The amount of times I've zoned out thinking of just being dead is astounding. Moreover thinking of the effects that I would have on everyone in my life which is absolutely 0 effect besides maybe on my dad since he's the only part of my family I talk to.
Jeez I am thinking about a lot of morose stuff right now, just zoned out thinking about when we went to put Knight down at the vet. Big oof.
I got dressed to go get some soda but I'm sitting here writing and I don't really know why... I skipped an ADHD pill yesterday cause I forgot it and just took my normal one today but tbh, I... really can't tell if the pills are doing anything anymore. Would I notice the effects waning after 1 day of not taking them? Probably not, right? Idk /shrug.
I'm going to the psych again this week and tbh I never have much to say to the guy. Sometimes I do think about doubling up on a dose just to see what would happen since I really want to FOCUS on whatever I'm doing, not... what I currently do which is still do whatever I want at work. For christ's sakes I watch TLM at work on the computer whenever I can from 5 PM to 8 PM. Customer hangs up? Bring up stream. Waiting on migration? Bring up stream. Making users in Office 365? Bring up stream (if it's a lot of users lol).
I think it's because I feel like a part of a community there whereas at work and outside of work... I don't have anything. Even if I wanted to seek out someone who wanted a relationship, much less attempting to find people to be friends with, I don't even know how.
That and I am not interesting in the slightest to the a single person on the planet. Sure, I could fake my way into shit but... ugh, it's not even worth entertaining that notion since that's definitely manipulation which I want to stay away from. If a group of friends doesn't like that I basically have nothing going on in my life then I don't think they're the friends for me.
I do entertain the notion of suicide a lot though. I asked on Reddit in a comment if talking to a psychologist about suicidal thoughts (especially after starting these meds) is okay but I've been led to believe that you would basically be immediately carted off to the looney (loony?) bin if you even mentioned that you wanted to pinprick your finger of your own accord, much less off yourself. I can't afford that time off work, and I don't want to be away from my apartment for that long. My computer is basically the only thing I live for now. (I didn't get an answer on the Reddit comment :( )
Maybe I'll order a pizza with money I don't have to cheer myself up. /shrug
I was just thinking Mage is really lucky to have a friend to play games with every weekend and have his own online community. Every time I find someone to play with in a game I get really attached to them and then either they fall off the face of the Earth or they stop playing that specific game and then I just go back to playing whatever on my own again.
Been having a lot of fun with American Truck Simulator though, Euro Truck Sim 2 is pretty good as well but as for environments... it's kind of sucky compared to the environment in American Truck Sim. They should really put out a Euro Truck Sim 3 with better environments. Lack of actual "cities" in the game is terrible too, in both games. Cities are just little spots with like 5 to 10 buildings. That's it. That's not a city -_- but whatever, it's still fun to drive. I just speed through every delivery because I make WAY more money speeding through red lights and stuff per minute than actually going the speed limit lololol.
Okay I'm gon order pizza. Ciao.
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