Don't understand.

So recently I've been thinking about attraction between men and women... and I don't get it. It's kind of driving me into the ground whenever I think about it more and more.

Like... god I guess so many questions are floating around about that. Obviously it's a chemical effect in the brain upon becoming "attached" via "feelings", which are still all chemical effects happening in the brain, on both sides. But there is no way a 9/10 woman would be sleeping with a 5/10 dude unless he was seriously funny, and even then I'm pretty sure she'd be sleeping around on the side anyway. Nice guys finish last, and all that.

I really just don't understand "attraction" between sexes. Like, at this point if a woman said she was attracted to me and wanted to bang or have a relationship or something, I'd be scared witless, I wouldn't pursue that in any capacity and I'd actually be quite frightened.

Emulating the situation, she'd say something, and my train of thought would immediately be: Is this a joke? If it's not a joke, what does she want from me? There's no way anyone can feasibly like me, my past is proof of that. I can't get involved with anyone or I'll fuck them up. Okay, I'm just going to tell her "Not right now, but I'm flattered".

Of course I'm kind of putting myself on a pedestal here, I'm a fucking potato with legs for christ's sake. Of course none of that would actually happen to me, that shit only happens to good looking dudes.

But I guess I haven't really hit the nail on the head of basically what I'm trying to say here and I probably never will, but why are the sexes attracted to each other? And by sexes here I mean male and female, not some weird attack helicopter shit. Moreover, why are women conditioned to want to shove a dick in? Why are guys programmed to shove that dick in a hole?

I'm probably thinking way too deeply into this, but whenever I do I end up just basically drowning in thoughts for a while about it until I find something else to think about.

This has also come up because I was thinking about my previous relationship (isn't every post like this connected in some way, damn.) and how I didn't really feel anything when I kissed her or was generally close to her sexually. I highly enjoy hugs and stuff with clothes on. I dunno, maybe because she didn't really do anything spontaneously to me? Then again I did kind of discourage that, big oof on my part. The more days that pass the more I think about just hiring an escort or something just to *literally* sleep with me overnight or something to snuggle.

I was also considering mentioning that to my psych, but I don't think it's important. I'm pretty much a sociopath deep down and that would explain the lack of feelings all around during that whole relationship, but am I if I just seek companionship at the least and... well, let's be honest, a wet hole to fuck to relieve myself at a maximum? I do hate wording it like that though since my main problem is not having someone to talk about stuff with and just... have conversations over sex, but still. But I'm pretty sure I'm incapable of genuinely loving someone, so that's kind of how it'd work out I guess.

I'm getting too deep in my head right now, I think I'm gonna go play Death Stranding or zone out listening to Youtube. I... I just want to understand. I just want to see what that feels like, what drives a person to want to be around another person in a romantic way? Agh. I'll never know, and if it happened to me [again], I'd flee for the hills because I don't understand it, and there are way too many things that could ruin my life in it.