Women, I just don't understand.

I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settles around us

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

If you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

Courier for this one, gents and ladies. Adding some snowballing thoughts from the original journal entry. This song came on at work today and I hadn't heard it in a while, by the way. I thought it was extremely relevant right now because I would give my soul to get what I had back with her. To further our relationship, to better it, to help her and me to greater heights.

It's over now. I have no one to talk to about this and nowhere to go besides my apartment. Nobody cared about me like she did and now nobody cares about me at all.

But she has a family that loves her and a, I hope, now-boyfriend even if he's LDR that loves her as well.

She was my entire world, but I'm only a speck of dust in hers.

1/30/17
1:30AM

I can still remember our last hug. Her warmth, her arms around me, my arms around her. I can still smell her shampoo on her. Her fruity Juicy Fruit deodorant I would smell all the time when I hugged her or laid with her in bed. I can feel her arms around me if I really concentrate.


I... I don't know if I want to remember this. I cherished that hug at the time. I vowed to remember it forever it forever, because I knew she would never come back to me. I... I wouldn't turn her away if she wanted to come back. But I... I just feel like I went through what she did with me in the space of a few weeks what she got 3 months/years to work through, also talking to someone about it and working through it with someone. All I got was trying to blow off my problems which was not helping me at the time instead of talking to her like a real person. Or dragging her to an actual psychiatrist and actually getting her help like I always said I would instead of spending money on video games and food all the time like a fucking idiot. And we were broken up, not even together. There was no reason for me to care at that point. I just... I wish she would have forced it down my throat at the time I talked to my ex that THAT was my second chance if I wanted to actually use it on something dumb like that. I wish she would have drilled it into me. I wish it was like baseball where it was 3 chances instead of two. She can stick to that but can't stick to not schlicking while a man that still loves her is in the house, to another guy.

I don't get women. They don't make sense at all to me. You don't care about the guy that has a dick that could pleasure you better than you rubbing yourself off of some guy's voice on the internet.

I should say, you didn't care enough to care that I was here to do that shit stuff on the internet with a random fu guy on the internet, so why would you care about having sex with me? You obviously were just trying to get off, and you didn't care that I was here so... why not just use the dick that's here for your own selfish needs? So... just... what? Like, it makes no sense.

I'm not mad, but this will always befuddle me. I will try for the rest of my life to understand this. It is said that Einstein once tried to devote his life to understanding women. He switched subjects to fucking PHYSICS, and the related sciences. One of the hardest subjects known to mankind, over attempting to understand WOMEN. That's how fucked up women are, in the head. A fucking GENIUS could not figure out women and moved to the hardest known subject on this damn planet, this rock in the cosmos, in HUMAN EXISTENCE, to understand and further humanity, instead of frigging trying to understand women.

I... just... wat.

Me trying to figure women out.

Well it's almost 2AM now (as of typing this now, 2:16AM). Maybe I should change clothes and clean now. CLEANING TAKES FUCKING TEN GODDAMN MINUTES NOT INCLUDING DISHES. I will admit there were typically a significant amount of dishes but still, being asked to do other things besides the dishes and taking 4 fucking days to do them because you're playing World of Warcraft is fucking ridiculous. God, that's ALWAYS going to stick with me, lol. Christ.

Good night, good luck, and godspeed fellows. God I'd kill for a burger right now, christ. I had to steal 2 burgers at work today. Fudge. Next month will be better money wise hopefully. I really hope it is.