I slightly wish some government agency would come and take me away every time I searched for methods of suicide and just dope me up on a bunch of stuff that lets me just NOT FEEL ANYTHING. I always end up reading the same articles and really wanting to get a 100% helium tank but those are far and few between now. I just want to not feel, /b/. I don't want to feel love, happiness, anything anymore.
That dude, Justin, on /b/ the other day had the right idea with the artery but I'm too much of a fucking wuss to do it. I thought about that guy all day today and I will over the course of new year's now that I'm not in a relationship for new year's. Also spending the night at work working overnights new year's eve and day so it doesn't matter if I had a relationship or not, I'm just gonna be selling booze to drunkards anyway.
If I had a way to numb all the pain during the cut I probably would do it but I probably don't have a way to do that without prescriptions.
And I got a new kitten, I can't leave her with my roommate because I know she will just toss her out of the house on the street or give her to some Craigslist crackhead who can't take care of her.
I just keep getting reasons to keep me fucking tethered here and I don't know why.
Pic related, my kitten. This was a few weeks ago, she's a bit bigger now. Her name is Salty. Just walked out into my living room a few days after I got her and just called her that and the name stuck. Sorry for shit quality.
As I finished writing this Salty climbed up on my chair and just put a paw on my shoulder, haha. Then she went to sleep.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
4chons baww
>tfw in love with a girl and she says she loves you but you don't think she does
Kill me
Me:
Fucker. Anon.
Listen to me right fucking now.
Love like it's not gonna hurt you.
Because in the end, it might, or it might not. But if you live a life of fear and doubt throughout that whole relationship it's gonna suck really badly for you.
I lived it. Six years of it. And I regret every moment of thought that I thought she didn't love me because she did. And I was the dumbass that ended it because, more or less, I thought she'd be better off with another guy. I shattered her heart repeatedly, over and over for 3 months, being a dick to her and overly sensitive about fucking everything until I finally broke it off because I didn't know how to talk about it, and the thoughts every day were ripping me apart.
If I had a third chance (second chance is a long, dumb story) with her I'd snap it up in a heartbeat. I'd sell my computer, all my belongings to be with her again. She is my perfect woman and I fucking messed it up, because I doubted her love for me.
Anon, love like it's not going to ever hurt you. I'll say it twice, I'll say it a million times to all of you fuckers. Do not doubt someone else's love for you. Because if you do, you're in for a worse nightmare than being alone.
(Unless she's one of those bitches that tells everyone "oh love you" all the time, fuck that shit, get her out of your life)
Kill me
Me:
Fucker. Anon.
Listen to me right fucking now.
Love like it's not gonna hurt you.
Because in the end, it might, or it might not. But if you live a life of fear and doubt throughout that whole relationship it's gonna suck really badly for you.
I lived it. Six years of it. And I regret every moment of thought that I thought she didn't love me because she did. And I was the dumbass that ended it because, more or less, I thought she'd be better off with another guy. I shattered her heart repeatedly, over and over for 3 months, being a dick to her and overly sensitive about fucking everything until I finally broke it off because I didn't know how to talk about it, and the thoughts every day were ripping me apart.
If I had a third chance (second chance is a long, dumb story) with her I'd snap it up in a heartbeat. I'd sell my computer, all my belongings to be with her again. She is my perfect woman and I fucking messed it up, because I doubted her love for me.
Anon, love like it's not going to ever hurt you. I'll say it twice, I'll say it a million times to all of you fuckers. Do not doubt someone else's love for you. Because if you do, you're in for a worse nightmare than being alone.
(Unless she's one of those bitches that tells everyone "oh love you" all the time, fuck that shit, get her out of your life)
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Email to Grandma.
Merry Xmas.
It's cool about the gift, I appreciate it. I'll let you know when it gets here. Good, you guys got snow haha. We just got rain and mud... fun to walk to work in, haha.
Where is Drake staying now by chance? Just curious. Yeah, I'm not going to have enough money to come visit anyone ever so, oh well. Hope you all had an enjoyable Christmas though. I went to my mom's for Xmas dinner and then came home.
Nah, factory job didn't happen and isn't going to happen. I'm just working at Circle K now. I like Circle K so it's whatever. That and minimum wage is going up to ten dollars on the first so. And I'm getting a raise of 0.75 cents on top of that so I'll be making 10.75.I asked for a dollar raise and my manager just looked at me like "are you kidding me lol" so. Can't blame me for trying, haha.
Incoming book:
Kindness doesn't win anybody over or get me who I want, exercise and being physically fit does, and I'm too lazy for that crap and love food too much, so that ain't happening.
Don't talk about that stuff when the nicest guys on the planet get strapped down with whores(sorry if that counts as a bad word but getting my point across here) who have 5 kids and have to support a drug addict wife or some crap, which is where I'm going to end up if I wanted to love. And at this point, I really don't with all these crazy women going around screaming rape if a guy pokes them on the shoulder.
I'd rather not deal with women ever again, since I already passed up the one that was perfect for me due to me being jealous over some other idiot's relationship, instead of appreciating I have someone to actually come home to. Now I get to just come home to a roommate who I have to buy food for and pay bills for, instead of supporting someone that I love. And I still love her and tell her that every day no matter what but it's a fruitless endeavor.
Better than supporting a druggie with 5 kids? Yeah, but still not my ideal of course, but whatever at this point. At least I get one paycheck a month to myself now to spend on whatever I want.
I asked Haley this morning after I got back from working overnight if she wanted to get back together, which would be the last time I ask her, and she said no. So we're just going to be roommates. I supported her this whole year (paying rent, bills, food, etc) for her and got nothing for it so she is starting to pay half of rent now and starting next year (in a few days) half of at least the internet bill. She still doesn't have a job and I can't get her a job so. She's just pulling money from Amazon Mechanical Turk still so.
She did say she eventually wants to move out, probably to an apartment in this complex but if it comes down to it and my mom is still alive at that point I'd probably move back in with her for reduced rent and stuff and she can just have the apartment. -shrug- Just take my stuff and she can keep the bookshelves and all the crap I can't take, so.
She doesn't appreciate ME, she appreciates the fact that I keep her internet and electricity and foodstuffs coming in. I don't know how to be an asshole(sorry) and I'm not capable of being one which is apparently what women want from men according to a couple women from work, so I guess I'd rather at least be a supportive doormat. That's more in line with "me" than being mean, but I'd rather be single instead of supporting someone with children and potential drug addictions around here.
She just plays World of Warcraft all day to "escape from reality" she tells me but that leads to no chores being done while I'm at work or anything so I have to do them. She's been kind of keeping up on them so whatever I guess. I'm pretty sure in the near future (in the next 6 months or so) she's probably going to get interested in someone on WoW so I'll have to deal with that, unfortunately. -shrug- At this point, I feel like I've been ripped into tiny shreds so there's no possible way I can feel anything about that at this point.
I even got her a new smartphone (with no service, just using Wifi) to communicate with her as well. It's good for her though since now she can text her mom and her brother I guess so, eh. The smartphone was free but it took a lot to get it.
Just a shredded old supportive doormat.
End book.
So yeah worked overnight last night at work, working overnight tonight and then I got a day and a half off (cause I sleep into one of my days off unfortunately so a day and a half off). Overnights are really ruining my sleep schedule and I keep asking to be moved off of them but my manager isn't hiring anybody or anything so I'm stuck. I do enjoy getting a whole day to do stuff and then just going into work at night, though, so it's 50/50 in my book I guess.
It's cool about the gift, I appreciate it. I'll let you know when it gets here. Good, you guys got snow haha. We just got rain and mud... fun to walk to work in, haha.
Where is Drake staying now by chance? Just curious. Yeah, I'm not going to have enough money to come visit anyone ever so, oh well. Hope you all had an enjoyable Christmas though. I went to my mom's for Xmas dinner and then came home.
Nah, factory job didn't happen and isn't going to happen. I'm just working at Circle K now. I like Circle K so it's whatever. That and minimum wage is going up to ten dollars on the first so. And I'm getting a raise of 0.75 cents on top of that so I'll be making 10.75.I asked for a dollar raise and my manager just looked at me like "are you kidding me lol" so. Can't blame me for trying, haha.
Incoming book:
Kindness doesn't win anybody over or get me who I want, exercise and being physically fit does, and I'm too lazy for that crap and love food too much, so that ain't happening.
Don't talk about that stuff when the nicest guys on the planet get strapped down with whores(sorry if that counts as a bad word but getting my point across here) who have 5 kids and have to support a drug addict wife or some crap, which is where I'm going to end up if I wanted to love. And at this point, I really don't with all these crazy women going around screaming rape if a guy pokes them on the shoulder.
I'd rather not deal with women ever again, since I already passed up the one that was perfect for me due to me being jealous over some other idiot's relationship, instead of appreciating I have someone to actually come home to. Now I get to just come home to a roommate who I have to buy food for and pay bills for, instead of supporting someone that I love. And I still love her and tell her that every day no matter what but it's a fruitless endeavor.
Better than supporting a druggie with 5 kids? Yeah, but still not my ideal of course, but whatever at this point. At least I get one paycheck a month to myself now to spend on whatever I want.
I asked Haley this morning after I got back from working overnight if she wanted to get back together, which would be the last time I ask her, and she said no. So we're just going to be roommates. I supported her this whole year (paying rent, bills, food, etc) for her and got nothing for it so she is starting to pay half of rent now and starting next year (in a few days) half of at least the internet bill. She still doesn't have a job and I can't get her a job so. She's just pulling money from Amazon Mechanical Turk still so.
She did say she eventually wants to move out, probably to an apartment in this complex but if it comes down to it and my mom is still alive at that point I'd probably move back in with her for reduced rent and stuff and she can just have the apartment. -shrug- Just take my stuff and she can keep the bookshelves and all the crap I can't take, so.
She doesn't appreciate ME, she appreciates the fact that I keep her internet and electricity and foodstuffs coming in. I don't know how to be an asshole(sorry) and I'm not capable of being one which is apparently what women want from men according to a couple women from work, so I guess I'd rather at least be a supportive doormat. That's more in line with "me" than being mean, but I'd rather be single instead of supporting someone with children and potential drug addictions around here.
She just plays World of Warcraft all day to "escape from reality" she tells me but that leads to no chores being done while I'm at work or anything so I have to do them. She's been kind of keeping up on them so whatever I guess. I'm pretty sure in the near future (in the next 6 months or so) she's probably going to get interested in someone on WoW so I'll have to deal with that, unfortunately. -shrug- At this point, I feel like I've been ripped into tiny shreds so there's no possible way I can feel anything about that at this point.
I even got her a new smartphone (with no service, just using Wifi) to communicate with her as well. It's good for her though since now she can text her mom and her brother I guess so, eh. The smartphone was free but it took a lot to get it.
Just a shredded old supportive doormat.
End book.
So yeah worked overnight last night at work, working overnight tonight and then I got a day and a half off (cause I sleep into one of my days off unfortunately so a day and a half off). Overnights are really ruining my sleep schedule and I keep asking to be moved off of them but my manager isn't hiring anybody or anything so I'm stuck. I do enjoy getting a whole day to do stuff and then just going into work at night, though, so it's 50/50 in my book I guess.
Saturday, December 3, 2016
God
So I’m watching The Last Kingdom and while playing Summoner’s
War and Pokemon Sun trying to find the ultra beasts. Though, that’s neither
here nor there on what this post is about.
Though I guess I may as well just write about what I’ve done the
last few weeks and stuff I guess since I’m too wimpy to kill myself. I spent 50
bucks on Summoner’s War to summon a bunch of monsters, and (found a UB whee) I
actually got all the monsters I needed for a Veromos summon… I just need to 4
star all of them and (and got distracted by the show and I got the UB, yee
boii) and special the monsters as well… easier said than done of course.
Though uh… I mean Nintendo is losing touch with creating
Pokemon. The UB I just captured is…a bunch of wires. What the fuck.
Anyway, in The Last Kingdom It’s basically about the Viking
(Dane) invasion of England (Saxons). And the Saxons place ALL their faith in
God instead of actually taking action and doing what needs to be done, like the
Danes. And I’m just like… no wonder these people’s settlements and shit are
crap because they think God is going to grace them with iron fortresses and buttresses
and everything and I’m just like ‘lol’. And I feel like this is actually the
issue today too with a lot of people being like “If god wills it, so it shall
be.” I’m like are you daft, people? If you stick with that you’re going to be
homeless because god didn’t give you a home and dead because god didn’t feed
you.
Anyway that’s my rant on that. I guess I can snowball a few
thoughts here (I am aware of the UD meaning of snowball, ew). I was thinking
about getting another dog… just one. And since I don’t really have Haley to
want to stay home with, I was thinking that I’d be more active with the dog and
stuff. I probably wouldn’t be though which is the only reason why I haven’t
picked up another doggie yet. I’m actually thinking about a hypoallergenic cat
instead… one that doesn’t shed a lot and all I have to do is clean some kitty
litter. Not bad. Honestly I’d prefer if Haley wasn’t here so I could just learn
some frieakin responsibility but as long as she’s actually here and willing to
do things I can’t really cause I’m a lazy ass that works and just wants to sit
on my ass when I get home.
Getting tired now though so… I guess I’m off to bed. Maybe
will play Pokemon in bed trying to find the second UB for this area but idk, we’ll
see. I really want to get up early but I never do -_- ugh.
Saturday, October 22, 2016
I'm done
I'm done.
Done with trying to find a decent girl. Done with relationships, done with everything.
I got a second job to pay off my CCs and send Haley back home.
Probably going to buy the tickets dated for the 7th next month for Greyhound. So yap.
She doesn't want to get back together, but she doesn't want to get a job and all she wants to do is sit around and not do any housework when I repeatedly tell her that she needs to do it if she doesn't have a job.
And putting in a few hours a day on a computer where you can dick around and talk with friends is not a fucking job for 30 dollars a week. I appreciate the help when I was low on money but she's stopped timing her deposits and everything which is why I had to get the second job over at Dollar General (which really sucks, btw. It's easy but the cash drawer is like... in the friggin counter so it's really low and I'm really tall :| goddangit so annoying)
I'm friggin working all 3 shifts at Circle K now as well as working any shift at DG. FML so hard right now goddamnit.
I've started just shutting my door. I don't want to hear her talking with people, I don't want to see her playing shit, I don't want to see her period.
At this point I'm just filled with a dull hate-ache for her I guess is how I can put it. She was complaining I go through too many dishes the other day and I was like REALLY? I GO THROUGH TOO MANY DISHES WHEN I AM WORKING AND ACTUALLY NEEDING FOOD TO WORK? I didn't say that to her. But she essentially just called me fat.
When I'm the one working and providing a roof over her head and food to eat and applying to the fucking food stamps place for the 50 dollars in food stamps I get for just having HER here? And I won't even get any food stamps the next time around because she's going to drop off it (laws :| ). She has the GALL to complain about doing fucking ONE chore that I have to remind her over the course of 3-5 days to fucking get done? AND THEN she waits until the absolute last minute to do the shit instead of just doing it in the first place and getting it over with instead? Come on really? -_-
Well I'll see how she likes it when I spring these fucking tickets on her and tell her she has two weeks to get everything she wants to bring ready and the rest I'll ship to her using my DG money AFTER my CCs are paid off most likely.
She's talking and laughing with some person (prolly a dude btw) on Teamspeak right now. God she's changed so much it's ridiculous.
Hating my first ex was very sporadic and just a deep hatred. But hating this one is just a personable hate, not anything deep or anything. Just resentment. Resentment for her being a fucking retard for not telling me what I was doing was hurting her before we broke up. Resentment for her being a lazy ass. Resentment for her being a fucking idiot while I'm over here working my ass off to fucking keep her fed and clothed and everything fucking else she fucking needs.
Fuck this shit.
I fucking work overnights and I work overnight into one of my fucking days off too. Fuck. I fucking hate wasting half of a fucking day off. This is so, oh wait, NO, I work at DG this Monday too RIGHT AFTER my fucking overnight shift at circle K! GREAT!
Goddamn it fucking money. Fuck everything.
Done with trying to find a decent girl. Done with relationships, done with everything.
I got a second job to pay off my CCs and send Haley back home.
Probably going to buy the tickets dated for the 7th next month for Greyhound. So yap.
She doesn't want to get back together, but she doesn't want to get a job and all she wants to do is sit around and not do any housework when I repeatedly tell her that she needs to do it if she doesn't have a job.
And putting in a few hours a day on a computer where you can dick around and talk with friends is not a fucking job for 30 dollars a week. I appreciate the help when I was low on money but she's stopped timing her deposits and everything which is why I had to get the second job over at Dollar General (which really sucks, btw. It's easy but the cash drawer is like... in the friggin counter so it's really low and I'm really tall :| goddangit so annoying)
I'm friggin working all 3 shifts at Circle K now as well as working any shift at DG. FML so hard right now goddamnit.
I've started just shutting my door. I don't want to hear her talking with people, I don't want to see her playing shit, I don't want to see her period.
At this point I'm just filled with a dull hate-ache for her I guess is how I can put it. She was complaining I go through too many dishes the other day and I was like REALLY? I GO THROUGH TOO MANY DISHES WHEN I AM WORKING AND ACTUALLY NEEDING FOOD TO WORK? I didn't say that to her. But she essentially just called me fat.
When I'm the one working and providing a roof over her head and food to eat and applying to the fucking food stamps place for the 50 dollars in food stamps I get for just having HER here? And I won't even get any food stamps the next time around because she's going to drop off it (laws :| ). She has the GALL to complain about doing fucking ONE chore that I have to remind her over the course of 3-5 days to fucking get done? AND THEN she waits until the absolute last minute to do the shit instead of just doing it in the first place and getting it over with instead? Come on really? -_-
Well I'll see how she likes it when I spring these fucking tickets on her and tell her she has two weeks to get everything she wants to bring ready and the rest I'll ship to her using my DG money AFTER my CCs are paid off most likely.
She's talking and laughing with some person (prolly a dude btw) on Teamspeak right now. God she's changed so much it's ridiculous.
Hating my first ex was very sporadic and just a deep hatred. But hating this one is just a personable hate, not anything deep or anything. Just resentment. Resentment for her being a fucking retard for not telling me what I was doing was hurting her before we broke up. Resentment for her being a lazy ass. Resentment for her being a fucking idiot while I'm over here working my ass off to fucking keep her fed and clothed and everything fucking else she fucking needs.
Fuck this shit.
I fucking work overnights and I work overnight into one of my fucking days off too. Fuck. I fucking hate wasting half of a fucking day off. This is so, oh wait, NO, I work at DG this Monday too RIGHT AFTER my fucking overnight shift at circle K! GREAT!
Goddamn it fucking money. Fuck everything.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Idk
Same OP. One by one I get bored of games until I sit at home and do nothing because all my income goes to my bills (and 2 credit cards that I keep fucking maxing out instead of paying off like a retard to buy more video games that I end up stopping playing 100 hours or less into the game)
shit really sucks. Along with the fact that I'm too wimpy to kill myself, and I broke up with the only woman in the world that will ever love me for who I am (was with her 6 years and I got jealous over another person's relationship and instead of talking it out I jumped to a breakup... worst decision in my entire 24 years of living and will always be my worst decision forever) I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I am just... lost. I have no support, no nothing. Oh, and she's living with me still too. No sex, no nothing, she just plays WoW all day while I moved into the bedroom and just sit here bymyself listening to her laugh with her guildies on wow. Rips my soul into pieces.
I just wish I had a PASSION for something that I could just throw myself into so I would barely ever have to be home but after an 8 hour workday I'm always exhausted and just want to sit. I've tried coding Java, C++, Ruby, I've tried making art (lol w/o a tablet it's shit btw), I've tried gaming (I love gaming but I suck donkey dick at it tbh, I just am not SPECTACULAR at anything I play ever), I've tried writing, I've tried reading (Read all the books in my house prolly around 50-60 books, love reading but no money for books) and I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore.
shit really sucks. Along with the fact that I'm too wimpy to kill myself, and I broke up with the only woman in the world that will ever love me for who I am (was with her 6 years and I got jealous over another person's relationship and instead of talking it out I jumped to a breakup... worst decision in my entire 24 years of living and will always be my worst decision forever) I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I am just... lost. I have no support, no nothing. Oh, and she's living with me still too. No sex, no nothing, she just plays WoW all day while I moved into the bedroom and just sit here bymyself listening to her laugh with her guildies on wow. Rips my soul into pieces.
I just wish I had a PASSION for something that I could just throw myself into so I would barely ever have to be home but after an 8 hour workday I'm always exhausted and just want to sit. I've tried coding Java, C++, Ruby, I've tried making art (lol w/o a tablet it's shit btw), I've tried gaming (I love gaming but I suck donkey dick at it tbh, I just am not SPECTACULAR at anything I play ever), I've tried writing, I've tried reading (Read all the books in my house prolly around 50-60 books, love reading but no money for books) and I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Fuck, man.
1:30 AM
I don't know how to make these feelings go away.
FML. Goddamn it. I'm just a swirl of emotions right now and I just want it to be SILENCED. FOREVER.
I just want to be with her. But she doesn't want to be with me. I'm never going to find someone else like her, not even close. I fucked up so badly. So... so badly. If I have one regret in my entire life, I know it's going to be this. Breaking up with Haley was the worst -jump-to-conclusions decision in my entire life I've ever made in the 24 years I've been alive.
For a while before we broke up I actually stopped wishing I would die in my sleep. No pain just... gone. But it stopped right before I started working at Circle K and... this happened.
Gods I just started crying. Dammit.
I just... I wish, and I'm not blaming her because of how I acted in the past, but she just made it seem like she wasn't affected by me being mad all the time before we broke up. And then she told me when I would leave for work she would cry her eyes out. Why didn't she just show me this was hurting her? Goddamnit. I would have talked to her about it instead of breaking up with her. Hopefully, at least.
I just... she shows no emotions toward me at all. Nothing. It's like... hugging a blank person. She may as well just be keeping her arms at her sides when I hug her, because that's what I feel like when she hugs me back. There's no... there's no love. None. Like it never existed. But... I know it did. I remember the visit, I remember her moving in, I remember everything... and I know it was there. And I just threw it away. She protected me from all the nasty bugs and she sprayed the room we lived in at my mom's house with the anti-bedbug mixture I bought for MONTHS. YEARS. She helped me so... so much. And now it's gone. I have nobody to support me. Nobody to say, "you can do it!". Nobody to ground me when my hopes get too high. Nobody to help me. It's so lonely. She was my one true match and I fucking blew it. I blew it by being a fucking retard.
I played Magic with Kevin tonight and all I could think of was us playing Magic. Going and spending 600 dollars on magic cards and us building decks together in the living room and-
I just cried for a few minutes... this song I'm listening to isn't helping
- and fighting each other with our custom decks and... and sitting and watching TV shows together in the living room and eating together and going out together and cooking together and playing wow cards together too and playing wow together and some games together and just... being together.
Now we're in separate rooms. I'm in the bedroom and she's in the living room. She sleeps on a blanket on the floor while I get the futon. I offered the futon but she said no so.
I just want to go back. I just want to go back...
I have her stack of letters to me in front of me and I just... I want to go through them again, but part of me is just asking, why am I doing this to myself? And I answer, because I miss her. And this is the only way that lets me know that... at one time, she did love me.
Just cried for another 10 minutes... crying while I write everything as well, I just stop for the wracking sobs
She's the only person that ever loved me unconditionally. And I didn't realize it and it took me LEAVING her to realize that she just fucking loved me because I was me. Not because of some special talent (lol I don't have one) or looks (lol don't have those) or anything like that.
When I close my eyes I just see her. I imagine us together again... laughing, eating, going places... everything. I imagine everything we used to do. I imagine us just sitting at home on our computers and talking.
And when I hear her laughing because another person made her laugh... it shreds my fucking soul. I want to bang my head against a wall until I can't hear it anymore because I can't bear it. Because I know it's another dude making her laugh and slowly getting closer to her while I'm drifting away from her... very quickly. As much as I try to paddle my little 2x4 in the ocean of emotions toward her, the current is dragging me away.
God I miss her just... petting my hair. I miss all the little things.
Every day before I go to work I pet her hair a little bit while she sleeps and I tell her I love her and leave and shut the door behind me and go face the world on my own. And it's... I just... I didn
cried
I didn't realize how soul crushing the world is without someone by your side. Without someone to support you. Without... without her dammit. Stepping outside my apartment every day knowing she doesn't want me or care for me any more is... it's hard. Every time I take my last steps toward the door, I look at her sleeping and one thought just rings in my head: You. Fucked. Up. And I turn around and head out to work and put on my fake smile and fake talk to everyone at work to pretend I really fucking care about their fucking problems. I have 3 hours until I have to get up to "go to the gym" with victor but he's probably not going to go.
It's so lonely in this room. So... so cold and lonely. Every time I hug her I just want to fall asleep in her arms again. My body relaxes like it's in bed with her and I have to fight to stay awake with her good-smelling shampoo wafting into my nose and relaxing me...
She went with me to my first job interview at Panda Express and waited there with me for 4 hours for Terry to get off of work and pick us up, in the extreme heat. I took a nap on her lap for 20 minutes and we walked around the El Con Mall. We had fun, albeit in the extreme heat.
She is just... such a huge chunk of my life. And it's just... gone. Perhaps forever. I'm just floating without any support. Well, actually, falling. Floating would be a blessing. And I'm just getting deeper and deeper into depression and I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.
I want to just... leave. I want to just walk until I can't walk anymore and die somewhere where nobody will ever find me. I'll never have enough money to afford the things I want, nor get Haley back... I'm just going to ... fuck I don't know.
Just please...
Somebody make it stop. Please. It hurts... it hurts so much.
This is the song I am listening to by the way, if anyone cares: http://listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=F90Cw4l-8NY#Bastille_-_Pompeii
I guess I'll just fuck off and go do something else and try to forget...
Who am I kidding, let's go find a baww thread on /b/.
3:13 AM: No baww threads on /b/ so now I'm just going to read through her letters... I don't know why the fuck I'm still awake.
3:33 AM: I just realized that these letters are all the "love" I have left of her. This is all the "love" that she had for me and it's all I have to grasp to. Fuck man... just... I can't do it... I can't. I wish my gramps was alive so I could ask him what to do... he would know.
3:45 AM: But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all? But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before?
I don't know how to make these feelings go away.
FML. Goddamn it. I'm just a swirl of emotions right now and I just want it to be SILENCED. FOREVER.
I just want to be with her. But she doesn't want to be with me. I'm never going to find someone else like her, not even close. I fucked up so badly. So... so badly. If I have one regret in my entire life, I know it's going to be this. Breaking up with Haley was the worst -jump-to-conclusions decision in my entire life I've ever made in the 24 years I've been alive.
For a while before we broke up I actually stopped wishing I would die in my sleep. No pain just... gone. But it stopped right before I started working at Circle K and... this happened.
Gods I just started crying. Dammit.
I just... I wish, and I'm not blaming her because of how I acted in the past, but she just made it seem like she wasn't affected by me being mad all the time before we broke up. And then she told me when I would leave for work she would cry her eyes out. Why didn't she just show me this was hurting her? Goddamnit. I would have talked to her about it instead of breaking up with her. Hopefully, at least.
I just... she shows no emotions toward me at all. Nothing. It's like... hugging a blank person. She may as well just be keeping her arms at her sides when I hug her, because that's what I feel like when she hugs me back. There's no... there's no love. None. Like it never existed. But... I know it did. I remember the visit, I remember her moving in, I remember everything... and I know it was there. And I just threw it away. She protected me from all the nasty bugs and she sprayed the room we lived in at my mom's house with the anti-bedbug mixture I bought for MONTHS. YEARS. She helped me so... so much. And now it's gone. I have nobody to support me. Nobody to say, "you can do it!". Nobody to ground me when my hopes get too high. Nobody to help me. It's so lonely. She was my one true match and I fucking blew it. I blew it by being a fucking retard.
I played Magic with Kevin tonight and all I could think of was us playing Magic. Going and spending 600 dollars on magic cards and us building decks together in the living room and-
I just cried for a few minutes... this song I'm listening to isn't helping
- and fighting each other with our custom decks and... and sitting and watching TV shows together in the living room and eating together and going out together and cooking together and playing wow cards together too and playing wow together and some games together and just... being together.
Now we're in separate rooms. I'm in the bedroom and she's in the living room. She sleeps on a blanket on the floor while I get the futon. I offered the futon but she said no so.
I just want to go back. I just want to go back...
I have her stack of letters to me in front of me and I just... I want to go through them again, but part of me is just asking, why am I doing this to myself? And I answer, because I miss her. And this is the only way that lets me know that... at one time, she did love me.
Just cried for another 10 minutes... crying while I write everything as well, I just stop for the wracking sobs
She's the only person that ever loved me unconditionally. And I didn't realize it and it took me LEAVING her to realize that she just fucking loved me because I was me. Not because of some special talent (lol I don't have one) or looks (lol don't have those) or anything like that.
When I close my eyes I just see her. I imagine us together again... laughing, eating, going places... everything. I imagine everything we used to do. I imagine us just sitting at home on our computers and talking.
And when I hear her laughing because another person made her laugh... it shreds my fucking soul. I want to bang my head against a wall until I can't hear it anymore because I can't bear it. Because I know it's another dude making her laugh and slowly getting closer to her while I'm drifting away from her... very quickly. As much as I try to paddle my little 2x4 in the ocean of emotions toward her, the current is dragging me away.
God I miss her just... petting my hair. I miss all the little things.
Every day before I go to work I pet her hair a little bit while she sleeps and I tell her I love her and leave and shut the door behind me and go face the world on my own. And it's... I just... I didn
cried
I didn't realize how soul crushing the world is without someone by your side. Without someone to support you. Without... without her dammit. Stepping outside my apartment every day knowing she doesn't want me or care for me any more is... it's hard. Every time I take my last steps toward the door, I look at her sleeping and one thought just rings in my head: You. Fucked. Up. And I turn around and head out to work and put on my fake smile and fake talk to everyone at work to pretend I really fucking care about their fucking problems. I have 3 hours until I have to get up to "go to the gym" with victor but he's probably not going to go.
It's so lonely in this room. So... so cold and lonely. Every time I hug her I just want to fall asleep in her arms again. My body relaxes like it's in bed with her and I have to fight to stay awake with her good-smelling shampoo wafting into my nose and relaxing me...
She went with me to my first job interview at Panda Express and waited there with me for 4 hours for Terry to get off of work and pick us up, in the extreme heat. I took a nap on her lap for 20 minutes and we walked around the El Con Mall. We had fun, albeit in the extreme heat.
She is just... such a huge chunk of my life. And it's just... gone. Perhaps forever. I'm just floating without any support. Well, actually, falling. Floating would be a blessing. And I'm just getting deeper and deeper into depression and I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.
I want to just... leave. I want to just walk until I can't walk anymore and die somewhere where nobody will ever find me. I'll never have enough money to afford the things I want, nor get Haley back... I'm just going to ... fuck I don't know.
Just please...
Somebody make it stop. Please. It hurts... it hurts so much.
This is the song I am listening to by the way, if anyone cares: http://listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=F90Cw4l-8NY#Bastille_-_Pompeii
I guess I'll just fuck off and go do something else and try to forget...
Who am I kidding, let's go find a baww thread on /b/.
3:13 AM: No baww threads on /b/ so now I'm just going to read through her letters... I don't know why the fuck I'm still awake.
3:33 AM: I just realized that these letters are all the "love" I have left of her. This is all the "love" that she had for me and it's all I have to grasp to. Fuck man... just... I can't do it... I can't. I wish my gramps was alive so I could ask him what to do... he would know.
3:45 AM: But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all? But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before?
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
7 Falls
7 Falls
and ended up leaving about like, close to 10 PM. It took us 2 hours to get up and close to 2 hours back down. However, we hiked UP to 7 falls which was supposed to be filled with waterfalls and water, but as it turns out I guess this summer was pretty brutal, so it was completely dry when we got there. We turned back immediately out of "WHAT THE FLYING FUCK ARE WE OUT HERE FOR THEN". And at this time it was about 8PM, a little after, we still had a little light. So about ten minutes later we are walking down the treacherous path back down towards the riverbed, and it starts fucking raining.
For anyone that doesn't know about 7 Falls, it is located inside a canyon. There are mountain lion warnings, bear warnings, and most importantly, flash flood warnings posted everywhere, telling people to not hike the trail in the rain. WELL GUESS WHAT WE HAD TO DO? THAT'S RIGHT, HIKE THAT SHIT IN THE RAIN. We moved our asses extremely quickly and kept an ear out for roaring water, cause that meant we were screwed.
Keep in mind that my buddies Kevin and Victor were with me and they had hiked the trail before (pretty sure kevin has anyway) and I have not at all. So they had to deal with me being a slow ass pansy on the way down.
During the way down I was stressing and freaking out so much I wanted to just start crying. My body was on point though as if I got stuff in my eye or whatever my eyes would immediately tear up to clear that shit outta there so I could keep watching the rocks coming up under my feet so I didn't fall and smash my head open so I'm grateful for that haha. But yeah it was... an extremely stressful experience.
Also on the way down I hurt my ankle (sprained my right ankle but it's okay now) and I slipped once, almost fell off a cliff to my death and hurt my knee in that fall. Fortunately the adrenaline rush I had going down the mountain made it so I didn't feel my knee pain the rest of the way down which was nice. I fell 2 more times on slippery rocks because of the rain and lolnogripshoes. I should really buy some hiking boots but they'd be like 200 dollars for my shoe size lol (18). So yeah my ankle made me reaaaally slow, a lot slower than they would have liked but... we made it out anyway.
Anyway, so now my knee hurts a lot, ankle is fine for the most part, but we cheated death! YAY! And now I can tell people I hiked 7 falls trail! Would I do it again? Maybe a year down the line during the daytime instead of close to night time. Or sooner, I dunno. Not doing any hiking with my knee like this though.
But I would do it again at nighttime too, just y'know... when it's not raining. The bugs and shit that are out during the day there are pretty dangerous, or so I was told. And there were a fuckton of flies buzzing around me and I HATE hearing that buzzing noise next to my ears, it freaks me out, which is why I mention I would do it again at nighttime for the trail back. If it wasn't for the rain it would have been peaceful. I took some video I may or may not upload but unfortunately I didn't take any video of the way back, so :[ NO DRAMATICS.
Thanks for reading guys.
For anyone that doesn't know about 7 Falls, it is located inside a canyon. There are mountain lion warnings, bear warnings, and most importantly, flash flood warnings posted everywhere, telling people to not hike the trail in the rain. WELL GUESS WHAT WE HAD TO DO? THAT'S RIGHT, HIKE THAT SHIT IN THE RAIN. We moved our asses extremely quickly and kept an ear out for roaring water, cause that meant we were screwed.
Keep in mind that my buddies Kevin and Victor were with me and they had hiked the trail before (pretty sure kevin has anyway) and I have not at all. So they had to deal with me being a slow ass pansy on the way down.
During the way down I was stressing and freaking out so much I wanted to just start crying. My body was on point though as if I got stuff in my eye or whatever my eyes would immediately tear up to clear that shit outta there so I could keep watching the rocks coming up under my feet so I didn't fall and smash my head open so I'm grateful for that haha. But yeah it was... an extremely stressful experience.
Also on the way down I hurt my ankle (sprained my right ankle but it's okay now) and I slipped once, almost fell off a cliff to my death and hurt my knee in that fall. Fortunately the adrenaline rush I had going down the mountain made it so I didn't feel my knee pain the rest of the way down which was nice. I fell 2 more times on slippery rocks because of the rain and lolnogripshoes. I should really buy some hiking boots but they'd be like 200 dollars for my shoe size lol (18). So yeah my ankle made me reaaaally slow, a lot slower than they would have liked but... we made it out anyway.
Anyway, so now my knee hurts a lot, ankle is fine for the most part, but we cheated death! YAY! And now I can tell people I hiked 7 falls trail! Would I do it again? Maybe a year down the line during the daytime instead of close to night time. Or sooner, I dunno. Not doing any hiking with my knee like this though.
But I would do it again at nighttime too, just y'know... when it's not raining. The bugs and shit that are out during the day there are pretty dangerous, or so I was told. And there were a fuckton of flies buzzing around me and I HATE hearing that buzzing noise next to my ears, it freaks me out, which is why I mention I would do it again at nighttime for the trail back. If it wasn't for the rain it would have been peaceful. I took some video I may or may not upload but unfortunately I didn't take any video of the way back, so :[ NO DRAMATICS.
Thanks for reading guys.
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