y tho

So I haven't thought about hales in a while much less had a dream about her in quite some time. And last night was like my brain was trying to say "hey don't forget ABOUT THIS OLD WOUND YOU HAVE, LEMME RIP A MACHETE THROUGH IT TO OPEN IT AGAIN" -_-. Is it because I never read her last email to me? Probably. No closure, y'know. That's what I think, anyway. But I'd rather it have been left that way.

There won't be a lot of information on the dream besides the ending, unfortunately.

The dream started with me living in GA in my own house. It was a nice, small house. Fast forward a bit and all of a sudden she's there with me in the house.

I want to mention that at this point in time, I don't remember what she looks like unless I think REALLY hard. So in the dream she was kind of faceless with just a mouth to speak, but in the dream as well I knew it was her, one of those weird dream things I guess.

We have a great time in the house over the course of a year, again. Nothing seems amiss.

Then one day I notice her texting on her phone, which I had noticed for a week beforehand, but it kind of ramped up to this. A LOT. I mean glued to that shit all day, 1 word answers to me, ignoring me, etc. So (and this is how I know I still am a manipulative fuck that really should not interact with women anymore) I freak out and grab her phone, saying this is exactly what happened last time, how could she do this, etc. And she starts trying to get it back from me, saying she's just helping a friend on Steam to get it set up. But I know better. And I finally get separated from her and am able to log into eh, some kind of IM client on the phone, but it logs in with another account instead of the one she was using.

She says as much. And then it goes black. Like, I have no idea if I was knocked out or not, all I know is I woke up later on the floor.

So I call Drake over to help me (since I apparently still don't have a car in this dream, nor know how to drive. Y my dreams gotta be so realistic) (also, I must be getting pretty close with Drake, cause I wouldn't think my brain would turn to him in my time of need. Jacob? Yeah. Literally anyone else on the planet? Prolly. Maybe it's because I know he'll just drive me anywhere I need to go. That's the explanation I'm going with without explaining any background right now) and we talk for a while and I tell him what happened, and he says let's walk around the neighborhood to find her and then if we can't, we'll get in the car and try and find her walking. I say okay. So we go out and start walking and just chatting while I'm keeping an eye peeled. And we get to this intersection (it's a suburban area so there's just houses all around and people out, etc) and I'm looking down the street, and she comes out of a house with a bunch of idiot "skater boi" looking guys, and Joel, which I was like "the fuq?" Joel waves to me, smiling, and I exaggerate a shrug so he can see it, and I point to her. And I see his face make the connection like "Oh shit, I knew I knew her from somewhere" and I race over to her to start yelling at her, saying she hasn't changed, etc, whatever.

And then I tried to keep the dream playing out, but I woke up, because as much as I'd like to unleash the fury in dream form, I can't. I'm just so tired of the whole debacle, charade, whatever you want to call it.

I'm so tired of thinking about women, past women, future women I want to or might be with. I'm tired of wanting friends, of wanting a social life besides the 4 hours a day I'm in a stream where I get to talk to people in a chat. But I don't want to go out and meet new people because in the end, all anyone can afford to care about is themselves, and I just don't want to deal with that.

But I can't. I'm just boring. I don't do anything, I don't look good, I don't even READ interesting things for the gods' sakes. I read about people inside VRMMORPG video games (LitRPG). I can't even remember details from the goddamn books I'm just so moment to moment in them, so I couldn't talk about them even if I wanted to, and I've read a good 200+ of them by now, if not more.

I literally am just so done having any experiences like the one I had and the one I continue to have in life. Shit, even the other day (I think I posted about it? Idk) I just had a dream where I just lived a normal happy life with Nicole. Do you even know how long it's been since I thought about her? Fuckin more than 14 years cause I dropped that shit like a sack of hot potatoes after I went to Wredling. Ain't no girl stealing my winter hats no mo', HELL YES. And just being annoying, ugh. It's sad that's the impression that was left on me, but, meh.

Also, I'm quarantined for two weeks. No work. Whooooo. Doctor wouldn't test me for COVID, but they said I had an "unknown upper respiratory infection", so they didn't even diagnose it as bronchitis.

Also, how does NOT testing a younger person with mild COVID symptoms make sense over "testing" someone with SEVERE COVID symptoms? You can blatantly see they have COVID, so why are we not testing people who have mild "general flu" symptoms instead though? -_- it makes no sense. I could be spreading COVID right now and aint shit I could do about it because they decided not to test me.

Basically just waiting to suffocate in my sleep so my ghost can haunt the doctor for all eternity saying "I told you so..." over and over again all day erry day lol. But, breathing is fine, I just have a lot of nausea after I eat and a mild cough, and sometimes a pain in my chest, so I went and got my heart checked too, and everything seems to be fine with that, so I just have water in my legs for no reason. Okay.

-_- I can't tell if healthcare providers just don't listen or just don't address everything I bring up. Whatever. sips pepsi Won't be my problem when that shit eventually comes back on them. I did get a recommendation for a GP though, which is nice.

Okay, back to Animal Crossing I guess. And animu on Netflix.