Having the will to goddamn live sucks. If I didn't have that I'd be dead by now. Long dead.
Managed to sneak a box cutter home and was trying to figure out the least painful way to off myself with it. Turns out there isn't really one. So I was researching ways to kill myself non-painfully and came across taking benzos. Turns out that Xanax on the street is way cheaper than I thought it was, like literally $1 for 0.5mg of it, which is a decent amount. I asked my brother if he could get me some and he said he'd be able to get me in touch with some people. $10 or $15 would be enough to kill me for sure, most likely $15.
But then I started thinking about it and (as if I haven't been asking myself this the last week or months or gods know how long), do I really want to off myself? I've lived a hugely sheltered life compared to my brothers, though I guess that doesn't mean jack if we're just talking about "personal experience". But my experiences are my experiences, and my experience is that I am just generally a worthless, manipulative, overbearing, selfish, apathetic, doesn't-care-about-anyone piece of shit human being. My self-loathing hasn't even peaked yet, especially while I've been at work, and it's been... it's been pretty bad. I get pretty deep into my own head most of the time whenever I have time to myself, which is... you guessed it, almost every single hour of every single day fam! So I always have a lot of me on me time in my brain.
I friended Nicole B. on snapchat (I think it was her anyway, idk) and I wanted to shoot her a message, but I just... could not. I overanalyzed the situation and was afraid of the outcome. Of who she was, of who she might remember me being versus me now (fat piece of shit, so yknow). If she would think I was trying to come onto her versus just wanting to reconnect with a friend from the past. So I just unfriended her after having her on my friends list for a week. I also got in touch with Peter Nom again through Joel. Not sure why he was friended to Peter on facebook but we chatted for all of like, 5 minutes. Turns out adulting is fucking boring, who knew? -_-. We both really didn't have much to talk about. I tried looking up Rohit G. as well but I couldn't find hide nor hair of the guy. His looks probably changed a lot too, but whatever I guess. I also tried to remember my friend Daniel's last name, we played Guild Wars together a lot, but I couldn't.
And I kind of blame that on myself. I'm not a person people normally would turn to, to talk to about their problems much less talk about events that happened in their own life, because I can never relate, and they can just... sense the non-charisma oozing out of me like a person-repellant.
Today at work (well, this early morning I guess at 3 AM at work or whatever) Drake and I were flat stacking boxes (basically boxes come on a pallet but in order for customers to interact with the boxes we have to lay them flat on another pallet. We're basically lifting 50-75lb boxes for an hour or two when we do this) and Drake was like "heuahuehue I brought you to Illinois so you wouldn't have to be homeless" and I was literally like "I didn't ask you to bring me here, I could have kept the job I liked and just found another apartment somewhere else and just been homeless for a little while". Which, I could have been.
In Illinois here, if you're homeless you're basically dead unless you're in a major city like Chicago or something. Even then if you don't have a job it's just down to panhandling. I don't even know my way around here, so I'm completely stuck where I am without a car or license or anything.
I keep wanting to just walk out of the house and die somewhere of starvation, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I've never slept on the streets or any of that shit, always had a roof over my head and stuff.
I've literally slept 36 hours in the past 2 days, not to mention sleeping for the majority of the first day as well. My math is probably wrong but whatever.
I don't have anything to live for. No pets, no people. I barely consider anyone in my family anyone to "live for" besides my own dad, and that's only because I know he was fucking shafted by my mom and demonized by her to us. Joke's on her I guess, she demonized herself in the end. I used to think I had new video games coming out to live for, but I don't really know now. Do I wanna play the new Animal Crossing? Heck yes. Cyberpunk 2020? Yep. Elden Ring? Sho' nuff fam. But video games have been far less important to me lately. Everything has. Everything's just kind of taken on a dull sheen and I just want to sit in a chair with my head hanging down and zoning out. Kind of like I did on the ride to work last night, basically.
While I was laying here after work today after coming home at 6 AM I was trying to think about how everything would play out if I died. Of course, there's no way of knowing. Hell, even if I left a will somewhere public like this space, no one would find it, I'd have to find some paper and write it down. Of course it'd be something simple like X item goes to X, etc. I'd write out a specific scenario but I've already cried enough today and I don't feel like doing so more.
How the fuck have I written this much already lol
I haven't been on my computer in two whole days. Not my mac that I'm on right now that I basically just use for writing, but my gaming machine. I basically shut it off about 2 days ago and just never turned it back on. And it's going to stay like that too because if I want to live here, I have to consume as close to 0 resources as I can. I am also just going to quit my job and sleep all day. I appreciate Drake getting me the job, but I really cannot do the work, especially with the other shift being as unruly as they are and it just pisses me the fuck off to the point I almost overturned a cart last night. I can't even remember being that angry in recent memory, which means it's time to stop.
Whether that means it's time to stop living, or time to stop working that job that I dislike, I don't really know.
I tried looking up remote jobs to work as IT/Helpdesk for but I got no hits or anything. I really don't know what to do. My brother moved me out here to a dead end spot for my personal life and I just feel like I'm dead in the water. I'm taken care of, I have a bed, food, a roof, electricity, but all of that came at a cost of a place I like to make a paycheck at, and a town I like to live in, where everything was accessible to me at a short walk away.
Now there's nowhere to shop in this podunk town, Berkeley, much less buy food I want to eat and bring home besides this off brand weird grocery store that only sells Mexican food. Which is fine, I just don't really know what the fuck I'm buying... or just have anything I can take care of myself with within walking distance really. Though I dunno why I'd walk when I have someone who can drive me, but still.
Back to sleep now, I guess. I'd like to turn on my computer or boot my PS4 and play CoD but... meh. Can't use too much electricity. I'm also going to try and pay 2 months of rent up front tonight but I don't even think I'll have enough money to do that.
Also the family friend we're living with is a condescending piece of shit. Yes, I know I'm going to be working a job I hate. Yes, I know I could punch in when Drake does and work extra hours 2 nights a week to "meet my 40 hours". Yes, I know I'm going to have a smaller paycheck. No, I don't want to get a second job. No, I don't want to punch in early, I work 8 hours a day and if I get to work later than that, I don't really give a shit.
I've considered starting to use Earnin again for money but that's literally like "Hmmm I touched a hot stove once before and it hurt but maybe it won't now". It would literally cut one of my legs off if I did that shit again, fml.
Okay, I think that's all for now. To sleep I go. Or to play Summoner's War on my phone, idk. I'd actually really like to go eat, but... gotta be that minimal resource drain which means no eating stuff I didn't buy.
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