A thought or two

You know, writing these posts from my journal is making a lot of cold, dead, zombified emotions keep banging on my steel-clad heart, wanting entrance. But they shall find no purchase here.

I was just thinking about the one time I found this Facebook game that was a hidden item game, and Haley liked playing it with me, and we played it for a couple rounds and then I was like 'OKAY DONE' and went to go do something else. And then she asked a bit later if we could play it again and I was like 'I DON'T WANNAAAAAAAA' and just didn't. And then I felt bad AFTERWARD and she just didn't want to play.

God what I would give to spend physical time with someone with a game like that. (Not family cause nah but a friend or something.) And just have fun with another person in the same room. It's why I keep trying to go visit Jacob, and it's why I like being at work with other people in the room while I work/play games on the work computer (lul whoo). It's... not depressing, but just sobering to be in this little room by myself every night. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a girlfriend, or a fuckbuddy, or anything (not attractive enough for that shit anyway so idc and I have an attachment-type personality so any actual giving toward me from a woman I take way over the top and have to make a mental effort to rein it in lol. At least I recognize it though, unlike a lot of idiots on this planet) but just someone to chill somewhere with every now and again and we don't even have to talk, we can just drink beers and fuckin' chill.

Good god I was a prick at 19/20. I should have been shot. I want to go back in time and kick the flying fucking shit out of myself and just be like 'IF YOU DON'T TREAT HER WITH RESPECT AT ALL TIMES I WILL COME BACK AND HURT YOU OVER AND OVER AGAIN!' The more I think about it, the more I can pinpoint times where I was just an outright douche. I sicken myself.

But I can't go back in time. And there's a lot of things besides that relationship I could do that to myself for, to be honest lol.

I now attempt to think things out thoroughly before speaking, and if there's a topic I feel I shouldn't speak about, I do not. Which is a lot of things in my life, really lol, mostly things at work. There's this girl who used to work in our department that comes in to bitch about random shit. My boss and I humor her but we bitch about shit to her too so it's a two way street lol. But she bitches about the most inane shit. She dates like two guys a week, sometimes at the same time. Ghosting them, not talking to them... it's ridiculous. The more I see that from her, a person who I thought maybe had some decency, the more it makes me never want to attempt to date again.

In other news I traded two artifacts in Dwarf Fortress for like 100,000 DORFMONEY and bought out a Merchant's Guild merchant so that was fun. whooooooooo ITEMS.