dreams again

 So I don't know how this one started, all I know is that there was a squrriel in my house and my dog got it but it wouldn't shake it to death and I put it outside and then it was like one of those cartoon scenes where as soon as I closed the door and turned around, the squirrel was back in my house looking at me. So I kicked it and went downstairs (I was in some copy of my grandma's place) and looked at this rando vent that didn't exist in the actual house, and I went to place the grating back over it, and it was just like... a square piece of metal with a hole in the middle. So the border of the metal went around the vent and it just didn't have a vent covering. And I just stared at it with rage filling my mental capacity to think until this next part of the dream:

Then the scene switched to me chasing a child (which apparently was the squirrel, in my dream mind?) trying to stab it and kill it (I guess it was a him but my mind doesn't "define" it as a him) and I finally get him and I take out my box cutter that I use at work and start slashing its back, and it's weird because I'm just moving with it in perfect sync but slashing its back, and it just screams, and I do this a LOT. Like 25 times swinging my arm into its back, stabbing and rending flesh. But the flesh is only like 1 millimeter deep and it seems kind of like I'm trying to scratch metal or something? Probably because I've never stabbed anyone irl and have no wish to.

Finally it falls down and turns around on the ground and I LITERALLY cut his achilles tendons. The kid fell on its stomach and I have no fucking idea why I went for this first instead of just killing the "kid" but I just... saw through one tendon at a time until I can see they're both cut through, I can see the white of the tendon like the white of a chicken tendon (idk if that's how they actually look on a human and I don't want to know) and the kid is just screaming and after I finish cutting the tendons it (I keep typing he/his here so I guess I'll use that) he tries to move his feet but he can't and he just kicks me with his "loose" feet and screams. Oh yeah, and I have a huge smile plastered to my face the whole time this weird shit is happening.

 and some fuckin weird fat neckbeard walks up next to me and the kid finally speaks and he's like "why are you doing this?!" and the guy goes "I am [some name I forgot now], and long ago..." and that's when I realized I didn't want to hear his story and woke up. And the weird thing is as soon as I woke up I compared the kid to Drake even though it absolutely was not him in the dream because I immediately felt sorry for my actions in the dream, and the kid. Weird.

I literally got up 30 minutes early to write this and am shaking and wanna throw up. The viciousness and glee I felt during that dream were... inhuman. I never want to feel like that again. I literally don't get up early to write about dreams, I value sleep over this crap, but this was bad. Nothing like this has actually happened in my life and dear gods what the fuck I hope it doesn't ever. There goes 30 minutes of sleep...

Dreamseses.

 This one was a bit of a doozy and left me feeling hopeless first thing in the morning.

So ofc it was her and not some rando girl in my dream. And in it we were hanging out and stuff and messing around here and there. And some time passes and for some reason she's streaming? (Probably my brain telling me to stream Javascript because I missed practicing/streaming it last night, and I was thinking about it before going to bed) and she was streaming WoW (which I just started playing again) and she said something about having 5 guys in her life to mess with or whatever. And in chat I was like "haha what" and then like 3 other chatters swooped in and they were like "yea we've been with her irl" and I just lost all faith in humanity. My arms slumped off the keyboard and I just stared at the screen. I wanted to leave the stream but at the same time I just couldn't believe it after the great time we "had" in the dream.

And then at that point I knew it was a dream, so I woke myself up and that's that.

Great fucking start to my day. BEST START. I probably don't have tomorrow off either, gah. Y u do dis brain? WHY

Edit a little later: Man yesterday was one of those "thinking about my regrets all day" days and I kept thinking about how she wore makeup and then took it off before I got home twice, and even thinking about it now is like jamming a finger into a wound and swirling it around. I was so stupid to not see the signs. You wanna be pretty for some other guy, but not for me, I guess. Gah. GAH I SAY! GAH! I need therapy god dangit. I wish I could afford it.

I got to hang out with Joel yesterday and his pitbull pup, the pup is teething so he likes to bite stuff. I gotta buy him some doggo treats for sho'. I'm going back over there again after work today. I may? get to see his kid as well? Not sure on that one. I was gonna say I should probably wash my jacket so I don't smell like butt going over there but I don't have enough time before I have to go to work lol. Phat rip I guess.

Okay, to WoW.

Edit because unending stream of thought apparently: Is it weird I can't even imagine anyone in my life having sex? Shit, I don't even want sex. That's probably carrying over into those thoughts, but it's like holding an object I don't know how to hold. It's so... foreign to me as a concept. I mean I've had sex but dear god it was so much work, it was useless to me. I understand it's for "close relationship time" with your SO but there's probably a bunch of factors at play here. Like I don't want a SO or a relationship, or sex, so I just don't think about it too often. As a guy like, yea if I see a hot lady or whatever ofc my brain just goes directly to the banging at this point, but I just suppress it. A U T I S M. 

Weird dreams

 Man this was a cool one, but a weird one.

So the whole premise of the dream was that I was at a monster-fighting school during a world apocalypse. Monsters had invaded the world or mutated from existing animals and we were being trained to hunt and kill them. I don't remember the first "hunt" but I know it was successful in my dream.

However the second hunt is where stuff picked up steam. The obvious cliques were formed in my class but we were still one coherent monster fighting group. We were sent with our "Mentor" to a swamp in Florida I think? And it was absolutely dark as hell with only a full moon and our equipment to guide us. Flashlights, etc.

And we split up into several groups. At this point everyone was a rando to me, but we split up into groups of 4 or 5ish. My group was 4 people. So we went off in search of the monster we were looking for, and we ended up finding it. It was a smooth skinned mutated iguana. Think iguanadon, but thin scales like a fish (we could puncture it with a weapon if we wanted) and it was bipedal, with a mean ol' face like a croc/lizard hybrid, is the only way I can explain it.

So the rest of it is a bit blurry, but what I remember is my group being unable to contact the rest of the group and coming across some military equipment, specifically an amphibious gun...tank...thing with an open deck and stuff. So we all climbed on it. The "mentor" was part of our group and was telling us to look for keys and stuff, and I ended up finding the mechanism with keys in them. A girl in our group that I apparently had some sort of relationship or friendship level with judging from my feelings in the dream, came over and the mechanism had a key at the top, a key slot in the middle, and a big red button at the bottom. So we obviously had to turn the keys at the same time. She was trying to turn the key without the second one inserted after she approached, and I was like "stop, stop" and I inserted the other key that was laying there outside of the key thingie near it, and I said "3... 2... 1!" and we both turned it and it started up. So we all piled into the machine and rode out to kill the thing.

Also at some point we saw a group of dudes on a large jetski thing roar by but it was obvious they hadn't found the monster yet.

I don't know if in the dream we killed the monster, because the scene actually flipped right when we flipped the switch to me unfolding some weird... bed... couch thing on a dock outside of a house with the same girl. It took like ten minutes to "unfold" the whole thing, and it ended up being a nice red, nice fabric couch thing that extended out super far. My brain is weird when it comes to places to sit, I guess. And she sat in the middle and I plopped down next to her and put my head on her chest and my arm around her and snuggled her. And we just stayed like that for a while, talking. I was... happy. And I know she was too.

And then in the house behind us we heard a screen door slam and a bunch of people and kids came in, and someone came outside and up to the couch, and she scooted away from my embrace, and that's when I remembered:

BITCHES AIN'T SHIT BUT HOES AND TRICKS

And then I woke up. At least the monster was cool to see.

Man, it's lonely here.

 It's just work -> home ->work -> home over and over. I legitimately miss Drake being in the house. At least I had someone AROUND my age who I could talk with and stuff about various things. I know I have my "friends" online but it's really not the same.

It's funny, when I was a kid, I never wanted Drake around. But boy did that kid look up to me. I think about it all the damn time now man. I treated him like absolute ass. I think about it every single day. I didn't defend him from Terry or Joel, I treated him like an unwanted brother growing up. But now I want to be around him and he doesn't want me around. I'm pretty sure he just moved me out here to have us have that one Christmas together with dad because dad asked for it and he saw the opportunity, and that's it, cause he's up and moved out now, and I'm stuck here with the racist bible-preaching boomer.

I saw a picture of when he was a kid in the kitchen and I just.... am breaking down crying right now. I am absolutely sobbing. I was the worst fucking person in the world to him and he still wanted to be around me and play games with me and just absolutely looked up to me like I was a god. Like I was one of the biggest people to influence his life at the time and he wasn't even a speck of dust in my life at the time. Or rather he was the annoying fairy from Zelda, lol. I was just the worst person. And he was such a happy kid, all the time, and growing up in a house where a fucking cocaine-addled stepdad beat him absolutely ground him into the dirt while I was moved out and dealing with my own problems, but Drake and Joel should have absolutely came first, not me or some wench that was apparently morally and financially dependent on me. I should have moved them out with me. Something. FUCK.

I've tried buying Drake stuff, and Joel too, what I could, but it still doesn't say "sorry" enough for me to them for how I didn't help them growing up. I would give anything to go back and fix it all. Stand up for them, treat them better. BE the big brother I was supposed to BE. Shit, maybe MY life would have turned out better if I had had some fucking balls as a kid.

But no. Now no one's proud of me and I live in a basement, and I'm just a stupid, intellectually-deficient dumb piece of shit that's going to go nowhere in life because of autism and being lazy with no willpower to do anything. 

The one thing I had going for me (working at Mural in a field I liked) I absolutely fucked up by not paying rent on time, or else I'd probably be making "okay" bank right now in Arizona. Now I'm stuck here living on basically someone else's handouts and just... goddamn it all to hell.

I have never wanted to be obliterated off this planet and just be gone more than right now, in my entire life. Now Joel doesn't talk to me because my autistic ass didn't want to listen to him and his gf bang on his birthday so I left, and I haven't seen Drake in a while, but we talk on Messenger.

They both say everything is fine and that I couldn't have helped anything, etc, but it's not true. I could have, I just chose not to because I eventually evolved a mindset of "whatever isn't directly affecting me is not my problem, I have too much crap on my own plate" etc. I just didn't want to deal with it so I didn't try and help them.

I think about this one time Joel knocked on my door back when we lived on Roger Rd. and he asked me for help with something, and I don't remember what he asked me for help with. I don't even remember if I helped him out. I desperately want to remember if I helped him or was at least useful in some way to him.

I remember Drake asking me for help with loads of things and I just blew him off. I remember in like 2014 or something Drake visited Arizona and my Dad asked if I wanted to go see him at my mom's and I was like "No" because I was still pissed that because of his dumbass teacher calling CPS, they almost made me fail high school. Which, the root cause of was Terry, not Drake. But I was too shortsighted to see that.

Legitimately though I am glad he got out of the house and away from Terry because fuck that shit. I wish I would have went and seen him. And now I had a sparse six months with him barely, because I barely saw him due to mine and his sleep schedules, and now it's back to not seeing any of my siblings.

I did try with Krissy. I really did. I tried to support her and help her in ways I didn't and was unable to help Drake and Joel. But she absolutely just took advantage of me instead.

I remember this one time (and I've told Joel this a bunch of times too lol) that we were in the car and Joel was learning how to read, but he had to read out loud to understand the words, and everyone was telling him to shut up. I absolutely regret not trying to open a can of whoopass on Terry for doing that to him. Reading is such a wonderful thing and it was absolutely stifled and stamped out immediately with him, like it is and seems to be with a lot of kids these days. I just remember we were walking up to a Dennys and Joel just walking there, silent, with his book. 

I remember being at my grandma's house and playing tag and, Drake wasn't always the fastest person so when he'd be it, he couldn't catch anyone so he'd just go inside and talk with my grandma and the game was basically over when he got tagged. I wish I would have slown down just the littlest bit to let him "get" me. I wish I would have played more Smash Bros with him. Fuck, even recently I was still an idiot to him. He wanted to play CoD (Call of Duty 2019) all the time and I played a lot with him, but I should have just said yes to whatever match he wanted to play or whatever, and I still brushed him off because I had plans with friends online, or I wanted to watch Mage's stream, or what the fuck ever. Why the fuck am I like this? I know it's human nature to take things for granted, but I take it to the extreme end, and it sucks.

I basically look up to Drake and Joel now, as weird as it is for an older brother to look up to his younger brothers. They can drive, they have well-paying official jobs. They can DO stuff. They're awesome people, and I wish I was like them. And, I laugh to myself, because before, even Joel wanted to be like me as a kid, much less Drake, at one point or another. But now I want to be like them. Have my life together and be a functional adult, and I don't know how. I can't even garner a fucking attention span to do something I don't want to be doing for like, ten minutes.

They're super cool and I'm just the lame-ass retarded brother in the basement everyone makes fun of. I'm "the dog", which is what Joel called me basically during the week I was hanging at his place while we were waiting for electricity to come back at Linda's. I'm just the useless head on a stick.

I remember us living in Naperville in those shitty apartments. I remember seeing home movies from those apartments, and in my grandma's old Wheaton house.

I've had a really shitty week. From Mage being an ass to me to increasing numbers of thoughts about all of this stuff and how shit of a person I am, missing buses and just being alone in my room all the time, having the most minimal amount of money possible so I never feel financially safe (which will continue for a while I am sure) like I thought I wouldn't be when I had a job.

All I'd have to do is go buy a rope, wait until Linda is gone, and straight up hang myself from a tree outside. Or just slip a knife right through the ribs. Though I think hanging might be preferable. Still can't fucking do it anyway, so it doesn't fucking matter. Being a wimpy waste of space sucks. I've actually been trying to work out, unsuccessfully with push-ups and ... half-sit-ups cause I'm fat. But I only do them when people spend points in my channel while I'm streaming. I tried to buy a weighted yoga mat or whatever today but Target didn't have any of that stuff anymore, since I wanted to exercise outside of streaming, but, eh, whatever.

It's all pointless. I'm just trying to get by and eventually there will be a time where no one can help me anymore. I know my dad doesn't want to even help me anymore. I have no one else to ask except in an emergency, and even then that money pool is very limited. I think when that time comes I'll probably off myself then, maybe I'll have enough balls to do it. I'll just be a weight off everyone's shoulders. As much as I wish I was right now. I legitimately wish every day that some rando on the street would just gun me down for being white or what the fuck ever, I don't even care. All I want is to stop being a burden, but no matter how much I try to dredge myself out of the hole, it just collapses back in on me and I just lay there, stuck.

I guess I'm going to bed hungry since I decided to type this post instead of eat this meal in front of me. Shit I haven't actually eaten an "edible" meal in weeks. Linda made corned beef but she didn't cook it long enough and it's not great. The first time was really good, but this time wasn't great.

I literally want to die. I am just the worst person in my own life. I'm gonna go throw this food out and eat a cheese stick, and go to bed. Gotta get up for work in the morning, wew. 

All I want to do is make it up to them, and I'll never, ever be able to. God. Damn it. All.