A pin on my scooter broke last night. Took a Lyft home, put my scooter in the trunk, and when I took it out the pin holding the handlebars up was gone so it just folded down despite me locking it into place. Today I had to spend $15 dollars because I don't know screw sizes or whatever and I ended up buying the wrong kind, so I looked like an idiot going back into Lowes after I was just in there. And then I had to, during that whole thing, actually OPEN the product to see if it fit, so now there's a bunch of butterfly screws and bolt bags that are just open at Lowes because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS FUCKING SHIT.
Then I found out the day before as well (sunday) that my fucking jeans were ripped. The jeans that Jake helped me out with that were 60 dollars (that I paid him back for, but still). Those were some comfy motherfuckin jeans. And now I have a set of khakis and a pair of... stretchy jeans? They feel stretchy so idk. And the inseam on the left side of the pant leg just constantly rubs against my leg, even when I'm sitting. So I ended up buying a belt (that was the wrong size because I'm a dumbass and didn't pay attention to the actual size on the belt but instead looked at the sizing chart on the back), 2 pairs of pants and I gave 20 dollars to the lyft driver that helps me out, so I ended up spending $80 today which was everything I had in my account, so I gave myself $30 from Earnin.
Then I just went home because I was so fucking mentally exhausted. I played a little of Death Stranding (great game btw holy fuuuuck) and during it I was like "fuck me I gotta go to work man" so I ended up going at 5:30ish and just had ONE long appointment that I had scheduled from 6 PM to 9 PM, turns out I didn't even do any of the prep work for the appointment, PAST ME FUCKING SCREWED FUTURE ME OVER. This guy has been so patient with all the reschedules and I just feel terrible for a lot of these people because their work's not getting done because I can't fucking get it done fast enough god fucking damn it.
I left at 10:30 because I just felt like shit, hit 2 huge rocks on the way home on my scooter, jamming my wrist, and my right arm just has a permanent fucking cramp in it I guess now.
Now I'm home and I'm just waiting for a nuke to land on my apartment just to really fuck me over today.
My boss messaged me at work saying he saw I clocked in and he hoped I was okay, and I thought of that just now as I was throwing away a salad from QT I got a couple days ago that I just picked at, and yknow what, I'm not okay, and I haven't been OKAY for fucking YEARS because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ADULT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUCKING WILLPOWER. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE SELF-CONTROL. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STAY ON TOP OF TASKS. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RIP MYSELF AWAY FROM WHAT I WANT TO DO, AND INSTEAD WASH MY CLOTHES OR CLEAN MY KITCHEN.
Is everyone like this? Is everyone just as unprepared for life as I was? Am? I'll never know because that's not something you can ask someone and get a straight answer on. I still just mentally feel 18 and I hate it, man. I'm almost fucking 30 and I'm just... god-awful at everything. I did forget to buy rope from Lowes though, man. I just... I just need to have it around. To be honest as soon as I get fired I'm just going to do it that day though.
On that topic I was thinking, what the f do suicide hotlines do for people? They let people rant and rave over the phone and then what? Their problems aren't fixed, not by any means, and they're still in the same shit situation they were in an hour ago, or yesterday, or whatever. Venting helps with feelings, but unless you do something about your situation, nothing's gonna change. And to taking my own advice, I say: I need money, thanks.
Good god it's like every regret I've ever had in life is just murdering my brain right now, and now I'm starting to cry and I don't even know why. I'm not even fucking sad damn it. NOTHING HAPPENED
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