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I wanted to type this over saying it, I guess to give myself a chance to collect my thoughts and put them in a way that makes sense. Oddly enough, I feel like I'm just as hesitant to type these words as I am to say them. It's hard and I'm sorry it took so long to get it all typed up, I've just been thinking about it for quite some time and I really just wanted to take everything that I could into consideration.
I've thought about it a lot and I don't think we should get back together. As sad as it makes me to say that, I think it's for the best.
When you first told me that you were thinking of breaking up I felt a lot of things- I felt upset, I felt scared, I felt confused, I felt worried. It seemed very sudden. I know you had glossed over some things that annoyed you and I know my not going places was a huge factor with all of that. For those few months that you were angry with me and got upset at me for every little thing, it was hard. Being around you was like being in a lion pit. I felt like I had to constantly walk on egg shells and I felt...relief when you went to work because I felt like I could relax because when you were home I only felt tense- like I was going to do something to make you angry or bother you at any second. And anytime you were on angry, through no fault of your own I want to add, it put me on edge. I know during that time tensions were high and your temper was so short, the smallest thing would set you off and an entire day would be ruined in your eyes. During those months I was either on edge for fear of making you upset or I was upset because you were upset. And that wasn't your fault, it was my fault for being sensitive I suppose. But either way, it made those months fairly miserable. Miserable because of the reasons I explained but also because I felt like I wasn't good enough for you- like I couldn't do anything right or anything to make you happy. You never seemed happy around me and I dunno maybe that added to why I felt like I couldn't make you happy. Those few months gave me such mixed feelings towards you...it was strange.
Not to say that those months weren't bad for you. I know I was being extremely lazy and I know you were feeling unappreciated. On top of all that because of how I felt, I was being distant and I'm sure that made you unhappy along with my anxiety and not going places with you or helping you carry stuff home when you went food shopping. I know you probably felt like you had all the responsibility and that I wasn't doing anything and I can't say I'm sorry enough for making you feel that way. I wasn't in a good place mentally and you didn't deserve to be treated that way no matter how I felt at the time. I could've done a lot of things better/differently.
When you first told me those months ago that you thought about breaking up, I prepared myself for the worst. I can't even began to tell you how many times I braced myself for you to come home and finally just say it one day- how many times I cried because I knew that it was coming. When you told me almost two months ago that you wanted to break up/be in limbo, I don't know. I was expecting it for so long that I can say I wasn't too surprised. It was upsetting but I knew that it was going to happen sooner or later. During the limbo/break, you've said you've wanted to break up twice and I know you've changed your mind and you've said you didn't mean it, but I can't just dismiss the multiple times that you've told me you wanted to break up, whether or not they were impulsive- I just feel like you wouldn't have wanted to so many times unless you had a valid reason.
I think that I don't make you happy anymore but I think you feel comfortable around me, which isn't a bad thing. I feel comfortable around you too, however I think it's wrong to stay with someone sheerly because you are comfortable around them. I care a lot about you and I want you to be happy and I think this would make you happy- to be able to move on and not be stuck in limbo and left unsure. To be able to find someone else that is able to make you happy or even to work on yourself and things you want to do.
This makes me extremely sad to say this or think it. We've been together for quite some time now and being around you has become just...normal. It's hard to imagine anything else. In the end though, I feel like we both changed a lot and I feel like over time my anxiety became more and more of a problem. I think it was just a case of becoming incompatible over time, which happens sometimes and I think it's a normal thing considering how young we were.
In the end, no matter what, I still care a lot about you and I guess as long as it's okay with you I'd still like to talk with you and remain friends. I get it if you'd rather not, at least not for awhile anyway. But either way, I'll still be here for you if you want someone to talk to and I do hope that you will talk to me/vent, whatever you need, because despite everything you're still a good person and I still want you to be happy- that hasn't changed. I still would trust you with my life and I still consider you a close person.
This was a lot longer and I'm still salty that the power went out and I tried my best to write what I had from memory. There seems to be so much more I want to say to you but I know you want me to send it now so I'm going to send it even though it kinda feels like a work in progress.
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