It's just work -> home ->work -> home over and over. I legitimately miss Drake being in the house. At least I had someone AROUND my age who I could talk with and stuff about various things. I know I have my "friends" online but it's really not the same.
It's funny, when I was a kid, I never wanted Drake around. But boy did that kid look up to me. I think about it all the damn time now man. I treated him like absolute ass. I think about it every single day. I didn't defend him from Terry or Joel, I treated him like an unwanted brother growing up. But now I want to be around him and he doesn't want me around. I'm pretty sure he just moved me out here to have us have that one Christmas together with dad because dad asked for it and he saw the opportunity, and that's it, cause he's up and moved out now, and I'm stuck here with the racist bible-preaching boomer.
I saw a picture of when he was a kid in the kitchen and I just.... am breaking down crying right now. I am absolutely sobbing. I was the worst fucking person in the world to him and he still wanted to be around me and play games with me and just absolutely looked up to me like I was a god. Like I was one of the biggest people to influence his life at the time and he wasn't even a speck of dust in my life at the time. Or rather he was the annoying fairy from Zelda, lol. I was just the worst person. And he was such a happy kid, all the time, and growing up in a house where a fucking cocaine-addled stepdad beat him absolutely ground him into the dirt while I was moved out and dealing with my own problems, but Drake and Joel should have absolutely came first, not me or some wench that was apparently morally and financially dependent on me. I should have moved them out with me. Something. FUCK.
I've tried buying Drake stuff, and Joel too, what I could, but it still doesn't say "sorry" enough for me to them for how I didn't help them growing up. I would give anything to go back and fix it all. Stand up for them, treat them better. BE the big brother I was supposed to BE. Shit, maybe MY life would have turned out better if I had had some fucking balls as a kid.
But no. Now no one's proud of me and I live in a basement, and I'm just a stupid, intellectually-deficient dumb piece of shit that's going to go nowhere in life because of autism and being lazy with no willpower to do anything.
The one thing I had going for me (working at Mural in a field I liked) I absolutely fucked up by not paying rent on time, or else I'd probably be making "okay" bank right now in Arizona. Now I'm stuck here living on basically someone else's handouts and just... goddamn it all to hell.
I have never wanted to be obliterated off this planet and just be gone more than right now, in my entire life. Now Joel doesn't talk to me because my autistic ass didn't want to listen to him and his gf bang on his birthday so I left, and I haven't seen Drake in a while, but we talk on Messenger.
They both say everything is fine and that I couldn't have helped anything, etc, but it's not true. I could have, I just chose not to because I eventually evolved a mindset of "whatever isn't directly affecting me is not my problem, I have too much crap on my own plate" etc. I just didn't want to deal with it so I didn't try and help them.
I think about this one time Joel knocked on my door back when we lived on Roger Rd. and he asked me for help with something, and I don't remember what he asked me for help with. I don't even remember if I helped him out. I desperately want to remember if I helped him or was at least useful in some way to him.
I remember Drake asking me for help with loads of things and I just blew him off. I remember in like 2014 or something Drake visited Arizona and my Dad asked if I wanted to go see him at my mom's and I was like "No" because I was still pissed that because of his dumbass teacher calling CPS, they almost made me fail high school. Which, the root cause of was Terry, not Drake. But I was too shortsighted to see that.
Legitimately though I am glad he got out of the house and away from Terry because fuck that shit. I wish I would have went and seen him. And now I had a sparse six months with him barely, because I barely saw him due to mine and his sleep schedules, and now it's back to not seeing any of my siblings.
I did try with Krissy. I really did. I tried to support her and help her in ways I didn't and was unable to help Drake and Joel. But she absolutely just took advantage of me instead.
I remember this one time (and I've told Joel this a bunch of times too lol) that we were in the car and Joel was learning how to read, but he had to read out loud to understand the words, and everyone was telling him to shut up. I absolutely regret not trying to open a can of whoopass on Terry for doing that to him. Reading is such a wonderful thing and it was absolutely stifled and stamped out immediately with him, like it is and seems to be with a lot of kids these days. I just remember we were walking up to a Dennys and Joel just walking there, silent, with his book.
I remember being at my grandma's house and playing tag and, Drake wasn't always the fastest person so when he'd be it, he couldn't catch anyone so he'd just go inside and talk with my grandma and the game was basically over when he got tagged. I wish I would have slown down just the littlest bit to let him "get" me. I wish I would have played more Smash Bros with him. Fuck, even recently I was still an idiot to him. He wanted to play CoD (Call of Duty 2019) all the time and I played a lot with him, but I should have just said yes to whatever match he wanted to play or whatever, and I still brushed him off because I had plans with friends online, or I wanted to watch Mage's stream, or what the fuck ever. Why the fuck am I like this? I know it's human nature to take things for granted, but I take it to the extreme end, and it sucks.
I basically look up to Drake and Joel now, as weird as it is for an older brother to look up to his younger brothers. They can drive, they have well-paying official jobs. They can DO stuff. They're awesome people, and I wish I was like them. And, I laugh to myself, because before, even Joel wanted to be like me as a kid, much less Drake, at one point or another. But now I want to be like them. Have my life together and be a functional adult, and I don't know how. I can't even garner a fucking attention span to do something I don't want to be doing for like, ten minutes.
They're super cool and I'm just the lame-ass retarded brother in the basement everyone makes fun of. I'm "the dog", which is what Joel called me basically during the week I was hanging at his place while we were waiting for electricity to come back at Linda's. I'm just the useless head on a stick.
I remember us living in Naperville in those shitty apartments. I remember seeing home movies from those apartments, and in my grandma's old Wheaton house.
I've had a really shitty week. From Mage being an ass to me to increasing numbers of thoughts about all of this stuff and how shit of a person I am, missing buses and just being alone in my room all the time, having the most minimal amount of money possible so I never feel financially safe (which will continue for a while I am sure) like I thought I wouldn't be when I had a job.
All I'd have to do is go buy a rope, wait until Linda is gone, and straight up hang myself from a tree outside. Or just slip a knife right through the ribs. Though I think hanging might be preferable. Still can't fucking do it anyway, so it doesn't fucking matter. Being a wimpy waste of space sucks. I've actually been trying to work out, unsuccessfully with push-ups and ... half-sit-ups cause I'm fat. But I only do them when people spend points in my channel while I'm streaming. I tried to buy a weighted yoga mat or whatever today but Target didn't have any of that stuff anymore, since I wanted to exercise outside of streaming, but, eh, whatever.
It's all pointless. I'm just trying to get by and eventually there will be a time where no one can help me anymore. I know my dad doesn't want to even help me anymore. I have no one else to ask except in an emergency, and even then that money pool is very limited. I think when that time comes I'll probably off myself then, maybe I'll have enough balls to do it. I'll just be a weight off everyone's shoulders. As much as I wish I was right now. I legitimately wish every day that some rando on the street would just gun me down for being white or what the fuck ever, I don't even care. All I want is to stop being a burden, but no matter how much I try to dredge myself out of the hole, it just collapses back in on me and I just lay there, stuck.
I guess I'm going to bed hungry since I decided to type this post instead of eat this meal in front of me. Shit I haven't actually eaten an "edible" meal in weeks. Linda made corned beef but she didn't cook it long enough and it's not great. The first time was really good, but this time wasn't great.
I literally want to die. I am just the worst person in my own life. I'm gonna go throw this food out and eat a cheese stick, and go to bed. Gotta get up for work in the morning, wew.
All I want to do is make it up to them, and I'll never, ever be able to. God. Damn it. All.
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