Wednesday, October 12, 2022

I got a bearded dragon

 Holy fuck they're a lot of work, and I'm not keeping 100 crickets in a box in the garage or something.

Oh well. I'll just get crickets every friday hopefully. Hopefully I get my license soon too so I don't have to bother my dad with trips to get crickets

got calcium and 20 crickets today, he ate them all really fast lol. He's prolly still hungry idk. Nos's friend has a beardy but she takes care of hers "perfectly" and wants me to take care of mine "perfectly" but it's not gonna happen lol.

if it dies, it dies, oh well.


update: she told me to kill the beardie lol jfc I'm gonna try to take care of it but there's literally millions of them out there bruh. I literally let my 2 year old snake out in the backyard to make room for this mfer and if he dies I'LL GET ANOTHER ONE.

jfc bruh actin like they're a limited resource or something.

Thursday, August 4, 2022

dreamsssssss

 I should have probably got up and wrote the dream down when I woke up from it, but oh well.

I had a couple weird dreams last night/this morning but the main one I remember is I was living in Arizona with my siblings but Joel was nowhere to be found. I was in a house with a bunch of other people and my middle brother Drake. And from the knowledge I had in the dream, the world was pretty much ending due to alien/demonic invasion. Drake was leading the group of "survivors".

I asked him a question about joining and he said something like "yeah but you'll have to push [blurred name]" and I was like "wat?" and he pointed outside to this fucking MASSIVE thing with rows and rows of eyes capped off with like a purple mushroom top. Almost like I dunno, a really round eggplant because it was purple with a mushroom top but the top wasn't big. I dunno. It was weird. But all the eyes were moving and squishy looking and there were people hanging around it, "guarding it" I guess.

So I said "no, I don't wanna do that, that shit looks gross" and he was like "ok whatever". So I went to get a bag and get my stuff. 

Now, we were in an apartment but it was like... large. Like I'm talking this thing had a second floor, not a loft. I dunno what you'd call that but it was yuge. And I went upstairs to get my bag from my room to put necessities in it, so I didn't hear drake call everyone to move out. So I went downstairs a little later and everyone was filing out so I just figured I'd join them shortly after I filled my pack. I opened the fridge to put some jarred items in there (honestly I have no idea what, canned items would have been better. Also I have no idea why I would have even assumed the fridge had items in it, but it basically had the items in it that my nan's fridge does right at this moment lol. Tortillas, drinks, condiments, jarred-but-has-been-open items, etc whatever.) People started rolling/pushing the big eggplant eye thing, but before they even moved it a full revolution, I heard people screaming from outside. I turned my head to look and the eye thing was "cracking open" with purple light, people were fuckin BOOKING IT away toward the main group which was now significantly ahead of them. I sped up gathering items and I didn't see the thing crack open, but I was getting a fork and it made a clattering noise, and when I looked back I literally recognized what was standing there. It was a demon, a really big one, but it basically looked like a minotaur with purple fur and was holding a flaming battle-axe. 

And it heard me clattering around in the silverware.

I noticed it notice the noise, but it didn't directly see me. The layout of the kitchen was such that there was an island in the kitchen that had the fridge "in it" so to speak, so I ducked behind the fridge as it entered the "house/apartment" whatever. From the edge of the island I could see the sliding glass door to get out. Oddly enough the demon opened the sliding glass door, he didn't walk through it, but he also shut it behind him, which meant I'd have to make noise to get out. Anyway, the demon entered the building and he walked upstairs. I was crouched at the bottom of a cabinet listening to his actions. When he went upstairs my mind went into a flurry of decisionmaking.

GOGOGOGO NOW!

But what if he hears the sliding door or my footsteps?

etc. At this point is when my heart went into massive overdrive, pumping with adrenaline, and it also woke me up because my heart was beating so fast IRL lol. I tried to go back into the dream after waking up slightly and I did, but I was unable to move from where I was.

I had another weird dream but I forgots it 😝


Wednesday, July 27, 2022

why tf am I so pissed

 goddamn I'm pissed af and I dunno why

maybe it's because of the snooty af doctor my dad went to go see today

maybe it's because I had to take a whole day off to interpret for my dad at the doc's

maybe it's because I couldn't buy what I wanted to eat at wal mart and had to buy a shitty wrap

maybe it's because I couldn't buy 3 livewire mountain dews like I wanted from walmart

maybe it's because I am restless as fuck and feel guilty about staying home all day from work

maybe it's because people in monster hunter suck fucking dick and die all the goddamn time and fail quests

maybe it's because someone I know sucks dick at monster hunter even though he thinks he's good at it

(hint: he's not good at any video game. Like I thought I was shitty but jesus fucking christ dude at least use a build where you can hide behind a shield and not die which leads to failure of the quest if you die fucking 3 times dude. and LOOK UP GUIDES, BUILDS, WHATEVER, GOD DAMN)

maybe it's because I always have to wait to eat dinner which leads to me just wanting to eat snacks instead because I'm fucking tired of eating reheated dinner dude. I'm so tired of it. I hate misophonia but I literally can not eat with nan and dad at the table or else I want to fucking punch them in their faces. nan makes fucking loud drinking gulping noises and dad chews with his fuckin mouth open. HE'LL SHUT THAT SHIT WHEN WE'RE GUESTS AT SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE THOUGH. jfc.

maybe it's because I've had no money for weeks and I keep having to ask my dad and nan for money for drinks at work

maybe it's because I have to constantly fucking listen for my nan on the phone or if she falls. it's like I have a constant background process all the time and I'm just fucking tense all the goddamn time dude

maybe it's because I can't enjoy my video games anymore because I have to be ready to go with my dad somewhere at ANY FUCKING TIME so I constantly suffer from that feeling where you have something scheduled for the day so you just don't do anything BUT I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING SCHEDULED, IT'S FUCKING RANDOM. I also am aware I don't need to go with him places but I feel like if I don't, I'm missing out on spending time with him and it sucks. Recently I generally stopped going to the gun range with him because it's TOO LOUD for me and it's NOT FUN. Sure I've shot a few guns but like... eh. And it's always a NEW gun with him, nothing is ever good enough. Consumerism at its finest I guess.

maybe it's because I haven't had enough money to buy a new game I want, The Quarry, to stream

maybe it's because my right eye won't stop fucking watering and being dry at the same time. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS IS HAPPENING BUT IT'S FUCKIN ANNOYING DUDE

maybe it's because nan refuses to have the house be fuckin cold so I have to sit in the heat all the GOD DAMN TIME next to my TOWER that IS A SPACE HEATER WHEN I PLAY A GAME because UPS fucked up my SIDE PANELS a YEAR ago

maybe it's because I didn't get into an IT training program and have to wait 3 and 1/2 months to fucking join

I dunno man. I'm just tired of fucking being alive, I go to bed every single night hoping I don't wake up in the morning and every morning I'm disappointed. Too pussy to kill myself using a pistol cause a .22 won't fuckin kill me to the head. I don't want to be in pain.

All I can hope for is cancer or dying in bed. And yes I know cancer is painful but at least I can put it off for quite a while before it gets painful.



Tuesday, May 10, 2022

Roe v Wade, bomb incoming

 fuckin lol reddit post

This shit is what I've been saying for years and no one has listened. Yet again, as is typical, but whatever. Absolutely zero people can help because 99% of the US populace is basically in poverty and doesn't fuckin have time to help, and all of us are also extremely non-influential. One person, ten people, a thousand people, ten thousand people, won't do shit.

It's gotta be someone with money. And we all know they're not gonna do shit.

Yeah, I care. What they're suggesting they do to the general populace is absolutely terrible. But I'm also a fat autistic adhd idiot working for 16/hr living paycheck to paycheck living with my goddamn parents at 30 and having to share rent with them. Me and everyone else like me can literally do nothing but watch as these people are going to end up controlling our lives. We can't move states. We can't move countries. We are effectively stuck here.

Reddit gives people a place to let out their frustrations and then go to sleep and wake up the next day and go to work for a pittance, come home and do it all again. Therein lies the problem is we are effectively "sedated" via social media. I guarantee you if social media didn't exist and technology wasn't at the level it is today there would be some violent protests going on rn.

We can literally do nothing about this but die in the slowly boiling pot by the millions. And if Covid has taught us anything it's that americans do not care about each other, they only care about their own headspace and their own lives. But why shouldn't they? If they're not being personally affected by an issue, there is literally ZERO brainpower devoted to that issue from that person. Absolutely zero.

And that is why everyone denied covid was real was because MOST PEOPLE WERE NOT AFFECTED BY COVID. Shit, I still haven't been affected by covid, my entire family is fine, and my condolences to people who were affected, but that doesn't mean I have to devote my life to helping people affected by covid. I literally can't. Doesn't mean I didn't think it wasn't real though but I actually have 2 braincells knocking around up there, sometimes they even touch to make an idea, so.

Most of America won't even blink when this stuff passes and then they'll go to get an abortion and then go to prison and wonder WHY lol.

All I know is I'm never having sex again and that's A-OK with me, I feel bad for people with sex drives. In 2-3 years there will be zero places to get a safe abortion, mark my words. I'm off to go look at more funny posts before my shift tomorrow because that's all I have in my goddamn life anymore. Also a LOT of women are gonna die from childbirth. A LOT. There's gonna be a TON of single fathers.

Tuesday, April 26, 2022

autism sucks. maybe Asperger's

 How do I make a connection in my brain that work = money?

tl;dr: my brain says take a fuckton of unpaid time off when work offers it instead of working even if I need money to pay rent (won't be booted out but my dad will be mad he has to pay my portion of rent). How do I get my brain to recognize work = money when I'm uncomfortable with work to begin with and my adhd brain looks for every escape possible from it? I work in the customer service industry right now and am trying to get out, been looking for 6 months and no dice.

So for a lot of my life I've done the bare minimum to just scrape by. Schoolwork? Minimum amount of work to get a D- in the class (passing grade in the USA when I was in school). Work? Minimum amount of work at work, do the least I can to get paid while still looking like I'm busting my ass. Literally anything else in life? Minimum amount of effort.

During the beginning of my "working years" beginning at 19 I would cover for people, do some overtime to cover people not coming in/quitting/etc. I did this for 2-3 years before realizing that I should have moved WAY up on the chain at that point and no one was even considering me for a higher position despite me expressing interest in it. Managers tried to get me to do the work without paying me the extra raise FOR the work and after doing that a couple times I said no, so they stopped.

I am 30 now. I feel like a little kid whining about having to work and it's the worst thing because I know I shouldn't feel like this as a fucking adult.

So at this point it's been quite a few years with this mindset of "minimum grind". I have worked in the "customer service" sector for 10 years and I am quite tired of it, to the point where in my current job I have actually snapped back at people because I'm so tired of people trying to shit on me and thinking it's okay. There are a lot of shifts where I clock out and just cry for a couple hours in front of my computer due to the stress. And this job is definitely even one of the lighter jobs I've ever had in my life, I have had far, far worse.

However, having Autism/Asperger's & ADHD I am sure a lot of you are familiar with the "I can't do x" mindset along with the procrastination that comes with being pressured into doing something, even if it's from your own brain. Having free access to Reddit doesn't help, much less video games, music, the internet in general, etc.

Currently I work from home and my job is extremely slow right now to the point where they are furloughing people/giving people the option to people take weeks off at a time. This is UNPAID time off. I recently took a few weeks off (even though I really could not afford to do that, and I knew it at the time) and I'm still looking at taking more time off after working next week because that means I don't have to deal with shitty customers. Also this entire time since January I've been looking for a job that "requires" me to be there because if I keep doing this I know I'm going to just be "chopping my legs off" so to speak and basically not having a leg to stand on (hehaue puns) if anyone actually finds out I'm cutting myself from work willingly lol.

Literally whenever our scheduling team puts time off for work up for the day on our scheduling board I'm one of the first people to take it for the rest of the day off no matter what. My stomach instantly settles down instead of feeling all "acid-reflux-ey" and I just relax and watch youtube/submit job applications/play video games. Otherwise I just wrestle with feeling very uncomfortable internally all day and my brain actively looks for any way out of that situation.

However not having to work with customers for weeks at a time means my mental health has been GREAT, lol. But my wallet is crying out in pain. Like right now I literally have $30 for 2 weeks and I only got paid $250 and most of that went to my dad for rent. I don't really have to spend money on much of anything but now I owe my dad back-rent, so... yeah.

Does anyone else struggle with anything like this? I can't apply for disability due to basically a life of masking and I also don't have money for therapy (lol obviously). I have no idea on how to get a handle on myself taking time off from work.

This entire thing also prevents me from going to school and working because my brain says "NO YOU WORK OR GO TO SCHOOL BECAUSE YOU NEED FREE TIME", I literally can't balance both. I have tried in the past and dropped out of college because of it. I'd love to go to school but I literally can't, I'd probably blow up on someone if I put that much stress on myself and I don't know what to do about it lol.

Sorry for the book, any advice is helpful advice. Thanks.

Saturday, April 16, 2022

women lol

 https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/u4b4sq/divorced_men_of_reddit_what_made_you_think/


I wasn't even married, just lived with a woman for 5 years just about.

Made me realize I have a LOT of my own shit to deal with and I absolutely can not and will not deal with someone else's insecurities and baggage.
Also the increased cost in food sucked. Whenever I wanted to get fast food, I also had to buy her fast food, etc. I have no problem with this but I was already living paycheck to paycheck and she had social anxiety and refused to get a job within walking distance (can't drive, can't afford a car anyway and I still couldn't at the time). At one point she just didn't leave the apartment for 2 years straight and played WoW (and cheated on me as soon as she moved in with dudes online while I was at work so joke's on fuckin' me) while I walked to work every day to bring in rent money. I was a shitty person too at the time but fuck if you're gonna be sitting around the house all day the least you can do is the dishes. This entire time isn't counting the 1 year I let her live with me after we broke up which I almost killed myself during.
That whole debacle really fucked me up mentally and now I hate people telling me what to do with my money because I got to spend basically 0$ of it for 5 years of my life, along with a lot of other mental problems I now have due to that relationship.
I'm not gonna argue she came out of that unscathed either but I literally did so much shit for that lady and got paid back via her cheating on me with dudes and carrying 0 weight basically for the majority of the relationship. There was a year and a half where I was jobless and she basically had to do mind numbing surveys on Amazon Mechanical Turk for money but I also had to work 8 hours a day with her on that so.
Never, ever getting married or dating ever again actually.

Thursday, April 14, 2022

religion

https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergers/comments/u3jalf/does_anyone_else_struggle_believing_their_religion/ 


Nope.

With all the struggling I do in my daily life much less the struggle my friends and family go through every day, and the struggling many other people who have it much worse off than me have every day, there is no way there is a "higher power". My dad gives 10% of his paychecks to his church when he absolutely cannot afford it. My grandmother also does the same who can't afford it. The church and all religion is a waste of time and despicable.

Don't get me started on people who use religion as an excuse for how people "should and should not act", mfer do you have a brain? Do you have MORALS? ETHICAL TRAINS OF THOUGHT? It's like if these people didn't have a religion they wouldn't fucking know right from wrong or something. And the people who say "Oh praise gawd lawdy jebus" when something that I PUT IN THE WORK FOR happens to me, it pisses me the fuck off, BECAUSE I PUT IN THE WORK AND NO ONE ELSE! NO ONE BUT ME!

I had so many Sundays I could have spent playing video games, shoved down my throat, going to "Sunday school" i.e. babysitting services where I had to help the adults with small children and/or normal church. I fucking hate church.

I remember one night my grandma and dad sitting in the living room and asking me, when I was 12, why I don't like going to church and (due to having undiagnosed autism/adhd so I literally had 0 therapy to interpret my feelings about religion) I just said "because church is ass!" and got spanked the fuck out of.

Needless to say after that though I didn't have to go to church after that and spent all my free time playing Guild Wars with my friends outside of school, finally.

My dad tries to convert me to "believing in jesus christ" at least once a week now. I'm fucking 30. Stop. I have literally said as much and he just doesn't "understand why I don't believe". I believe Jesus was a person, but the bible and everything else around jesus/god is fucking fake as all fuck and too many people use religion as an excuse for good/bad things happening to them.

Religion has done nothing good for anybody during its existence. Many many people have died due to religion. It's not a force for good, it's a force that people use to nose into other people's fucking lives and not just leave people the fuck alone. The amount of people that "need something to believe in to live" is too damn high and those people also are typically skewed on morals and see taking advantage of people as "ok". I've lived with 0 religion, 0 believing in anything my entire life, and I am an "okay, well-adjusted to society" person. I work, I help people who need help if I can help them, I help my family when I can. This requires ZERO religion beliefs. It's just being human.

The church (ANY CHURCH) is a bunch of manipulative liars.

Until I literally see miracles performed in front of me that can't be explained by science, that shit can fuck off. And that will never happen and we will all be just worm food. Guarantee it.

Lawdy this post triggered the fuck out of me lol. My experience with religion is that religion SUCKS.

Tuesday, April 12, 2022

autism/adhd and shitty life

 from here:https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/u2bp64/what_is_the_worst_fucking_feeling/


I'm here with my grandma right now, at that stage of life. Soon my dad will be too. Thing is, I can barely take care of myself with autism/adhd. I treat my grandma like she's made of paper (she's 73, already fell and broke a hip once when I wasn't here a few years ago) and I try to help her as much as I can, but life experience/autism makes me an extremely self-centered person to the point where I sometimes help with dinner but not often, don't do a ton of chores around the house, etc, she mostly does them. I do help when I feel like it but I am very aware of my level of help and it's terrible. (I can't afford therapy to fix this)

My dad also has autism (I really wish he didn't have children, that's a whole other can of worms) and is the same way, plus she is his mom so to him she's basically "able to take care of herself" and doesn't help her a lot because he doesn't really seem to care about her from what I've experienced living here for 2 years.

My dad is in his late 50s I think now and he's also deaf, and job prospects aren't great for him but at least he knows how to drive, I do not, can not drive ever because I will kill someone if not myself using the car on the road even though everyone keeps pushing me to drive.

I can't spend time with them at the dinner table because I can't stand other people chewing, and I also don't spend a lot of time with them away from my computer because my computer has been my life for years, since I was living with my mom. It's my safe space basically and as time goes on it's really becoming a hinderance to everyone but I make zero effort to change because I literally can't lol.

Time with both of these people is going by so fast though, they're the only 2 members of my family who "seemingly" love me unconditionally and growing up for 25 years in a home with a single abusive mom and multiple guys coming in and out of my life as father figures has really fucked mine and my brothers' and my 1 sister's lives up. I really hate my mom took us away from living with our grandparents when I was 13 to go live with her and her abusive bf. So much time lost. We weren't allowed to communicate with anyone outside the house, etc. My grandfather died during this time and my mom didn't tell us even though she knew, we had to find out years and years later. So much left unsaid.

Soon enough I'll be 40 (hopefully not, hoping to pass before then), my dad will be 10 years older and probably not working, my nan will probably be gone, and I have zero idea where I will be in life, if not homeless. Probably still sat in front of this computer working shitty customer service wfh jobs and cutting my own hours for days off because I can't understand the correlation between work and money a-fucking-pparently.

Value your time with your parents and grandparents guys.

Saturday, April 2, 2022

those people who came into high school classes who were graduates

 and your teacher would introduce them like "oh mah gahhhhd it's yoooou how are you!? class this is xxxxxxxxx and he/she works as a [cool job here that relates to the class]". I always wanted to be one of those people who comes in and is able to chat with the teacher as a "fellow adult" and stuff.

can't do that cause I'm mentally 13 and work dead end customer service jobs along with being fat lol. every single one of those people who came in were FIT as fuck dude

fuck my life. Today has just not been a good day for me mentally. I did get paid $50 for helping to fix a computer. Bought a $20 game and I was hoping some of the Hoarders would watch me play in discord/pick it up to play with me but no. Luckily the game has matchmaking so I was able to play games with some randos, it was fun? It was an okay time I guess, not really fun. Basically prop hunt via ghost hunting, it's really neat and actually very polished.

Man I just don't want to be alive anymore, it's been years since I've talked to anyone else IRL besides family members. Literally years I'm not even kidding.

If I would have known when I was younger life was gonna turn out like this I would have just... I dunno. still a wimp for pain so. The only way I'd go out rn is via gunshot but my dad locked his gun cases now so... nope. I'll have to buy my own gun if I wanna do it.

My 30th birthday is coming up and I always said I'd be dead before 30. I legitimately don't know how I'm still here, I eat like shit, I'm not active, I probably have like 12 health problems that I don't know about because I can't visit a doctor to check.

I literally just lost my benefits because I dropped to part time at work too so hahahahahahahahaha

god I hate my life just take me out please every day I wake up and the first thing I think of is "fuck I didn't die in my sleep" just please kill me

Monday, February 21, 2022

response to a message I got on reddit

 So someone sent me this message on reddit:

reacting to this: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/sxcvvm/comment/hxse5ho/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Do you talk about multiplayer games, big games, RPGs and so on, or does it include even games like Limbo for example?

As a programmer in the industry and a wannabe game designer, I feel like you are one of a very small amount of people that theoretically like games but practically don't really play them, so I'm interested in your reasoning, if you don't mind.

I'm maybe in a similar boat. For me, most games (and especially AAA ones) feel much more like toys. Even stuff like Spelunky is just an incredibly polished toy. To me, this is why I don't enjoy most games in general, but I still absolutely love the ones that I do enjoy (Limbo is one of the greatest games I've ever played, from that perspective).

So yeah, I would really like your take on it, if you don't mind sharing :)


And I answered:


Ah sure. I would agree that most games "feel like toys", particularly in essence games you mentioned similar to Spelunky. Roguelikes/lites generally feel that way because you generally restart over and over and there really isn't anything that's typically "permanent" in a roguelike. Lites use upgrade trees with permanent upgrades you can grind out runs for, etc and those are the ones I really enjoy because it gives a sense of progression (i.e. Hades, etc.) However in that example I am referring to games that have simple gameplay loops and don't constantly either:

A. Involve me in the story/keep the story rolling/keep the story interesting. Games that make me feel hooked on the story are most successful at having me complete them. Interesting characters, places, the feeling that "I have to go do this thing or this character I enjoy will have x happen to them" or whatever. A good story is typically what I'm searching for in a video game over mechanics/graphics/etc., but it's maybe like 75% of my interest in a game.

Or

B. Introduce new mechanics for the entirety of the game up to the ending hours of the game. Keeps the game interesting. If the mechanics introduced in the beginning of the game don't feel good to play, the game gets binned unless the story is good and my brain bothers me to continue playing it outside the game, which has happened for a few titles. What Remains of Edith Finch comes to mind in this scenario, but it's happened for other games for me too that don't come to mind immediately.

And / or

C. Fluid mechanics that don't feel fake/clunky to play. This one is a little harder to describe but game mechanics need to have IMPACT on gameplay. Not just "oh here's a different color of that spell that's named differently but does the same thing" or whatever.

There's probably other points to be made here but these three are the largest things that I immediately identify in a game in the first hour or less.

However a typical game has a blend of all three of these things in some amount or another, of course.

Now, typically, most games do all of these things to a varying degree, but I've played through games that either did one very well and not much of the other or vice versa.

Taking your example of Limbo, I also enjoyed Limbo because even though the gameplay loop was simple on a high level, I.e. walking to the right to experience the game, the story was interesting enough to keep me captivated via symbolism of what was going on in the game itself for the entire game. Obviously the exceptional art doesn't hurt as well, but that's not a giant factor for me in terms of if I get bored with a game or not.

For many genres of games the above is the case. However MMORPGs are another bag entirely due to the "skinner box effect" they have on people, which I feel like is what contributes the most to "video game burnout". Exposing a person to a game like World of Warcraft or Everquest or any major MMORPG from, god, like probably 2000 onward will either lead to that person not liking MMORPGs outright off the bat, or they get hooked and the rest is history. I've been playing video games a long time but when I started playing WoW at 13 is when other games really lost their shine for me just because I could not get the dopamine rush I got from other games that I got from WoW.

It's just burnout on a massive scale for me, in combination with my point in my post of "finding the gameplay loop and getting bored" to "not enough hee-hee funny make me go whee brain juice". It's gotten better in recent years after MMORPGs seemingly have become a toxic pool of people that I almost never want to interact with in general, but

Speaking of "brain juice", I'm sure you noticed my flair on that post as well. Having autism/ADHD leads to me figuring out gameplay loops very quickly, and if something is made inaccessible to me in a video game and it seems like it would take a very long time to get to that interesting thing for whatever reason, I'll probably be dropping the game shortly. Same with figuring out the gameplay loop and being bored with a game.

For some reason I have a very, very innate ability to connect mechanics together in a game that no one else seems to connect or even think of. An example of this is recently when I was playing Deep Rock Galactic with my friends, we came across some orange cylinders that we couldn't find what to do with in a level. In a later level we found a big box that looked like an engine that had two round slots in it. I immediately made the connection that if this box existed in this level, that meant the orange cylinders we found in an earlier level also existed in this level and as such, we had to find them and put them into this machine and see what it did. Everyone was like "how did you even think of that", but to me, the answer was clear as day. This happens with a lot of games and I frequently get comments on it from my friends, and I remember how to do such-and-such gameplay in whatever game we're playing at the time really well, for some reason. I wish I could apply that to other areas of my life lol.

But this "innate ability" also leads to putting together gameplay loops very quickly and foreseeing additional mechanics that are going to be added to the game later on, and makes me extremely bored once I figure it out. This is where my brain seems to check to see if I am enjoying the story or not. If I am, I'll continue playing to experience the story. At this point I'm anywhere from maybe 3-5 hours into a game, more or less, so the "smooth mechanics" check has been passed most likely. If I'm not enjoying the story, chances are I'll just be bored and drop the game very soon after that.

I hope this answer was what you were looking for, and if not, apologies for the book lol, I'd be happy to clarify anything as well.


Bruh that was a lot of typing. I've never gotten to expand on my thought process for these things so it was a good feeling typing it out for someone to read. Even if they don't read it, feelsgoodman. 

Sunday, February 20, 2022

past relationship

 I wrote a whole thing up on reddit in this thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/sxcvvm/why_are_young_men_giving_up_on_dating/


here's what I wrote: (also yes this ONE SINGULAR BITCH is still taking up space in my head, rent FUCKING free.)

 tl;dr: took care of anxiety-ridden woman I met on /b/ in a relationship for 5 years, she was cheating on me the whole time in my apartment I paid for working my ass off and then decides to masturbate to other dudes in front of me after we break up while she is living with me still. I ship her back to her parents and I'm mad I was an idiot still, many years later. I am never dating again, fuck that mentally-scarring noise, dude. 1 relationship was all it took to take me out of the dating pool for good

Was with a woman for 5 years-ish who had social anxiety, couldn't get a job and expected me to basically pay for everything. She did some online survey work but man I can't even do that work, I would not subject another human being to 8 hours a day of that shit. So I supported us for 5 years basically working at a gas station for most of that time. Oh, I also met her on /b/ in a social thread before the advent of /soc/ so. I was just happy for female attention and I took it all the way, unfortunately.

Then I was not happy with where we were/her self-esteem with her body/no sex/no help with chores around the apartment while I worked/no help with our dogs (she didn't take them for walks because of the social anxiety so we had a pad in the house and she stopped cleaning that. I miss those doges) so we broke up, but I was still simping and let her live with me for a year and I told her to let me know if she got into anything with a dude online so I could mentally prep myself and have her still live there. I also paid for her anxiety medication, which I am 100% sure contributed to this next bit.

Her personality changed as well, due to the meds, during the 5 years we were together she never swore in normal conversation, not once. (Maybe like once or twice during sex) After we broke up she was basically swearing like a sailor on voice comms on World of Warcraft (which was hot af might I add, which didn't help). She became very dismissive of me and basically treated me like I didn't exist in the apartment except to do the chores despite me working 40 hour weeks and her sitting on her computer all day (which I paid for half of) playing WoW, andme paying the bills ofc.

One day I'm home from work and just hear her sexing it up over voice chat with another dude. Told her she was leaving and to pack her shit. I was a giant mess back then and definitely understand that she could do whatever she wanted, but I was still very attached, and it's kinda rude & crude to do that like... while I'm home. At least I stealth fapped in my room after she was out cold on the... fancy futon I had at the time. (I miss that futon lol) But she had been doing that for 2+ weeks while I was at work.

Her family flew her back to the state she came from and been alone since 2015. And yeah I had a LOT of faults in that relationship but like... bruh lol, she threw me away like a piece of paper straight into a trashcan. No feelings for me whatsoever and I found evidence after the fact she was cheating on me with dudes on the internet during the relationship after the relationship too, so. I dunno, man.

I can't do it, won't do it. I do not have the energy, or the money, or the WANT to even have a chance encounter with someone who cannot take care of themselves or put in work to keep a relationship afloat.

Do I still think about her? Yes only because she's the only female person I've ever been physically intimate with. If I could wipe her from my memory 100% like she seemingly did me from hers I'd do it in a heartbeat. Yes, years later, I still mad. I'm mad that I was naive enough to be taken advantage of like that and I will never, NEVER let it happen to me again.

Thursday, February 17, 2022

elder abuse and stan lee

So I found this YT channel called TheGamerFromMars who does slight deep dives into various people in media and things, and there's this video talking about Stan Lee's last days: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=364fFEMTVH0

Man I dunno how that man's own DAUGHTER frieakin like abused that dude, but she did. Like how does someone morally justify that? She spent fucking 30-40k a MONTH. HOW?! HOWWWWWW? That's fucking crazy. But what's just even worse is that she was just trying to control the dude's life, especially after his wife, her mother, died. Like bruh what the fuck. There is no way Stan raised that bitch to be that spoiled, I refuse to believe it. But I guess we'll never really know.

Like, living with my grandma even if I asked her to do something for me I would feel like I gotta go to prison for elder abuse (though now that I think about it, I normally don't ask her to do anything for me because I'm way faster than her lol). I do a ton of stuff for her though. Recently I tried to have her buy me a fairly expensive macbook to learn coding on but she has some memory problems and thought 2 days later that it was a fraudulent charge so she cancelled the order. But man those whole 2 days I felt like a scumbag because 2k dollars is a lot of money! 2.3k to be exact. And one day I will buy that macbook maybe but I don't think it will be anytime soon from my own pockets.

I had a meltdown over it unfortunately because my brain thinks that THAT specific macbook is the only way I can learn coding. I injured my hands during that meltdown by hitting myself on the head repeatedly. I have that urge all the time to hit myself on the head. Some days are better than others, ofc.

I'm hoping to get my tax refund soon so I can order a 16GB MacBook Air though, with 256GB SSD. Way cheaper than the macbook I wanted and I'll be able to do work on it as well since I didn't really need a meaty macbook like that.

Anyway, yea. Elder abuse. Don't be a dick to old people (cool, nice old people anyway. Old people who are dicks to you can fuck right on off)

Thursday, February 10, 2022

fuck them dumbass kids

https://www.reddit.com/r/unpopularopinion/comments/spd28x/kids_arent_a_energy_sucking_void_that_take_all/


 I abandoned my mom in the dust for treating me like shit, she almost starved to death in her shitty trailer due to her attitude and was only saved by her 1 friend who is a "christian". My 2 brothers and half-sister also didn't lift a finger to help her.

I didn't ask to be here and I certainly didn't ask to be abused growing up, or to have her kick my dad out of the picture multiple times, who would have taught me life skills that she didn't. Shit, I'm living with him now and the dude teaches me something every day. I'm also ND (autism/adhd) and my parents (again specifically my mom who pressured my dad into NOT diagnosing me) didn't diagnose me as a kid/let me go to therapy which would have diagnosed me, which fucked me for any disability help later in life when I found out that I have autism/adhd, because diagnosis is expensive but I can't keep a job to save my fuckin life.

OP can get fucking fucked.

Kids should never be looked at as "future help". Fuck people who think that way.

Saturday, January 22, 2022

no new macbook, grandma is forgetful

 I'm never going to beat my adhd/autism.

I asked my grandma to order me a 2.3k$ macbook so I could study javascript away from my computer and the order was in for friggin 2 days, they charged her, then she forgot she ordered it and called her bank and told them it was fraud, the credit card institution and her bank itself. 

In my despair I slammed my head on my desk a lot and hit myself on the head a lot. Never have I been in such hatred for myself and my shitty brain. Even right now I want to do it. I just want to mash my head into a pulp and die. I almost called the cops to take me to a mental institution because I was almost afraid I was REALLY gonna slam my head into my desk but I managed to stop myself.

Also, I feel like doing that all the time. hitting my head/slamming my head into my desk. But I manage to put those thoughts to the side. But today I just tapped my head with my hand and it's off to the self-beating races for a solid 10 minutes of punching my own head and then slamming it into a desk

autism is a fucking disease and I want to be fucking rid of it. I want to be rid of this shitty ADHD that MAKES me take time off work and get fired from every job I'm ever at unless I ENJOY THE FUCKING WORK AND CUSTOMER SERVICE WORK FUCKING SUCKS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JUST HIRE ME FOR FUCKING DATA ENTRY PLEASE

I can't get therapy, I can't get a macbook to help me fucking learn a fucking skill to get the fuck out of this shitty line of work, I can't do fucking shit. 

Here's my gofundme for this https://www.gofundme.com/manage/help-me-buy-a-macbook-to-learn-coding

just screaming into the void again I guess

Thursday, January 20, 2022

new keyboard, no paycheck

 new keyboard again! Got a pink logitech MX Keys Mini. I like the color and I like how its feels. It's also much quieter which makes me feel better using it at night when my nan is asleep.

So lately I've been taking a lot of VTO at work (Voluntary Time Off) and it's absolutely going to kick me in the goddamn nuts when I get paid. I just hope I have enough to pay rent lol. $200 at $16/hr should be ez but uh... I took like 2 days off this week from vto and I've also worked a total of like 4 hours this week... >_> I eh dunno how this will work out for me lol.

If anyone has any data entry work pls email robert.mich@mail.com, anything in the Newnan, GA area or remote work.

I know I'm screaming into the void but it's worth a shot I guess.

I also tried to schedule a thing with a therapist to get ADHD meds and found out that I basically can't see one unless I can somehow get permission to get a couple hours off on days when I need to see the therapist. Which I don't think I can do unless I get diagnosed first.

I'm considering asking my nan if I can see if I can get a new job or I've also been looking for a new job so I can quit this one and then in the interim get diagnosed. I did get diagnosed with ADHD in Arizona (mild... dunno tf that means since that was based on a 10-question questionnaire -_____-) but christ I just want something that kills off my inattention and makes me yearn for time off and then NOT DO ANYTHING WITH THE TIME OFF UGNJHKNLDFJKLGNFJKL

fuckin kill me pls

Thursday, January 6, 2022

Time off from work, with autism, while working

 So I'm writing this because I got a new keyboard and like the clacks, but I just wanted to also vent about something.

I work for Apple as a "pre-sales consultant" which basically means "glorified stock checker at apple stores across the usa and canada that can answer questions about products" but I wanted to bring up one thing:

VTO, or Voluntary Time Off.

Holy hell it feels good to get VTO on a workday. Sometimes I'll ask a supervisor to put in VTO for me (which has a better success rate than trying to catch VTO when it's put up in our schedule pages), sometimes for a whole day if it's slow enough. And basically what it is, is time off the phones, punched out, off the clock, for X number of hours. Sometimes I get VTO for most of the day, sometimes I get VTO for 3 hours during my day and then go back on the phone. But boy HOWDY does my autism/adhd absolutely SCREAM at me to get VTO whenever I can despite... you know, needing to get P A I D and be clocked in. But noooo whenever I can get FrEe tImE I absolutely need to get it. If I don't get it and I'm not "feeling like working" (which let's be honest is most days, some days I tolerate it more than others) it puts me in a REALLY foul mood the rest of the day.

The other day actually I told off a customer because they were whining and complaining about "WWWAHHH I BOUGHT AN IPAD BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS A REPLACEMENT FOR A MACBOOK AND NOW I CAN'T DO WORK ON IT WAAAHHH I NEED TO TRADE IT IN FOR A MACBOOK" but guess what, Apple doesn't take NEW items for trade in, they would have to return it. But also she bought it from a different retailer OUTSIDE of Apple. So basically I told her that she would have to return it to the retailer and then purchase a macbook separately. She was like "THIS IS SHITTY FUCKING CUSTOMER SERVICE" yadda yadda for like 10 minutes. I just let her vent until finally I said, verbatim, "Look, if I tell you what you want to hear which is specifically "Oh yeah the apple store will take that no problem" you would be going 2 hours out of your way or whatever to an apple store to be told "no they don't take those for trade in". And then you would have wasted a bunch of your time. I am trying to save you time on this and letting you know what your current situation is." And she stfu'd and asked for help with another problem which I had to transfer her for.

I swear to god there's a lot of "entitled-acting" people out there and it really fucking sucks. Not everyone is "mommy's special snowflake", get the fuck over it. YOU'RE IN REAL LIFE MFER.