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Idk what I'm doing. I went home from work early today. Today has just been so fucking bad. I'm not gonna be able to pay rent because stupid Earnin dug me into the fucking ground. I'm considering going and buying a rope cause it's over for me at the end of the month. I'll probably go do it tomorrow.

Over the past week my mental health has just deteriorated to wet shreds of tissue paper and I can't do this stupid shit anymore. I can't fucking do anything right, I'm slacking at work because of it. I'm tired of giving my all and getting nothing in return. Our boss was supposed to bring food for us today (I haven't eaten anything in 3 days) and I had to forward myself money to buy a frozen dinner from Walgreens.

I have no friends to hang out with, no one to talk to, no one cares about me IRL, maybe a couple people do online who wouldn't really notice I'm gone. I'm just fucking dead in the water.

I'm gonna have to go find a sturdy tree or something I guess.

I wish I could just be a pleb and just take no responsibility for my own actions and just "leave everything in god's hands" or some dumbass shit so I just wouldn't have to care about anything in my life at all or some fuckin' jazz. I'm even gonna lose another 61 dollars this paycheck to student loans. I can't even afford 61 dollars man. Fuck.

Edit later: now i have alcogol let eht games beghin

Don't understand.

So recently I've been thinking about attraction between men and women... and I don't get it. It's kind of driving me into the ground whenever I think about it more and more.

Like... god I guess so many questions are floating around about that. Obviously it's a chemical effect in the brain upon becoming "attached" via "feelings", which are still all chemical effects happening in the brain, on both sides. But there is no way a 9/10 woman would be sleeping with a 5/10 dude unless he was seriously funny, and even then I'm pretty sure she'd be sleeping around on the side anyway. Nice guys finish last, and all that.

I really just don't understand "attraction" between sexes. Like, at this point if a woman said she was attracted to me and wanted to bang or have a relationship or something, I'd be scared witless, I wouldn't pursue that in any capacity and I'd actually be quite frightened.

Emulating the situation, she'd say something, and my train of thought would immediately be: Is this a joke? If it's not a joke, what does she want from me? There's no way anyone can feasibly like me, my past is proof of that. I can't get involved with anyone or I'll fuck them up. Okay, I'm just going to tell her "Not right now, but I'm flattered".

Of course I'm kind of putting myself on a pedestal here, I'm a fucking potato with legs for christ's sake. Of course none of that would actually happen to me, that shit only happens to good looking dudes.

But I guess I haven't really hit the nail on the head of basically what I'm trying to say here and I probably never will, but why are the sexes attracted to each other? And by sexes here I mean male and female, not some weird attack helicopter shit. Moreover, why are women conditioned to want to shove a dick in? Why are guys programmed to shove that dick in a hole?

I'm probably thinking way too deeply into this, but whenever I do I end up just basically drowning in thoughts for a while about it until I find something else to think about.

This has also come up because I was thinking about my previous relationship (isn't every post like this connected in some way, damn.) and how I didn't really feel anything when I kissed her or was generally close to her sexually. I highly enjoy hugs and stuff with clothes on. I dunno, maybe because she didn't really do anything spontaneously to me? Then again I did kind of discourage that, big oof on my part. The more days that pass the more I think about just hiring an escort or something just to *literally* sleep with me overnight or something to snuggle.

I was also considering mentioning that to my psych, but I don't think it's important. I'm pretty much a sociopath deep down and that would explain the lack of feelings all around during that whole relationship, but am I if I just seek companionship at the least and... well, let's be honest, a wet hole to fuck to relieve myself at a maximum? I do hate wording it like that though since my main problem is not having someone to talk about stuff with and just... have conversations over sex, but still. But I'm pretty sure I'm incapable of genuinely loving someone, so that's kind of how it'd work out I guess.

I'm getting too deep in my head right now, I think I'm gonna go play Death Stranding or zone out listening to Youtube. I... I just want to understand. I just want to see what that feels like, what drives a person to want to be around another person in a romantic way? Agh. I'll never know, and if it happened to me [again], I'd flee for the hills because I don't understand it, and there are way too many things that could ruin my life in it.

Today has been a day.

A pin on my scooter broke last night. Took a Lyft home, put my scooter in the trunk, and when I took it out the pin holding the handlebars up was gone so it just folded down despite me locking it into place. Today I had to spend $15 dollars because I don't know screw sizes or whatever and I ended up buying the wrong kind, so I looked like an idiot going back into Lowes after I was just in there. And then I had to, during that whole thing, actually OPEN the product to see if it fit, so now there's a bunch of butterfly screws and bolt bags that are just open at Lowes because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS FUCKING SHIT.

Then I found out the day before as well (sunday) that my fucking jeans were ripped. The jeans that Jake helped me out with that were 60 dollars (that I paid him back for, but still). Those were some comfy motherfuckin jeans. And now I have a set of khakis and a pair of... stretchy jeans? They feel stretchy so idk. And the inseam on the left side of the pant leg just constantly rubs against my leg, even when I'm sitting. So I ended up buying a belt (that was the wrong size because I'm a dumbass and didn't pay attention to the actual size on the belt but instead looked at the sizing chart on the back), 2 pairs of pants and I gave 20 dollars to the lyft driver that helps me out, so I ended up spending $80 today which was everything I had in my account, so I gave myself $30 from Earnin.

Then I just went home because I was so fucking mentally exhausted. I played a little of Death Stranding (great game btw holy fuuuuck) and during it I was like "fuck me I gotta go to work man" so I ended up going at 5:30ish and just had ONE long appointment that I had scheduled from 6 PM to 9 PM, turns out I didn't even do any of the prep work for the appointment, PAST ME FUCKING SCREWED FUTURE ME OVER. This guy has been so patient with all the reschedules and I just feel terrible for a lot of these people because their work's not getting done because I can't fucking get it done fast enough god fucking damn it.

I left at 10:30 because I just felt like shit, hit 2 huge rocks on the way home on my scooter, jamming my wrist, and my right arm just has a permanent fucking cramp in it I guess now.

Now I'm home and I'm just waiting for a nuke to land on my apartment just to really fuck me over today.

My boss messaged me at work saying he saw I clocked in and he hoped I was okay, and I thought of that just now as I was throwing away a salad from QT I got a couple days ago that I just picked at, and yknow what, I'm not okay, and I haven't been OKAY for fucking YEARS because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ADULT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUCKING WILLPOWER. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE SELF-CONTROL. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STAY ON TOP OF TASKS. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RIP MYSELF AWAY FROM WHAT I WANT TO DO, AND INSTEAD WASH MY CLOTHES OR CLEAN MY KITCHEN.

Is everyone like this? Is everyone just as unprepared for life as I was? Am? I'll never know because that's not something you can ask someone and get a straight answer on. I still just mentally feel 18 and I hate it, man. I'm almost fucking 30 and I'm just... god-awful at everything. I did forget to buy rope from Lowes though, man. I just... I just need to have it around. To be honest as soon as I get fired I'm just going to do it that day though.

On that topic I was thinking, what the f do suicide hotlines do for people? They let people rant and rave over the phone and then what? Their problems aren't fixed, not by any means, and they're still in the same shit situation they were in an hour ago, or yesterday, or whatever. Venting helps with feelings, but unless you do something about your situation, nothing's gonna change. And to taking my own advice, I say: I need money, thanks.

Good god it's like every regret I've ever had in life is just murdering my brain right now, and now I'm starting to cry and I don't even know why. I'm not even fucking sad damn it. NOTHING HAPPENED

reddit post 2

https://www.reddit.com/r/DoesAnybodyElse/comments/duahct/dae_get_frustrated_when_you_lose_interest_in/

Yep. Been wondering if other people have been feeling like this too.

I get an itch to play something, play it for an hour, then close it out and look at my steam library or my Playstation library and then I can't decide on anything and go see what's on Youtube. Then I want to play something with Youtube playing in the background (I really like playing games with verbal background noise, but Podcasts never do it for me for some reason) but I don't know what to play.

This has been my life for the last few years and it's fucking terrible. I used to find so much quality and wonder in games. Every new game I wanted had a unique storyline, or was just fun to play outright along with the story. But recently every game has just been shit and predictable as hell. There have been no UNIQUE MMORPGs, no unique RPGs, RTS games, etc. I can only go back to Dawn of War so many fucking times before it gets stale as fuck.

Even recently my buddy bought me Borderlands 3 (the 100 dollar package too, which I didn't really need but he wants to play DLC with me) and throughout the whole time we played I was just bored. The dialogue was shit, the gameplay was THE SAME. "Huehuehu gun that shoots guns tho!" Yeah they added some fancy new graphics but the story was shit, again. The whole Borderlands franchise is crap.

The real thing that brought me back a while ago was playing Monster Hunter World, solo. Fucking hell that game is tough, but absolutely fair. I got addicted af to that and I would recommend it on PC as well if you've already played it on PS4, just for the mods lol.

The other game that I played over this last weekend was Death Stranding. I'm at work right now and I'm just JONESING to play more of that shit dude. It's almost scary how much I feel like I NEED TO PLAY IT right now.

It's just fetch quests and delivery quests but goddamn the story behind the game as well as a post-apoc but futuristic society using another dimension to add to our own is fucking mind blowing, and never have I seen that done so well in a game. I think I might actually platinum this game and I hope after finishing it the game lets you continue with your gameplay and not load an old save. It's UNIQUE. It's what I've been looking for a game to give me a feeling of: accomplishment and moving forward as well as being FUN to play. I can't remember the last time I had as much fun playing a game as Death Stranding is. I literally spent 5 hours or more yesterday and 2 hours this morning slogging through snow and over fucking mountains to deliver some friggin fossils and medicine and shit. It was SO SLOW. But the meticulous route planning (or just going as the crow flies I guess which is what I was doing for a lot of the game) and following that path and encountering PTs in the rain and having to fix your packages and shit, there's just so many UNIQUE things here and it taps every piece of my brain just right every time I play it. I probably put 36 hours into it over the course of the last 3 days.

I miss gaming. I miss looking forward to the next cool release. I miss unique games that had charm all their own, and they're so few and far in-between that I basically have no purpose in life now, and it's been extracting a heavy toll on me lately. I really hope the game industry bounces back.

reddit psot

From user detsnam:

So when women or their SO makes romantic gestures to men, do they like it?

You're a little bit off the mark—you're actually describing an inversion of the gendered roles here (i.e. the woman is an active contributor while the man is a passive recipient or responder). While a man will appreciate such a gesture, it's not quite what composes the male romantic fantasy (more on this later).

Do men that were heavily pursued by women feel this way?

Men who aren't used to being pursued are usually confused or thrown off by the reversal of gendered roles. The result is the prevailing idea that men do not respond well to being approached first by women or even the autobiographical accounts from men describing instances where they couldn't respond well even if they were attracted to the woman approaching them. This is the men being shocked out of the traditional "script" of romance.

Secondly, when you talk about women pursuing men, that usually happens in a markedly different fashion than the way in which men pursue women (hint: it's more passive). A woman "aggressively" pursuing a man looks more like said woman going to extensive lengths to make it clear that she is available for pursuit rather than actively pursuing; the man is still usually leading things forward in some manner by handling the logistics of this romance. This is where you get those autobiographical stories from men about missing signals; "aggressive" pursuit from women is (usually) a set of passive signals that are clear to men who are experienced, but unclear to men not used to being "pursued."

I wonder if this is true in same sex male couples too.

I do too. I talk with a homosexual friend about stuff like this a lot, maybe I'll bring it up next time I see him.

The Male Romantic Fantasy

I'd say that men usually feel most loved when this normal state of affairs is negated; when they are made to believe that a woman's love is not conditional in the cause-and-effect manner described in the parent post. Love is work for men, but it can be rewarding work when things are going smoothly and the woman is happy as a result. But the male romantic fantasy is to be shown that the woman feels the same way and stands by him when he's down on his luck, when the money's not there, or when he's not feeling confident. He wants to know that the love he believes he's earned will stay even when the actions that feed it wane (however temporarily). A good woman can often lift a man up in his times of need and desperation and weather the storm even when things aren't going well. The male romantic fantasy is an enduring and unconditional love that seems to defy this relationship of labor and reward. A man wants to be loved for who he is, not for what he does in order to be loved.

An interesting way to examine this is to look at what women often call romantic entitlement. An entitled guy is a dude who maintains an unrealistic notion of men's typically active role in love. Before acknowledging reality, this boy uncompromisingly believes that he shouldn't have to do anything or change anything about himself to earn a woman's love; he wants to be loved for who he is, not what he does.

All men secretly want this, but there comes a day when they eventually compromise out of necessity. After that day, they may spend years honing themselves, working, shaping themselves into the men they believe women want to be chosen by. A massive part of what causes boys to "grow up" is the realization that being loved requires hard work. This impetus begins a journey where a boy grows into a man by gaining strength, knowledge, resources, and wisdom. The harsh realities of the world might harden and change him into a person his boyhood self wouldn't recognize. He might adopt viewpoints he doesn't agree with, transgress his personal boundaries, or commit acts he previously thought himself incapable of. But ultimately, the goal is to feel as if his work is done.

When he can finally let go of the crank he continually turns day after day in order to earn love and, even if only for a moment, it turns by itself to nourish him in return, that is when he will know he is loved.

fantasies of death

The amount of times I've zoned out thinking of just being dead is astounding. Moreover thinking of the effects that I would have on everyone in my life which is absolutely 0 effect besides maybe on my dad since he's the only part of my family I talk to.

Jeez I am thinking about a lot of morose stuff right now, just zoned out thinking about when we went to put Knight down at the vet. Big oof.

I got dressed to go get some soda but I'm sitting here writing and I don't really know why... I skipped an ADHD pill yesterday cause I forgot it and just took my normal one today but tbh, I... really can't tell if the pills are doing anything anymore. Would I notice the effects waning after 1 day of not taking them? Probably not, right? Idk /shrug.

I'm going to the psych again this week and tbh I never have much to say to the guy. Sometimes I do think about doubling up on a dose just to see what would happen since I really want to FOCUS on whatever I'm doing, not... what I currently do which is still do whatever I want at work. For christ's sakes I watch TLM at work on the computer whenever I can from 5 PM to 8 PM. Customer hangs up? Bring up stream. Waiting on migration? Bring up stream. Making users in Office 365? Bring up stream (if it's a lot of users lol).

I think it's because I feel like a part of a community there whereas at work and outside of work... I don't have anything. Even if I wanted to seek out someone who wanted a relationship, much less attempting to find people to be friends with, I don't even know how.

That and I am not interesting in the slightest to the a single person on the planet. Sure, I could fake my way into shit but... ugh, it's not even worth entertaining that notion since that's definitely manipulation which I want to stay away from. If a group of friends doesn't like that I basically have nothing going on in my life then I don't think they're the friends for me.

I do entertain the notion of suicide a lot though. I asked on Reddit in a comment if talking to a psychologist about suicidal thoughts (especially after starting these meds) is okay but I've been led to believe that you would basically be immediately carted off to the looney (loony?) bin if you even mentioned that you wanted to pinprick your finger of your own accord, much less off yourself. I can't afford that time off work, and I don't want to be away from my apartment for that long. My computer is basically the only thing I live for now. (I didn't get an answer on the Reddit comment :( )

Maybe I'll order a pizza with money I don't have to cheer myself up. /shrug

I was just thinking Mage is really lucky to have a friend to play games with every weekend and have his own online community. Every time I find someone to play with in a game I get really attached to them and then either they fall off the face of the Earth or they stop playing that specific game and then I just go back to playing whatever on my own again.

Been having a lot of fun with American Truck Simulator though, Euro Truck Sim 2 is pretty good as well but as for environments... it's kind of sucky compared to the environment in American Truck Sim. They should really put out a Euro Truck Sim 3 with better environments. Lack of actual "cities" in the game is terrible too, in both games. Cities are just little spots with like 5 to 10 buildings. That's it. That's not a city -_- but whatever, it's still fun to drive. I just speed through every delivery because I make WAY more money speeding through red lights and stuff per minute than actually going the speed limit lololol.

Okay I'm gon order pizza. Ciao.