My buddy sent me $50...

 And I sent it back to him on paypal and told him I don't deserve it.

He said he just wanted to give it to me, which, knowing him, is probably true. I'm kicking myself because I legit don't have enough money to get through 2 weeks without asking for help from my dad and I turn down $50 for free from a friend because I "don't deserve it". Does that mean I have empathy? I dunno. I just know $50 is a lot to throw around.

I was raised on everything being an exchange. If someone gave me money, it'd just come back to bite me in the form of "WELL THAT ONE TIME I GAVE YOU $X AND..." etc. So I just stopped. Even now I have to pay my dad back for stuff he's helping me with (bus fare, food, etc). I am so unfamiliar with anything having no strings attached that I just feel BAD for taking anything without doing anything for the person. Running total is like $250 now, sidenote for me I guess.

So now I lose out on $25 bucks because I refunded the money and he just gave me $25 bucks instead.

Man this week sucks. 

* My brother stops talking to me because I left his place on his bday because I just didn't feel like going through hearing them fucking bang, I already have shitty trauma from that shit and I don't want to hear it at all, much less them talking about having sex. Thanks Haley, you fucking sack of shit for taking advantage of free rent and sexing up some dudes on the internet even though you knew I wanted to get back together. Yes I'm still fucking salty, and probably always fucking will be. FUCK IT. $400 a month for you to get your freak on on world of warcraft and not take care of ANY chores in the house, no rent, nothing, because I WAS A SIMP. Not even any fucking SEX.

* I just decide to have empathy for free gifts when I'd usually snatch em up. My friend makes like 1000000000% more than I do and I just have to be like "no, too much money to give a poor man". I'm fucking retarded.

* I had to walk home today because the stupid first bus was late so I missed my connecting bus (and still made it home faster walking than if I had taken the bus). And this is probably going to happen a lot, more often than not. I can't wait to get fucking shot walking home at 10 PM at night through fucking Bellwood.

I'm just tired of existing, man. I'm tired of having needs I can't fucking afford. I'm tired of eating once a day. I'm just so tired. And now I have to put that 25 on my bus pass for work too, so I can't even fucking afford more food. I just feel like I'm stretching myself so fucking thin, man. It doesn't help I have zero people to talk to about anything now because (and I can't blame them) no one has a sense of empathy anymore because everyone just has to look out for themselves nowadays. Shit, I do the same goddamn thing. But it gets heavy sometimes. Really heavy.

Is it bad I imagined ordering out with that $50 and then immediately felt bad for it because there's better things I should be spending it on, like a new pair of shoes because I got a blowout in one of my shoes? (a hole) Or another pack of meat and cheese. Or maybe another black polo to wear to work instead of the same one every day?

I'm fucking starving and I haven't eaten all day and I have to wait until closer to bedtime to eat. I'm just sobbing rn. Fuck life, man. Fuck it all.