Man, friggin third wheeling all the time with Joel sucks. I love being around him (him being the only functional family I have) but if his girlfriend is there it just gets... weird. Like they talk about banging and stuff all the time. Which is fine, we're all adults, and I don't really care, but nights like tonight really take the cake. I just hate being a burden to people. I'm probably gonna stop hanging out with him.
Today I brought my PS4 to his house to show him Ghost of Tsushima and I had him play Fall Guys for a little and Ghost and stuff. And we were running around for a while all day. So we're going into the house after going to her place to get her insulin, and she just asks Joel "Hey we're gonna bang later right?" and immediately I was like, mentally, "that's my cue to exit", but I didn't say anything. Then his "sober" GF decided to go buy some alcohol from the gas station down the street, so she bought a tall Whiteclaw (basically alcoholic bubbly water with strong fruit flavors) and drank half of it in a short amount of time, and then complained that "it didn't feel good" and started crying. I was planning to stay for quite a while, but we had to go get food for her from McDonalds to soak up the alcohol in her system.
I can't blame Joel for having a gf, because it's what he wants. But I'm really tired of third wheeling and having him pay for me for everything and stuff. It feels bad man. Just even thinking about it makes me cry. I'm just a useless burden to everyone, and I hate it. I hate it so much. He wouldn't have had to take me home with his sick gf in the car if I wasn't there and his night wouldn't have been shit on by having to drive me two hours.
I shoulda just stayed home and played MHW with Mage and crew. I was playing Ghost of Sushi and so many people in that game just off themselves with a big sharp Tanto or whatever they're called and I'm just like... man I wish I had the willpower to do that. Just slice open muh guts and game over, man. No one has to deal with me anymore, and I don't have to be homeless.
The other day I was trying to figure out how to absolutely hang myself, which would be doable with trees in the backyard I guess, come to think of it. Knowing me I'd get a chair and get it set up and thread my head through the noose and then decide not to, and then fuck up and knock the chair over and off myself accidentally lolol. I'm just tired of being picked up to do anything, being driven around, having people pay for my stuff. I'd rather go hungry at this point. I mean if they're OFFERING straight up I'm not gonna say no, but I'll just feel really bad about it afterwards. But I'm just so tired of people helping me. Er, "helping" I guess. I hate it so much. I appreciate everything Joel's done for me though, like today he took me down to the DG and I got my job approved there, so I can start back up there again for a job, so, that's good. But... I dunno. Still, being driven around sucks. I guess I'd feel better if I got to pay for gas once in a while, or toss $5 in or something. And maybe buying my own dishes when we go out to eat, I dunno. That still doesn't solve the earlier "third wheel" issue, so...
I guess I'll just stop hanging out with Joel then. He had the idea to go to Georgia today to visit our Dad but his girlfriend talked him out of it, which, not gonna lie, I was kinda mad at lol. I'd love to go see my dad one of these weekends, have a surprise visit. But she was worried about her parents knowing where she was (but y tho, she's 23 or whatever?) so we didn't go. Kind of a wacky thought to begin with I guess though, a stretch, so, eh.
I dunno. I'll never have enough willpower to off myself so the next best thing I can do is stop hanging out with Joel. It's probably for the best since his GF seems to just wanna jump his bones all the time too, so. He really needs to save his cash for a new car anyway lol. /shrug
Off to see if Mage is streaming, if not, I guess I'll stream MHW or something, idk.
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