reddit poasts

I think about this all the time when I'm in the car with my dad, he always drives and I'm like "I could just pull the wheel over and end both of us in a ditch right now".

Every single car ride. Both of our existences are not great IMO. He lives on SSDI (disability) and 20 hours a week working at a shop cleaning up after dudes working on trailers (because they apparently can't clean up after themselves which is the only reason his boss gave him this "job") and I lay about all day working from home in a "support center" 8 hours a day 40 hours a week. 

My dad is also deaf and we live basically in the Georgia forests so options around here are pretty limited for him since he wants to stay on SSDI.

I have no IRL friends and my online friends are fake as all fuck to me due to my autism and no reason to live besides waiting for cool video games to come out so I can escape into them for 48 hours every weekend before I have to go back to work.

Right now I'm trying to save up for a macbook to have an environment to study coding away from my main computer because my autism/adhd (primarily inattentive) prevents me from studying at my computer but having to cover bills and rent and buy food for us is hard to save up anything with.

burning a hole in my brain

 So most everyone has something that their parents did to them that affects them adversely for the rest of their lives in some way, even if they don't realize it later.

I was sitting at work (wfh) and I was just thinking about this fact, and one moment in time happened when I was living with my grandmother at her house during the ages of 10 to 13. (so like, early 2000s?) I had gotten an email from my mom that redirected to a website showing a page with numbers like those colorblind tests with the numbers made out of bubbles and such.

So I start doing the "test" and my dad is behind me watching me, and I answer one of the questions with a number, and then the computer speakers fucking explode with a scream and a scary face appears on the screen. 

At the time I obviously didn't know I was autistic, so the extremely loud noise scared me more than the stupid face.

And that was the beginning of why I never trusted my mom again. 

Oh, and my hate of screamers/loud "horror" noises, which is why I wrote this lol.

weird dream

 15 mins before work let's make it count

So I had a weird ass dream where I was... in the harry potter universe? And (as cringe as it sounds) I think I was hanging out with the normal "hp crew" i.e. harry, ron, hermione, etc, but ron's sister (ginny? idr) was there too and I just remember her and I were in some kind of relationship? But I am pretty sure it wasn't ginny, it was someone else, but I don't remember who it was. I don't think they were part of the HP universe.

Anyway so the part I remember is me and the girl are in a field and my view is like... third person? and then at some point it was first person but we were just making out, groping each other etc whatever. And then all of a sudden I pull her away from me, look at her eyes, and tell her to go tell... me she loves me. I am with the group of friends walking in the field but also with her right now. It was weird.

So we hugged and kissed and then she left and I went *poof* and... then nothing. And then I woke up.

This weird dream brought to you by sleep deprivation DUE TO NOT BEING COMFY ENOUGH TO SLEEP AAAAAAGHHHHH

Also this dream was weird for me because while I did like harry potter as a kid, I wasn't a huge fan of the universe or anything the books were in, they were just good books. So... yeah this one was a little weird for me to say the least.

Empathy as someone with autism

 So my grandmother's sister (Janet) died today of a heart attack and I made dinner for my nan, me, my dad and my uncle who was here to comfort her. I found out while on a break from work. I asked if there was anything I could do and she said I could make dinner tonight. So I called in for 6:30PM EST and I made lemon chicken with pasta.

My uncle played phase 10 with my nan and my dad while I was at work (WFH) and cooking too. I put a little too much lemon pepper in but they all said it was good. (It was not, it was palatable at best lol)

Then when we were all going to bed my nan and I were talking and she just looked so tired and I didn't say as much but I went over and gave her a hug and she said thanks, and that I almost made her start crying again.

So here's the autism in my brain asking "do... do I ask her if she wants to hug me and cry for a little? what do I do here?" so I actually asked and we hugged and she cried for a little. I didn't know her sister that well, I met her a couple times as a kid, she was cool. But I can't imagine what it's like to lose a sibling. Like when my brothers die I'm probably gonna be a wreck, provided I'm even still around (unlikely) to see it. It does seem like hugs helped a bit though. She's been through a lot since my pops (grandpa) died, but she just does some dumb stuff sometimes. Like the other day she was standing there with the back door open and then complaining about two flies in the house. Like bruh don't open the door and there won't be flies, simple. I dunno. She's weird lol.

But I literally have no idea what to do for her. I can clean, cook, do the stuff she normally does, but I have zero idea what to do or what to say lol. At least I have the next 3 days off to help her out from work.

Why the fuck are neurotypicals like this

Sorry for the long post, the entire situation needs explaining to understand the situation instead of just a "hurrdurr NTs are weird" post.

Names changed for privacy

Ron = 1 member of crew

Jack = another member of crew

Me = Me

So I'm part of a small streaming group on twitch that plays stuff on a singular channel across 5 people. Tonight one of the members was going to be late so I decided to stream Phasmophobia since we had agreed on it earlier. The late member said he was going to be available to play at 9. All is well, he can drop in or whatever. So I start up at the usual stream time (for me 8 EST) and I'm like "bro where is Ron? He said he was gonna play..." on stream. I also threw in how I didn't understand neurotypicals but no one in the audience got it or understood.

So Ron says in discord what I just said about "not understanding people" and he's just in a foul mood the entire time. Apparently this is "badmouthing the stream".

Also, Ron apparently has a large problem with me playing video games in the crew, so I'm not really sure why I was invited to start this group venture. I love these guys to death but fugg me if I can't navigate their brains, especially Ron's. The dude is so confusing.

He says "I thought we were going to start at 9". Remember this point. I say on stream "How does Jack getting home at 9 mean we're gonna start at 9? Please explain." And he did not.

Point from above: So in previous weeks Ron stated that he "didn't want to wait for "us" (meaning me I guess in this case since he freely plays video games with other members and gets along fine with them) someone to be available to play video games, he just wants to play them with select people" and I get that much, but he had someone else from the group playing with him and his friend in a game, so... I thought that was something he knew I had interest in and would also like to play, but apparently not, I guess, despite playing with him and his friend in that game's beta many times previously and obviously having fun in it. So I asked him why he didn't invite me to play with him and his friend and our other group member (when I was basically available 24/7) and he said the above.

So it's very obvious that A. He definitely favors other people in the group, and B. I am an outlier in this case and every single goddamn case ever with this guy.

It happens all the time. Ignored in chat when he's streaming, ignored in game by everyone else, but never to the extent that Ron goes out of his way to. Like what the shit.

Tonight during Phasmophobia I spent 10 minutes trying to get someone to hold a UV light to the door so I could take a picture of the goddamn ghost handprint that was on the door that he specifically said was not there when I said there was a handprint on the door. Also when I died twice guess who was immediately chatty as fuck in those games after I died? Ron.

We play EDF on specific days of the week for co-op days and GUESS WHO'S THE LAST ONE ALWAYS RESSURECTED IF 2+ OF US DIE? THIS GUY. Much less any other talking I might get to do during the stream.

The last time we played EDF I was completely silent and just went to browsing reddit when I died. No point telling em if I'm fuckin' dead if they don't care. I am literally ALWAYS the one flying around and resurrecting them when they die. All the time. Zero thank yous or just begrudging-toned ones. Like really bro you're the one streaming and I'm here saving your ass so people in chat don't gotta fuckin watch you TANK THE FLOOR. I do understand it's hard to get around in EDF sometimes but when you watch 2 of them run past you when you're dead and don't say a word multiple times, like... cmon man. Cmon.

Dude I'm so fucking sick of being disregarded and being "lower on the totem pole" than everyone else in every group I'm ever in. And then in discord instead of pointing the finger at me he tries to make it a "team announcement" to not badmouth the stream on stream. Like bruh no I'll air the dirty laundry because it's YOU who didn't make sense in the first place! I admitted to doing the thing and asked again how that made sense. And then after the stream he STILL tried to make it a team announcement instead of just saying "Setari, please do not do the thing you did and come to me about it instead". Nah man. These people don't know just how sick of this shit I am and I'm tired of KEEPING IT BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. I ain't DOIN THAT SHIT ANYMORE.

It is very obvious in every game we play that Ron dislikes me being there lol. Even when we just play stuff together without anyone else, like we played a 2 person co-op game and it's like... mentally rubbing two pieces of super rough sandpaper together. No conversation, nothing, very forced if it does happen (from Ron's side). But have one of the other people pop in and all of a sudden it's a grand old time for him and the other guy while I struggle to get a word in edgewise sometimes, like I'm treated like a fucking kid... just like everyone else treats me.

I'm fucking 30 for god's sake. Yeah I fucking sound like a 16 year old over mic, fucking deal with it. I'm an adult and on an equal playing field with everyone else, dammit.

Thanks for coming to my crappy TED talk.

Death & Decay

 So I got a Ball Python in June I think? And spent a lot of time researching how to feed it, etc. I named him Nyet. He was a really chill ball python and really nice and cute. 

Cue me not being able to keep up with taking care of anything.

Last week my nan noticed Nyet was really active and thought he was hungry and I was like "he's fine" and went back to gaming. I had fed him that Wednesday. 

The next day I thought he might actually be hungry since I had gone a long period of time without feeding him previously due to the fact that ball pythons don't like to eat their food off the ground, apparently, so I had to dance a mouse around with some tongs. He ate well the first 2 times but this time he didn't eat. And I was like "fuck, wasted dad's money now cause I can't re-freeze this stupid mouse". And I glanced at his water bowl and it was empty and I was like "I'll fill it later". 

I didn't refill it later. Turns out that he was looking for water and finding none when he was super active. The next day I went to fill the bowl because I was suddenly reminded of it by my shitty brain and went to fill it and he was sitting in the water bowl. I poured water in and he didn't react. I picked him up and he felt really stiff. It's just burned into my head that he was just sitting in his bowl wanting water, man. I'm just bawling my eyes out right now just thinking about it. He was just curled up, dying... and then he died.

That's when I knew he was dead, when I picked him up. His eyes were caved in from dehydration. I can see it clear as day in my mind's eye. 

It was late at night but my dad had just used the restroom and I told him the snake was dead, he gave me a ziplock baggie to put him in for the night and today I just... tossed him over the fence in the backyard into the wild grass and stuff that's behind the house. I wanted to bury him but my dad wouldn't let me.

Fuckin autism/adhd. If I didn't feel like I had zero time to do anything I am sure I would have taken the two goddamn seconds out of my fucking day to give him water.

I was thinking about how I felt when I was trying to die, when I didn't eat or drink anything for 2 days last year and it was the fuckin worst. 

All he knew was that he needed water... and there was none to be found.

Good god imagine if I had a fuckin kid. Christ almighty.

I'm going to get another snake when I can afford one though. Take better care of it next time. My dad asked me today when I was going to get another one, and I told him when I could afford it.

All he wanted was some FUCKING WATER man. Fuck. I'm such an idiot. A living goddamn thing died because of my negligence. God dammit. God damn it all to hell.

advent of autism

 With me finding out I am Autistic/ADHD, it's come with a lot of drawbacks and virtually nothing good. I've withdrawn into myself, tend to not talk to people a lot more, and even some autistic traits frequently come to the surface more often than a couple years ago. 

One of these traits is absolutely hating the sound of other people chewing. Smacking mouths, chewing with ya goddamn mouth open, I don't care. I fuckin hate anything related to "mouth noise when food is in mouth". It's so fucking annoying living with 2 older people who just fuckin smack away when they eat.

Now anytime I try to have a snack or eat I have to eat really fucking fast before my nan comes in and tries to eat with me at the table. I've already told her I very much dislike eating around people and I would prefer eating on my own and she still tries to prep food to eat with me.

Listen. One meal a fucking day (dinner) is enough to listen to two fucking mouths chewing much less one. Goddamn I fucking hate it. UGGGGGH

fml

 Tired of working jobs I don't enjoy, and tired of having autism/adhd so that I can't study things I do enjoy because work = paycheck and if I'm making a paycheck my offtime means video games and youtube instead of studying.

I'm also a huge burden to my family and just wish I'd die in my sleep or something every night. None of my "friends" communicate with me a lot as they have other people they talk to and I'm pretty low on the totem pole for them but they're always my highest priority. I wish I had someone who prioritized me like I prioritize them. I'm tired of being treated like a retard and I'm tired of being alone. I want a clique of friends and I'm fucking tired of being pitied and I don't know what the fuck to do about it.

I moved in with my nan and my dad and literally every night I realize I have not talked to anyone else in person that's my age for a couple years and it's just me all the way down and I hate it man. It's been years since I've been around people IRL much less people that enjoyed being around me like in high school, people who actively sought me out. Now it's just depression and being alone in my head 24/7. Ofc I wouldn't seek this out rn cause corona but just... fuck dude. I just want someone to make me feel like I'm entertaining them and I want to feel wanted. I hate that I'm boring as fuck and uninteresting but that's what happens when you have no money to experience anything in the first place I guess.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/n6vgac/how_tired_are_you/

Dreamsssssss

 Had another dream, I usually don't have reoccurring dreams but this one has occurred twice with different outcomes.

The first time me, drake, joel, krissy and jake were in my mom's trailer but the trailer was in the middle of an asphalt parking lot area with no fence or anything. There was a forest way off in the distance and apparently some nights you could see some glowing red eyes, just one set of eyes, from the forest, and when you did, apparently that meant whatever it was was going to try and break into the trailer. It hadn't so far but it was only a matter of time. Jake said it was probably a mountain lion or something.

The first time I had the dream we stayed inside and were scared of what was happening outside: lotta growling, bumping the trailer, roaring, but it didn't break the trailer or anything the next day when we went and inspected the damage, then I woke up.

Today's dream was worse, we saw the eyes and I distinctly remember seeing them as soon as I looked, instead of having to search the woods for them from the window like in the previous dream. Just absolutely ruby red eyes shining in the darkness. As soon as I saw them I closed the curtain and was like "yep that thing is out there again" and we went about our business until "rampage time". But this time I wanted to actually see what it was since we couldn't see it from the windows so we all went outside (also krissy in this dream was like... super short like a toddler? no idea.) and then I shooed everyone back inside, me as well.

And then we opened the front curtains again and there was a gigantic like ford f-150 truck in front of the house and we saw a bear with like black, matted fur like it was diseased or something in spots, trying to mess up the front of the truck. And we're all like 'wat?' like this bear was 8 feet tall standing on 4 legs, not hind legs. It was huge.

So we went outside again to look at it (instead of just leaving the curtains where they were and it ended up having left the truck so we didn't know where it went. So we rounded the corner to the long part of the trailer and I see the bear, and I'm like "ppsssffttthphphph go back, go back" to everyone else, but it was too late, the bear saw me.

And then the slow-motion started.

The bear barreled toward me (haha bearreled haha) as I turned around and pushed everyone back and we all ran for the door. I grabbed krissy's hand since she was small and tried to heave her up in front of me to carry her, but she tripped and I didn't want to yank her arm and cause an injury, but she fell to the ground (somehow?). Jake saw and ran back to us and at this point the bear was rounding the corner and was almost on us and he helped her get up into my arms and I moved away as fast as possible, turned and I just hear a loud swipe, fabric tearing and heard bones crack as I assume the bear swiped at jake and got a direct hit and all I could think was "that should have been me"

Then I woke up.

Pleasant start to my day I guess what with this wisdom tooth being a bitch too.

Really sick and tired of "friends"

 Reaaaally sick and tired of me buying stuff for people and they instantly disregard me to play with them in co-op games I buy them.

I bought mage and phantom Eco (and me a copy) which was $90 friggin dollars and they went hard on it for approximately a month and played more than me on it because I didn't know they were playing, because they didn't tell me. So fine, I had to keep up with that. Now they're done with the game (frankly we all got about 50 hours out of it, so worth I guess)

Then I bought Storm and Mage Valheim and guess who was let into the server first? NOT THE GUY THAT BOUGHT THEM THE DAMN GAME. And mage was complaining "oh just wait so we can figure out the game" meanwhile phantom is building a damn hut and knows all the mechanics already. Bro I BOUGHT YOU TWO THE FUCKING GAME JUST FUCKING INVITE ME. I'm so fucking pissed at being taken for granted and advantage of, and it sucks.

And now they're playing stuff that I FOR SURE do not have or want to play to keep me out of playing with them.

I'm basically alone again. ebiggz has stopped coming to my streams basically. Basically everyone has. It's impossible to make a community myself as a personality-less person, and I've been this way too long to change. To fake a personality is impossible for me, mentally. It's too much mental work.

Also ebiggz and emily, his gf, play Valheim too. And I asked him if I could play with him and Emily on their server. And he said it was just him and her playing, so I was like, okay, that's cool. A day later or so I find out they're playing on a 10 person server with 10 people. Do people just not care about slapping me in the fucking face over and over again with this shit?

I really don't know. Yes I know I'm boring to interact with. It's not my fault I use PTT on discord so I don't annoy people with my constant coughing and talking to myself. Thanks autism.

Yes I know my talking sucks and I'm gradually evolving a stutter again basically (bad with vowels, anything starting with a, e, i, o, u, a lot of other words, especially if I haven't been talking for a while). 

It doesn't help I sound like a fucking 16 year old still and probably will forever at this rate.

A lot of days I do wish that someone would just shoot me so I could be done with this burdensome life. Burdensome to other people mostly. But that won't ever happen unfortunately and I'm too scared to do anything myself so I'll just keep living myself I guess.

I've stalled on JS studying because I just get bored after 1 lesson even though I can't build anything yet, but I want to.

I start working from home tomorrow. I'm just thankful my dad doesn't have to drive me to work anymore or from work anymore since I could tell it was a massive inconvenience for him. 

People seem to have an... indifference or ignorance of autistic people as well I've noticed IRL. Like the possibility doesn't exist that a lot of people were sheltered via video games and not being able to go out and experience the world growing up. It's very annoying to have people think it's "fake".

I dunno I'm just waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in now but I ate before I took them so it's probably gonna be a while, ugh.

Being a retarded adult sucks.

 Excuse the following ten-page book lol

I literally buy them stuff and they legitimately leave me out of the games I buy them to co-op with me in. Don't DM me on discord saying "hey we're playing the thing you bought us come play". No communication, they just fuck off with the stuff I bought them for us to all play together. I bought Eco and Valheim for 2 people + me. That's a lot of money to drop on people. Eco was $30 a pop (so 90 bucks total) and Valheim was $20 a pop ($60 total).

I stream (or, try to, lately I've just been very depressed, I keep trying but it's very hard to do right now for me seeing all my other "friends" pull everyone from the friend group to watch them and I don't pull barely anyone to watch me stream) and only 1 person tends to "attempt" to interact with me half-heartedly, I feel like. This person also makes a decent chunk of change and tends to drop a decent bit in Bits on Twitch at me + gift subs etc, (maybe $100 every 3 or so months) which, really only makes me feel worse that someone feels like they have to do that lol. I'm probably looking at it the wrong way. He even bought me two games recently and told me he wanted to see me play them, but like... really though? I just feel like everyone I interact with lies through gritted teeth to interact with me. I know he means well though but at the same time, I feel how I feel.

I'm not a social person and it is very hard for me to understand people (read: social cues) and a lot of people treat me like I'm mentally slow and retarded for some reason, like a small child. (I guess autism/adhd will do this? Not sure.)

I don't understand it but it apparently puts people off enough to not want to hang out with me. I guess it doesn't help I'm almost 30 and sound like a 16-year old on Discord too. I do have a little bit of a speech problem that seems to get worse by the day I feel like sometimes (trouble saying vowels) but it's not that bad, but I also hate it, it's evolving into a stutter.

I'm not the most charismatic person but GEE WHIZ if someone spends $60 out of their very meager bank account to spend time with you over the internet at least invite them to play or play the game more than once with them. And they know I'm poor as fuck lol.

I guess it doesn't help the "main" figure in the group (read: streamer community) is the streamer and I generally have trouble discerning whether or not these people are my friends or just part of the group. I always feel very left out when I see them play co-op stuff together with other members in the community and stay up with them into the wee hours way longer than when I'm playing with the group, and I absolutely know it's because of me.

i.e. recently I bought 2 friends and I Valheim, and we played one saturday together with a couple other people and we were on discord and stuff. (1. they never touched the game again because I have it and instantly sought out other games to play on co-op nights, specifically stuff I do not own) I asked another friend who had valheim if he wanted to play with me and he said him and his gf are just playing together rn. I said okay. I find out today he's playing with 10+ people with his gf on another server, guess who didn't get invited.

I don't talk a lot, I'm very logical and I try to be "loose" when I'm hanging with them online but I also try to keep it formal at the same time, but I don't really say much, again. Since moving twice in the past two years I've tried to "re-invent" myself and create new personalities for me to "be" but because of my autism/adhd it's impossible to do with the group & IRL. I'm hoping with this new job I'll be able to afford therapy but we'll see.

I was brought up very badly, with my mom always buying my brothers and I stuff because we wanted it and she didn't really know how to discipline or say no, besides literally abusing us whenever she was mad so we'd have to just take it and then we'd just get "apology items" afterward. So we were all brought up on "stuff = I care about you" kind of thing. Hard to explain, I guess, but you get it. I also found out fairly recently from my dad that my mom and him suspected I had a learning disability growing up and decided not to get it treated or looked at, at all. Really bit me in the fucking ass.

But that has absolutely effed me socially because now I feel like in order to get people to interact with me, I have to buy them things, and I don't know any other way around it. I know ways around it exist, but it is extremely hard for me to fathom doing it much less actually doing it, because I can't plan ways to do it/ legitimately don't know how.

All I want is someone to enjoy hanging out with me but I am a very boring person, so that's probably why no one does. I wish I didn't feel like dropping massive amounts of money on people only for them to discard the stuff I buy them and my feelings like empty fast food wrappers. My best friend basically cut contact with me because he has a family now so I just feel like I have literally nobody.

I feel like I have to post shit like this every month because something always happens I'm excluded from in the group no matter how much I try to integrate myself with them. I have 0 special skills and am not a deep voiced male, or a woman so apparently that means I'm not worth it to include in any activity ever.

Being an apparently retarded adult sucks.

Moved to Georgia, and a dream I had

 Went to a convention

Stole stuff

Lost my hat

Barely escaped the convention. I only stole like... a bunch of fancy pens and pencils lol. Not even $20 total.

For some reason I recognized the areas I was running through from either another dream or IRL, I'm not sure. I know I've never been to an ampitheatre but I recognized it immediately as I fled through it and went up and went down the other side (dropped down). Also escaping random office personnel was like a boss battle every time with different mechanics. It was weird.

Before I had escaped the convention I saw a girl running and trying to leave as well, and my thought at the time was "she prolly stole stuff lol". But I ended up running past her as she tried to climb up onto the walkway where I was at, and I was like "fuck, I should have helped her up"

She ended up catching up with me and we started talking while running, . Brown-blondeish top of the shoulder length hair, good figure, some tiddies, don't remember her face, but I know she was pretty at least. As soon as she caught up to me I said, "Sorry I didn't help you up, adrenaline, yknow" and she was like "definitely", and I just grabbed her hand and intertwined my fingers with hers and we ran like that for a little bit, all the way to a bus stop a short distance away. She was dressed in pretty much "goth big tiddy gf" clothes, all black, skirt, only the hair wasn't black, which still looked good on her. But (had to look this up, idk if it's the right term) oversized fishnet on the legs and across the chest wearing a shirt with a cleavage window + a small leather vest and if I remember correctly, some tall boots.

Tbh not my actual preference, but gotta take tiddies where you can get em, and she was pretty. Just not my personal clothing preference at this time. Prefer sweaters/jeans/normal shoes.

I think this was in NYC, which I have also never been to, so lol. Then we accidentally almost got on a wrong bus headed toward the convention, she said "subway!" and pointed to a subway entrance. So we went down and...

I woke up.

Weird dream. Satisfying to almost feel a girl's touch like it was IRL though. But those "feels like IRL" dreams don't really happen to me anymore. 

I also moved to Georgia with my dad and nan. Haley taking up space in my head without paying rent a little more these days but it'll go away once I start work on monday hopefully. It's been a nice little vaycay without working lemme tell ya. I start sorting clothes at goodwill on Monday. Still working on Javascript, just started The Odin Project and realized I forgot how to HTML... welp.