This guy...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCgoxQCf5Jg

This video scares the crap out of me. It's not a scary video. It's just a video from Frederik Knudsen about some guy named Terry who put together a literal OS that was dedicated to "god". The whole video is interesting but the way the guy acts and stuff like... god, it feels like it's going to be me in like 20 years. A fucking schizo and out of my mind.

It's weird. The channel is excellent though, I like video essays about random stuff like this.

Memories

Oof.

Remembering what she got me for xmas once (a tshirt and a disc shooter) got me in the feels while practicing C#. Pls feels I'ma tryina work

Frieakin dreams man

I had a dream where I was on some grand epic adventure with 2 girls who could turn into mermaids in the water.

Too bad I don't remember jack shit from it but goddamn that whole dream was awesome, and it spanned such a HUGE length of time too which was really fucking weird. Bit high on the DMT last night I guess lol

Depression

So, I don't think I have depression but at the same time I dunno. I've been really trying to keep on top of lashing out at people, especially at work and home and tbh, it's been a while since I showered. I basically just dont feel like doing anything and barely drag myself out of bed every morning in a want for money and food at least. I am not taking care of myself at all and I recognize it about myself, but at the same time, I dunno, I just can't be assed to.

As an example last night I tried to test a monitor I had in my room because I was sick and tired of having shit resolution on my second monitor. I ended up using the Earnin app to forward myself 100 bucks to pay back later and I bought a screen that is being delivered tomorrow. Now I gotta work on cutting off this bit of desk and replacing it with some wood or something... I might be able to use the top, idk. I wanna keep my desk small but I also want 3 screens, lol. Eh. Anyway. I was trying to test a monitor and my sides were just BURNING (kidney areas) and I was like jesus christ. It took me a while to recover from that shit. That wasn't out of shape, that was probably kidney stones making themselves known.

I was looking up symptoms of depression and I guess I kind of fit the criteria but fuck me if I know. And fuck me too if I'm gonna pay out the ass to go to a therapist that isn't going to help me/doesn't know what they're doing. I haven't really played any video games in a few weeks, just come home and watch TheLastMage on mixer as well as Youtube when he's done streaming. I consume YouTube content like no one's business. I miss video gaming but I just can't bring myself to launch a game.

The other night I was playing Battlefield 5 with jake and the game removed me from his squad and I just broke. I didn't cry or anything but I just told him I'd see him later and closed the game and just... stared at my screen for a solid 10 minutes, ate some chips, and went to bed.

Man, to be honest I'm pretty sure the only thing keeping me alive now is waiting for cool video games to come out, and food. I'm probably going to lose use of my legs soon actually though. My legs are retaining water and apparently if you don't do anything about it, it wears down the nerve endings/nerves in the leg to the point where you lose use of your legs. I can barely stand for 30 minutes anymore. I can walk just fine though, I just get super winded too if I walk a mile +. I tend to walk fast and quick everywhere so that doesn't help me. My legs actually start to lose feeling if I have them folded under my chair, which just developed this week. Or rather a pins and needles feeling.

Also my left eye is friggin twitching a lot the past couple days and it's annoying as fuck.

I dunno, I just feel like I'm on my own now. I have Jake as a best friend but our lives are so different now that it's weird to be "friends" with him. We barely hang out and when we do it's "hurrdurr kids hurrdurr dogs hurrdurr girlfriend". I'm happy for him and I don't know if that's where he wants to be, but he seems okay I guess, if seemingly "okay" taking verbal abuse from his GF, but whatever. Literally not my business.

Lol I just remembered there was a guy in class I was going to help with his code... too late, I got my code done via some discords and help from friends from Mage's stream. RIP that dude. He stopped talking to me the other day and I stopped opening my mac up and won't really be opening it up again until after Winter break.

Man, idk. Fuck. If anything happens to me to require people to help me, I'm going to ask to be taken somewhere to be euthanized or just stab myself. If I can't work I'm not letting someone else take care of me, fuck that shit man. I'm literally just waiting for the day I can't move due to my poor diet really, or I die in my sleep from muh clogged arteries lol. I was thinking about reaching out on Reddit for help but fuck it, internet people don't give a shit.

Fuck, tonight I was even going to fap to maybe release some of the weird lashing-out rage I've been having but I just browsed pornhub, got a bit of a chub and I was just like "man, I don't really feel like doing this right now." I haven't fapped for the better part of a month at this point. It feels like I'm being chemically castrated or something, idk. My brainpower isn't being put to any better use and I'm still fucking average-retarded so you know, whatever. Lack of a sex drive isn't killing me I guess since I've always wanted it to be lower, since I found fapping to be a chore, but this... I dunno, this isn't how I wanted it to happen. Idk, damn.

Oh, LitRPG books. I still enjoy those. So LitRPG, food, and YoutTube, and video games if I ever get to fire one up again, shit. Man, idk what to do. I don't have anyone to really talk to but at the same time I don't WANT to talk about my problems because I know no one cares about this fucking inane fucking bullshit. I don't even care lol. I don't WANT to care, I just want to live my damn fucking life without fucking emotions fucking everything up.

Meh I'm going to bed in my clothes for the who-know-how-many-time-eth this month. At least it's cold.

Also it's weird I'm getting views on these posts. Who tf is viewing these things and WHY lol!?

WeW LaD

Finished my C# class! YayyyyythatwasfuckinghardandIhavetopay2peoplewhohelpedmewiththeclassYayyyyyy

Now onto Art History which Full Sail appparently classifies as a "hard class". How hard can [writing about] some dead art guys be lul

Fucking work lol

So yesterday (I'll explain other stuff later but I just wanted to get this down) I took a phone call that I had absolutely no training on and no experience with. Basically there are 3 types of accounts that I am supposed to deal with but the more common are the other two. The third type is pretty rare, and I guess the ADMIN team thought it'd be a good idea to friggin give me the third type of account without me having any prior training on it at all.

Lo and behold I flop that shit because I had never dealt with the sort of thing there. I got virtually no explanation about what I was supposed to be doing besides a large IM from my boss just saying some random shit.

And then my boss is basically like "well ya dun fucked up" YEAH NO SHIT  I FUCKED UP, I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT SHIT BEFORE IN MY LIFE. WHY WOULD YOU NOT GIVE THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE TO TAKE WHO HAS EXPERIENCE WITH THE DAMN FUCKING ACCOUNT TYPE AND I'D WATCH TO GET A GRIP ON IT? BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. -_-

Also A Quiet Place is a shitty movie, don't watch it. I friggin love John Krazinksi (sp) but holy hell he should not be allowed to direct movies. He has literally no pride as a man apparently, letting himself get eaten by monsters to save his kids when they could have created a subsonic weapon this whole time to kill them. The characters in the movie were fucking dumb too, I was laughing my ass off in the beginning when the little kid started playing with the spaceship that was making noise and the dad couldn't save the kid in time so the kid just gets picked up by a barreling huge ass monster LOL. God that was hilarious.

If you can't tell, I fucking hate kids. The kids in this movie were fucking brats too and jesus christ they were in a post apocalyptic scenario! Like wtf!

The most random items

I dreamt I bought a Diablo 3 switch.

Also pretty sure I had some dreams about RDR2 lol. God that game is so good, I literally gambled all last night in the game to complete some challenges.

Commentatos

So my stepdad said the other day when he picked me up from work:

"I didn't know girls worked here."

And I was like:

"Yup."

And he was like:

"Why don't you try and get with one?"

And I was like:

"Nah."

And the conversation ended.

This is the guy who gets screamed at almost every day by my mom when he's home. I literally get visual and audio representation of why not to get together with a woman. And I've experienced 6 years of a relationship, pretty sure I got the experience and it's just not for me.

Relationships are just not for me.

3 day WEEKENDS

Jesus I thought I'd like a 3 day weekend but... it just feels the same as a 2 day weekend to be quite honest. And now I'm on a Monday to Friday work schedule, 8-5... I dunno. I feel weird. I'm always working weird shifts and always have. 2-10, 1-9 mostly, some weirder ones inbetween like 9AM - 7... 10PM to 6AM. Having a normal 8-5 (9-5 for purposes of not counting lunch I guess) is weird.

Ah, I have to turn on my alarms again.

I've just been fishing for legendary fish on RDR2 all day. Excellent game, for sure.

Also I just want to mention that if anyone has an SO who creates youtube videos... just say you watched the shit. Like, jeezus. Be fucking supportive.

Weird dream

I had a weird dream where my stepdad got a second job since his hours are so low working as an electrician.

I guess him always talking about how he has no money really freaks me out or something. Idk. All I know is I'm paying the electric bill here, that's it.

Full Sail, Math, and me, and some other experiences.

So I got $25 worth of a substance that is smoked and holy shit. My first 2 experiences sucked diiiiiick with it because all I got was a massive headrush and that was it. (Blunt wrapped, so tobacco wrap messed with my head and didn't do much for me.)

So then my co-worker at work makes me a bottle bong, and I set it up at home and everything and then at 11PM I "smoked" (right term for bong? idk) it and I took about 6 small to large hits off of it and then I was like "I should go get some water just in case since I know this causes drymouth"and I went and got some water while I was lightheaded and stuff. And I was like "aw man this doesn't feel good", and then as I was walking down the hall back to my room, I basically felt like my limbs were really heavy and hard to move, and I was like "ugh wtf" and sat in my chair again and drank some water.

And then I was like "okay I'm gonna go to sleep, this is terrible" and laid down.

And then the fun began, but only in my mind.

By the way, fun is used with HEAVY SARCASM here because it was basically hell and I thought I was going to die, but I knew I wasn't going to die, but I still felt like it. It maybe only lasted like 30-45 minutes tops, and I knew it wasn't going to last forever, but holy hell.

So basically I was feeling and mentally seeing 2 parts, brain neurons firing and electrical impulses moving throughout my body, and whenever I tried to move it felt like that one slow motion sound effect they used to use in movies and stuff? It felt like that, that's literally the only way I can think of to describe it. But the electrical impulses were actually moving my legs (to a much lesser extent arms) and it was freaking me out. And mentally, I felt like I was losing myself to an entity much greater than I at the time. Or basically my id was taking over and my ego was barely anywhere to be found, under the tidal waves of whatever my id was thinking up at the time. Which was a LOT of weird crap. And the whole time it was basically me imagining another clone of me (ego, id, respectively) doing weird shit and me being like "ugh goddammit stop pls". Like the id me just could create whatever it wanted at the touch of a fingertip to the air or something. I dunno, it was just overall a really bad experience and I did not enjoy a minute of it. I was also able to visualize my brain neurons firing electrical impulses (yellow, head region) and the impulses going out to the rest of my body (blue, rest of body). It was fucking terrible and scary lol.

And eventually I just shut down and got scared and started crying, but couldn't tell if I was crying because time seemed so distorted, and I touched my face and no tears were on it, but I had felt them rolling down earlier, so my brain kicked into gear slightly and was like "the fuck nigga?" and then I felt my other eye and felt wetness (with my extremely heavy arm/hand) and I was like okay I'm not freaking out. So then I just kept intermittently crying and feeling tears on my face to make sure I was still "alive" per se I guess, I don't know.

Eventually I fell asleep and woke up later with no significant trauma to myself or my room, so that was good. But unfortunately it made for a bad night's sleep. It felt like I was up for hours when in reality it was only like less than an hour.

Oh yeah I remember when it first hit me, my fan was running and eventually it crescendo'd into a screeching, spinning piece of metal, just over and over and over again. So I covered my one free ear (the other one being on the pillow on the other side of me, since I was on my side) and the screeching just... echoed forever. So I turned over on my bed and it stopped, thankfully, but I could like hyper-hear the video I had playing and it was KILLING ME so I turned it down to give my ears some relief. 

Overall, 10/10 experience, looking for heroin next.

JK 0/10 experience don't do weed kids cause holy fuck that was terrifying.

And I forgot what I actually made this post for was to say I'm probably dropping out of Full Sail because I can't do math.

The fuck lol

I've been playing a lot of 7DTD (7 Days to Die) with Jake recently and typically we don't do a second play session after our first one earlier in the day, usually ending anywhere from 2PM to 4 PM, but he asked me if I wanted to play again... here's what happened:

J: Hey are you still wanting to play more tonight?

Me: Yeah we can if you want, I ran around and made a bunch of arrows and got books and stuff

J: kk

J: Let me know

Me: ...Yes we can play lol

J: Are you sure? (Me internally: uh... did I not just imply I got a bunch of shit for us to do in the game?)

Me: You're the dude with prior responsibilities lol not me I ain't doing shit all nigguh lol

Me: You wanna play we playin

J: Haha

Me: I'm in discoballs (discord)

J: You been drinking?

Me: ? I ate a McDonalds chicken sandwich lol

J: K lol I will le you know

Me: No prob

... did I just bamboozle myself or something or what? /facepalm

Dream

K so.

I had a weird dream last night consisting of two houses in a forest, a group of kids living(?) in the forest + me I guess, and an axe murderer type character.

It started off from what I can remember of the dream with this group of kids discovering a tent-house thing in the forest (essentially a house with an awning for a tent I guess ish except the outer walls were "tent" and the inner walls were... walls.) and the kids go inside cause they heard rumors of some crazy guy living in the forest. So the kids went in.

Kinda blurred out so I'll get to the next part. The next part it's apparently "two days later" after some other stuff happens (1 kid getting caught and killed), and the kids investigate the house-tent again. And then some stuff happens (i.e. I leave for a bit so idk) and then I come back and the kids are like... making themselves at home. Cooking shit, sitting on furniture, etc. I'm just like "WHAT THE FUUUUUCK" and then I hear a SLAM from outside, and look outside the tent, and maybe 500-600 feet away is the crazy guy with mud slathered all over his front (or what looks to be mud, I never find out) walking toward the house"tent". And he was coming out of a white house that for some reason we didn't notice before (haha dreams amiright). So I'm like "THE GUY IS COMING!" and they all start freaking out and running around. And I try to direct them out the front door, but they're like fucking lemmings and I don't know how to control them. So finally I'm just like "f this" and try to find a back door to the house. I go through the attached "kitchen" and there's a kid standing there staring at what looked like butter in a pan and the kid going "PLEASE COOK PLEASE COOK PLEASE COOK" and I was like "whatever lol". I find a door labeled with a very nice black, thick plastic sign that just says in white "doctor's office" lettering, "KEEP OUT" with a symbol next to it that looks like a yellow triangle with another symbol in it. It wasn't the "danger electrical" symbol, so I'm not sure what it was since I can't remember it clearly, but I just started throwing my body at the door to try and open it. It was a flimsy door and the door buckled slightly, it seemed to be thinner wood. I backed up and slammed into it again and the door gave off a loud "CRACK!" but didn't break down.

Unfortunately I woke up with the CRACK noise so that's the end of that. I wonder what my brain was processing about my week with that dream.

WP

After a particularly long and stressful day at work, you come home to an empty house, as it's been since your pet died. However, today, a golden, pet-shaped entity floats up to you.

Solved

Everything is solved

Fucking A, Tom Cruise

Due to some fucker imitating tom cruise and baiting my mom with that persona I have to use 8 hours of my sick time on thursday to fucking watch for this fucker that's going to come to our house.

And the last 2 days i've been woken up at fucking 3 AM because my mom is hungry. HUH MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T WIRE "TOM CRUISE" MONEY AND FUCKING ACTUALLY BOUGHT SOME FOOD FOR YOURSELF YOU WOULDN'T BE FUCKING HUNGRY HUH

I wish she would just fucking die already. God if I was a burden like this to anyone I'd have already offed myself. I don't want people taking care of me, shit.

WoW

 Reddit link

Probably Orgrimmar for myself.
it was where all my first guild's drama went down, where I hung out with my best friend and talked in Ventrilo, where my best friend and I queued for BGs at the battlemasters, where my best friend and I sold a piece of mystery meat for 1g and thinking we were rich as fuck on the AH... Though either that or back to the starting zone in Durotar, but idk since it's "changed", and Orgrimmar is changed too. But Orgrimmar sticks out as the spot where I had the good, the bad, and the ugly times in my life.
I'm trying my hardest to think of another spot and the only spot that keeps resurfacing is Orgrimmar.
For the Horde. Lok'tar Ogar, friends.
Fucking hell, I live a sad life.

Toast

I feel like I'm just burnt out on games. There are a bunch coming up I'm going to buy but they're all coming out around the holiday season/2019 (Cyberpunk 2077, the new Hey Pikachu or whatever game for switch, Days Gone that I have paid off at gamestop at the moment, probably some more I'm forgetting. I just bought Sheltered on Steam cause they were having a decent sale on it, cause it was only 4 bucks but I played it and can't get anywhere. I couldn't get materials to keep my family up and I killed my whole family in the game 3 times cause it wouldn't rain and I couldn't find water/food and the last one I forgot about the oxygen filter and wasn't paying attention and one person suffocated so I was like 'eff it' and refunded the game.

I'm burnt out on WoW since I can't get into groups as an Arms warrior or an Elemental shaman and I'm done with guilds because they just leech off my materials and they're so 'cliqueish' now it's ridiculous. With my last guild I really tried to integrate myself with them but when I ask to do mythic+ keystones and no one responds and 5 minutes later one of the "clique" asks and everyone's hopping on their fucking dick... sigh. I donated so much stuff to that guild too that I could have made money on... back to being guildless.

You know, I hate to tie things back to my previous relationship, but there's definitely ties to everything in my life back to my last relationship.

Nah, this is going to be a generalization of women everywhere, but especially those who play video games for attention. You idiot men who think with your dicks are pushing away good friends to let that "gamer gurl" play with your group who is pulling sub par DPS and going "teehee I died" in game mechanics. It's fucking ridiculous. And even still in general there's guys in guilds who are excluded to bring "the GL's GF" or whatever when she just goes AFK for 10 minutes in the middle of a raid or god forbid a fucking encounter. And you KNOW that fucker plays a healer.

To you women who play other video games than WoW and multiplayer games for attention, and "friendship", I salute you. You are the true heroes that women who "play video games" need to follow. But they won't, because they enjoy men fawning over them. It's funny because I thought about this the other day and I don't think I saw my last ex play ANYTHING but WoW. She wouldn't play shit I got for the gamecube I got, she wouldn't play anything else but Guild Wars 2 and WoW. And I will give her credit, she was an excellent PvP healer, but I only think the "attention" she got from her mostly male guild spurred her on for that.

ugh, god, I can't talk about that shit, it's making my blood boil.

In other news I posted a new review on my website, https://setari666.wixsite.com/bronzegaming for Rune Classic. I started playing Rune Classic (NOT RUNESCAPE) and it's an extremely good single player RPG game that was released in 2001. I never really thought I'd be playing something nowadays that was released in 2001, but here I am. I play an hour of it or so a night, and for how simple it is, it's super fun. There are some places I need to consult a walkthrough, but they're far and few in-between. I did find out too that the "spiritual successor" to the game, Rune Ragnarok is releasing this year as well, and I might preorder it next paycheck as well, but it kind of puts me off that they're going to use "early access" to release it on Steam, so I dunno. Maybe I'll just wait for it to release and see how that goes.

I dunno, maybe I should try to get sucked into Morrowind or something again. BFA (The latest WoW expansion) is sucking giant donkey fucking cocks and anything else in my Steam library is killing me. I have a successful Cities:Skylines city going right now but that's about it for "active gaming" besides running LFR in WoW every Tuesday. Ugh. I know that this is a symptom of basically the internet and having everything at my fingertips, yadda, yadda.

Jake hasn't been on in quite a while either even on my days off. No texts, nothing. Pretty sure his girlfriend has beaten him into the ground.

I have been playing D&D games with TheLastMage's crew on Fridays though, we're running through a Cyberpunk 2077 tabletop D&D playthrough. If you'd like to read transcripts of our most recent games:

Part 1: https://pastebin.com/P1V3qRCy
Part 2: https://pastebin.com/gbnX3D2j

I basically told both stories to co-workers today but... goddamn I thought I had no imagination, but these fuckers didn't even laugh, just chuckled a bit. Guess it's not really for them. Shared those with my dad too but no dice, really. 

https://www.reddit.com/r/dndstories/

Welp guess I'm posting these there now.

WHOO

Watching LGR on Youtube and just finished eating some Taco Bell. Just wanted to write about my day today.

I suppose my work ethic has increased tenfold over the past six months. I also found out a week or so ago I think now, that my boss has to constantly defend me from HIS boss because he just wanted to fire me all the time. Like wtf dude I'm your last guy running this damn program cause my boss sure wasn't going to fucking take appointments. And it was EVERY SINGLE DAY apparently too.

That guy got "demoted" to a big name department in my company and kept his pay of 22 an hour. How, I don't know, but my boss just told me that that was how the company functioned. My department got merged with another Telecommunications department running in my company's building and we're under a great supervisor at the moment.

Basically in essence my boss's boss got "demoted" and we switched rooms and "merged" with a different department in my building.

But six months ago, we fired a guy who would NOT show up for work consistently so it was down to me, our Admin, and our boss. But the Admin was working part time also in the other department for some reason, because my boss's boss (Referred to here as BB) made some "deals" with some higher ups in that other department and was "loaning" him to the department, but it was affecting his work for US in our department, but we couldn't really blame him since he was placed on a team that handles literally 500 user migrations to Office 365, upwards of 500 users! That's stressful as fuck, I can barely handle a ONE user migration much less a TWO lol (even though the processes are generally the same). Anyway, so eventually our Admin was removed from our team and sent to the other telecom department, leaving just me and my boss from February to about June. In May, BB got "demoted" to the other department.

One thing you need to understand about BB: he's a bodybuilder and fucking craves attention and father figures, and his "best friend" at the time was a dude that also worked in the same room as him (as well as my boss and I) and literally never let the guy get any work done and put off his own work. He literally got one company to sue another company by being the middleman for a migration and fucking up the migration, essentially. No skin off my bones when every day I was worrying about my fucking department being shut down and having a full fucking queue every goddamn day of back to back to back to back to back to back appointments (6 appointments all day every day)and not even knowing that BB wanted to fucking fire me because of a tiny thing I'd say to a customer or some shit. It was just all super petty fucking crap.

And I don't hate the guy for that, I hate the guy for where he left MY BOSS with MY DEPARTMENT. We were literally up shit creek without a paddle. And the reason was because BB was not reporting correct things about our department to the COO IN THE FUCKING BUILDING at the meetings they were having. And to be honest if my boss hadn't stood his ground in those meetings about where our department was and the state of our department. And it made me feel terrible when my boss one day said that he hated coming into work, through no fault of my own but rather that I still enjoyed my job, I was just half-assing it, or rather "phoning it in", if you will. And it was like that for MONTHS up until BB left the room with his "best friend" (who was actually fucking annoyed as fuck with him all the time and is performing admirably as a team leader (which BB also applied for and did not get cause he's a fucking idiot) which I'm happy about.

So now we're under a better boss who passes everything we need to the COO, open communication, etc. BB was just trying to save his fucking ass from looking like an idiot to the "head honchos" and in the end it bit him in the ass. My boss feels better about his job and so do I, and we even brought on a person for an "admin" role on our team along with another guy who is on a school schedule so he's there from 6PM to midnight, generally. And it's just all around a much less depressive environment and it's really nice.

And the point of my post here today after explaining what's been happening the last half a fucking year at my job, is I got a "coaching" today (I say "coaching" instead of coaching because we generally don't need to have coachings a lot since we work in such close proximity to each other, but for the sake of "paperwork" we do have to do them like once a month or something.) and I was praised for my "hard work and dedication" which, I mean, I don't consider this job hard work. I consider fucking Circle K work hard work. But I digress, I was praised for my work and it feels gud but you know what feels better!?

THAT'S RIGHT FUCKIN MONEY BITCHES

And I'm getting a $50 Amazon gift card for my work with the company. HELLLL YEEEEAAA BOIII less than a year there and already praised for my work. Despite the "cringe" factor, our COO called me a "rock star" in terms of my work and my boss told me today on the way home that our boss basically was like 'eh he called him a rockstar, that warrants a reward right' lolol. I mighta preferred a subway gift card but it's whatever! (I think I can just buy the card on amazon or whatever so)

It's been a rocky as fuck six months and I kept my mouth shut about going to our COO about our issues and let my boss handle it. And I really do try to assist my boss in any way I can that's possible for me to help him and I know he appreciates it very much. Buys me fast food on the way home every now and again which is 100% appreciated since I'm usually starving at the end of the day heh. Also the rides home help too lol.

BUT I was writing this out and this was all required because I found out some shady ITT Tech so the company I work in is in an old ITT Tech building where I live, and there's a lot of old ITT Tech stuff that was left in this large room we call "the warehouse", which is where we store spare shit and stuff. And in there is a filing cabinet that has personal information about students that went there over MANY years as well as personal information (like social security numbers, phone numbers, emails) of students and teachers.

Now, the one thing that I found interesting is that there were three filing cabinets. The first one was all locked. The second was unlocked and the third was locked. So I opened the first drawer in the second cabinet. Nothing. Second, nothing. Third, nothing. Fourth... GEMS OF INFORMATION!

I grabbed these two binders that were in there and I opened the first one. In the pocket folder of the binder was some email correspondence as well as some other papers from the ACCSC (Accrediting Commission of Career Schools and Colleges) and the email chain I read spoke about some of the staff members emailing each other about who hired this new person who was made CHAIR OF CRIMINAL JUSTICE FOR THE SCHOOL. The new person apparently was NOT qualified to be in that position and I actually went and LinkedIn their profile (while logged in, oops) and they went from A SPRINT TECHNICAL SERVICE MANAGER TO A CHAIR OF CRIMINAL JUSTICE WITH NO SCHOOLING INBETWEEN TO BE ELEVATED TO THAT LEVEL. She now counsels people at a psychology clinic here which scares me even more. The school was investigated by ACCSC and basically found lacking for many things for students in 2008, but I learned today that ITT Tech shut down in 2016. TWO YEARS ago, the whole organization.

My department and I laughed our asses off and I took a screenshot of her work history without any other information in the picture about her. There was also a BUNCH of other binders (also I found out she was fired after ACCSC found out she did not have the correct education for the position lol obviously) and there were like the "end of class surveys" where people graded their teachers and left comments about the class and stuff and I learned two things:

One, that ITT Tech had ONE computer room for students to use for classwork.

Two, that computer room got changed into a classroom that USED those computers actively for that class.

Three, eventually that became a problem so they played "musical classrooms" and when people needed to use the computers they moved the class to another classroom, etc etc.

Four, a TON of really cool teachers worked there apparently based on the students' comments on those many black and white pages I leafed through.

I feel so bad for the students that got "degrees" from there because I'm pretty sure they're invalid now. I did also find some SUPER OLD binders from 1991! The papers were stuck together and stuff and had that old paper feel... shudders oh man that was gud shit. But yeah, today was an adventure. Finding out the staff just hired anyone with a pulse to teach students... oh yeah and a lot of classes also were missing a lot of "teaching hours" and stuff so people were getting a half-assed education on top of that! It was ridiculous to read about this.

I'm glad they're gone but I wonder what my schooling is going to be like from a similar school like Full Sail University... we were cracking jokes about it actually, was pretty good.

Anyway I guess I'm off to play WoW or something. o/

Left

Ugh I left my guild on WoW today (last night). So tired of people not assisting other people to gear. My guild was running mythics w 3 people last night, they ran like 3 in a row. Like what the fuck dude. I kept telling them IF IT'S LATER IN THE DAY INVITE ME PLEASE. I waited until around 1AM when no one was on and left.

I'm just gonna make a fucking warlock I guess then cause fuck this shitty crap not being selected for mythic runs. I'm so tired of working late night jobs. I work 1 - 9 now. I love my job but fucking hell the times suck ass. And I get able to get on my computer at like near 10PM right now cause my stepdad isn't home to feed his fucking dog and let him go to the bathroom so after I get home from work, I HAVE TO DO IT. These arent my fucking pets and I am not very attached to them.At this point because my time is being eaten by these fucks I constantly think about just letting them go somewhere and not coming back. I don't want to take care of fucking animals. I literally cannot do this. I am irresponsible and cannot take care of other things.

Fucking hell. Fycking HELL

Drinking and you...me

Fucking a. Yeah I wish I could fucking drink away my sorrows but guess fucking what, whoever's still dead today is gonna be DEAD TOMORROW. don't join fucking shit that people are a part of if you're fucking drunk and going to fuck it up and not listen to fucking directions.

I fucking wish I could just DRINK whenever something bad happened. Someone dies!? DRINK THE NIGHT AWAY! Pet dies?! DRINK! Something fucking bad happens? DRINK!

And I tried it. I did. But drinking solves fucking NOTHING for you or for anyone else. Now, drinking is fun and to have a good time with it is nice, socially, etc. But to drink and join things that other people are going to be a part of and depend on you for? Nah. Nah dude. Nah. You can fuck off.

I just had a tank that was drunk because his grandpa died. YOU KNOW WHAT I DID WHEN MY GRAMPS DIED? I FUCKING WORKED, WENT HOME, ATE DINNER, SLEPT, AND WENT BACK TO FUCKING WORK. Fuck all these weak ass fucking bitches who can't take a fucking problem and handle it BACK INTO THE FUCKING GROUND WHERE IT BELONGS. FUCK! And even going through my breakup, yeah, I got drunk a few nights, but I soon realized that it meant fucking nothing because guess what, she's still there laughing with her guild in the fucking morning, so why bother wasting money on that shit? One year of that... god I was such a fucking pussy. Jesus christ. I could write a whole post just hating on my past self for being a goddamn idiot. Shoulda fucking tossed her out as soon as we broke up. BUT I guess I wouldn't be where I am today if I did most likely, so, eyyy. Cool job, school, the works. Better than she's ever going to have it what with the "social anxiety". Bitch fucking please as soon as you were on those meds you were hopping on that cock carousel like the rest of the women on this planet right now.

At least I got a piece of gear out of it.

Oh great, it's something I didn't need. Goddamn it.

And yeah, I know I used to be a wimpy fucking babby piece of shit but after being that way my whole life and being mentally stepped on by people who don't care about me, it's fucking done. If you can't handle your fucking problems without "EMOSHUNAL SUPPORTZ" then fuck you, go kill yourself. And if you can't kill yourself then I guess it's time to fucking GET REAL and live for yourself, cause you're the only one that matters in this life, so make it fucking count.

There is only one thing I will always be a little bitch about, though, but I'm getting better about it.

2 posts in fucking 2 days wow

Jesus christ I like having people to run instances with but holy fucking cow the amount of people who don't even look at the adventure journal to fucking read about encounters is astounding. Also, FatBoss sucks butt. If you can explain an encounter in less than 50 words, those videos should be like fucking 3 minutes long. I could make better fucking guides than those elitist pricks

Holy fuck I am so fucking pissed off right now. Like ridiculously pissed off to the point where my vertigo problem is fucking happening right now and I've barely moved my head in the past 3 hours. Hooooooooooooly shit.

Okay I had to take ten minutes to just cool the fuck off. This is getting to be a real problem for me and it's getting harder and harder to not lash out at something and I'm afraid it's going to be at work or online and get me booted from my guild. It doesn't help that I have an elitist attitude when I get better gear and better DPS in WoW and it mildly carries over to IRL. Fuck. I can't even write when I'm like this because it's going to carry over into my writing, and it sucks.

I've taken to mentally creating a room just full of "boxes" with various angry emotions in it and whenever I have an angry emotion it's visualized as a "spirit" of sorts in my head and I take it and put it in a box when I'm angry or mad or even sad. it's basically bottling things up I guess, but it's the only way I know how to deal with it because I don't have anyone to talk to about anything in my life... besides this blog. And this helps somewhat but I probably just need therapy. Too bad therapy is expensive as fuck and I don't wanna pay for that shit. I just want fast food goddammit. And now my bank account is 17 bucks negative so guess who doesn't get to eat for a week? Me. -_-. I just don't know what to do. FML. It doesn't help that it's hot as fuck in my room all the goddamn fucking time because my stepdad won't fix the fucking vents underneath the fucking house. I'd do it if I knew what the fuck to do and had the fucking materials, but I don't and I don't even know where to start with that shit. Fuck. FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck.FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck.

Fuck. Now fuck doesn't even look like a word lul. Goddamn it's either be hot and have a lower electric bill maybe or be cooled off and pay out the fucking ass for electricity. If this next month's electric bill is 320 dollar I'm gonna be fucking pissed too cause TEP sent a letter saying it was going to be 255 dollars. Uggggggggh fuck. Doesn't help I'm hungry as fuck right now too and can't eat anything cause I have to save it for the week to use for lunches at work and I already ate two peanut butter sandwiches today... dangit. I have no idea where my fucking money goes.

Alright I'm getting pissed off again, I'm just gonna suffer in silence and watch youtube. At least John Oliver is funny.

clingy fuckin ass people

ugh jesus christ

I fucking helped someone in my guild complete six island expeditions because I got azerite power out of it, but after that they wanted to do world quests together. Fuck me sideways no. I don't do world quests with other people because then I HAVE TO WAIT for them to fucking complete the damn objective. Obviously this is different if I'm playing with a friend but with a guildie I barely know? nah. nah man nah. So I had to make like I was going to bed and then stayed on and they logged so I can complete my damn honorbound rep quests.

I love helping FRIENDS, I hate helping random people unless I'm getting something out of it. Also apparently I hate helping family as well/people who are close to me/spending time with people who are close to me as well as evidenced by my last relationshit. I am attempting to fix the family bit at least, though. And since I'll never have another SO, I don't have to worry about that bullshit anymore. /chuckletoself

I'm pretty tired, maybe I'll just go to sleep instead of finishing these rep quests but it's friday night so if I want to stay up this is the night to do it. FML. This week sucked so much ass it's unreal too. So many rude fucking australians. "I DONT HAVE TIME TO CHECK MY EMAIL IM RUNNING A BUSINESS!" bitch, then don't fucking complain when you're clicking random buttons and making appointments where you don't know what they're for! This encompasses like 99% of my job. -_- I love my job but sometimes man... you really see how much common sense people have which is fucking 0. it doesn't help that the aussie telecom company doesn't give two shits about us as evidenced by their rescheduling of our latest meeting. They're too big to actually get anything done. God if I ever start a company I will make that shit efficent as FUCK. AS. FUCK. ASSSSSSSSSSSSS FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Because holy shit that company is a fucking nightmare.

What else...

I was hoping jake would be on today as well so we could farm The motherlode dungeon for his gun today but nope. I'm leaps and bounds in front of him for gear at the moment. Also my guild just released their raid schedule and I can't fucking join them because it's 6 server time (our time) to 830PM. So I had to tell one of the officers on discord I couldn't make it and they seemed genuinely sad about it. I do hope they make a "later" raid team. I wouldn't even mind something like ... well, depending on the time I get home at the moment it'd have to be 10PM to 12AM or something, which is fine with me cause that's typically my bedtime anyway so. Ish. Sometimes I go to bed at 1 or 2. I wish I could stay up later but man I just pass out. Sucks to get old, I guess. SUCKS TO SUCK

my brain is so fried from this week. I wish I had a 3 day weekend or had monday off (holiday) but we don't because australia doesn't have US holidays of course. I did clean my room last weekend so now I can actually walk around my room, which is nice.

Also my fucking mom is retarded. She's being baited by some fucker calling himself tom cruise and she's sending him literally all of her money now all the time from her social security checks. Meanwhile my stepdad is apparently getting shafted for money being a journeyman electrician cause he said all last week he pretty much starved at work due to bills he has to pay (mostly loans I guess. Idk his finances). My acid reflux is basically coming back because of this fucking stress.

But you know how women are. They're fucking CRAZY. As soon as this fucker doesn't pick her up in october she's just gonna be like 'oh it's ok' and fucking keep sending that fucker money. I sincerely hope whoever that fuck is dies in a fucking fire. Not even because of my mom, because of the stress that fucker is causing ME. jesus if my stepdad wasn't here I'd have taken my sister and I'd be fucking GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE dude. Like moved out a month ago. I had places lined up and everything.

One more month. Well, at least I have a good time at work, generally, so that's a big stress reliever. Okay, back to WoW. I opened up my lappy to write this lol

Man

Man.

I was just laying in bed and thinking about how good I have it right now.

Rent for 300 bucks basically. A good job I'm probably going to get a 2 dollar raise at from 12 an hour to 14 an hour. A nice bed. A good gaming computer. A great gaming lappy. I'm not supporting anyone else but myself and spending my money how I want to.

And I had this exact thought, smiling to myself, while laying in bed reading. I've been 100% happier since not supporting a woman. Why just the other day Jake was complaining about his girlfriend about her saying "I wish you'd just get a million dollars and then I'd never have to work again".

It's all about HER. Not about him or him making money (he makes a FUCKTON of money and guess where it all goes? Her house, her kids, her car. It's fucking ridiculous and it makes me feel so bad for him.

Not to mention she used to be fucking SMOKING hot and then... well lol. She's a fucking balloon now. Like, pear shaped balloon... or dare I say, potato shaped.

And you wanna know what'll happen as soon as he leaves? She's gonna slim right back down again and fucking catch another guy. And another. And another.

I feel sorry for all the guys out there with GFs or who need pussy to fuck every night or some shit. It's not worth the STD risk, or the money risk in my opinion, or ANY risk to my well being to do ANY of that. God my last relationship put me off of women so much I am happy to be alone for the rest of my life. Cause you know what? All that woman has to do is fuck around with a co worker or someone she just randomly met on the fucking internet, BAM. STDs galore and all of a sudden, you have herpes for life. It's gross, and it's sickening. I'm glad for my low Testosterone, tbh. I'll have a babyface my whole life, idgaf. if I can fap and climax 3 times in oh, 10 minutes and be satisfied for two weeks, I'll take that shit over a woman any day. DON'T GOTTA PAY FOR MY FUCKING HAND TO EAT! (Well, I have to pay for myself to eat, but my hand isn't a separate person... you get the picture.)

Sure I'd like to stick my dick in a warm, wet hole for all of fucking 5 minutes, but I have an onahole for that. All I look for is the climax with fapping to get it out of the fucking way for the week or two and that's it. And the amount of women out there who DON'T put out for their guy after they've been slaving away at work is fucking ridiculous. If you stay home and don't work you better have that fucking lube ready cause jesus christ. A guy wants to cum and get that shit done. Sure, weekends can be for romantic shit but if you don't work and he does YOU ARE AT HIS BECK AND CALL, WOMAN. However depending on if you work or not, that's a different story, depending on the job of course and hours worked, etc. I could see two people working and having no sex at all or cheating on each other with co-workers, actually, which doesn't make too much sense but at the same time, it is a lot of work to actually PLAN time together in those cases.

And hey, for those couples who do plan time together and stuff, great, you do you. But the amount of woman out there who "find" someone better and then scream that their boyfriend of two years raped them is fucking astounding, and that's the shit that scares me. I'm glad to have an alibi at all times, but I doubt anyone would try and convict an uggo like me of rape, and I'm perfectly fine with that too. Let the chads be convicted, the idiots who go around fucking women like there's no tomorrow.

Behind every woman, there's a man that's sick of her fucking bullshit. And this rings true for almost every relationship on the planet. And why should men have to put up with women hitting men, women emotionally abusing men, women not caring what their men go through? WE SHOULD NOT.

MGTOW or bust, folks. Stare at purdy women, just don't touch em and don't fuck em.

Also there's some weird search terms leading to my blog, speaking of women and sex. If I get a chance I'll post a screenshot at some point in a post, but they're probably from my ex searching for them through google and finding my blog.

Speaking of which as well she's off her meds and back to doing crowd-sourced work on the internet for money. Sad. I wonder how our relationship would have turned out if she had gone on meds sooner like I told her to. Ah well, no use dwelling on the past I say. I'm done with doing that.

Oh, also I had a weird dream this morning, it was a zombie apocalypse dream in fact. I was with my brother Joel again in it and I just remember us fighting zombies and fleeing to some part of some town that was zombie-free... and they had a lot of food. Like so much food it should have been impossible. And we went inside this food restaurant that was primarily made of wood, seemingly, and basically the prices on the menu were ridiculous for the food, so we left. And then Joel went off somewhere and I wandered around and I found a... yeah I don't know what my brain was thinking, but I found a baby being beaten up by other... small children. And I kicked one's ass and then they all fled, and the baby could talk fluent English and sounded like a gruff dude. So I picked him up and then we started wandering around this other part of town we were in and then the baby was like "oh that's my house" and went into a house and didn't come out. So I was like, "whatevs" and kept walking around, and then I woke up. Also I think my ex was in there somewhere but I think she was a zombie and she died, cause she sure as hell wasn't walking around with me or me and Joel at any point.

Welp that's my day I suppose. I'm off to bed I think. I was going to write but it's  2:01 AM now and I should really go to sleep if I wanna get up on time.

...maybe just 30 minutes of writing. 100+ pages and I need to rewrite a lot of it, but I want to finish this rough draft...

Also I fucking hate people who use the ":3" shit as a snarky overtone as "oh look at me I'm fucking cute and a woman I can do ANYTHING BECAUSE PEOPLE CARRY ME THROUGH SHIT" fuck you fucking sluts. You put no fucking work into anything.

Okay I'm done. Lol.

Lots of events.

So lately there's been a lot of events in my life. I got a gaming laptop through my brother so I can play WoW at work/other games etc. My boss got my co-workers and I Mario Kart for the Switch as well so that's pretty cool, + a Pro controller + wheels! I tried playing with motion controls though, it's pretty hard with just the switch, so. Uh... found out our department might be shut down in November, so that's cool. I'm gonna try my hardest at work though like I have been recently. Tomorrow I have three appointments, wew.

Uh what else besides the obvious mental insanity in my head surrounding my ex and I. Not reading that last email she sent me is really nagging me but at the same time, it's gone, I made sure it was gone tonight. God I wish she just didn't send that shit. Also I am aware she keeps reading posts here every now and again so huehuehuehue fuck off.

Got a bunch of gear on WoW on my warrior tonight so that's super cool. I joined a guild last night (I think?) on my Warrior and got to Heroic item level areas and actually ran a Mythic dungeon tonight and got a couple gear pieces out of it, which is DOPE AS FUUUUUUUUCK considering I got the T-Rex skull helmet off the last boss in the dinosaur instance (I can't remember the name lol). I probably caught up with Jake in item level or surpassed him. I have mostly Heroic gear now and am pretty much geared for Mythics now. Goddamn that last boss in the Mythic dino dungeon sucked BUTT holy fuck. Literally luck and evasive maneuvering dodging spiders etc. But we diddlydamndidit despite a fucking retarded tank (I was DPS).

Lately I've been feeling pretty... I dunno, shitty? Tbh? Like... no matter how hard I try to upkeep my "heart armor" it's just broken down and rusting in places. It's a junker now. It's so tiring to keep away the emotions and thoughts now. It's hard to keep up my work ethic at work feeling like that. And I kind of want to get therapy for it but I don't really feel like it'll "help" me per se and it'll just be a waste of money. And I don't need medication for anything, though some people have said that not feeling "feelings" means you have depression, but I'm not depressed, I think. Just really tired. And  I don't mean how I felt when I was 19/20 working at the gas station, I mean literally just... weary of life already. I'm jut like... man. I don't know if I can keep it up anymore. I've had violent outbursts lately towards video games and it scares me. I'm usually HELLA on top of my anger and stuff but it's not anger, it's like... fucking autistic shit. Just talking out loud a lot to myself as well as yelling when I lose in a video game or something. I just... goddamn it's fucking weird. Maybe it's because I'm home by myself a lot with my sister working and I just feel like I can do what I want? Maybe. But it's still really weird.

Wow that snowballed into some shit lol. Meh I might just go to bed, I was going to write in my book: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/11702/swordgate

I have more writing in my private Google Docs area that I'm working on, but this is the public bit as a "rough draft".

Alright I'm going to sleep, this helped a bit I suppose. Gnight.

Nah

Got an email from Haley today. Weird, cause they've all been "accidentally" going to my spam inbox if she's been sending me any.

Just made sure the words "sue", "legal" and the like weren't in the email. Didn't read it. I know what I did wrong, I don't need it told to me again like some child, however I may have acted in the past, which was most of the email from what I glossed over.

Goooooooood riddance. I'm sure she feels the same goddamn way judging by the length of that letter. I didn't read it.

Oh, and that feeling I couldn't place in a previous post was revulsion. And at this point of course I know that's how she feels about me as well, most people do about their exes.

I made the decision to stop communication with her and put a stop to my foolishness after an email where I absolutely demanded she take her medication because goddamnit I spent a decent chunk of money on that shit. And then I got her reply email to that and realized that I was done being a demanding piece of shit, and decided that continuing communication with someone who didn't give a shit about me but I still gave a shit about wasn't good, much less getting mad about something I had absolutely no control over.

That day marked the end of an "era" for me, and now I have my issues under control, my anger, my sadness, my feelings are all under lock and key and managed accordingly. I don't need them brought back. And I've made way too many blog posts complaining about the state of my life back then.

And that's it. I've nothing else to say on the matter.

And now I'm looking to move out of my mom's house again. Gonne be tough considering my credit score :\.Which, is a whole 'nother story in and of itself, concerning Jake...

Now I'm just gonna watch Mary and the Witch's Flower and then go to work.

poast

https://www.reddit.com/r/greentext/comments/94257b/anon_has_a_friend/e3ib9x6/?context=3

I know there's nothing like it. I was with a girl for 6 years, dating + engaged.

We split, obviously. She had severe social anxiety (didn't leave the house for 2 years) and eventually I got her to go get medications after living with me for a year with no job, no paying rent, no paying bills, etc. and then she started fucking around with other guys online. I found out one night when I heard the "hot n heavy" breathing that women do when they're turned on/masturbating/whatever.

Yelled at her for three hours for not even letting ME fuck her (no sex for probably 3+ years. No blowies, nothin) but she'll theoretically jump on any guy's dick that's not me.

Six years of supporting someone who never went to try and fix themselves. I loved her and at the end she threw me and the relationship away like trash. I could just tell by her mannerisms and by how she spoke to me that it was completely thrown out of her head.

In the two years after that (actually 2 years last month) I've thought about it a lot and realized that she was probably banging around on the internet with other guys as well WAY before that shit happened at the end, I was just too blind to see it.

The entire year she lived with me I spiraled downward into a depression and wanted to kill myself. Drank a lot. Every night I would cry because I didn't actually want to kill myself, but the emotional pain was tearing me apart. Hearing her laugh while talking to other people on the internet was TERRIBLE to my psyche. And then the end came about and I was finally at peace and could finally live my life for who deserved it: me and only me.

So yeah. Killing yourself over someone is fucking retarded. You have one life to live and you shouldn't hurt your own life for someone else, period, men or women.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWTEE4SkCLY

Not being alone" "Nobody is alone" These are false statements to give people false hope.

The internet doesn't help people not feel alone, Mat. We can complain on the internet all we want and spout our feelings all we want on the internet, but the fact of the matter is, everyone is alone. It's how you deal with it that determines how you live your life. And if you can't deal with it, well...

I once wanted to kill myself. My life was terrible

There was no one there for me, but everyone was there for her.

And I built myself up from the ground up after hitting rock bottom, on my own.

A lot of people can't do that.

And a lot of people fail, and die.

And it sucks. But the mental fortitude needed for doing this, as a person, is huge. And we all have to do it on our own.

Because we are the only ones who truly understand who we are. No one else does. And Ronnie couldn't handle it and found an out from his own personal suffering and pain.

We will never know what Ronnie went through in his lifetime, nor should we. He could have shared with the entire internet what he went through. He could have shared what he went through with you, Mat, or any of the Game Theorist crew. But the truth is, is that we are all alone.

Words and pats on the back are meaningless if they're not helping to quell the daemons in our minds. And some of us handle our daemons that we make inside our minds from our experiences, better than others.

And some people need a way out from the endless suffering that is the hellscape of their mental states.

Ronnie found that way out.

Poast

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/91fn6u/people_who_didnt_forever_hold_their_peace_in_a/e2yg4iy/

This is how I'm afraid my current best friend-ship will end of 14 years almost. Lady was smoking hot previously and now she's a fat piece of lard that barely works (minimum wage 11/hr) and he's off selling office supplies for massive commission (really good money) and taking care of her kids, paying for them, buying them shit, paying off her house, planning to buy her ANOTHER car, fixing up their house in an HOA neighborhood, paying the fees, etc.

If he ever tells me he plans on marrying her I'm going to make sure that fucker gets a prenup and remind him of all those fights he's had with her and if he really wants to live with that the rest of his life, or get half his shit taken if he doesn't do a prenup.

Goddamn I don't understand why another person would want to take care of another person's fuckups. I love that fucker like the brother I never had (and I have 2 other actual brothers who are just fuckups) and it saddens me to see him be taken advantage of like this. But it's what "he wants" so I've been done trying to talk him out of anything relationship related for quite a few years now.

What the fuck...

is with women in post-apoc movies? I swear to god, they fuck shit up every time. Way too frieakin' sentimental about people they DO NOT need to care about.

I watched quite a few movies today, before work and I just got home and am watching a movie after work now called Here Alone. I watched The Road(no women really in that movie per se but the son was a fucking idiot and I hated him the whole time), some movie about robots on an island killing marines but a woman made them but fucked up the code so lol, and a zombie movie called The ReZort, which was actually decent except they made the woman out, who was with a guy in a relationship at the beginning of the movie, to be the "heroine" when all she did during the movie was get in the fucking way and then all of a sudden she can dash through fucking like 50 zombies and run from hundreds of runners, and jump off a cliff and have none of the zombies fucking come down with her and survive. Like the U.S. Military would LET anyone off that damn island, I was expecting her to be sniped in the water, but she wasn't.

At one point during the movie near the end bit I mentioned there, the boyfriend just tried to save his own hide and left her and some other dude to die in a room. He survived the first zombie war, idk how he expected to survive with a girlfriend. No use forming connections when zombies are around, personal connections will just weigh you down.

And now in this movie, called Here Alone as I mentioned, this lady is fucking complaining about having to forage for food when they literally cannot live in the city anymore, and keeps swapping mack and forth from her being with her husband, to her on her own, because obviously her husband died due to her fucking inconsideration.

Also, in The Road, the wife of the MC dude just up and left because she didn't wanna take care of their child. She just wanted to go out into the wilderness and die. Goddamn, you're just gonna leave your husband with your kid? Needless to say the kid was a fucking wimp, so there's that.

Also, Netflix movie descriptions are terrible and make me not WANT to watch the movie because they paint everything in a "happy" light, or a "joking" light. Please. Like a horror movie or a post-apoc movie wants to be painted in a "joking" light? MAKE ME WANT TO WATCH IT, not just think it's fucking lame.

The other day was funny though, I was cleaning out the shed and found some  meds and I was like 'lol scavenging for medicine' cause I found some old antibiotics.

Poast

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/8ybyvb/men_of_reddit_what_is_the_hardest_thing_about/

All men feel like this, no matter what. And it sucks. They get sucked into getting married and supporting kids that they perhaps did not want, or supporting the woman's kids, and it's fucking sad to watch those great men get washed into life's gutters and down the drain just for some fucking poon and "companionship". (Not knocking the men who stand up and take responsibility for these kids, my ex-stepdad(?) is one of them in my family, but it's not worth it for the current generation of 20-25 year old men to be doing).

Dude I've felt more companionship from playing Pokemon Ultra Sun and having the Pokedex ask me questions during my journey through the game than I ever felt from my now-ex. "Companionship" with women is so empty and fake. Male companionship is awesome and full of life but it ends because they want to fucking chase some fucking pussy and it ruins them in one way or another, and then you just end up with no friends at all, like me, OP, and most men in this thread.

It's lonely being a man and you have to support yourself emotionally, every day, no matter what. And it is a terrible life. But it's okay once you get used to it. Having built myself up from rock bottom after a terrible breakup after living for 7 years with my now-ex, by myself, talking to no one about my feelings, my issues, my day-to-day struggle with suicide, but her getting ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM EVERYONE IN HER LIFE, I say fuck bitches, get money.

No one cares about men. We're all fucking disposable to society. But society wouldn't be here without us.

R.I.P

The GOODEST BOI Knight died today at 10:46 AM at a vets office today. He was plagued by seizures for some time and since last night he almost had them non-stop. We loaded him into the back of the truck and I sat with him on the way to the vet's office. He had a relaxer used on him and then they euthanized him.

R.I.P Knight, may your afterlife be full of steaks and tug-o-war. Your struggle due to shitty surgeons is finally over.

CHEWING

Fucking chewing with your mouth closed in a public workspace.
If I am sitting next to you at work, I don't wanna hear your fucking lips smacking while eating some goddamn chips or ANYTHING ELSE you might be eating. A chip crunch is fine to get it in your mouth but after that, shut it. I admit I may have done this a couple times myself but at least I make an effort to keep my mouth shut while eating. Not like NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM for an hour straight eating a damn bag of chips.
God I could go on for days about this one fucking coworker who is an entitled prick. I tell him ONE TIME to stop doing that shit and he just stops being trained for work because 'Setari doesn't like it when I eat near him'.
No, I don't mind if you eat near me BUT YA GOTTA KEEP YA DAMN MOUTH CLOSED WHILE FUCKING CHEWING YOU IDIOT, especially if I'm on a damn phone call that you're supposed to be SHADOWING me for.
God I hope he gets fired

Whoop

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/8voy92/what_is_one_thing_you_can_tell_reddit_but_not/

>being a guy that's not a chad sucks

fix'd

Also agreed. I split up with my most recent ex 2 years ago and while I enjoy going to bed on my own and not supporting someone else, I wish sometimes I had someone to cuddle and sleep (ACTUALLY SLEEP) with. Maybe not wake up next to, but, yeah.

I'm pretty burnt out on life and it's getting tiring replacing the mental armor around my mind and soul every day to make sure nothing gets to me. I even developed a mental thing where whenever something bothers me I visualize myself putting it into a box and putting it next to a wall that's filled with hundreds of other things that have made me sad or angry. I even had to do it on the fly today (I usually don't, usually it's just when I'm zoning out at home or work) because my boss flipped face and told me something that directly was the opposite of what he told me previously.

Idk, it helps but I should probably see a therapist, but I'm too scared because I'm one of those people who just repeats their problems to a person over and over for reassurance and I *really* have to distance myself from people to not be attached to them.

Slightly unstable

Man, lately I have just had a whirlwind of feels lately. Not emotions, just being like... I dunno. Easily excitable? Not sure how to put it. And also a heavy 'contentedness' as well? And heavy meaning like... I dunno. It's so hard to put into words.

I dunno, maybe I just need to fap more. This week sucked butt cause I had to be at work by 12 on Monday, 9AM on Tuesday, 8 AM on  Wednesday, 10 AM Thursday, then I turned my alarms off and slept until fucking 4 AM when I woke up for some reason and just... ugh. I pulled my futon out into an actual bed and I feel like I slept better with it as a sofa, weirdly enough. I'm probably going to pull it back up tomorrow.

I also missed a whole week of SGDQ basically (Summer Games Done Quick) because of training as well, though admittedly I did not keep tabs on when they started, so, my fault really lol. But It's been enjoyable watching anyway.

I bought a game for 3 dollars called Force of Nature on Steam during the sale, it's quite... interesting. Crafting takes a LONG time in the game, but luckily you can just have workbenches craft stuff on their own, you can grow plants, you build a forge and a few storage huts and barrels and stuff. Basically a survival game without food/water needs, you just use drinks to restore stamina/food to restore HP. I've also been playing a decent bit of WoW BFA Beta (World of Warcraft Battle for Azeroth Beta) since I got in, and I don't need a sub to play, huehuehuehuheuheue.

Now I'm baking frakkin like 21 loaves of bread. Which will take like 30 minutes IRL. It takes a long ass time to do this shit in this game (FoN).

I dunno, I just wanted to write. I have been thinking about looking for therapy as well, but I am not sure really if I want to take time out of my days to go to therapy when I get along alright. I can't really ask anyone for opinions since that's a 'me' thing and not a thing that's an opinion from other people, if that makes sense.

I just feel really frazzled and out of sorts I guess. I dunno. In the training class we were working with two girls that were being trained for a different department at my place of work, and they just tossed us in there because that other department's work is kind of similar to ours-ish. Anyway, while I was in there I was working closely with one of the girls being trained, just due to seat placement (it was just me + my other co-worker (who I have such a shitty opinion about, but maybe that's for another blog post), and my boss) and she touched my shoe with her shoe and... let's just say I still have some work to do in terms of women touching me, even if it's through shoes. Though I generally don't want ANYONE touching me in general I suppose, but that sent my mind basically off the rails for a little while. I dunno, I just didn't like having that feeling of a woman touching me and sending me into one of those fucking weeb/incel mindsets of 'oh she likes me' when in reality it was just a foot touch on accident. God, I hate that shit so much and I wish there was a way to turn it the fuck off, because that has no place in my life anymore. At all.

Welp them loafes of brud are almost dun so I'll just hop back over to my game. New journal entries soon probably.

What the fuck man

So tonight I went to fap. Obviously Pornhub is my go-to since it's safe and I'm tired of googling for other websites. Most of them nowadays are probably full of viruses. But before I go off on a tangent, I'm going to stick to what I wanted to put out there.

I went to Pornhub to look for something to fap to. I usually browse over the first two categories on the page which are maybe like 6 videos each but I just watch the little thumbnails to see what's being liked in the U.S. and stuff. I'm trying to condition myself to going back to at least CGI3D women fucking dudes, but I've been looking at futanari for so long it's hard for me to do since that's what gets me off, but, eh. To be honest I'm not too concerned with it. Slow and steady wins the race I guess. But who doesn't like a dick on a lady fucking another lady? Just tons of dem tiddies everywhere, I say!

Anyway, I saw one thumbnail that was literally a bunch of women with the lower half of their bodies naked, in a room where guys just walk in and fuck them, basically I guess a... reverse... women's... glory hole... or something? Not sure what you'd call that. But, holy fuck that turned me off faster than you can say 'bananahammock'. Like what the fuck. How can guys do that around other guys much less other women or people in general.

Ugh. Society makes me sick. And those women VOLUNTEERED to be filmed for that shit too. Like what the fuck. I mean, so did the guys so whatever, they're trash too. EVERYONE IS TRASH!

Looks like no porn for a few days while I scrub that from my memory. Jeesh. Ugh.

Post 28

1/30/17

1:30 AM

I can still remember our last hug. Her warmth, her arms around me, my arms around her. I can still smell her shampoo on her. Her fruity Juicy Fruit smelling deodorant. I can feel her arms around me if I really concentrate.

I... I don't really know if I want to remember this. I cherished that hug at the time. I vowed to remember it forever, because I knew she would never come back to me. I... I wouldn't turn her away if she wanted to come back. But, I... I just feel like I went through what she did with me in the space of a month what she got to try and cope with for years. And we were broken up, not even together. There was no reason for me to care at that point. I just... I wish she would have forced it down my throat at the time I talked to my ex that THAT was my second chance if I wanted to actually use it on something dumb like that. I wish she would have drilled it into me. I wish it was like baseball where it was 3 chances instead of two. She can stick to that but can't stick to not schlicking while a man that still loves her is in the house with another guy.

I don't get women. They don't make sense at all to me. You don't care about the guy that has a dick that could pleasure you better than you rubbing yourself off of some guy's voice on the internet.

I should say, you didn't care enough to care that I was here to do that shit stuff on the internet with a random fu guy on the internet, so why would you care about having sex with me? You were obviously just trying to get off, and you didn't care that I was here. So... just what? Like, it makes no sense.

I'm not mad, but this will always befuddle me. I will try for the rest of my life to understand this. It is said that Einstein once tried to devote his life to understanding women. He switched subjects to fucking PHYSICS, (6/13/18 Note: Turns out this may have been Stephen Hawking upon attempting to find a source for this, but whatever) and the related sciences. One of the hardest subjects known to mankind over understanding WOMEN. That's how fucked women are, in the head. A fucking GENIUS could not figure out women and moved to the hardest subject in human existence to understand and further humanity, instead of frigging trying to understand WOMEN.

I... just... wat.

Well now it's almost 2 AM. Maybe I should change clothes and clean now. We'll see. I'm going to put this entry into a blog post online first.

(6/13/18 Note: lel I never did ain't that a hoot)

Post 27

1/28/17

10:04 PM

Watching The Flash right now. I haven't changed out of my work pants because it's so cold. I don't really mind but it'd be nice to cuddle up in bed under my sheets and have muh phone on & reading my favorite series right now.

I actually haven't talked a lot about the new series I'm reading, unfortunately it's not a real book, it's a kindle book, but it's still really good. Almost a good as a real book - worth it. It's called uh... The Land series. I read through the first one which is The Land: Forging Chaos Seeds: Book I. The second which I'm almost done with it The Land: Founding Chaos Seeds: Book II, I will have to ask Azorath about that. He said the author had like 50 books planned though.

The book genre is LitRPG. It basically reads like someone playing an RPG game in real life...ish sort of thing I guess? Anyway this is my favorite book series now, and favorite genre. Hell, maybe one day I'll try writing one of my own. To fail at but still.

The Flash is getting good, fo' REAL.

(6/13/18 NOTE: You can read my current LitRPG book here: https://royalroadl.com/fiction/11702/swordgate )

Post 26

1/27/17

10:18 PM

Well I can't say the treadmill hasn't been working. And shit I actually burned far off my pecs, apparently last night. I looked in the mirror this morning and I burnt a bunch of fat off them. I can even feel it if I grab them. I just want the gut to go away though. Liposuction? I dunno.

I started writing this though because I wanted to mention that coming home is the best time of the day for me now. Nobody's here to judge what I do, ask questions, whatever. I just change out of my work clothes, sit down and snuggle into my comfy chair, lean back, eat & watch something.

Solitude has never been better.

(6/12/18 Note: AND IT STILL IS, LUL)

Post 25

1/27/17

11:12 AM

Well cooking a couple potatoes to eat right now. Man every morning since I had Haley leave the first thing I want to do is check for emails from her. But I know there won't be any. Even just a "I know you didn't want to talk but hi anyway" would be nice. But that's not how women work. She's got her own beta orbiters by now on WoW I'm sure and just masturbating with whoever wants to.

Man even with girls like her they still get gravitated to Chads and fuck em. I never would have thought she's do it too but... she's not different from any other woman I see. I'm just disappointed, more than angry.

Potatoes are done, time to eat! I'm buying and cooking chicken next paycheck hopefully.

Oh yeah, I had the wrong burner on yesterday for the mac n cheese & on the right one there was a piece of cardboard. Almost burnt my apartment down heh. I did it though. Just ate out of the pot. The macaroni & cheese was... it was alright. Not bad but not worth the money I spent on it.

Post 24

1/27/17

1:35 AM

Just got back from the gym w/ Victor. Making some Cracker Barrel mac n' cheese that I got when Haley was here. I was thinking about keeping it but I'm starving after the gym. I used a new workout thing too that I can do at home with a workout tool Victor gave me. It has little styrofoam things in it I put over my door and use muh fat body weight to exercise. I burned about 550 or 500 calories today. Probably not how much I put in but hey I'm trying. We were there for like 2 1/2 hrs tonight.

I was only planning to be there an hour but he was there for longer so I decided to use one of the other machines. My shoulders are jelly now.

Another minute till mac is done maybe. The noodles are really thick and swirly textured. It's weird haha.

Post 23

1/25/17

12:02 PM

Konosuba 2nd season released the other day. I'm on the second episode now. This series is gud. Also there's a new anime in the Stein's; Gate saga apparently called Chaos; Child. Possibly connected to Chaos; Head maybe? I guess I'll find out later. I've only got a bit before work so I'mma just chill.

Post 22

1/24/17

7:20 PM

Who gives a fuck

Well, been watching Wanderbutts today for most fo the day since like 2. I asked my dad for ten bucks for rent and he gave me $50. So now I have money money to buy food with too. Yay! Until my next paycheck on the 2nd of the month of February. I need to figure out a better budget for next month which I'll probably do tonight while waiting for Wander. Also have to reschedule dentist appointment cause I didn't go before work the other day, whoops. Off to make a budget.

Post 21

1/23/17

12:48 PM

Welp almost time fer work again. I got denied by Comcast again even under a different email so I guess I'll wait a few months.

I can't wait until next month when I decide where all my money is going. I CANCELLED ORIGIN ACCESS TODAY! Whee. Gonna set up bills for February right now. Before work I guess.

Post 20

1/22/17

Follow me, Sons of Russ!

This night, our enemies shall feel the fangs of the wolf!

Watching Lilyhammer, on season 5. This is a really good show. Top tier!

It took Haley a whole fucking 24 hrs to email me back. Geezus. Like fucking seriously? Staying friends my fucking ass.

I'm off to play some stuff. Fuck people, fuck women, fuck everything. But mostly, fuck women. Even the most virtuous virgin gets turned into a slut after having sex for the first time, and right as they break up with you they just seek cock out like no tomorrow.

I ain't even mad.

Post 19

 1/21/17

9:27 PM

Removed Haley from all messaging services and sent her an email pretty much saying have fun fucking 20 guys. I'm done with being patient and kind to women. I'm going to live for myself, by myself, supporting myself, and have fun by myself. Haley said she would still talk to me but since she got her computer back she barely said 5 words to me (not literally but probably 30 mins - 3 hours between responses. So fuggit. I don't need to talk to her. All I need is food, money, & streams.

I can do this.

I CAN.

Also I wrote a text to my dad saying that I didn't know where else I'd apply to but I'm not worrying about it right now. And I sent this:

Yeah, Idk where else I would apply. Now that I'm by myself I'm well off so I can't complain. I just deleted Haley from all communication, she not really talk to me. Prefer to play WoW and dick around with other guys I guess. Not my problem.

Next text:

But I do want to say I'm sorry you didn't get to see us a lot when we were kids bc of mom. She said a lot of shitty things about you that made us adverse to seeing you even if it wasn't true, and I know it wasn't true now. I know you paid out your ass for child support and to try to be around us and I can't even imagine how you felt. I know it's not my fault but I am sorry for all that stuff, and I just want to let you know I do love you Dad.

You never asked for anything from us, you never threw away our gifts like mom did all the time, our cards we gave you, and so much more stuff. In the meantime mom is asking of everything from us add (and) we can't even comply most of the time. And I want you to know that although it's long overdue, I appreciate everything you ever did for me, Drake and Joel. I hope you know that even though it might not feel like it a lot of times.

I'm super hungry so I'm going to go eat, but I want to write about this more later, after I eat.