhile I haven't basically eaten much in 48 hrs and we just sit in a car while he eats some food.

And now I have no money because I had to ask my dad for $40 to get home (luckily he gave me $45 because the ride was 41) so that ate the rest of my cash, so now I'm not going to have anything to eat. Oh yeah, and Joel and his gf bought a bottle of henessey and malibu on the way back home from the steak place. And the whole time I had to have my map up because these two fucking social media obsessed fucks have to be scrolling through their damn feeds every minute of every fucking day. Dude with how many times I got cut off when i was talking to them, either of them, or just no one listening to me at all... I can't man. I fucking cant. 

Good thing I left so I don't have to hear them fucking banging upstairs. I also fucking hate how they talk about fucking banging and shit around me. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT SHIT. I wouldn't even care if I WAS in a relationship, I still wouldn't want to fucking hear it. I think about that shit all the fucking time now and it's just gross.

Oh, yeah, and apparently I'm like their weird ass "son" and or "dog" to them just because what, I have a bunch of free time? Joel literally called me a dog because I just enjoy being in the car with him and talking to him and stuff. And the more I thought about it, the more it just fucking offends the fuck out of me. Like dude, I have fucking feelings, you fucking asshat. I hate having people take care of me. I hate having people spend money on me. Why do you think I try and get the absolute minimum if we're hanging out? I'm not a dog or a fucking child, I'm a fucking person.

Today on the car ride to different places with his GF she was like "man you've been so cooperative today!" or etc whatever, and I was like "Thanks for referring to me like I'm a child," in a joking tone but holy fuck dude seriously they treat me like I'm a fucking 8 year old. Literally no one told me to bring a polo for the nice restaurant so I didn't and we had to stop at goodwill to get me a button-down shirt that I literally FELT eight years old in.

I just can't hang out with them anymore man. Apparently not being in a relationship makes me less of a man and more of a kid? Idk? And they just use me as a middleman to tell each other things they don't like the other person is doing. Like dude, motherfucker, YOU ARE ADULTS. I am here to chill and have a good fucking time but they're just condescending as fuck to me and I'm SO TIRED OF PEOPLE BEING CONDESCENDING TO ME. I'M DONE WITH IT. I'M LITERALLY DONE. I can't hang out with them until they sort their shit out, I can't talk to Linda, Drake, no one.

I thought I found someone to talk to in Joel and his GF but it turns out they're the same. I appreciate what Joel's helped me with a lot including letting me stay at his place but the fat jokes, talking about me being fat, talking about me being a dog, a child, using me as a go-between/emotional tampon or whatever for BOTH of them, the just... body harassment joel does to me, it's just like being bullied, basically.

I'm on my own again, I guess. Thanks for everything, Joel. Ghost of Tsushima was cool, all the meals were great, but holy hell I'm just so stressed and frayed all the time man, since I started hanging out with y'all. Y'all gotta get your damn shit together before I can hang out again. And I'm gonna be working most weekends now so, oh well.

I'm going to bed. Finally. In my comfy twin bed. FUCK.

Jesus fahckin' christ

This got removed from /r/mgtow2 for god knows why, so I'll just put it up here instead. Yesterday was hell wrapped in a burrito.

 Tl;dr: hang out w my brother and his gf, brother and I get drunk, he becomes asshole to gf, we almost die in the carbon the highway due to gf crying, I get to stay up all night with something in his apartment while they bang upstairs.

I gotta stop hanging out with these idiots.

So my brother, me and his gf all went out to eat and stuff, everything is well and good, they're having a good time as am I, etc. He's the only member of my family who is some semblance of normal, so I don't mind chilling with him and his gf.

However, he decides he wants to go get effed up drinking, so we go to Dave and Buster's to just have fun and fuck around, whatever. He gets some tokens and a 3 wristbands for us to play the 'free games' and we drink and stuff. However I did not know this, but apparently my brother is a huge asshole when he's drunk off his rocker.

To me, this is no big deal. I'm a dude, he ribs me, I rib him back, whatever. To his girlfriend, he treats her like a "bro" even though I've repeatedly told him not to because she's mentioned to me she doesn't enjoy that kind of interaction with him. But he said some "bro joking" stuff to her after she failed at making a shot in some ball throwing game and it soured the rest of the night for her. Y'all know. Not talking, storming off, crying, etc. He was also mad that she want to the bathroom so many times (like 3 times in a 2 hr timespan) and he just automatically thinks she's cheating on him I guess. Is the conclusion he came to in his head.

So on the way home my brother keeps asking her, "WHY ARE YOU MAD I JUST BLEW 200 FUCKING DOLLARS FOR YOU TO HAVE A GOOD TIME", which to me is a valid point but he doesn't understand that even if you good-naturedly rib someone with some "you suck at everything" jabs, some people take it personally despite just being like "it was a joke" or whatever. So she's in the car, driving and crying and just saying "I'm sorry" over and over and he's just flying off the handle about him spending money and her dad saying he's a piece of shit (he doesn't dress well casually in my opinion, more like one of those 'gangsta' types minus the baggy pants' and a bunch of other shit that she should not have told him probably, and she's crying and I'm just in genuine fear for my life because I can barely see through tears much less how she was sobbing. So I was like "Pull the fuck over, now." and she pulled over on the highway and I tried to let them hash it out a little, and then I could tell it was getting absolutely nowhere, so I was like, "Okay, [brother], you, me, outside the car".

So we got out while she's crying sitting in the car, and I just try to tell him "I understand you blew a bunch of money tonight, and that she is not drunk (she had a few but was coherent very much) but that doesn't detract from what you said to her." and he just goes "It was a joke bro. " and I said "I know that, and you know that, but to her, everything that comes out of your mouth is how you feel about her, whether or not you label it as a joke afterwards. That's just how a lot of women work." and we spoke for like 20 minutes out in the rain, me letting him vent and me deflecting back at him, trying some active listening techniques I've learned and things like that.

We went back up the hill to the car (I had to take him away from the car because he kept gesturing to her in the car and being like "she's not even drunk dude") and he went to open the door and I closed it quick and said "We both know you need her to drive you around, so I wouldn't suggest breaking up yet, but you guys definitely need to talk. But for now, just shut up, don't say anything, and we'll get back to your place and y'all can talk." so that's what he did. We're both drenched sitting in the car and she's driving, calmed down mostly, and then she just starts GOING "YOU'RE GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME AREN'T YOU?!" and just keeps talking about that over and over. So finally about 10 minutes of this goes by and I say "We can talk about this at his place, just keep driving." and she shuts up for a little and then goes right back into it. My brother doesn't say shit.

So I keep interjecting with "Talk about it when we get there" etc. My brother still says nothing. I'm legit proud of him. But my brother's phone has the directions on and I guess she thinks that the directions turned off or something? So she gets on her phone (while driving and it's pitch black out and her phone brightness is 100%...) and she tries to pull up the directions back to his place, but instead of flicking her eyes to the road, she just watches her phone and the car is drifting, and a wheel crosses the white line on the right side (we were in the rightmost lane so there was nothing there I could see, I assumed gravel) and I yell "ROAD! And we smack a guardrail and my brother just absolutely goes off." You're such a dumb bitch, why were you looking at your phone, I have the directions up right now, what the fuck" etc. And she just falls back into the tirade of "I'm sorry" again. I have to keep telling my brother to just go back to being quiet because nothing he says is gonna make a difference right then.

So we get back and I get out of the car and go lay down on the grass after that entire shitty ordeal they talk in the car and then go inside, he tells me to chill on the couch so I'm like "whatevs".

So now I get to just sit here all night and listen to them bang I guess. 7 more hours... I wish I had enough money for a lyft home. Oh and their apartment has something... Large. Crawling around in it but I can't find it with my phone light, and I'm not sure if I want to know or not what it is, so I'm freakin out.

Didn't even get to enjoy being drunk because I was playing "relationship handler" the whole time. But I get where he's coming from in the car because I used to think extremely straightforwardly like that too until I went through some shit and had a lot of mental trauma/time to myself. I don't wanna be a relationship counselor, I just wanna hang out.

And the shittiest part is they both tell me shit they don't want to ask or tell each other. So I have to middleman-communicate it to the other one and I'm just like... Jesus guys you're fucking adults. Talk to each other. But he can't talk to her about anything because she just apparently flies into hysterical rages if he tries to get advice or just talk to her about something in the relationship, and she doesn't wanna talk to him about anything because he just takes everything literally.

Women are weird, man. Every time I hang out with my brother and her it just reaffirms that I'm never doing that shit again. And that I'm doing the right thing, going monk mode. I don't hate women but goddamn I'm so done with this bullshit after tonight's fucking SHENANIGANS. I'm laying it out tomorrow morning for him.

Man I'm tired of being third wheel. Pun not intended (but lol)

 Man, friggin third wheeling all the time with Joel sucks. I love being around him (him being the only functional family I have) but if his girlfriend is there it just gets... weird. Like they talk about banging and stuff all the time. Which is fine, we're all adults, and I don't really care, but nights like tonight really take the cake. I just hate being a burden to people. I'm probably gonna stop hanging out with him.

Today I brought my PS4 to his house to show him Ghost of Tsushima and I had him play Fall Guys for a little and Ghost and stuff. And we were running around for a while all day. So we're going into the house after going to her place to get her insulin, and she just asks Joel "Hey we're gonna bang later right?" and immediately I was like, mentally, "that's my cue to exit", but I didn't say anything. Then his "sober" GF decided to go buy some alcohol from the gas station down the street, so she bought a tall Whiteclaw (basically alcoholic bubbly water with strong fruit flavors) and drank half of it in a short amount of time, and then complained that "it didn't feel good" and started crying. I was planning to stay for quite a while, but we had to go get food for her from McDonalds to soak up the alcohol in her system.

I can't blame Joel for having a gf, because it's what he wants. But I'm really tired of third wheeling and having him pay for me for everything and stuff. It feels bad man. Just even thinking about it makes me cry. I'm just a useless burden to everyone, and I hate it. I hate it so much. He wouldn't have had to take me home with his sick gf in the car if I wasn't there and his night wouldn't have been shit on by having to drive me two hours.

I shoulda just stayed home and played MHW with Mage and crew. I was playing Ghost of Sushi and so many people in that game just off themselves with a big sharp Tanto or whatever they're called and I'm just like... man I wish I had the willpower to do that. Just slice open muh guts and game over, man. No one has to deal with me anymore, and I don't have to be homeless.

The other day I was trying to figure out how to absolutely hang myself, which would be doable with trees in the backyard I guess, come to think of it. Knowing me I'd get a chair and get it set up and thread my head through the noose and then decide not to, and then fuck up and knock the chair over and off myself accidentally lolol. I'm just tired of being picked up to do anything, being driven around, having people pay for my stuff. I'd rather go hungry at this point. I mean if they're OFFERING straight up I'm not gonna say no, but I'll just feel really bad about it afterwards. But I'm just so tired of people helping me. Er, "helping" I guess. I hate it so much. I appreciate everything Joel's done for me though, like today he took me down to the DG and I got my job approved there, so I can start back up there again for a job, so, that's good. But... I dunno. Still, being driven around sucks. I guess I'd feel better if I got to pay for gas once in a while, or toss $5 in or something. And maybe buying my own dishes when we go out to eat, I dunno. That still doesn't solve the earlier "third wheel" issue, so...

I guess I'll just stop hanging out with Joel then. He had the idea to go to Georgia today to visit our Dad but his girlfriend talked him out of it, which, not gonna lie, I was kinda mad at lol. I'd love to go see my dad one of these weekends, have a surprise visit. But she was worried about her parents knowing where she was (but y tho, she's 23 or whatever?) so we didn't go. Kind of a wacky thought to begin with I guess though, a stretch, so, eh.

I dunno. I'll never have enough willpower to off myself so the next best thing I can do is stop hanging out with Joel. It's probably for the best since his GF seems to just wanna jump his bones all the time too, so. He really needs to save his cash for a new car anyway lol. /shrug

Off to see if Mage is streaming, if not, I guess I'll stream MHW or something, idk.