- Shaina kissed me
- Shaina made fun of my hair and called it a bird's nest
Now, the one thing that really fucking bothers me is that I can't remember what order that shit happened in. I remember the kiss scene: Our class partnered with the kindergarteners to help them with projects or whatever, and basically as our class filed out of the room, Shaina asked me to stay behind, so I was like, sure, you're a new transfer student and I want to be nice. (She was American, just from a different school). I remember like yesterday though, she was like... early development stages of "girl", so she had the boobs, butt, etc, and I remember just thinking, she looked nice on a normal day ofc.
So anyway, the class filed out of the room and the teacher turned the lights off etc cause we were leaving the room. My friend Peter was waiting on me and I just told him to go hang out in the hall. And we had a little section where we had storytime in the back of the classroom, and I met Shaina back there and she kissed me (to be honest, I don't remember if it was on the cheek or on the lips, but it wouldn't have mattered to third-grade me anyway cause I woulda been like "whatevs" and continued with my day. I still feel that immature most days lol). And literally zilch happened after that. Nada. Zero things.
So fast forward to middle school at Wredling. One day I go to lunch with my buddies and we meet up with our other pals in other classes, and basically we find out Shaina killed herself. And I feel like I've just been struck by a bolt of lightning. She was really pretty, had a group of friends she sat with at lunch and I could only assume she had friends in class as well. I only wish I could have talked to her and helped her or just... something, man. Something. But being me having no balls at the time (and also the fact that the only time I ever saw her was at lunch, when she was sitting with her friends, etc so it was WAY more intimidating to even think about it), but I remember in middle school seeing her a lot at lunch and just wondering why she did that in third grade. I always wanted to ask her, but I never got the chance. Also, she was hot aaaasssss fuuuuuucccckkkk in middle school. She was a bit on the chubby side which may have contributed some self-image issues but that's just my type too, and it even was back then, if you can consider a puberty-ridden boy to have a "type" back then I guess?
And now I'm imagining time travel scenarios where I go back in time and punk myself up for being a little bitch and confronting her about it. Classic me I guess. I'll never know the answer unfortunately.
Oh, also the reason why that bothers me in the beginning of this whole thing is if she made fun of my hair and then kissed me, I feel like she was maybe trying to patch things up by doing that instead of saying sorry, which, third grade me would have appreciated more than a kiss, to be honest.
But if it was the other way around and she kissed me and then made fun of me, I feel like she maybe liked me and then tried to "rid herself of it" by making fun of me in front of the whole class.
Or it could have just been a thing her friends put her up to, which, tbh, is the most likely story, unfortunately, but it's the simplest explanation and the one I have to choose to believe, since girls are cruel at that age and infinitesimally beyond that into aging as well unfortunately.
Also, now if my hair does a bird's nest thing, I don't give two flying fucks, since I usually wear a hat, but also, who the fuck cares, jesus. To be honest I'm more concerned over dandruff, ugh. Can't get this shit to GO TF AWAY PLS AHHH.
Anyway, I was trying to go to sleep and that was floating around my head so I decided to blog about it in hopes of figuring it out maybe like I sometimes do with my issues and blogging but this... will forever be a stumper because she's gone.
Okay, nyquil's kicking in, buh bye felicia
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