dreams again

 So I don't know how this one started, all I know is that there was a squrriel in my house and my dog got it but it wouldn't shake it to death and I put it outside and then it was like one of those cartoon scenes where as soon as I closed the door and turned around, the squirrel was back in my house looking at me. So I kicked it and went downstairs (I was in some copy of my grandma's place) and looked at this rando vent that didn't exist in the actual house, and I went to place the grating back over it, and it was just like... a square piece of metal with a hole in the middle. So the border of the metal went around the vent and it just didn't have a vent covering. And I just stared at it with rage filling my mental capacity to think until this next part of the dream:

Then the scene switched to me chasing a child (which apparently was the squirrel, in my dream mind?) trying to stab it and kill it (I guess it was a him but my mind doesn't "define" it as a him) and I finally get him and I take out my box cutter that I use at work and start slashing its back, and it's weird because I'm just moving with it in perfect sync but slashing its back, and it just screams, and I do this a LOT. Like 25 times swinging my arm into its back, stabbing and rending flesh. But the flesh is only like 1 millimeter deep and it seems kind of like I'm trying to scratch metal or something? Probably because I've never stabbed anyone irl and have no wish to.

Finally it falls down and turns around on the ground and I LITERALLY cut his achilles tendons. The kid fell on its stomach and I have no fucking idea why I went for this first instead of just killing the "kid" but I just... saw through one tendon at a time until I can see they're both cut through, I can see the white of the tendon like the white of a chicken tendon (idk if that's how they actually look on a human and I don't want to know) and the kid is just screaming and after I finish cutting the tendons it (I keep typing he/his here so I guess I'll use that) he tries to move his feet but he can't and he just kicks me with his "loose" feet and screams. Oh yeah, and I have a huge smile plastered to my face the whole time this weird shit is happening.

 and some fuckin weird fat neckbeard walks up next to me and the kid finally speaks and he's like "why are you doing this?!" and the guy goes "I am [some name I forgot now], and long ago..." and that's when I realized I didn't want to hear his story and woke up. And the weird thing is as soon as I woke up I compared the kid to Drake even though it absolutely was not him in the dream because I immediately felt sorry for my actions in the dream, and the kid. Weird.

I literally got up 30 minutes early to write this and am shaking and wanna throw up. The viciousness and glee I felt during that dream were... inhuman. I never want to feel like that again. I literally don't get up early to write about dreams, I value sleep over this crap, but this was bad. Nothing like this has actually happened in my life and dear gods what the fuck I hope it doesn't ever. There goes 30 minutes of sleep...

Dreamseses.

 This one was a bit of a doozy and left me feeling hopeless first thing in the morning.

So ofc it was her and not some rando girl in my dream. And in it we were hanging out and stuff and messing around here and there. And some time passes and for some reason she's streaming? (Probably my brain telling me to stream Javascript because I missed practicing/streaming it last night, and I was thinking about it before going to bed) and she was streaming WoW (which I just started playing again) and she said something about having 5 guys in her life to mess with or whatever. And in chat I was like "haha what" and then like 3 other chatters swooped in and they were like "yea we've been with her irl" and I just lost all faith in humanity. My arms slumped off the keyboard and I just stared at the screen. I wanted to leave the stream but at the same time I just couldn't believe it after the great time we "had" in the dream.

And then at that point I knew it was a dream, so I woke myself up and that's that.

Great fucking start to my day. BEST START. I probably don't have tomorrow off either, gah. Y u do dis brain? WHY

Edit a little later: Man yesterday was one of those "thinking about my regrets all day" days and I kept thinking about how she wore makeup and then took it off before I got home twice, and even thinking about it now is like jamming a finger into a wound and swirling it around. I was so stupid to not see the signs. You wanna be pretty for some other guy, but not for me, I guess. Gah. GAH I SAY! GAH! I need therapy god dangit. I wish I could afford it.

I got to hang out with Joel yesterday and his pitbull pup, the pup is teething so he likes to bite stuff. I gotta buy him some doggo treats for sho'. I'm going back over there again after work today. I may? get to see his kid as well? Not sure on that one. I was gonna say I should probably wash my jacket so I don't smell like butt going over there but I don't have enough time before I have to go to work lol. Phat rip I guess.

Okay, to WoW.

Edit because unending stream of thought apparently: Is it weird I can't even imagine anyone in my life having sex? Shit, I don't even want sex. That's probably carrying over into those thoughts, but it's like holding an object I don't know how to hold. It's so... foreign to me as a concept. I mean I've had sex but dear god it was so much work, it was useless to me. I understand it's for "close relationship time" with your SO but there's probably a bunch of factors at play here. Like I don't want a SO or a relationship, or sex, so I just don't think about it too often. As a guy like, yea if I see a hot lady or whatever ofc my brain just goes directly to the banging at this point, but I just suppress it. A U T I S M. 

Weird dreams

 Man this was a cool one, but a weird one.

So the whole premise of the dream was that I was at a monster-fighting school during a world apocalypse. Monsters had invaded the world or mutated from existing animals and we were being trained to hunt and kill them. I don't remember the first "hunt" but I know it was successful in my dream.

However the second hunt is where stuff picked up steam. The obvious cliques were formed in my class but we were still one coherent monster fighting group. We were sent with our "Mentor" to a swamp in Florida I think? And it was absolutely dark as hell with only a full moon and our equipment to guide us. Flashlights, etc.

And we split up into several groups. At this point everyone was a rando to me, but we split up into groups of 4 or 5ish. My group was 4 people. So we went off in search of the monster we were looking for, and we ended up finding it. It was a smooth skinned mutated iguana. Think iguanadon, but thin scales like a fish (we could puncture it with a weapon if we wanted) and it was bipedal, with a mean ol' face like a croc/lizard hybrid, is the only way I can explain it.

So the rest of it is a bit blurry, but what I remember is my group being unable to contact the rest of the group and coming across some military equipment, specifically an amphibious gun...tank...thing with an open deck and stuff. So we all climbed on it. The "mentor" was part of our group and was telling us to look for keys and stuff, and I ended up finding the mechanism with keys in them. A girl in our group that I apparently had some sort of relationship or friendship level with judging from my feelings in the dream, came over and the mechanism had a key at the top, a key slot in the middle, and a big red button at the bottom. So we obviously had to turn the keys at the same time. She was trying to turn the key without the second one inserted after she approached, and I was like "stop, stop" and I inserted the other key that was laying there outside of the key thingie near it, and I said "3... 2... 1!" and we both turned it and it started up. So we all piled into the machine and rode out to kill the thing.

Also at some point we saw a group of dudes on a large jetski thing roar by but it was obvious they hadn't found the monster yet.

I don't know if in the dream we killed the monster, because the scene actually flipped right when we flipped the switch to me unfolding some weird... bed... couch thing on a dock outside of a house with the same girl. It took like ten minutes to "unfold" the whole thing, and it ended up being a nice red, nice fabric couch thing that extended out super far. My brain is weird when it comes to places to sit, I guess. And she sat in the middle and I plopped down next to her and put my head on her chest and my arm around her and snuggled her. And we just stayed like that for a while, talking. I was... happy. And I know she was too.

And then in the house behind us we heard a screen door slam and a bunch of people and kids came in, and someone came outside and up to the couch, and she scooted away from my embrace, and that's when I remembered:

BITCHES AIN'T SHIT BUT HOES AND TRICKS

And then I woke up. At least the monster was cool to see.

Man, it's lonely here.

 It's just work -> home ->work -> home over and over. I legitimately miss Drake being in the house. At least I had someone AROUND my age who I could talk with and stuff about various things. I know I have my "friends" online but it's really not the same.

It's funny, when I was a kid, I never wanted Drake around. But boy did that kid look up to me. I think about it all the damn time now man. I treated him like absolute ass. I think about it every single day. I didn't defend him from Terry or Joel, I treated him like an unwanted brother growing up. But now I want to be around him and he doesn't want me around. I'm pretty sure he just moved me out here to have us have that one Christmas together with dad because dad asked for it and he saw the opportunity, and that's it, cause he's up and moved out now, and I'm stuck here with the racist bible-preaching boomer.

I saw a picture of when he was a kid in the kitchen and I just.... am breaking down crying right now. I am absolutely sobbing. I was the worst fucking person in the world to him and he still wanted to be around me and play games with me and just absolutely looked up to me like I was a god. Like I was one of the biggest people to influence his life at the time and he wasn't even a speck of dust in my life at the time. Or rather he was the annoying fairy from Zelda, lol. I was just the worst person. And he was such a happy kid, all the time, and growing up in a house where a fucking cocaine-addled stepdad beat him absolutely ground him into the dirt while I was moved out and dealing with my own problems, but Drake and Joel should have absolutely came first, not me or some wench that was apparently morally and financially dependent on me. I should have moved them out with me. Something. FUCK.

I've tried buying Drake stuff, and Joel too, what I could, but it still doesn't say "sorry" enough for me to them for how I didn't help them growing up. I would give anything to go back and fix it all. Stand up for them, treat them better. BE the big brother I was supposed to BE. Shit, maybe MY life would have turned out better if I had had some fucking balls as a kid.

But no. Now no one's proud of me and I live in a basement, and I'm just a stupid, intellectually-deficient dumb piece of shit that's going to go nowhere in life because of autism and being lazy with no willpower to do anything. 

The one thing I had going for me (working at Mural in a field I liked) I absolutely fucked up by not paying rent on time, or else I'd probably be making "okay" bank right now in Arizona. Now I'm stuck here living on basically someone else's handouts and just... goddamn it all to hell.

I have never wanted to be obliterated off this planet and just be gone more than right now, in my entire life. Now Joel doesn't talk to me because my autistic ass didn't want to listen to him and his gf bang on his birthday so I left, and I haven't seen Drake in a while, but we talk on Messenger.

They both say everything is fine and that I couldn't have helped anything, etc, but it's not true. I could have, I just chose not to because I eventually evolved a mindset of "whatever isn't directly affecting me is not my problem, I have too much crap on my own plate" etc. I just didn't want to deal with it so I didn't try and help them.

I think about this one time Joel knocked on my door back when we lived on Roger Rd. and he asked me for help with something, and I don't remember what he asked me for help with. I don't even remember if I helped him out. I desperately want to remember if I helped him or was at least useful in some way to him.

I remember Drake asking me for help with loads of things and I just blew him off. I remember in like 2014 or something Drake visited Arizona and my Dad asked if I wanted to go see him at my mom's and I was like "No" because I was still pissed that because of his dumbass teacher calling CPS, they almost made me fail high school. Which, the root cause of was Terry, not Drake. But I was too shortsighted to see that.

Legitimately though I am glad he got out of the house and away from Terry because fuck that shit. I wish I would have went and seen him. And now I had a sparse six months with him barely, because I barely saw him due to mine and his sleep schedules, and now it's back to not seeing any of my siblings.

I did try with Krissy. I really did. I tried to support her and help her in ways I didn't and was unable to help Drake and Joel. But she absolutely just took advantage of me instead.

I remember this one time (and I've told Joel this a bunch of times too lol) that we were in the car and Joel was learning how to read, but he had to read out loud to understand the words, and everyone was telling him to shut up. I absolutely regret not trying to open a can of whoopass on Terry for doing that to him. Reading is such a wonderful thing and it was absolutely stifled and stamped out immediately with him, like it is and seems to be with a lot of kids these days. I just remember we were walking up to a Dennys and Joel just walking there, silent, with his book. 

I remember being at my grandma's house and playing tag and, Drake wasn't always the fastest person so when he'd be it, he couldn't catch anyone so he'd just go inside and talk with my grandma and the game was basically over when he got tagged. I wish I would have slown down just the littlest bit to let him "get" me. I wish I would have played more Smash Bros with him. Fuck, even recently I was still an idiot to him. He wanted to play CoD (Call of Duty 2019) all the time and I played a lot with him, but I should have just said yes to whatever match he wanted to play or whatever, and I still brushed him off because I had plans with friends online, or I wanted to watch Mage's stream, or what the fuck ever. Why the fuck am I like this? I know it's human nature to take things for granted, but I take it to the extreme end, and it sucks.

I basically look up to Drake and Joel now, as weird as it is for an older brother to look up to his younger brothers. They can drive, they have well-paying official jobs. They can DO stuff. They're awesome people, and I wish I was like them. And, I laugh to myself, because before, even Joel wanted to be like me as a kid, much less Drake, at one point or another. But now I want to be like them. Have my life together and be a functional adult, and I don't know how. I can't even garner a fucking attention span to do something I don't want to be doing for like, ten minutes.

They're super cool and I'm just the lame-ass retarded brother in the basement everyone makes fun of. I'm "the dog", which is what Joel called me basically during the week I was hanging at his place while we were waiting for electricity to come back at Linda's. I'm just the useless head on a stick.

I remember us living in Naperville in those shitty apartments. I remember seeing home movies from those apartments, and in my grandma's old Wheaton house.

I've had a really shitty week. From Mage being an ass to me to increasing numbers of thoughts about all of this stuff and how shit of a person I am, missing buses and just being alone in my room all the time, having the most minimal amount of money possible so I never feel financially safe (which will continue for a while I am sure) like I thought I wouldn't be when I had a job.

All I'd have to do is go buy a rope, wait until Linda is gone, and straight up hang myself from a tree outside. Or just slip a knife right through the ribs. Though I think hanging might be preferable. Still can't fucking do it anyway, so it doesn't fucking matter. Being a wimpy waste of space sucks. I've actually been trying to work out, unsuccessfully with push-ups and ... half-sit-ups cause I'm fat. But I only do them when people spend points in my channel while I'm streaming. I tried to buy a weighted yoga mat or whatever today but Target didn't have any of that stuff anymore, since I wanted to exercise outside of streaming, but, eh, whatever.

It's all pointless. I'm just trying to get by and eventually there will be a time where no one can help me anymore. I know my dad doesn't want to even help me anymore. I have no one else to ask except in an emergency, and even then that money pool is very limited. I think when that time comes I'll probably off myself then, maybe I'll have enough balls to do it. I'll just be a weight off everyone's shoulders. As much as I wish I was right now. I legitimately wish every day that some rando on the street would just gun me down for being white or what the fuck ever, I don't even care. All I want is to stop being a burden, but no matter how much I try to dredge myself out of the hole, it just collapses back in on me and I just lay there, stuck.

I guess I'm going to bed hungry since I decided to type this post instead of eat this meal in front of me. Shit I haven't actually eaten an "edible" meal in weeks. Linda made corned beef but she didn't cook it long enough and it's not great. The first time was really good, but this time wasn't great.

I literally want to die. I am just the worst person in my own life. I'm gonna go throw this food out and eat a cheese stick, and go to bed. Gotta get up for work in the morning, wew. 

All I want to do is make it up to them, and I'll never, ever be able to. God. Damn it. All.

Dream

 Another dream about her.

This time we were at some sort of lakehouse, and we were walking back from a convieneince store, and she spotted one of her friends in a parking lot so we went to go talk to them. Then they invited us to a BBQ they were having so we said sure. So we went and then I guess she knew everyone there (1 dude and like 3 other girls including the friend). So we hung out there for a little while and she went off with them to do her thing and I just got left on a bench. I don't even remember what I did, I think time skipped forward. Eventually I guess I had to go to work (at Circle K). But I was still worried she would cheat and I didn't want to go, so I ended up being an hour late. And then we talked about it (she was laying on a mattress that was just randomly outside, dreams are weird man) and I finally left for work. And the whole walk to work I was just thinking "what ifs" and there was another part of me that was like "no she wouldn't" (I guess timeline wise this would have been after the events in 2014 or whatever) and my brain was like "but she did the thing before" and the other part of me was like "nah it'll be cool"

And then I fucking woke up because fuck that shit. Insecurities are ass man, even if you talk to the person about them, they don't go away, because human free will is a thing so they could just be lying their ass off. Which for many years I'm pretty sure she was, but whatever. That's not a conversation I want to have here, nor there, anymore. When I explained a bunch of stuff she did though, Joel agreed with me, so I'm pretty sure like 4/5 years we were together it was cheat city. And he's had way more experience with women than me. Like hundreds of lays/relationships. Meanwhile I've had 1 relationship and hundreds of Lays chips huehuehuehuepleasekillmeIbegyou

The dreams are becoming super spaced out and I rarely have them anymore. I just wish I could remove any memory of her completely, it's so tiring and it just ruins a good day. She's gone, I'm not gonna see her again, and I don't friggin' want to. Ugh. I'm done with women, brain, pleeeease stoooop. It's been probably almost idk, 7 years since I've been around a woman my age/got laid. I remember I told Joel that and he was like "the fuck? How?" lol. It's easy when you're me. It's so easy.

I also had another dream where I was late for my current job and I was freakin' out lol. The other day I got scheduled at 8 but the buses didn't start running until 10 (Sunday) so the whole time I was sitting at home on edge waiting for the buses to start. Then that night I had that dream and I woke up and was like, frozen in fear in my bed because I was like "oh god what if I'm super late right now" and it was really like 2 AM so my butthole relaxed and I went back to sleep.

I enjoy my current job but having to depend on someone else's times (read: bus routes) sucks, and I hate doing it. But I'm not walking an hour to get to work every day, so.

My buddy sent me $50...

 And I sent it back to him on paypal and told him I don't deserve it.

He said he just wanted to give it to me, which, knowing him, is probably true. I'm kicking myself because I legit don't have enough money to get through 2 weeks without asking for help from my dad and I turn down $50 for free from a friend because I "don't deserve it". Does that mean I have empathy? I dunno. I just know $50 is a lot to throw around.

I was raised on everything being an exchange. If someone gave me money, it'd just come back to bite me in the form of "WELL THAT ONE TIME I GAVE YOU $X AND..." etc. So I just stopped. Even now I have to pay my dad back for stuff he's helping me with (bus fare, food, etc). I am so unfamiliar with anything having no strings attached that I just feel BAD for taking anything without doing anything for the person. Running total is like $250 now, sidenote for me I guess.

So now I lose out on $25 bucks because I refunded the money and he just gave me $25 bucks instead.

Man this week sucks. 

* My brother stops talking to me because I left his place on his bday because I just didn't feel like going through hearing them fucking bang, I already have shitty trauma from that shit and I don't want to hear it at all, much less them talking about having sex. Thanks Haley, you fucking sack of shit for taking advantage of free rent and sexing up some dudes on the internet even though you knew I wanted to get back together. Yes I'm still fucking salty, and probably always fucking will be. FUCK IT. $400 a month for you to get your freak on on world of warcraft and not take care of ANY chores in the house, no rent, nothing, because I WAS A SIMP. Not even any fucking SEX.

* I just decide to have empathy for free gifts when I'd usually snatch em up. My friend makes like 1000000000% more than I do and I just have to be like "no, too much money to give a poor man". I'm fucking retarded.

* I had to walk home today because the stupid first bus was late so I missed my connecting bus (and still made it home faster walking than if I had taken the bus). And this is probably going to happen a lot, more often than not. I can't wait to get fucking shot walking home at 10 PM at night through fucking Bellwood.

I'm just tired of existing, man. I'm tired of having needs I can't fucking afford. I'm tired of eating once a day. I'm just so tired. And now I have to put that 25 on my bus pass for work too, so I can't even fucking afford more food. I just feel like I'm stretching myself so fucking thin, man. It doesn't help I have zero people to talk to about anything now because (and I can't blame them) no one has a sense of empathy anymore because everyone just has to look out for themselves nowadays. Shit, I do the same goddamn thing. But it gets heavy sometimes. Really heavy.

Is it bad I imagined ordering out with that $50 and then immediately felt bad for it because there's better things I should be spending it on, like a new pair of shoes because I got a blowout in one of my shoes? (a hole) Or another pack of meat and cheese. Or maybe another black polo to wear to work instead of the same one every day?

I'm fucking starving and I haven't eaten all day and I have to wait until closer to bedtime to eat. I'm just sobbing rn. Fuck life, man. Fuck it all.

Why.

 So today (the 19th) was Joel's birthday. I had to stay at his house last night so they would have time to do stuff they needed to do today. So I've literally been at joel's place for the equiv of like almost 2 weeks basically.

Today started off with dropping Joel off at work and then going with his gf to get stuff for his party. The entire time she's complaining, "Oh, I didn't get jack shit from him for MY birthday" blah blah blah, Then she sees his snapchat and sees a bunch of girls are wishing him happy birthday and the responses he gives to the girls are a little more... forward  than the post he put up with his GF in it, so she starts crying in the car when she sees this. Oh, and I guess she thinks he's fucking our cousin or something. Far be it from me to determine someone's sex life.

And then literally all fucking day both of them are complaining about having ZERO money. His GF takes ALL of her savings out to decor his room for the "party" and buys him $60 Converse shoes to replaces his Converse shoes that are still wearable... like what the fuck. They're just fucking dirty, deal with it dude wtf?

And then we chill for a while and then go to some fancy steakhouse where the whole time I'm just like "I should not be here because she can't even afford this frieakin stuff" so I order a fucking calimari fucking appetizer only to eat while they ordered some expensive fuckin ass dishes. Joel got a huge steak and a potato and carrots and she got a huge piece of chicken and some other stuff on her plate, idk. And I got CALIFUCKINMARI.

So now she's absolutely broke and Joel has to help her with all her finances. Meanwhile during the day today Joel is broke as fuck as well, and he orders mcdonalds for himself in the morning when we took him to work, and Culvers for himself after we pick him up from work. Meanwhile I haven't basically eaten much in 48 hrs and we just sit in a car while he eats some food.

And now I have no money because I had to ask my dad for $40 to get home (luckily he gave me $45 because the ride was 41) so that ate the rest of my cash, so now I'm not going to have anything to eat. Oh yeah, and Joel and his gf bought a bottle of henessey and malibu on the way back home from the steak place. And the whole time I had to have my map up because these two fucking social media obsessed fucks have to be scrolling through their damn feeds every minute of every fucking day. Dude with how many times I got cut off when i was talking to them, either of them, or just no one listening to me at all... I can't man. I fucking cant. 

Good thing I left so I don't have to hear them fucking banging upstairs. I also fucking hate how they talk about fucking banging and shit around me. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT SHIT. I wouldn't even care if I WAS in a relationship, I still wouldn't want to fucking hear it. I think about that shit all the fucking time now and it's just gross.

Oh, yeah, and apparently I'm like their weird ass "son" and or "dog" to them just because what, I have a bunch of free time? Joel literally called me a dog because I just enjoy being in the car with him and talking to him and stuff. And the more I thought about it, the more it just fucking offends the fuck out of me. Like dude, I have fucking feelings, you fucking asshat. I hate having people take care of me. I hate having people spend money on me. Why do you think I try and get the absolute minimum if we're hanging out? I'm not a dog or a fucking child, I'm a fucking person.

Today on the car ride to different places with his GF she was like "man you've been so cooperative today!" or etc whatever, and I was like "Thanks for referring to me like I'm a child," in a joking tone but holy fuck dude seriously they treat me like I'm a fucking 8 year old. Literally no one told me to bring a polo for the nice restaurant so I didn't and we had to stop at goodwill to get me a button-down shirt that I literally FELT eight years old in.

I just can't hang out with them anymore man. Apparently not being in a relationship makes me less of a man and more of a kid? Idk? And they just use me as a middleman to tell each other things they don't like the other person is doing. Like dude, motherfucker, YOU ARE ADULTS. I am here to chill and have a good fucking time but they're just condescending as fuck to me and I'm SO TIRED OF PEOPLE BEING CONDESCENDING TO ME. I'M DONE WITH IT. I'M LITERALLY DONE. I can't hang out with them until they sort their shit out, I can't talk to Linda, Drake, no one.

I thought I found someone to talk to in Joel and his GF but it turns out they're the same. I appreciate what Joel's helped me with a lot including letting me stay at his place but the fat jokes, talking about me being fat, talking about me being a dog, a child, using me as a go-between/emotional tampon or whatever for BOTH of them, the just... body harassment joel does to me, it's just like being bullied, basically.

I'm on my own again, I guess. Thanks for everything, Joel. Ghost of Tsushima was cool, all the meals were great, but holy hell I'm just so stressed and frayed all the time man, since I started hanging out with y'all. Y'all gotta get your damn shit together before I can hang out again. And I'm gonna be working most weekends now so, oh well.

I'm going to bed. Finally. In my comfy twin bed. FUCK.

Jesus fahckin' christ

This got removed from /r/mgtow2 for god knows why, so I'll just put it up here instead. Yesterday was hell wrapped in a burrito.

 Tl;dr: hang out w my brother and his gf, brother and I get drunk, he becomes asshole to gf, we almost die in the carbon the highway due to gf crying, I get to stay up all night with something in his apartment while they bang upstairs.

I gotta stop hanging out with these idiots.

So my brother, me and his gf all went out to eat and stuff, everything is well and good, they're having a good time as am I, etc. He's the only member of my family who is some semblance of normal, so I don't mind chilling with him and his gf.

However, he decides he wants to go get effed up drinking, so we go to Dave and Buster's to just have fun and fuck around, whatever. He gets some tokens and a 3 wristbands for us to play the 'free games' and we drink and stuff. However I did not know this, but apparently my brother is a huge asshole when he's drunk off his rocker.

To me, this is no big deal. I'm a dude, he ribs me, I rib him back, whatever. To his girlfriend, he treats her like a "bro" even though I've repeatedly told him not to because she's mentioned to me she doesn't enjoy that kind of interaction with him. But he said some "bro joking" stuff to her after she failed at making a shot in some ball throwing game and it soured the rest of the night for her. Y'all know. Not talking, storming off, crying, etc. He was also mad that she want to the bathroom so many times (like 3 times in a 2 hr timespan) and he just automatically thinks she's cheating on him I guess. Is the conclusion he came to in his head.

So on the way home my brother keeps asking her, "WHY ARE YOU MAD I JUST BLEW 200 FUCKING DOLLARS FOR YOU TO HAVE A GOOD TIME", which to me is a valid point but he doesn't understand that even if you good-naturedly rib someone with some "you suck at everything" jabs, some people take it personally despite just being like "it was a joke" or whatever. So she's in the car, driving and crying and just saying "I'm sorry" over and over and he's just flying off the handle about him spending money and her dad saying he's a piece of shit (he doesn't dress well casually in my opinion, more like one of those 'gangsta' types minus the baggy pants' and a bunch of other shit that she should not have told him probably, and she's crying and I'm just in genuine fear for my life because I can barely see through tears much less how she was sobbing. So I was like "Pull the fuck over, now." and she pulled over on the highway and I tried to let them hash it out a little, and then I could tell it was getting absolutely nowhere, so I was like, "Okay, [brother], you, me, outside the car".

So we got out while she's crying sitting in the car, and I just try to tell him "I understand you blew a bunch of money tonight, and that she is not drunk (she had a few but was coherent very much) but that doesn't detract from what you said to her." and he just goes "It was a joke bro. " and I said "I know that, and you know that, but to her, everything that comes out of your mouth is how you feel about her, whether or not you label it as a joke afterwards. That's just how a lot of women work." and we spoke for like 20 minutes out in the rain, me letting him vent and me deflecting back at him, trying some active listening techniques I've learned and things like that.

We went back up the hill to the car (I had to take him away from the car because he kept gesturing to her in the car and being like "she's not even drunk dude") and he went to open the door and I closed it quick and said "We both know you need her to drive you around, so I wouldn't suggest breaking up yet, but you guys definitely need to talk. But for now, just shut up, don't say anything, and we'll get back to your place and y'all can talk." so that's what he did. We're both drenched sitting in the car and she's driving, calmed down mostly, and then she just starts GOING "YOU'RE GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME AREN'T YOU?!" and just keeps talking about that over and over. So finally about 10 minutes of this goes by and I say "We can talk about this at his place, just keep driving." and she shuts up for a little and then goes right back into it. My brother doesn't say shit.

So I keep interjecting with "Talk about it when we get there" etc. My brother still says nothing. I'm legit proud of him. But my brother's phone has the directions on and I guess she thinks that the directions turned off or something? So she gets on her phone (while driving and it's pitch black out and her phone brightness is 100%...) and she tries to pull up the directions back to his place, but instead of flicking her eyes to the road, she just watches her phone and the car is drifting, and a wheel crosses the white line on the right side (we were in the rightmost lane so there was nothing there I could see, I assumed gravel) and I yell "ROAD! And we smack a guardrail and my brother just absolutely goes off." You're such a dumb bitch, why were you looking at your phone, I have the directions up right now, what the fuck" etc. And she just falls back into the tirade of "I'm sorry" again. I have to keep telling my brother to just go back to being quiet because nothing he says is gonna make a difference right then.

So we get back and I get out of the car and go lay down on the grass after that entire shitty ordeal they talk in the car and then go inside, he tells me to chill on the couch so I'm like "whatevs".

So now I get to just sit here all night and listen to them bang I guess. 7 more hours... I wish I had enough money for a lyft home. Oh and their apartment has something... Large. Crawling around in it but I can't find it with my phone light, and I'm not sure if I want to know or not what it is, so I'm freakin out.

Didn't even get to enjoy being drunk because I was playing "relationship handler" the whole time. But I get where he's coming from in the car because I used to think extremely straightforwardly like that too until I went through some shit and had a lot of mental trauma/time to myself. I don't wanna be a relationship counselor, I just wanna hang out.

And the shittiest part is they both tell me shit they don't want to ask or tell each other. So I have to middleman-communicate it to the other one and I'm just like... Jesus guys you're fucking adults. Talk to each other. But he can't talk to her about anything because she just apparently flies into hysterical rages if he tries to get advice or just talk to her about something in the relationship, and she doesn't wanna talk to him about anything because he just takes everything literally.

Women are weird, man. Every time I hang out with my brother and her it just reaffirms that I'm never doing that shit again. And that I'm doing the right thing, going monk mode. I don't hate women but goddamn I'm so done with this bullshit after tonight's fucking SHENANIGANS. I'm laying it out tomorrow morning for him.

Man I'm tired of being third wheel. Pun not intended (but lol)

 Man, friggin third wheeling all the time with Joel sucks. I love being around him (him being the only functional family I have) but if his girlfriend is there it just gets... weird. Like they talk about banging and stuff all the time. Which is fine, we're all adults, and I don't really care, but nights like tonight really take the cake. I just hate being a burden to people. I'm probably gonna stop hanging out with him.

Today I brought my PS4 to his house to show him Ghost of Tsushima and I had him play Fall Guys for a little and Ghost and stuff. And we were running around for a while all day. So we're going into the house after going to her place to get her insulin, and she just asks Joel "Hey we're gonna bang later right?" and immediately I was like, mentally, "that's my cue to exit", but I didn't say anything. Then his "sober" GF decided to go buy some alcohol from the gas station down the street, so she bought a tall Whiteclaw (basically alcoholic bubbly water with strong fruit flavors) and drank half of it in a short amount of time, and then complained that "it didn't feel good" and started crying. I was planning to stay for quite a while, but we had to go get food for her from McDonalds to soak up the alcohol in her system.

I can't blame Joel for having a gf, because it's what he wants. But I'm really tired of third wheeling and having him pay for me for everything and stuff. It feels bad man. Just even thinking about it makes me cry. I'm just a useless burden to everyone, and I hate it. I hate it so much. He wouldn't have had to take me home with his sick gf in the car if I wasn't there and his night wouldn't have been shit on by having to drive me two hours.

I shoulda just stayed home and played MHW with Mage and crew. I was playing Ghost of Sushi and so many people in that game just off themselves with a big sharp Tanto or whatever they're called and I'm just like... man I wish I had the willpower to do that. Just slice open muh guts and game over, man. No one has to deal with me anymore, and I don't have to be homeless.

The other day I was trying to figure out how to absolutely hang myself, which would be doable with trees in the backyard I guess, come to think of it. Knowing me I'd get a chair and get it set up and thread my head through the noose and then decide not to, and then fuck up and knock the chair over and off myself accidentally lolol. I'm just tired of being picked up to do anything, being driven around, having people pay for my stuff. I'd rather go hungry at this point. I mean if they're OFFERING straight up I'm not gonna say no, but I'll just feel really bad about it afterwards. But I'm just so tired of people helping me. Er, "helping" I guess. I hate it so much. I appreciate everything Joel's done for me though, like today he took me down to the DG and I got my job approved there, so I can start back up there again for a job, so, that's good. But... I dunno. Still, being driven around sucks. I guess I'd feel better if I got to pay for gas once in a while, or toss $5 in or something. And maybe buying my own dishes when we go out to eat, I dunno. That still doesn't solve the earlier "third wheel" issue, so...

I guess I'll just stop hanging out with Joel then. He had the idea to go to Georgia today to visit our Dad but his girlfriend talked him out of it, which, not gonna lie, I was kinda mad at lol. I'd love to go see my dad one of these weekends, have a surprise visit. But she was worried about her parents knowing where she was (but y tho, she's 23 or whatever?) so we didn't go. Kind of a wacky thought to begin with I guess though, a stretch, so, eh.

I dunno. I'll never have enough willpower to off myself so the next best thing I can do is stop hanging out with Joel. It's probably for the best since his GF seems to just wanna jump his bones all the time too, so. He really needs to save his cash for a new car anyway lol. /shrug

Off to see if Mage is streaming, if not, I guess I'll stream MHW or something, idk.

Talking about life with Joel.

So Joel picked me up after work today (I quit the factory job, called Dollar General and Subway while I was there. I am so sore right now, it sucks. I can't work 11 hour fucking days hunched over the line.) and we went to Dennys. I got 169 dollars or so left over (I think I'm still waiting on that Amazon return) so when that comes back I'll probably just give Linda 200 bucks and say that's all I got for rent, take it or leave it cause it leaves me with 9 dollars.




Aaaand as soon as I started writing this, I just had a 3 hour discussion with Joel about him and his gf and their relationship. I wish I had more experience with relationships because I’m literally grasping at straws here lol. I hope I helped him a little bit at least. I wish I knew why he thinks I’m a good source of help because I am really not, IMO. But I guess he doesn't really have anyone else to go to being in a 'position of power' in his company, leaves him with no one to really talk to. I did try to help him to the best of my ability though, but yeah his girlfriend is definitely a blank slate. Good looking, but definitely 'trophy girlfriend' material, not anything with "substance" as he told me.




Off to play Ghost of Tsushima I guess or something.

New job.

Well, I worked at Dollar General for a week, and then immediately picked up a new job at a factory down the street. Holy hell it's easy work lol. Today all I did was move bread from trays to tables. Loaves of bread. ezpzlemonsqueezy. Tomorrow I'll probably be assigned a different station? Who knows. I should actually be asleep right now, otherwise I'm only getting like 5 hours of sleep or less. I took the sleeping pills too late, ugh. And I'm still not tired, but I'm forcing myself to go to sleep.

I sold my macbook to my brother for 300 dollars and I'm already almost out of money :( 3 hundo sure goes fast. I have some left though for food, but I should get paid from DG this week so hopefully I have enough for rent. If not I'll have to ask Joel to help me out and I don't think he's really willing to do that (but he should be since the going price for that macbook was literally 1k to 1.2k dollars on ebay...) but we'll see.

He also traded me his Chromebook for it as well which I am writing this on right now. Man I don't want any hard jobs at the factory, I just want to do bread all day every day. I was literally made for that shit. I'm getting paid 11.30 an hour there and today I got sent home early cause one of the lines broke down (seniority gets to stay over new people). So I'll probably be getting sent home a lot this week? Dunno.

I guess I should try and get some sleep. Maybe I'll just say fuck it and stay up though. SPUR OF THE MOMENT ACTION!

weird dream.

So today when I was sleeping I had an odd dream. Post-apoc maybe? Er, apoc anyway.

I dreamt that I guess all of a sudden people started turning just… into werewolves. For some people, the change took time, for others, it was almost instantaneous.

My dream was in a random house (not the one I’m in right now, a lot nicer actually lol) and it was just me and a bunch of other people. No one I knew, just me. Normally this would cause me to have a little anxiety but right then, I didn’t care, I just wanted to be safe. So I went into this house and after people stopped filtering in, I shut the door.

I don’t remember much after that except for the fact that my little brother came into the dream at some point and also the 60/yo landlord living here currently did as well to talk about a tank I bought? Too much War Thunder lol.

Anyway at some point in the dream I was at the back door maybe a few hours after the initial “changing” in people, so anyone who was gonna change would have been changed by then, and I was letting people in and stuff. Basically telling them “you can’t stay here but you can rest” since we were basically jam packed with people and tensions were high. For some reason during that point in the dream I was deathly focused on getting a nail to lock the screen door hinge so werewolves couldn’t break in. Maybe just stress getting to me at the time or something in the dream. Always feels good to work with your hands when you’re stressed, even if it’s something like that. To have a small goal, to feel in-control, etc.

For some reason I remember another scene where some kids were being loaded onto a bus from the house and I just remember another kid looking at me and waving from the bus, and I waved to him and smiled, and then the bus took off super fast.

That was it, I think. I don’t like werewolf movies or paraphernalia, I don’t like any of that stuff related to werewolves. I’m not sure what the f caused me to dream about that. Maybe me crying last night after reading a reddit post and replying to it that I wish my dad would tell me he’s proud of me even though I’ve done nothing to be proud of except graduate high school? I’m not sure how that connects to the dream though, and it may not, but I dunno. The human mind is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Mmmm… wraps.

ugh... people

As an aside I wish people would STOP BUFFING ME IN EVERQUEST I DIDN'T ASK FOR BUFFS FUCKING STOP I DONT WANT YOUR SHITTY INTERACTION. I tried to have someone speak with me after buffing me and I just ran away because I didn't know what the fuck to do. I removed the buffs too. People keep buffing me and I don't want it. I DONT WANT ANY INTERACTION FUCKING HELL

Well, this post was going to be about something else that I may include later, but:

I’ve recently been watching an anime called Oreimo, and it’s about a brother and sister that “generally”? get along. But the brother finds out that his sister plays basically R-18 sexual games featuring little girls or whatever (lolicon stuff etc) but it’s her hobby so he’s like “whatever I’ll support you” and helps her with life and stuff. She runs two separate lives which are being an otaku and hanging out with her otaku friends, and being a model and hanging out with her friends there. “Wacky hijinks ensue” more or less.

However, I’m on the second season now and her brother gets together with one of her otaku friends who basically confesses to him that she loves him before summer break started. So he thinks about it for a day and then is like “okay lets date” and they date through summer. Then you have the stereotypical “last days of summer” thing with the fireworks and the festival and stuff. However this girl has chunibyo (spelling?) “syndrome” which basically means she likes to imagine she lives in a fantasy world inside her own head and project that onto real life. She also does cosplay for some dark gritty anime or whatever. So in this section of the anime the brother finds that she has a book she carries with her that she writes her wishes down in and a lot of them were doing stuff with him. So they go do stuff together and then the festival thing happens. And as the festival fireworks were going off I was like to myself, “aaaaaaaand she’s gonna drop him like a hot potato”, and then the next scene shows him asking what’s next for them, and she says “this” and opens the book and it says “break up with senpai” and I was like HAH CALLED IT BIIIIIIIIITCH

 

Anyway, just my “man to woman awareness” callouts being right again.

 

But earlier tonight Mage played through Blackwell (I think that was the name of the game) which is some supernatural thing about some random girl helping ghosts pass on or something. However after that we got to discussing what classes we were going to play for our Friday Everquest night in a couple days though I daresay we may group up tomorrow? Not sure. But so we had our roles down: I was DPS (Rogue), Mage was healer (Cleric), Nosferatu was DPS (Monk), Geigen was tank (Dark Knight), and Phantom was DPS as well, I forgot what class he was playing though.

So it went fine, but we all made zero money because we were basically just killing animals and rolling on drops for stuff to sell, so a lot of the loot got split between us of course. However tonight mage was complaining about that fact and how slow we leveled (I leveled 5 characters over the weekend up to today to level 5, 2 to level 6) and he was saying he wanted to level to 5 or 6 and then group up to go into Crushbone which is basically an open-world dungeon, as the EQ veteran Nosferatu put it. So after the last session for the upcoming session Mage wanted to do what I previously stated, but he started asking if anyone wanted to be any other roles. And I took that as he didn’t want to heal, he wanted to play a mage. Which was fine. And before that, Geigen said he was bringing his Druid as DPS/Offheals instead, so then we were down a tank. But I have a Paladin at level 6 which is where our group left off, so I was just like “well I can tank, I have the level 6 pally” and I had streamed for 5 hours that day and complained that I didn’t like the paladin, that it was too slow (and tbh after playing some spellcasters, yeah, it’s way too slow and non-interactive. You get no DPS spells and you just smack shit with your weapon and hope you win and maybe toss in a blind spell or two) and he kept bringing that up, and I had to just be like “Look, I just want to play with you guys and fill a role that’s needed for us to level together.” I mean we can’t all be DPS cause we need a tank (esp for Crushbone) and a healer.

However mage was stressing the importance of CC, so now we have Phantom (Warrior tank), Nos (Enchanter CC), Geigen (Druid), Mage (Magician), me (Cleric). So we basically all swapped roles lol. But it took us literally 3 hours of discussion (and I think Mage was just trolling the whole time being like “Setari wanted to change classes” and I was just fuming the whole time lol) but I don’t think Mage really understands that he’s the star of the show. We’re here to play with him and watch him do stuff and we’re just around for HIM, not so much what he’s playing. But a lot of the regular crew do jump at the chance to play with him in video games, which I’m almost always a shoo-in for unless I don’t have the game, so. But I just wanted him to say what he wanted to play and then the rest of us would just “pick up the pieces” as it were to make a solid group out of that. It also was mentioned that the non-multi-boxing server was freed up from the queue, so we changed over to that server and started our new roles there as well as listed at the top of this paragraph.

It was infurating to not have a decision made in a couple minutes and to be honest I feel like I was kind of gaslighted and now I think that I complained about classes because I legitimately don’t remember what I said. I was okay with filling a role for the group because it wouldn’t be boring playing with them, just solo play as a paladin is slow as heck. But with a  group it’d be fun. But now I was forced into a healer role which I actually legitimately don’t want to play but… I’m not having that discussion again. I’ll suck it up.

Mixer is dead.

Mixer is dead.

Over the last two days, a person on twitter came out and said that someone had told them they were only hired to meet a “diversity quota”, and that they were in a meeting where someone described streamers as “slaves”, and with them being black… not cool. The experience was reported to a skip-level manager who proceeded to do nothing about it, so they went to Mixer’s legal team about the supervisor who said the racist statements, as well as the supervisor basically telling them to “suck it up, bitch”. There are so many more metaphors that could have been used and thinking of streamers as “slaves” is not a good thing.

Basically one of the big shots calling the shots on the platform is incredibly racist and doesn’t treat people equally. It’s also a woman so YKNOW THAT’S SOME TRUE SHIT HEAHEHAHAA. She also got no repercussions for saying what she did to the employee. What a load of horseshit.

And then in conjunction with that coming out, Mixer decided to basically sell their platform to Facebook (read: Microsoft sold the Mixer platform to Facebook). So everyone who put work into their streams, their communities, their setups, everything about the streams: gone. As soon as it was announced, people were streaming them setting up their Twitch pages to help their community know where they were going, or setting up other pages, etc. I really wanted to just stream some hentai and be like “fuck it” but I really can’t be assed to set up a stream on my bot account lol.

Down to the meat of the matter, Mage’s community that I’m a part of. This man was crying on stream. This man poured so much of his heart and soul into this platform believing it could have been something. YA COULDA BEEN A CONTENDAH! Against Twitch. But no, they basically fucked everyone over. And Mage started Firebot, which MANY streamers were using, along with development input from eBiggz and many other people including myself. And not to even speak of MixrElixr, which is useless now since BetterTwitchTV is a thing on Twitch, so the entire project has to be dropped to the floor since BTTV is basically MixrElixr.

God I’m so pissed. I’m so pissed at the fact that a corporation thinks it’s okay to uproot many people’s lives and communities online and shove them into one of the most toxic places on the internet (Twitch). It’s absolutely terrible and all those shitty execs need to come down with a case of COVID-19 and get fucked. I don’t wish death on anyone but I will when they throw away people’s hard work on a whim like that.

We still have the community ourselves, but it’s definitely feeling like an old friend has died suddenly.

Left the house today for a while.

So I went out for a while today. Joel texted me and was like "come outsiiiiide" so I was like "kay" and I guess he got a new gf who was in the car with him. She was pretty nice. We went to his new pad in Aurora (I think) and we chilled there and took turns playing Halo and GTA 5 for a while. For some reason Joel really wanted to have a beer with me so we bought some beers (read: he and his gf bought beer stuff) and we went to his place.

For some reason it was a goal of his to share a beer with me. Like... why? He's far more successful in his life than I am, he doesn't need my approval for shit much less to share a couple beers with me and chill. I really don't understand.

Anyway he got me Wendys on the way to his place and then we chilled and drank and laughed and stuff. His new gf is really on the level, but I just hope he doesn't move too quickly with her. They had only literally been together a couple days when they picked me up today I found out, so hopefully it lasts, but she seems chill and he's chill, so it should be fine hopefully. At least I've seen one of Joel's GFs now, unlike Drake who constantly talks about his "ex girlfriends" working in the FBI and CIA and shit. I still feel like he's made up a giant charade for his life and is just juggling to keep it up instead of just accepting that everyone is taking advantage of his work ethic at work and that he'll always be part of the 99% in poverty, paycheck to paycheck, etc. Temporarily embarassed millionaire status, like Linda. Ugh.

But it was a lot of fun for me to get out of the house. It didn't really feel good to have people not ask after me (Linda, Drake) since I was literally out of the house for 9 hours but whatever I guess. I'm used to it. /shrug I'm not sure why I expected anything different tbh.

Anyway, today was fun. Nice to get out of my stuffy, stressful as fuck room and house.

Back to Assassin's Creed Odyssey... Ancient Cult members UGH WHY PLS

welp

Edit a few days later: I'm okay, but I'd like to post this for posterity. Also, yes I quit my job and am looking for a new one around the house instead.

Welp I feel like I'm quitting my job today.

I'm probably just gonna chill here until they tell me to get out, then I'll just pack a bag and leave. I dunno where I'll go or what I'll do but I can't work with Drake anymore. I really can't take him making fun of me in front of other people and calling me names and stuff. And now that I am 99% sure I have adult autism based on a ton of quizzes I've taken, I'm basically fucked in the head forever. I just have so much constant rage and anger and self-hatred lately, and the intrusive thoughts, dear god, they're horrible. I just can't manage it all and I still can't off myself. Was messing with a box cutter poking my leg and christ that shit hurts lol. Can't imagine what getting stabbed for real feels like. Thought about trying to drown in the tub but I can't stand the feeling of porcelain (or whatever the tub is made out of) on my body, shit I gotta have a bath mat for my feet. Euuugh *shudders*. 

All I want is a job in IT or working with computers and I can't even get that. I can't even learn Javascript on my own because I have no attention span, and when I stop understanding what I'm reading, I just fuck off and play a video game instead.

I don't really know what I'm going to do. I have $23 (probably $43 if I refund the steam game I bought which I'll do right now) and then I'm effed basically if I'm asked to leave. This autism thing is fucking me up so bad mentally, because I finally understand why I feel the way I do, and have felt for years, but it's just letting this GIANT flood of crap fill my brain 

I feel like partly (or maybe like 75%) of this is I finally have someone to talk to through therapy and it kind of just... stirred the pot that I had just finally, for the most part, gotten to settle down. 

i.e. drake: 

My best life was in Arizona where I didn't have to worry about people bothering with me when I lived on my own and I fucking ruined it. I hate having people support me. 

Great he just came in here and tried to talk to me about it. I can't do that shit in person, I just break down crying like I am right now.He asked me if he should tell Linda and I just said I'll deal with it when it happens, about rent. I should probably just leave the night before (14th? 15th?). He was like "Do you want to go back to Arizona?" and I was just like "I have no money to live there so no" but either way if I did I'd just be homeless there instead of here. At least there the shade actually does something. Being homeless here in IL would be terrible but it's the hand I've been dealt at the moment, so. I should have just ditched everything in Arizona and just been homeless while building up money for another apartment and starting over. Maybe bringing my computer with me or something. In pieces ofc too, just leave the case there...

I wish I had never started therapy, it's made all my walls I've built over the years mentally come crumbling down and I'm just scrambling to keep up the wall that's holding the literal river dam of shit from overwhelming me, and I'm not doing a very good job of it right now.

I'll have to leave my phone here, my computer here... life is gonna be pretty boring for a while. And hard. Maybe I'll just walk into a forest and die, there's a lotta foresty areas around here. 

Welp. I guess I should pack. Won't be around for a while. Can't use the suitcase he bought me since he bought it so I'm just gonna use my bag I brought.Otherwise I'd have to use a few plastic bags, then I'd just look really homeless lolol. In a few weeks I'll just have all the dirt, muck and grime on my face of a homeless person though.

Maybe I'll leave sooner than the 14th. Idk. All I know is I need to be on my own, unaffecting people around me, and I can't do that here. I hate being "supported" like some sort of child. Which I guess mentally, I am, I just am able to move boxes... and that's about it because I'm fucking dumb as a brick.

Now I'm texting a crisis line. Idk the shit this is gonna do for me cause I'm pretty sure they just tell you what you wanna hear so you "feel better" for a while, but whatever. Maybe I'll just go play some assassin's creed and I'll leave tonight while drake is at work or something.

Man it's gon be hot out there tomorrow, fml. Sucks I'm leaving all this nice tech behind but I'm sure it'll be worth it or something like that. -insert sage advice here-

Usually I feel better after crying but I just feel like I need to get the fuck out of here. Also rent is the 11th so I've got a week to decide whether to stay or go before that shitstorm hits the fan. I'll probably go a couple days before hand or maybe say fuck it and leave tonight. Eat some food and hit the road. Should probably wash my clothes too before I go.

Eat

Wash Clothes

Pack

Sleep during day so I can leave when Drake is gone

I dunno if I should bring food or not, I don't really have any "non-perishables" I can bring so. No can opener either.

Man, I miss my apartment.

Today did not go how I wanted.

My birthday was Friday. I wanted to buy some SPECIFIC food today though, the next day, from Buona Beef in town here, and my brother just went and got me a random sandwich from there when I wanted a meatball sandwich and a chicken parm sandwich out of my own pocket.

I just feel stupid for wanting anything ever. People just do shit for me and expect me to take what they give me because "I BoUgHt iT fOr yOu". 

I ate half the sandwich and tossed the rest because I was full.

God damn it. And now we have to work Sundays again. I'm gonna ask to work only 32 hours and to have sundays off. I'm so stressed the fuck out it sucks. Just all the time. I HAVE NOTHING TO BE STRESSED ABOUT. Absolutely 0 things that matter in the long run. I'm always just stressed about finding a spider on my wall or stressed about driving or stressed about having enough money, I don't have a good mic for D&D this week and my current mic finally took a giant shit and died even though windows still says it's working so idk what the fuck is going on there. And I can't order a new one cause it's fucking 60 dollars or whatever. My only real social experience is going to be gone because I can't get a new mic.

All little tiny things that just add up to one big ball of stress. I want to chuck something into a wall -_-

Why are you running?!

SO I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING A LOT WITH MOOD SWINGS AS I'M SURE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE AWARE. I REALLY HATE WHEN I HAVE THESE AS I GET REALLY GODDAMN SHITTY WHEN I HAVE A MOOD SWING. SO I TRY NOT TO TALK TO PEOPLE BECAUSE I TEND TO SNAP AT THEM, ESPECIALLY IF I'M COMFORTABLE AROUND THEM. WHICH IS A POOR INDICATOR OF ME BEING COMFORTABLE AROUND SOMEONE. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME WHEN I'M STARTING TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH CO-WORKERS. I'D RATHER KEEP THE RIGID, PROFESSIONAL FEELING THAN BE COMFORTABLE AROUND CO-WORKERS AT WORK.

I WAS ANALYZING (IN MY OWN HEAD) WHY I WAS MAD BASED ON AN MGTOW POST I READ TODAY: https://www.reddit.com/r/MGTOW2/comments/gtd74o/a_huge_part_of_maturing_as_a_man_is_learning_to/

AND I WAS TRYING TO ASK MYSELF WHY DO I FEEL MAD? WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY TOWARDS MY BROTHER FOR EXAMPLE. HE TOLD ME CALL OF DUTY'S WARZONE HAD A DUOS MODE AND I WAS LIKE "I DON'T CARE, I'M NOT LOOKING TO PLAY WARZONE RIGHT NOW" EVEN THOUGH I HAD MENTIONED BEFORE THAT I'D PLAY WITH HIM IF THEY ADDED A DUOS MODE. I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE PLAYING CALL OF DUTY WITH HIM RIGHT NOW THOUGH. I ESPECIALLY DON'T NEED MORE FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS AND USELESSNESS RIGHT NOW. I KNOW HE JUST WANTS TO DO AN ACTIVITY WITH ME, DEEP DOWN HE'S STILL MY LITTLE BROTHER, HE'S JUST GONE THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT THAT IT'S HARDENED HIM UP A LOT, SEEMINGLY ANYWAY. YET HE STILL FUCKS AROUND WITH WOMEN... I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND THAT ONE, BUT IT'S HIS CHOICE I SUPPOSE.

THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT WHY I ALWAYS GOT MAD AT MY DAD FOR TRYING TO TALK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES WITH ME OR TRYING TO ASK ABOUT THINGS I'M DOING OR WHATEVER AND IT'S BECAUSE HE DOESN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M DOING EXACTLY. ONE OF THOSE "HEY SON, YOU WINNING THE GAME" KIND OF THINGS WHERE YOU DON'T "WIN" THE GAME, YOU'RE JUST PLAYING THE GAME OR WHATEVER. I THINK IT'S HARD FOR OLDER PARENTS TO UNDERSTAND THAT A LOT OF GAMES DON'T HAVE AN END GOAL ANYMORE AND THEY'RE MORE "ONGOING" THINGS, OR RATHER DON'T HAVE A SET OF GOALS TO ACHIEVE OR... SOMETHING. I'M NOT SURE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THAT. BUT I DID SEE AN IMAGE THE OTHER DAY THAT WAS JUST THE KID ANSWERING "YEAH IT WAS A CLOSE ONE, BUT WE WON. THANKS DAD, LOVE YOU" AND I'M JUST LIKE... WHY CAN'T I JUST FUCKING ANSWER LIKE THAT? WHY DO I HAVE TO JUST BE LIKE "ITS FINE" OR "ITS BORING" OR WHATEVER?

MY DAD WAS TRYING TO TALK TO ME ABOUT PIKMIN 4 COMING TO THE SWITCH AND MY BRAIN AUTOMATICALLY JUST... DISREGARDS HIM BECAUSE I'M JUST LIKE "HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT", BUT WE BOTH LIKED THE PIKMIN GAMES SO HE'S JUST TRYING TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING HE KNOWS I LIKED TO PLAY. HE DOESN'T PLAY RPG GAMES, HE WON'T AND DOESN'T ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE BEHIND THEM, SO I CAN'T ACTUALLY HAVE HIM GET INTO IT OR ANYTHING, YKNOW? I DUNNO.

AND THEN I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY THERAPY SESSIONS AND HOW THEY'RE SO FUCKING SHORT. LIKE THEY'RE JUST 45 MINUTES FROM NOON TO 12:45 PM AND THAT'S IT. IT'S BARELY ENOUGH TIME TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.AND ALL I WANNA DO IS JUST POUR MY EXPERIENCES OUT TO THE THERAPIST ON DIFFERENT TOPICS BUT AT THIS POINT I DON'T THINK THERAPY IS REALLY HELPING THAT MUCH UNFORTUNATELY. BUT IT'S ONLY BEEN 3 SESSIONS SO FAR, SO I HAVE TO GIVE IT SOME MORE TIME. MAYBE AFTER 10 OR MORE SESSIONS IF I DON'T SEE IMPROVEMENT WITH MY MOOD/ATTITUDE, I'LL LOOK FOR A DIFFERENT THERAPIST, I DUNNO. SHE'S NICE ENOUGH BUT THERE'S NO REAL "STRUCTURE" TO THE VISITS, THERE'S NO "STAYING ON TOPIC" BECAUSE I KEEP JUMPING TOPICS, AND IT'S ANNOYING TO SAY THE LEAST, BUT I'M THE ONE DOING IT, SO... IT'S MY FAULT.

fuggit imma go back to watching space force and playing AC:O maybe

Third-wheeling & trapped in place.

Been thinking about posting this for a while, just haven't had enough "brain time" to get around to it I guess. And then I decide to write when I'm supposed to be sleeping for work in 7 hours. Whoooo.

I feel like an absolute third wheel in everyone's lives, even in situations where third wheel wouldn't apply. Like I'm just along for the ride in everyone else's life instead of living my own life. This is probably contributed by the fact that I can't drive anywhere or do anything for myself in this podunk town. And my brother has to drive me to work all the time, because I can't get there myself.

Today I got an interview offer from someone that's 20 minutes away from the way my brother works, also in the opposite direction, and I can't take it because he works a second job where he goes directly from his main job to his secondary job, and I can't depend on our older family friend to take us that lives with us because she's "afraid to drive at night". Yet she goes into Chicago every Friday night... -_-

So I've been job hunting for nothing. I've gotten a ton of interview requests that the family friend shoots down or I have to shoot down myself because I'd have no way to get there, and it sucks.

So now I'm just stuck lifting 90lb boxes for the rest of my life I guess.

I don't really know what would have happened if I'd just stayed in Tucson and kept my other job. I'd probably just be homeless and using the work showers to bathe with 1 suitcase with my PC in it and a couple changes of clothes or something. At least I'd be doing work I like though, not this fucking BS crap. I think about that a lot too. Just "what would I be doing in Tucson if I was still there" kinda stuff. I know I'd be homeless but at least I still would have had a job I liked doing, even if it was frustrating as all hell to deal with Telstra and their idiotic setup, but still... ugh. I miss working on a computer. I miss doing "IT" work. I miss chatting about video games with people or just talking to people, man. I don't talk to anyone but Drake at work. Rarely another dude that works with Drake and I right now but when everything ramps back up again it's just going to be me, myself and I in my own little shitty hellscape of a nightmare inside my own mind again.

I can't wait to be incapacitated in some way, shape or form so I can just blow my own head off, cause then I'll at least have a reason to. 

Well, while I was writing this my dad thought of the fact that I could just work Wednesday to Monday nights at the place and have Tuesday/Wednesday off because of my brother's work at BP. I was limiting myself to having the weekend off. The only thing is I'd probably have to cut my D&D sessions short but at this point it's doing that or suffering with this job, so I'll take the thing that's making me money over the former of having fun at home, unfortunately.

Still trapped, though. :(

My own money...

So I got my cvirus check and ordered drake and I a fridge, and I bought a game or two and still have some money left over. Not a lot but enough to order some food if I wanted.

Unfortunately Drake tends to yell at me for ordering food even if I try to order food for him as well. I am just so tired of pizza rolls but I really don't have the energy to cook.

I went upstairs to ask Linda if she wanted to go out to pick up some food and she was like "well I'd have to get ready..." and that takes fuckin 3 hours so I was like fuggit I'll just shove some pizza rolls into my stomach and not order food.

Drake was telling me he wanted me to order him a gun he wanted back since he had to sell it to help me (which again I never asked for) and he just hangs all this shit over my head all the time and I hate it. This is the only time I'll have money to buy the gun for him. I guess while we're out today I'll pull the money out for him. I'll have ~ 300 dollars left over.

I hate having all these debts to everyone. Oh yeah I gotta pay jake back too, so I'll have ~150 left over then I guess. Man every time I have a nice windfall of cash it just goes down the damn drain. Fuck.

I think something is happening with Jake, but...

... I can't pin it down. He's wanting to co-op a lot more and has bought me literally 3 games to co-op in which I'm extremely uncomfortable with considering the dude has a family he should be dropping that money on instead. I'm in no need of video games as I'm still working on FF7R and Octopath on my Switch. I didn't even really talk with him about 2 of the games, Last Oasis he just bought after we reviewed some gameplay footage because he wanted to be a sand pirate lel. But the game was boring to me so we dropped it. Well, I dropped it, he played and got to the Hard maps in the game, I dunno if he still plays it or not.

Then he bought me the Warhammer Inquisitor: Martyr set with all the dlc for like 16 bucks so we could play that together. Ever since playing Warhammer Chaosbane (an isometric RPG) with a controller, playing isometrics with a controller is extremely nice. Too bad Diablo 3 on PC won't add controller support either.

Then today I wake up and see he bought Risk of Rain 2 for me, which I had previously played with Mage and was kind of burnt out on tbh. It was fun but it's not something I feel like playing right now. I just want a deep story to sit back with and relax and not think and just be immersed. I love Jake (as a friend ofc, I ain't gay) and I appreciate the games but... something's going on. He did say he got a bonus but it was only 700 bucks. I wouldn't be buying 3 30 dollar games with a 7 hundo bonus. Shit I barely get to buy 1 or 2 games a month even with my normal 700-800 dollar paychecks.

I dunno what's going on but I am trying my best to play with him and stuff but like... we barely say 2 words on discord to each other most of the time while we play too lol. I dunno. I don't even feel good mentally today at all after a dream I had either which involved Drake crying for critizing my hair, a turn based strategy game that doesn't exist (and that I don't remember the details of so I can't make it if I wanted to anyway) and some other crap, and now I see Jake buys me Risk of Rain 2. Just... bruh.

I'm also extremely sore all over due to work and I keep sleeping an extra 2 hours despite trying to get up at 2 PM but I never do now. The first few days back to work I did but now I keep sleeping in and it's pissing me off because all I wanna do is play some goddamn video games before I go to work. Games I want to play, I love co-oping with Jake but after years of being ignored and living on my own and having no one to support me mentally it's just come down to the point where I just want to do stuff I want to do all the time instead of things other people might want to do with me. After years of being shoved to the side in favor of a family and a gf, it's like... eh. I can't just flip years of that shit off, man.

I know he's having issues with his girl though. I remember in high school we always said we were gonna move in together and just be rolling in money and gaming all the time and shiz, and that never really happened. But he told me he regrets not doing it, but, to be honest, not my problem. You wanna go chasing used up, manipulative old lady poon and taking care of children that aren't yours, be my guest. Shit, at this point even if he split from her I bet she'd sue for child support even though he isn't the real dad. She's a fucking potato.

/shrug

Back to farming gil with an exploit in ff7r I guess.

Dreams suck

Was sleeping.

Dreaming about effing a girl in the backdoor

Alarm goes off

Try to go back to sleep, but nope

My brain is immediately like "TIME TO THINK ABOUT WORK AND EVERYTHING THAT COMES WITH THAT"

God dangit. GAHD DANGIT

GAHD DANGIT

Y'know it's funny cause you'd think I'd care about remembering what she looked like (hair, eyes, face, body) but all I know is she was "hot" and I was gonna bang. /shrug. I don't remember what dream-girl looked like.

Anyway, game grumps is so good lol

Dwarf Fortress: Logemizeg, "Paintedape"

Why is it the forts with the stupidest names always do the best?

Welp, whatever. I am running a nice fort rn, and decided to raid an elven village. Turns out that sending a bunch of dwarves without weapons or armor is a bad idea. More than half the squad, including the militia commander, got taken prisoner.

I will get them back or die trying! Damned elves!

Dwarf Fortress: Ganadoltar, "Specialgild"

So this fortress started innocently enough. I got migrants, got a nice base layout going 1 layer underground, dug some barracks and training areas to get an army going sooner rather than later, and it was all well and good.

It's all ASCII but you can generally tell I had a lot of materials and stuff built/going. It was going extremely well in fact. I had just started smelting weapons and armor. I had focused on armor in the beginning of it, which was fine, but I quickly ran out of iron and didn't really have a lot of copper to work with, much less much iron to mess around with. I probably produced only several pieces of armor to outfit twenty dwarves.

Also, I need to not let in as many performers, cause holy shit my tavern got packed rq with monster slayers and poets and bards, ugh.

Anyway, so I started smithing armor, and maybe 30 minutes goes by, after which I'm out of iron so I cancel all the work orders, and then this motherFUCKING shit happens:

See all those little bitchass capital Ns with the ~ squiggly? Those are zombies. My dwarves had been training for the better part of several months, but they were just... probably wrestling with each other and training that, cause I had 0 weapons. Mayhaps I should have made some training weapons... I guess I'll do that in the next fort. Anyway, you can see all the little faces in their pools of blood, they're all dead. All twenty dwarves. In a matter of oh, probably a minute or two. sobs due to loss of dwarfy life 

Time to let the zombies in, I guess.

!!FUN!!

Edit: Oh, the corpses were actually equipped with weapons and armor too... god dangit

😥

Dwarf Fortress: Egomdatan, Natureiron

So... I had a very nice fort going in Dwarf Fortress. I had just traded a bunch of spiked wooden balls for a bunch of metal from the "homeland", and I was in the process of setting up a well for water, as well as (hah) setting up a hospital for all the bar brawling that was happening in my tavern 5 layers underground or so.

Well, this shit happened.

I retired the fortress. Everyone was... everyone was dead. Blood everywhere, body parts all over the place, dead animals everywhere.

Fudges.

Time to begin anew. YOUR END IS NIGH, BAL ENSHALMADUSH!

Last Oasis.

So Last Oasis is a pretty decent game.

Jake and I made some Spider Walkers tonight to scale cliffs so we could get into the center of the map to get some cattails for Nomad Cloth making, which is a material we need for armor and weapons. Unfortunately they take fifty cattails each, which means getting enough cattails is a pain in the ass.

So we went to the middle of the map after safe logging our clan's walker (our clan is just him and I) and found out there were no cattails there, RIP. But there were pearls. So we gathered some to use for crafting later and then I logged off. It took us like, an hour to get there... uggggh. It's alright though. Jake bought me the game so I've been trying to play it for his sake but just... man it's tough. The game is pretty boring because we have to farm materials to gear up basically :/ it's really annoying.

Also, it took me like 30 minutes to write up to this because I kept zoning out and getting into my own head and regrets started floating up to the surface.

Ooooh boy back to dwarf fortress