Homesick.

So I left Illinois when I was 13. When I didn't have independence. When I only had friends, video games, no stresses and not a care in the world. But it was a very formative time in my life, as all teenage years are. So I spent my teen years in Tucson. I fucking, figuratively and literally, grew up in Tucson. I had my (actual, I guess) first kiss in Tucson. First lay in Tucson. Went to high school in Tucson. Went to the end of middle school in Tucson.

I had a lot of "firsts" in my life in Tucson and god I fucking miss it. I miss being able to walk anywhere and just be able to be OUTSIDE for a reason. Here? Here I can't go outside. Or I can, but why would I? It's fucking THE SUBURBS here. There's NOTHING to do out here. Shit, if I was in Elmhurst I'd be able to fucking at least do SOMETHING, but I'm literally miles from Elmhurst and there ain't jack shit here but a McDonalds and a fucking Dunkin Donuts.

I missed Dunkin Donuts though, fo sho. They closed the last one in Tucson like... years ago. There's like 1 Krispy Kreme in Morana down there lol. And there's a White Castle there too.

Shit, Morana was basically a cooler Tucson... definitely more eh... on the fancy side.

And now everything here is so fancy and shit too. And costs a fucking ton of money, good god. Not to mention the c-virus happening right now (Coronavirus), but that doesn't really affect me to be honest. Besides Floor & Decor not shutting their stores down and still importing product from Italy, Spain, Europe in general and potentially getting me sick, but whatever. As soon as I feel like shit when I wake up it's "I got da c-virus, no work for me for 2 weeks!". 

I miss Tucson. And shit at least I got to hang out with Jake once a month... get outta the house, y'know. Now it's LITERALLY just work -> home -> work -> home over and over and over again. The only person I spend time with is my brother and even then I'm just slowly torching that bridge. I didn't go with him to see The Hunt the other day, which was just a movie about republicans hunting down democrats or something. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hunt_(2020_film)

I thought it was going to be a cool medieval period piece, but (which, as my dad pointed out, is usually the same kind of thing, "politicking" more or less, but I'd rather die in a swordfight than by a bullet. Guns are for pussies.) no, it's just about some "elites" who kidnap some people based on their political views to hunt them.

I don't really care about politics, and I really don't want to watch modern-day people get "killed" in a movie. There's already enough of that I try to shield myself from, much less knowing that there's a movie about killing people for other people's political views. Like, what? I'm already scared to go fucking outside on my own here, I don't need to fucking think about someone coming up and shooting/stabbing me "just because". Like fucking really. And considering the area I live in, it's NOT an absolute impossibility that that shit would happen to me.

I miss Tucson a lot. I miss Jake. I miss my apartment. I miss walking around outside. I miss... I miss a lot of things. Corner Circle Ks. The dry air. The cactuses. The LESS bugs.

I wish I had just never said anything to anyone and just became homeless for a little while. Maybe left a bunch of my stuff in my mom's shed like my PC and stuff.

I've been so fucking depressed living here. Every day I've just been trying to figure out how to kill myself painlessly because I hate my life here. I hate it so much. I was on ADHD meds, I was in IT doing work I loved. Sure, I got to see my dad again for... a week last Christmas. But otherwise it's still the goddamn same. I was just... happier there. Now I can't even afford an apartment here because the fucking cost of living here is fucking expensive. I'm in a job I hate in a living environment I don't like with no friends around me now at all.

I am more alone than I've ever felt in my life, and I just want to end it all. I was okay for a week, but I sleep so much that I miss the one thing that actually brought me joy in my life, watching literally 1 goddamn streamer who streams for 4 hours a day. I can't even do that shit anymore because I SLEEP too much. Even if I go to sleep right when I come home, I just sleep until it's time to go to work again. But if I try to stay up, I get tired, go to sleep, and STILL miss the goddamn stream even if I set like 5 goddamn alarms.

I guess the one good thing in my life again is we're playing D&D again, mage and the group and I, so I'm happy about that. Tbh, I guess it's the only reason I'm still here besides the eh, pain aspect of dying. I don't really wanna stab myself or anything but I guess if it comes down to it, idk. 

Guess I'll go do something... idk what. I do understand why people get drunk now though. I don't appreciate people using it as an escape but... I got drunk the other night and it was the best I've felt since I came here.

Alcoholism might not be too bad, just obliterate my liver and that'll be it fam. That'll be it...