WELL I MOVED

Welp, I'm in Illinois now. I told my dad what was happening with my eviction, he told my brother, my brother spent a fuckton of money on me to fly me out to live with my mom's ex-friend who he was living with (fake "aunt" person sorta kinda). I appreciate the gesture, but this whole shabang made me realize something:

I'm a fucking sociopath.

Through all of this I've felt nothing. I mean, yeah when I got the eviction letter I was like "the fuk am i gon do" but I mean I would have just walked out of there if it came down to it. Would I like it? No, and I probably would have offed myself at the first opportunity since I do NOT want to be begging on the streets for change and shit. But saying bye to Jake... I felt nothing. Saying bye to everyone at work, I felt nothing. I will however miss the workplace for the... lax environment. Saying bye to Zander, I felt nothing. I was nervous as all hell for myself on the plane.

I guess when I texted Jake that I was moving out of state he actually started crying a bit, and he told me his gf asked him like, "are you crying?" and he said "yeah rob's my best friend and he's leaving".

I felt nothing. 0 feelings. He's my best friend and I just felt absolutely nothing. I mean I've been this way a long time, and maybe it's because he's... pretty much been out of my life for a while now. Sure we may have said a few words in passing to each other on Steam, but we really never had much to talk about nowadays. And we were in different industries so we couldn't relate on jobs. Or on girlfriends.

Though, the night before I was leaving, that day we went out to the new Raising Cains that was put up, that was some fucking gooood chicken. And then we went to see the new Jumanji 2: The Next Level, that was a good movie. I still think it was a missed opportunity to have it be like "JUMANJII: The next level" or whatever. Cause the 2 i's. like 2. ii. heahuehu. I thought it was good.

Anyway, we were chilling in his car and his relationship comes up and I'm like "oh boy here we go" mentally. Like, a little bit. But man this guy is a glutton for punishment. He could up and leave and never return to be with this lady who is treating him like shit and drinking like 5 24 packs of beer a week. All she does is drink. And just... so much other stuff. And I'm like, dude, motherfuckin leave her, she's so bad for you it's stupid.

But I understand what he wants, because it's the same thing I wanted once upon a time when I was a kid. To have a "nuclear family", i.e. a dad, a mom, a son, a daughter. I wanted my life to be like frieakin' Leave It To Beaver (I think that was the name of the show?). And I mentioned that to him and he was like, yes that's what I want. But... in today's society you're never going to get that. Women have absolutely 100% of the power, at least in the USA, and literally this dude has ONE corner of "their" bedroom to himself. His computer desk. The rest of the house is "hers". And she wants him to put his name on the house. Like bruh, it's literally entrapment rn. She's gonna stop paying on the house because she wants to play "stay at home mom", i.e. chug beer all day and do jack shit, while this dude out busting his fuckin' ass tryina pay the damn mortgage and the cars and the bills! He's expressed as much to me as well, which is the only reason why I say that.

Literally all the stereotypical red flags are there. She faked being into his interests, reeled him in, and then just fucking became a fucking fat potato with no reason to live other than to drink beer. Hell, her kids like being at their dads' (yeah, dads', all 3 kids are from diff dads. Where's the child support? Who knows?!) more than they like being at their house. Jake loves the kids though and I can't fault him for that, he talks about them a lot. But like... dude. I'm not saying she used up but she used up. She went around, fuckin popped out 3 kids and now expects a man to "take care of her life and her spawn" while she gets to not work and he gets to bust his ass. She even passed up a managerial position because "it's too much wooooork". LIKE YEAH IT'S A MANAGER POSITION BUT YOU GET THE FUCKIN PAY RAISE WITH IT! They would have been making 20 to 25k a year more if she had taken the job. And I'm sure it's all just "hey get back to work" and paperwork and shit. Again, he expressed all this to me which is why I know the specifics.

Just every stereotypical red flag. Accusing of cheating, wanting to "stop working", etc. I'm too tired rn to think of the rest, but we literally talked for 2 hours about this stuff. I found out she physically laid hands on him too, apparently she shoves him around a lot. Never hits, but shoves around. Man I would not stand for that, personally. But... I'm not him. But I could correlate a lot of experiences to my own experiences with Haley, there were so many parallels it was stupid. I'm glad he got to vent to me about it though, and I know he sees me living my "woman-free life" and is envious af. I dunno.

If he ever breaks up with her and moves out, I told him I'd immediately fly back down there to move in with him. We'd live like fuckin' kings dude. Minimalists through and through, the best kind of living. I'd be making way less than him, but still.

Man this new place has a lotta weird sounds. I'm in the "basement level" and I guess they forgot to install a pillar for the floor above this floor, so the floor constantly sounds like it's creaking. And now there's just a banging noise. Ugh. I'm gonna have fun sleeping tonight, if I even do. I'm just wide awake from that flight man. I played Rebel Inc. on my phone the whole flight cause I was too afraid to get up and get my Switch (huge hassle anyway).

Can't wait to see my dad though! And my grandma I suppose. The rest of the "extended family", nah. Apparently they're all brats. Ugh. UGGGGH. Aunt's still a bitch, I hear.

What to do... MHW I guess. Or something.

just kill me

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Welp

Welp. Got paid 836 817 and my rent is 899. Gonna add another 100 dollars of late fee next month . Can't pay my bills for electric and internet cause my entire paycheck went into rent.

I dunno. Let myself down. Let everyone who helped me to get here down. Let my cat down that I'll never get to see again.

I was gonna ask my dad for money but there's... too much. 130 for internet, 50 for electric, 50 for the month for the bus to work. I decided to walk to work so I guess scratch that for right now but still. And then another almost hundo anyway for the rent to clean that up. I legitimately do not know what to do.

I'm bout to get real skinny over the next 2 weeks though cause I'm going to have ZERO food in my apartment besides fuckin' ketchup and condiments and I won't be able to afford anything to eat at work.

Right now I have uh... like half a mod pizza my boss got for me today, 2 uh... taquito rolls and... 2 mints in a tin on my desk. And some vitamin c sunkist tablets. And... some 1 year old frozen chicken that I honestly do not know is safe to consume. I did eat one like 2 weeks ago and felt fine but I'm probably gonna wait until I'm dying of hunger to cook one. Uh... that's it. Maybe a ramen packet or two somewhere, I'll have to find them.

I guess I could put an extension on my internet, but then I have to pay it with my frieakin next paycheck which is for rent. /sigh oh god my phone bill too is like 30 bucks. Dammit.

It was a good run boys. I'll probably have offed myself 2 weeks from now, but we'll see I guess. Oh yeah a student loan payment was supposed to come out of this paycheck too lol, I better go cancel that shit.

Now in like a year or two they'll garnish my wages. Cancelled the auto debit thank lawdy.

Today was okay, so... why

So today was alright. Got a lotta stuff done at work.

Then I'm just sitting here zoning out tryina find something to watch on YouTube cause I can't ever find anything frieakin lengthy to run in the background while I play stuff (I tried podcasts but I am unable to find any good funny ones) and just...

The suicidal thoughts just creep up on me. Just the sweet caress of death just runs its hand over my brain like a beautiful woman running her hand over a man's back. "You'll never go anywhere in life", "You suck", "You're worthless", "You can't do anything right", "You'll never find someone to be with" (I hardly care about that one, I'm just writing them as they surface basically) "You're trash" "Scum" "Everyone hates you and doesn't want to be around you", "You'll never make enough money", "You're always going to be stressed as fuck all the time", "Everyone thinks you're worthless and pitiful", "You're fucking retarded, you couldn't understand basic coding but everyone else around you can", "You didn't even finish a 2 year college course, you SUCK", "You'll never make anything out of your damn life, just end it you sack of shit waste of oxygen on this damn planet", aaaaaaaand it stopped. K.

I wave em away mentally like a swarm of mosquitoes but they just flutter back in eventually. Can I get some fuckin' OFF for my brain pls? I mean yeah, one lady's email today fucked up cause she fuckin was tryina export mail from Outlook 2010 to Outlook 2019 and that shit is always risky, and she lost her inbox of emails but OH WELL BITCH.

ugh. I was playing a team randomizer in pokemon crystal but I just fastforward the gameplay and it's not fun if I'm able to do that. I'm out of stuff to play, again. Maybe I should just resub to WoW... 😫

motherfucking dumb-ass idiots

God.

So there's a bus that is supposed to come by my work at approximately 10:31 to take me home. I was at the stop at 10:20. I was there until 11:30 and no bus came by. BUT THE BUS DID GO BY ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROAD AT 10:30 LIKE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO.

Fucking incompetency I swear. It's one thing to half-ass your job like I do some days but just outright not doing it is fucking inconveniencing tons of people. I literally do not have money for Lyfts.

Now I have to go into work at 1 PM and catch the bus earlier cause I'm leaving at 9 PM from now on bitches. They don't wanna pay me more I gotta fuckin' accommodate myself.

mfer

They're literally giving a training course on shit I need to progress literally next to me in the next department.

Every day I stray a little closer to the goddamn noose

dsgfs

sdfgasdfdsfefdsefrseeafdsa

Idk what I'm doing. I went home from work early today. Today has just been so fucking bad. I'm not gonna be able to pay rent because stupid Earnin dug me into the fucking ground. I'm considering going and buying a rope cause it's over for me at the end of the month. I'll probably go do it tomorrow.

Over the past week my mental health has just deteriorated to wet shreds of tissue paper and I can't do this stupid shit anymore. I can't fucking do anything right, I'm slacking at work because of it. I'm tired of giving my all and getting nothing in return. Our boss was supposed to bring food for us today (I haven't eaten anything in 3 days) and I had to forward myself money to buy a frozen dinner from Walgreens.

I have no friends to hang out with, no one to talk to, no one cares about me IRL, maybe a couple people do online who wouldn't really notice I'm gone. I'm just fucking dead in the water.

I'm gonna have to go find a sturdy tree or something I guess.

I wish I could just be a pleb and just take no responsibility for my own actions and just "leave everything in god's hands" or some dumbass shit so I just wouldn't have to care about anything in my life at all or some fuckin' jazz. I'm even gonna lose another 61 dollars this paycheck to student loans. I can't even afford 61 dollars man. Fuck.

Edit later: now i have alcogol let eht games beghin

Don't understand.

So recently I've been thinking about attraction between men and women... and I don't get it. It's kind of driving me into the ground whenever I think about it more and more.

Like... god I guess so many questions are floating around about that. Obviously it's a chemical effect in the brain upon becoming "attached" via "feelings", which are still all chemical effects happening in the brain, on both sides. But there is no way a 9/10 woman would be sleeping with a 5/10 dude unless he was seriously funny, and even then I'm pretty sure she'd be sleeping around on the side anyway. Nice guys finish last, and all that.

I really just don't understand "attraction" between sexes. Like, at this point if a woman said she was attracted to me and wanted to bang or have a relationship or something, I'd be scared witless, I wouldn't pursue that in any capacity and I'd actually be quite frightened.

Emulating the situation, she'd say something, and my train of thought would immediately be: Is this a joke? If it's not a joke, what does she want from me? There's no way anyone can feasibly like me, my past is proof of that. I can't get involved with anyone or I'll fuck them up. Okay, I'm just going to tell her "Not right now, but I'm flattered".

Of course I'm kind of putting myself on a pedestal here, I'm a fucking potato with legs for christ's sake. Of course none of that would actually happen to me, that shit only happens to good looking dudes.

But I guess I haven't really hit the nail on the head of basically what I'm trying to say here and I probably never will, but why are the sexes attracted to each other? And by sexes here I mean male and female, not some weird attack helicopter shit. Moreover, why are women conditioned to want to shove a dick in? Why are guys programmed to shove that dick in a hole?

I'm probably thinking way too deeply into this, but whenever I do I end up just basically drowning in thoughts for a while about it until I find something else to think about.

This has also come up because I was thinking about my previous relationship (isn't every post like this connected in some way, damn.) and how I didn't really feel anything when I kissed her or was generally close to her sexually. I highly enjoy hugs and stuff with clothes on. I dunno, maybe because she didn't really do anything spontaneously to me? Then again I did kind of discourage that, big oof on my part. The more days that pass the more I think about just hiring an escort or something just to *literally* sleep with me overnight or something to snuggle.

I was also considering mentioning that to my psych, but I don't think it's important. I'm pretty much a sociopath deep down and that would explain the lack of feelings all around during that whole relationship, but am I if I just seek companionship at the least and... well, let's be honest, a wet hole to fuck to relieve myself at a maximum? I do hate wording it like that though since my main problem is not having someone to talk about stuff with and just... have conversations over sex, but still. But I'm pretty sure I'm incapable of genuinely loving someone, so that's kind of how it'd work out I guess.

I'm getting too deep in my head right now, I think I'm gonna go play Death Stranding or zone out listening to Youtube. I... I just want to understand. I just want to see what that feels like, what drives a person to want to be around another person in a romantic way? Agh. I'll never know, and if it happened to me [again], I'd flee for the hills because I don't understand it, and there are way too many things that could ruin my life in it.

Today has been a day.

A pin on my scooter broke last night. Took a Lyft home, put my scooter in the trunk, and when I took it out the pin holding the handlebars up was gone so it just folded down despite me locking it into place. Today I had to spend $15 dollars because I don't know screw sizes or whatever and I ended up buying the wrong kind, so I looked like an idiot going back into Lowes after I was just in there. And then I had to, during that whole thing, actually OPEN the product to see if it fit, so now there's a bunch of butterfly screws and bolt bags that are just open at Lowes because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS FUCKING SHIT.

Then I found out the day before as well (sunday) that my fucking jeans were ripped. The jeans that Jake helped me out with that were 60 dollars (that I paid him back for, but still). Those were some comfy motherfuckin jeans. And now I have a set of khakis and a pair of... stretchy jeans? They feel stretchy so idk. And the inseam on the left side of the pant leg just constantly rubs against my leg, even when I'm sitting. So I ended up buying a belt (that was the wrong size because I'm a dumbass and didn't pay attention to the actual size on the belt but instead looked at the sizing chart on the back), 2 pairs of pants and I gave 20 dollars to the lyft driver that helps me out, so I ended up spending $80 today which was everything I had in my account, so I gave myself $30 from Earnin.

Then I just went home because I was so fucking mentally exhausted. I played a little of Death Stranding (great game btw holy fuuuuck) and during it I was like "fuck me I gotta go to work man" so I ended up going at 5:30ish and just had ONE long appointment that I had scheduled from 6 PM to 9 PM, turns out I didn't even do any of the prep work for the appointment, PAST ME FUCKING SCREWED FUTURE ME OVER. This guy has been so patient with all the reschedules and I just feel terrible for a lot of these people because their work's not getting done because I can't fucking get it done fast enough god fucking damn it.

I left at 10:30 because I just felt like shit, hit 2 huge rocks on the way home on my scooter, jamming my wrist, and my right arm just has a permanent fucking cramp in it I guess now.

Now I'm home and I'm just waiting for a nuke to land on my apartment just to really fuck me over today.

My boss messaged me at work saying he saw I clocked in and he hoped I was okay, and I thought of that just now as I was throwing away a salad from QT I got a couple days ago that I just picked at, and yknow what, I'm not okay, and I haven't been OKAY for fucking YEARS because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ADULT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUCKING WILLPOWER. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE SELF-CONTROL. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STAY ON TOP OF TASKS. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RIP MYSELF AWAY FROM WHAT I WANT TO DO, AND INSTEAD WASH MY CLOTHES OR CLEAN MY KITCHEN.

Is everyone like this? Is everyone just as unprepared for life as I was? Am? I'll never know because that's not something you can ask someone and get a straight answer on. I still just mentally feel 18 and I hate it, man. I'm almost fucking 30 and I'm just... god-awful at everything. I did forget to buy rope from Lowes though, man. I just... I just need to have it around. To be honest as soon as I get fired I'm just going to do it that day though.

On that topic I was thinking, what the f do suicide hotlines do for people? They let people rant and rave over the phone and then what? Their problems aren't fixed, not by any means, and they're still in the same shit situation they were in an hour ago, or yesterday, or whatever. Venting helps with feelings, but unless you do something about your situation, nothing's gonna change. And to taking my own advice, I say: I need money, thanks.

Good god it's like every regret I've ever had in life is just murdering my brain right now, and now I'm starting to cry and I don't even know why. I'm not even fucking sad damn it. NOTHING HAPPENED

reddit post 2

https://www.reddit.com/r/DoesAnybodyElse/comments/duahct/dae_get_frustrated_when_you_lose_interest_in/

Yep. Been wondering if other people have been feeling like this too.

I get an itch to play something, play it for an hour, then close it out and look at my steam library or my Playstation library and then I can't decide on anything and go see what's on Youtube. Then I want to play something with Youtube playing in the background (I really like playing games with verbal background noise, but Podcasts never do it for me for some reason) but I don't know what to play.

This has been my life for the last few years and it's fucking terrible. I used to find so much quality and wonder in games. Every new game I wanted had a unique storyline, or was just fun to play outright along with the story. But recently every game has just been shit and predictable as hell. There have been no UNIQUE MMORPGs, no unique RPGs, RTS games, etc. I can only go back to Dawn of War so many fucking times before it gets stale as fuck.

Even recently my buddy bought me Borderlands 3 (the 100 dollar package too, which I didn't really need but he wants to play DLC with me) and throughout the whole time we played I was just bored. The dialogue was shit, the gameplay was THE SAME. "Huehuehu gun that shoots guns tho!" Yeah they added some fancy new graphics but the story was shit, again. The whole Borderlands franchise is crap.

The real thing that brought me back a while ago was playing Monster Hunter World, solo. Fucking hell that game is tough, but absolutely fair. I got addicted af to that and I would recommend it on PC as well if you've already played it on PS4, just for the mods lol.

The other game that I played over this last weekend was Death Stranding. I'm at work right now and I'm just JONESING to play more of that shit dude. It's almost scary how much I feel like I NEED TO PLAY IT right now.

It's just fetch quests and delivery quests but goddamn the story behind the game as well as a post-apoc but futuristic society using another dimension to add to our own is fucking mind blowing, and never have I seen that done so well in a game. I think I might actually platinum this game and I hope after finishing it the game lets you continue with your gameplay and not load an old save. It's UNIQUE. It's what I've been looking for a game to give me a feeling of: accomplishment and moving forward as well as being FUN to play. I can't remember the last time I had as much fun playing a game as Death Stranding is. I literally spent 5 hours or more yesterday and 2 hours this morning slogging through snow and over fucking mountains to deliver some friggin fossils and medicine and shit. It was SO SLOW. But the meticulous route planning (or just going as the crow flies I guess which is what I was doing for a lot of the game) and following that path and encountering PTs in the rain and having to fix your packages and shit, there's just so many UNIQUE things here and it taps every piece of my brain just right every time I play it. I probably put 36 hours into it over the course of the last 3 days.

I miss gaming. I miss looking forward to the next cool release. I miss unique games that had charm all their own, and they're so few and far in-between that I basically have no purpose in life now, and it's been extracting a heavy toll on me lately. I really hope the game industry bounces back.

reddit psot

From user detsnam:

So when women or their SO makes romantic gestures to men, do they like it?

You're a little bit off the mark—you're actually describing an inversion of the gendered roles here (i.e. the woman is an active contributor while the man is a passive recipient or responder). While a man will appreciate such a gesture, it's not quite what composes the male romantic fantasy (more on this later).

Do men that were heavily pursued by women feel this way?

Men who aren't used to being pursued are usually confused or thrown off by the reversal of gendered roles. The result is the prevailing idea that men do not respond well to being approached first by women or even the autobiographical accounts from men describing instances where they couldn't respond well even if they were attracted to the woman approaching them. This is the men being shocked out of the traditional "script" of romance.

Secondly, when you talk about women pursuing men, that usually happens in a markedly different fashion than the way in which men pursue women (hint: it's more passive). A woman "aggressively" pursuing a man looks more like said woman going to extensive lengths to make it clear that she is available for pursuit rather than actively pursuing; the man is still usually leading things forward in some manner by handling the logistics of this romance. This is where you get those autobiographical stories from men about missing signals; "aggressive" pursuit from women is (usually) a set of passive signals that are clear to men who are experienced, but unclear to men not used to being "pursued."

I wonder if this is true in same sex male couples too.

I do too. I talk with a homosexual friend about stuff like this a lot, maybe I'll bring it up next time I see him.

The Male Romantic Fantasy

I'd say that men usually feel most loved when this normal state of affairs is negated; when they are made to believe that a woman's love is not conditional in the cause-and-effect manner described in the parent post. Love is work for men, but it can be rewarding work when things are going smoothly and the woman is happy as a result. But the male romantic fantasy is to be shown that the woman feels the same way and stands by him when he's down on his luck, when the money's not there, or when he's not feeling confident. He wants to know that the love he believes he's earned will stay even when the actions that feed it wane (however temporarily). A good woman can often lift a man up in his times of need and desperation and weather the storm even when things aren't going well. The male romantic fantasy is an enduring and unconditional love that seems to defy this relationship of labor and reward. A man wants to be loved for who he is, not for what he does in order to be loved.

An interesting way to examine this is to look at what women often call romantic entitlement. An entitled guy is a dude who maintains an unrealistic notion of men's typically active role in love. Before acknowledging reality, this boy uncompromisingly believes that he shouldn't have to do anything or change anything about himself to earn a woman's love; he wants to be loved for who he is, not what he does.

All men secretly want this, but there comes a day when they eventually compromise out of necessity. After that day, they may spend years honing themselves, working, shaping themselves into the men they believe women want to be chosen by. A massive part of what causes boys to "grow up" is the realization that being loved requires hard work. This impetus begins a journey where a boy grows into a man by gaining strength, knowledge, resources, and wisdom. The harsh realities of the world might harden and change him into a person his boyhood self wouldn't recognize. He might adopt viewpoints he doesn't agree with, transgress his personal boundaries, or commit acts he previously thought himself incapable of. But ultimately, the goal is to feel as if his work is done.

When he can finally let go of the crank he continually turns day after day in order to earn love and, even if only for a moment, it turns by itself to nourish him in return, that is when he will know he is loved.

fantasies of death

The amount of times I've zoned out thinking of just being dead is astounding. Moreover thinking of the effects that I would have on everyone in my life which is absolutely 0 effect besides maybe on my dad since he's the only part of my family I talk to.

Jeez I am thinking about a lot of morose stuff right now, just zoned out thinking about when we went to put Knight down at the vet. Big oof.

I got dressed to go get some soda but I'm sitting here writing and I don't really know why... I skipped an ADHD pill yesterday cause I forgot it and just took my normal one today but tbh, I... really can't tell if the pills are doing anything anymore. Would I notice the effects waning after 1 day of not taking them? Probably not, right? Idk /shrug.

I'm going to the psych again this week and tbh I never have much to say to the guy. Sometimes I do think about doubling up on a dose just to see what would happen since I really want to FOCUS on whatever I'm doing, not... what I currently do which is still do whatever I want at work. For christ's sakes I watch TLM at work on the computer whenever I can from 5 PM to 8 PM. Customer hangs up? Bring up stream. Waiting on migration? Bring up stream. Making users in Office 365? Bring up stream (if it's a lot of users lol).

I think it's because I feel like a part of a community there whereas at work and outside of work... I don't have anything. Even if I wanted to seek out someone who wanted a relationship, much less attempting to find people to be friends with, I don't even know how.

That and I am not interesting in the slightest to the a single person on the planet. Sure, I could fake my way into shit but... ugh, it's not even worth entertaining that notion since that's definitely manipulation which I want to stay away from. If a group of friends doesn't like that I basically have nothing going on in my life then I don't think they're the friends for me.

I do entertain the notion of suicide a lot though. I asked on Reddit in a comment if talking to a psychologist about suicidal thoughts (especially after starting these meds) is okay but I've been led to believe that you would basically be immediately carted off to the looney (loony?) bin if you even mentioned that you wanted to pinprick your finger of your own accord, much less off yourself. I can't afford that time off work, and I don't want to be away from my apartment for that long. My computer is basically the only thing I live for now. (I didn't get an answer on the Reddit comment :( )

Maybe I'll order a pizza with money I don't have to cheer myself up. /shrug

I was just thinking Mage is really lucky to have a friend to play games with every weekend and have his own online community. Every time I find someone to play with in a game I get really attached to them and then either they fall off the face of the Earth or they stop playing that specific game and then I just go back to playing whatever on my own again.

Been having a lot of fun with American Truck Simulator though, Euro Truck Sim 2 is pretty good as well but as for environments... it's kind of sucky compared to the environment in American Truck Sim. They should really put out a Euro Truck Sim 3 with better environments. Lack of actual "cities" in the game is terrible too, in both games. Cities are just little spots with like 5 to 10 buildings. That's it. That's not a city -_- but whatever, it's still fun to drive. I just speed through every delivery because I make WAY more money speeding through red lights and stuff per minute than actually going the speed limit lololol.

Okay I'm gon order pizza. Ciao.

Also, a separate post [Netflix Daybreak show Spoilers]

So I was watching Daybreak on Netflix and I ended up sitting at my computer and binging (binge-ing? Bingeing?) the whole thing last night from like, episode 3 to 10 from where I was when I was watching it before my days off, and holy jesus they played up the virgin MC like a damn fiddle.

The MC (Mark? I forgot his name) liked a character named Sam in the show, and they end up getting together via stereotype, loner kid with no friends in school with the popular pretty girl in school being in a relationship. However, there ends up being a sort of "flashback episode" that shows how they got together, and for a lot of the show you're led to believe that they're in a relationship and he's basically looking for her in a zombie apocalypse in his smallish town that's been taken over by different teenage kid factions.

However, during the flashback sequence it basically shows that the MC broke up with Sam, so it showed the whole circumstances of them being together in a relationship etc. However this was basically the MC's first "serious" relationship, then they boned basically, then... he finds out that she is a very promiscuous girl. Like, "fucked a lotta dudes in school" promiscuous. Like a LOT of dudes. The MC feels betrayed by this as he thought she was also a virgin, gets pissed off, and then calls her a slut and then breaks up with her. I mean she is extremely pretty, can't really expect a girl like that to not be riding the cock carousel immediately going into high school or even midway through it.

So eventually the MC finds sam, they stop a nuclear bomb detonation, and the MC expects to get back together with Sam and says as such. But Sam just looks at him like

and then is like "No... no." like she's trying to push a dog to the floor for jumping up onto someone, gently. And then complains that he doesn't know her (I don't see how he even had any time to learn any of her likes and dislikes considering they were fucking for 2 weeks and probably didn't even talk about any deep life issues or likes/dislikes) and then...

Needless to say at she ends up falling into a tyrannical role (IMPLIED) over a lot of the kids who stopped a nuclear bomb detonation (long story I guess), but I could see a season 2 where MC flees with a handful of kids and lives in general squalor trying to protect everyone while Sam tries to track them down and kill/capture them alongside other Teenage tribes in the area.

He also fucks some asian poon so that's cool I guess? But then that gets him in trouble with Sam later after he finds her, which, again, is stupid, even though, yes, it is hypocritical of him to be mad at her for having sex with other people outside of their own relationship even being STARTED. That literally makes no sense. Like, I can't really be mad that a woman I fall in love with has had a fucking SEX LIFE, OOoOOoOooO SPOOPY! So in this respect, the MC is just being a baby about it, and I'm pretty sure at no point Sam did not explicitly say she was a virgin, he just assumed based on her image. Which, again, assuming makes an ass out of you and me, so, yknow. That and him having sex with 1 girl while, AGAIN, outside of a relationship with Sam since at this point in the show, when the show starts, they are broken up and are for the duration of the show basically up to literally the end of the show, she can't really get mad at him for having sex with 1 woman when she's been with like 50 dudes. Yes, he's a hypocrite but the issue is a lot more expansive than that, but I'm not gonna delve into that here, frankly I don't have the brainpower right now lol.

tl;dr the MC of daybreak is a pussy around women and when women aren't around, he's an okay character. The show was actually pretty good overall though, I liked Wesley as a samurai character in it. Angelica was cool too. Actually come to think of it, the MC was really the only non-memorable character. Jeez.

Money. & games

I forwarded myself $40 from the Earnin app.

I bought lunch from a greek place for delivery ($27).

Then I was gonna save the rest and then saw I had added an American Truck Simulator thing to my cart previously... and it was 13 dollars on sale for a bundle. Soooooo I bought it.

Why am I like this. I literally have $0 to be doing this with... god dangit.

Also I keep wanting to flip games, but I always just don't want to play anything else because I want to record, but I also just want to play a game and have a video going in the background and I can't do both. I feel like I'm being torn in half from some weird autism versus normal functions being treated via ADHD meds.

Aggggghhhh

Gamesssss

I am having so much trouble getting into video games now. I've recently played for at most a week:

• Anno 1800
• Assassin's Creed Odyssey
• Ghost Recon Breakpoint (had to open the Uplay app for this one, didn't remember the name)
• The Outer Worlds (Ultimate gamepass on PC is great, Xbox app)
• Disco Elysium (played for a few days now, recording for Youtube but I'll probably drop it soon)
• Jurassic World Evolution
• Need to Know
• Total War Warhammer 1
• Total War Warhammer 2
• Archeage: Unchained (getting pretty bored with this one since you can just do a specific quest chain all the way to max level -_-)

Probably a few more. I just... god I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I've been watching a fuckton of Lucifer on Netflix and I'm on the last season almost now. Been watching for like ... idk a month now on and off etc.

I just can't get into games like I used to. I bought the Outlaw pass for RDR2Online as well and made my gold bars back in that using the pass's rewards so I can get the next one. Got a bunch of outfits and maxed out the level on it, but I only really play with Mage + Storm on weekends for the community stuff they do at the moment on Saturdays.

Lately I've just been wanting to watch shows more and more and play games less, and it's making me so mad. At most I can only play a game for an hour, if it's new to me maybe 2-3 hours and then it's back to "what to playyyyyyy" while watching Netflix and poking around Steam and Uplay and ... well mostly Steam really I guess lol. 

I wish I could retain money better -_-. I went to the movies today (took the day off from work for an event with Mage on his stream since I didn't wanna miss it... it's gonna be really painful for me tomorrow lol) and went and saw The Lighthouse. I paid 30 dollars for snacks at the movies. THIRTY DOLLARS. I also ate most of everything I got. Large popcorn, mozzarella sticks, large soda, chocolate covered raisins. Movie popcorn is really the best popcorn lol.

The movie was, I'll just say, interesting at best and weird at worst. It didn't really come together in the end and apparently the writer thinks that 4 weeks without fucking a woman = so much sexual pent up energy you go insane, among other factors in the movie. That's a fucking joke lol. I had to look up what the movie was about afterwards and turns out I was just looking way too deeply into it.

Ugh I just feel so bloated right now, doesn't help me when I wanna play games but all I wanna do is lay down and go to sleep too. Agggghhh.

Ugh, so tired... I'm just so mad at myself I can't play things because they're boring anymore god dang it. Death Stranding comes out next week and I guarantee I'm gonna breeze through that shit in a week or whatever. I dunno, dangit.

Welp, student loans

Welp student loans rolling in. I have to pay half of 30k because I only did half of my schooling.

15k. At 61 dollars a month for 12 months a year until its paid off.

God I hope I get a fucking raise soon. I should have known I wasn't fucking smart enough to do schooling in any capacity for anything.

Now I definitely have to hold off on driving. God damn it. Well, I knew what I was in for and I still did it like an idiot so whatever. Shotgun being a way out is still an option cause it's not like I have anything to live for but video games and fast food. -_-

Vidja gaems

So I've been noticing a pattern with how I'm playing video games.

• I start playing the game
• I start talking to people about the game (online or IRL, doesn't matter)
• I start looking at the subreddit for the game
• I play maybe an additional 10 hours of the game
• I drop the game entirely despite trying to play it every night

It's been the pattern for every frieakin' game I've been playing for the past... fuck almost 10 years pretty much. I end up looking up tips/guides for stuff I'm stuck on, end up on the subreddit for the game, end up subscribing to the subreddit, then I see stuff from the subreddit at work, and I guess it just... stealthily burns me out on the game? Idk.

I do actually enjoy watching Mage play games and chatting with the community (i.e. sometimes only me talking since I'm usually watching at work nowadays in-between calls) and stuff. When I'm at home I just have Mad Men on in the background right now even, but I have it on when I play games. I can only play for an hour or two at a time before I just... stop and just want to sit there and watch the show or whatever I have playing on my other screen. I even went to bed at 2 AM last night, fucking 3 hours early because I just felt so... I dunno, useless? Bored? I typically don't, or didn't, go to bed when I'm/I was bored, I went and played video games.

Browsed Steam for a while, nabbed a few other games from sources on the internet, played one, don't feel like playing Anime Dark Souls (Code Vein) right now... so I'm writing this, I guess.

I dunno, losing my "ADHD flare" on my actions I would normally do during my off-time outside of work is just making me... fucking dull, man. I mean, I was already pretty damn dull but just... agh. Video games are my damn LIFE and they're just... dropping off the face of my life, slowly. Thing is if I didn't have my computer and video games, I'd just be coming home at 11:30 PM and just going straight to reading LitRPGs on my phone and going to sleep, completely obliterating my free time that I value so much.

I dunno, is this what "normal" people feel like? Is this why people get second jobs, because they need something to occupy their time when they can't actually do anything else with their damned lives?

I had to pay 27 bucks for my new ADHD meds today, which is cheaper than the 50 I had to pay for 60 150mg pills, now I just get 30 300mg pills, but still, ugh. And I have to pay about 100 bucks for each psych visit where we both know nothing is really going to change.

I should probably note down my lack of interest in video games though and my increased interest in watching tv shows though, I don't think I mentioned that at my last visit.

Also I have to go to some rando lab to get tested for low Testosterone and thyroid issues which I most likely 100% have, I just don't know if I can pay for the damn tests. That and the place near me that did the testing is closed now and I only had time to call the one place that morning... ugh.

I also have a lunch... interview? Meetup? Something. With a recruiter from TekSystems to potentially match me with a job that will pay me what I'm fucking worth cause right now I'm working for a fucking pittance doing data migrations/email migrations and it sucks, along with troubleshooting Outlook issues and moving emails and setting up Office 365 for people... it's like having the most narrow scope in terms of actual experience in a field, but I've been troubleshooting software in general for, fucking 13 years on my own. I can't really "put that" on a resume though because it wasn't in a "ticket" environment, just various video games and software, but more particularly in my current job the last 2 years.

I gotta find my damn polo shirt... probably gonna be expected to buy lunch with this guy too so I'm gonna have to forward myself like 50 bucks since we're meeting at some expensive Italian place. Ugh.

I just keep reminding myself it's just a rocky patch right now and I'll get through it, I always do, but after starting these meds I've been looking more and more at my ceiling fan and wondering if it will support my weight so I can just hang myself. I'm so done with people talking to me with "fluffy words that literally mean jack shit" at work and I'm done with the fucking "office politics". It's so stupid. I guarantee I'm not even going to get a raise during my review this year, or if I do, it's going to be a fucking pittance like 0.25 cents instead of the AT LEAST 1 dollar raise I was promised for meeting the fucking promotion requirements of 10 website builds/migrations and getting the stupid Microsoft certification that I had to spend 100 dollars on to get + have the company pay for the second test, and luckily I passed that one and didn't make an idiot out of myself. But I literally met the requirements and it's been almost a full year since then, it will be in about 6 months from now.

Just... ugh. I guess, play stupid games, win stupid prizes applies here since I got a job in IT that I wanted, it just ended up being with a company that was poorly managed for years. I'd mention the previous owners here but I don't want to draw attention to my blog or something. But I basically joined the company right after management was changed and policies and infrastructure started to be placed.

I dunno man, I'm just glad I took the next few Thursdays off, cause gawd damn 3 day weekends are what I need right now. Especially from my co-worker at work who just wants to complain allll the time and not take my fucking advice.

That's another thing too, like fucking people just... don't take what I tell them seriously and ask for second opinions.I fucking know what I'm talking about unless I literally say "BUT I'M NOT SURE YOU SHOULD ASK xxxxxxxxxxxx". Like motherfucker I've been doing this for 2 years now, I'm pretty sure I'm more experienced than the asshole who's never in the fucking office and I don't get customer blowback like most of these idiots BECAUSE I DO MY FUCKING JOB TO THE SPECIFICATIONS THAT HAVE BEEN OUTLINED. And then I end up being correct about the problem or whatever or the other "person" they ask just gives them the same information I just fucking gave them.

But whatever, no one has listened to me my entire life, why should anyone start now. Why WOULD anyone start now, of all the years to start. I feel like I was brought into some meetings not for my actual knowledge but because I was just "on the team".

God I feel fucking useless and I've felt this way for so long it's a wonder I'm even still here while feeling this useless. Probably only because I at least have a community that feels like at least someone wants me around that I'm a part of. Mostly. More than work. Probably why I'm stretching my efforts to be there during work hours now tbh. /shrug. I'd bring up my previous relationship but at least I was wanted around for at least a month out of those damned 6 years, shit.

Well I've been writing/watching Mad Men for an hour and it's 4 AM so I'm gonna go to bed.

Fuck people.

D&D: night 5? I think?

So I've been running with a Cyberpunk 2020 group on TLM's stream every Friday and it's been great.

Tonight, we continued with our story where in the previous game I basically clamped a woman with my cybernetic loader arm (think loader arm from Alien) and I lifted her up to take her with us for information from a Rock Emporium (Rock N' Roll Emporium, various paraphenalia from rock n roll stars etc), when 3 dudes come rolling up to us in the store with hands in their pockets and they're straight in front of me. I pull my Armitech Manstopper (.44 Armor Piercing rounds) and our last session stopped there.

Beginning of this session, we began from there and since I was in that position from the beginning we immediately got into a fight, and, I can't review the fight too much cause it was mostly exchanging bullets and stuff, but eventually we got out of the building with me holding the woman.

So we went to the bottom right side of the building, and we were like "well we can scout the front since the van we rolled up to this place in is in the front" and we went around the back of the building (think a 2d square on paper for the building) to the upper right corner, (left side of the square is the front) and then I stayed there while Mage stayed at the bottom to lure in the other guards ("if there were any) and Bones (phantomthief) and Ossun (nosferatu) (handles in stream) went to go scout the front. They saw 4 dudes standing guard at the front. So Bones threw a Disc Grenade that killed 2, and Ossun tried to throw one, but he rolled a fumble... and he dropped it. Bones took off lol back down out of the blast radius, and Ossun got a little away from the grenade, but he got hit by it and flung into the road and killed. So Bones had to go resurrect him from death (Bones is the medic for the group) and then Omen (Mage) went around the other side of the building, got into a car that a guard was standing right by, floors it into our van, both guards fumble their rolls and the left guard shoots the right guard, and left guard gets hit by Omen backing up the truck into him, instantly killing him as he runs him over.

Oh, also earlier on, I attempt to question the lady who I'm clamping with my loader arm whose arm is also broken, and she's just screaming bloody murder the whole time. So I try and roll Intimidate and ask, "WHY DO YOU KNOW FARGO WELLS!?" but I rolled... an 8. So that's what I think I'm saying, but what I really said, was "HEEEEEUGH FODHFD URRRRRRRHUGHHHHHH". I did this twice and failed the other roll too. The DM making the noises of what I was "actually saying" fucking killed the whole group laughing lol.

Also when we were at the upper right of the building, Bones sedated her and she stayed sedated until we gave her to our "bosses" who first suggested we take her and question her, and then decided against it so they took her and questioned her. We went to a hospital for 3 days and paid 15,000 Eddies (money basically) out of the 20k that Gregovitch gave us (the "spokesperson" for the boss man we are in contact with basically). Then we got out of the hospital after 3 days and Gregovitch contacted us and gave us some information to continue with our story, so next time we have to swing by the base again and hopefully have ME talk to Gregovitch cause Omen doesn't know what the f he's doing (he got shanked by Gregovitch because he asked for money to go to the hospital). Or literally anyone else rofl.

All in all, good session. Now time to watch Dr. Stone and eat the rest of my subway sandwich after getting some soda from QT.

Pizza and Soda.

Best feelgood meal ever. What a time to be alive.

I did eat the whole large pizza today though :< Pizza Hut pizzas aren't huge though, the larges.

Back to Anno 1800.

Feeling better.

Man it's been a while since I just... had my thoughts snowball and I got them down and out.

Feelsgoodman.jpg

Hoo boy the feels train is here toot toot

https://www.reddit.com/r/wow/comments/dbhzyx/spouses_of_wow_gamers_what_do_you_do_when_your_so/

Holy hell this lady is literally dealing with me from like 9 years ago up to 2 years ago with Haley. I even wonder how old the guy in the post is, her husband or whatever. The feels train is real man and I regret every minute of unspent time with Haley that I spent on video games.

Fucking hell I'm getting soft mate(agh no the australians are invading my brain). I was just thinking how at this point I'd hop right back into the relationship boat if she wanted to get back together again. These meds man. I can't deny the companionship would be great and I'd be a better person than I was back then for sure, but... man. Man oh man oh man I can't do that to myself. She's moved on and I may never move on. But as long as she's happy. Or, well, I hope she is, I'll never know.

I do kind of regret not reading that last email either that she sent me but at the same time I was an idiot, getting into a "tizzy" over spending 200 bucks on helping her get meds for her anxiety. Manipulation flaring up through email isn't good, which is why I stopped emailing her, to nip that in the bud immediately.

To be honest at that point I was just trying to, as much as I hate to say it, and I am SO not that person, but I am a dude, get some sex through "friendly gestures". Which, again, falls into the manipulative nice guy category. I still remember that car ride to that psych's office and her just like... absolutely crushing my hand but me being okay with it because it was the only human skin contact I'd had all year.

These meds are also causing me to fall into self-loathing pits every now and again due to my life status, as well as just pining for someone to be with even though, haha, I'm not really "making an effort" to get out there or anything. I mean, I don't really know how to to begin with so there's that, but also because I still feel like I haven't "put down" that manipulative part of myself yet unfortunately and it's still biting me in the ass to this day. And I really don't want to expose anyone else to that, even though I am aware of it. If I fall into a comfortable routine with someone and I just... I've done it at work and that's a place I canNOT afford to do that in, cause it will get me fired faster than you can say "Information Technology".

I just see so much of myself, or my past self rather, in that post, it's nuts. Coming from that other person's perspective and it's just... the man is 100% taking her for granted. And I'm not white-knighting here, I'm trying to actually save someone else from emotional manipulation, because that's basically what that relationship is going to come down to.

Fuck me, man. I'm glad I'm not in that headspace anymore and am taking responsibility for my own actions, but I just... I just kind of wish I had done it sooner. I do miss her, I'll admit it. It's been what... 4 years? 3 years? Ye gods I'm still crap at keeping time over long periods, haha. But the saying is true, "Ain't no sunshine..." wait, wrong one. "You don't know what you have until it's gone." And the amount of times I repeated that to myself during that relationship and still acted the way I did is fucking atrocious.

I do partially blame my now-diagnosed ADHD though. I'd probably be able to sit through a game of monopoly now, or that one game where you make a Cthulhu monster, or any other number of games we played together that I just "dipped" out of halfway through because I was "bored". Gods I regret that so fucking much. I'm not one to dwell but I have a feeling that that relationship will ruin my entire life just because I'll think of the end of it all the goddamn time. Or rather just the whole thing where I was just a retard the whole time. Hurrdurr.

I don't think anyone knows the amount of times I've come home to this empty apartment and just wished for her to be here, for someone to be here, presumably not to kill me or steal my shit, or both lol.

Would it have been weird that the door was locked and they got in? Yeah.

But still. I... am kind of ashamed of saying that as well, because I am vehemently against getting into another relationship but she was just so... on the level with me. I don't think she felt the same way about me at all. Maybe for a little while, but definitely not for long.

The amount of times I've wanted to email her to see how she's doing or whatnot, or just... I don't know. I know I'm only thinking of that because, well, I'm lonely here. I mean, yeah, sure, tonight I did play a game I enjoyed with no interruptions, and I enjoyed a "meal" if you can call it that of mashed potatoes and chicken nuggets and didn't have to feed anyone else, which is a plus, but I mean if I had another person living here who also had a job, it'd be nice y'know?

I dunno, man... money is always the root of all my goddamn problems and I can't ever seem to get enough of it to dig myself out of this shitty hole. And I don't think she would have enjoyed eating only chicken nuggets for the past... wow it's been 2 months since I moved in here already. 3? Not sure.

But I've literally only been eating Albertson's brand chicken nuggets which are WAY cheaper than any other brand's stuff. I can add instant mashed potatoes to the things I can buy and eat that take like, no prep.

I dunno, if she was here I'd probably be way more open to cooking too. I liked cooking for someone, for her at least. I enjoyed cooking at my mom's place (a very extremely tiny bit) even if it was just dumping shit into a crock pot and then Krissy would eat the whole goddamn thing -_-.

Goddamnit I'm getting all mushy and I hate it. I need to distract myself damn it.

But she just understood me very well. "But Setari", you say, "You can have that connection with other people too, it just takes some effort." And that is precisely why I do not want to in this day and age. But why would I put effort into something that may fail? That isn't at least a 75% success rate for myself? And I don't absolutely need someone in my life romantically like I did when I was a teen cause I was an idiot, but would it be nice? Maybe, if they were a functioning person outside of the house perhaps. But the risk is too great for me at the moment and also, I'm pretty sure I'd end up being a "drunk fuck" and end up getting arrested for rape or something. I'm not the prettiest to look at.

And I mean, we weren't together but it didn't take long for her to form a "casual sexual relationship" with a random guy on the internet, so... I dunno. She wasn't as special as I thought I guess. Maybe her anxiety had made her one way, but when we fixed it it just made her unashamed to do that under a roof someone else was paying her way for, which, yes, I'm still pissed about. I'm not sure what else I expected to be honest, though. Would I have done the same thing if I had formed a connection with another girl on the internet?

I can't say for sure but I wouldn't have been an idiot and done it while the person paying for the damn apartment that was still attached to me was home. Gods I still remember coming up behind her and just hearing "Oh yeah cum inside me". BIG OOF. The biggest oof there ever was to my feelings. It's funny because I don't really remember the setting even though I know where everything was. Bookcase to my right, the futon she was sleeping on to my left, her desk in front of me with her in the chair. Big yikes.

But, we weren't together and she had every right to be doing whatever she wanted to be doing, I was just too attached. I am still too attached. It's almost a saving grace, no, it is a saving grace, that she didn't stick around in town or whatever, shit, I probably would have offed myself if I saw her on a daily basis or something. Although I am vehemently against killing yourself over a breakup, so, probably not. But it would have emotionally hurt like a biiiiiiiiiitch. [Insert Key & Peele biiiiiiitch sketch here]

But would I really want the worry? A worry that someone would be cheating on me while I was at work, while they were at work? I guess that's why trust exists as a thing, but, still. Living with that feeling for 6 years isn't fun as well. She probably felt that way too sometimes, or a lot of the time, I dunno. Though I was immature throughout my early and mid 20's, so I feel like I'd be handling that a lot better now.

Also I want to bring up the point that relationships are weird. Like you're sleeping next to a person who could just randomly decide to get up and slice you up while you're asleep or something. Shit's weird, man. I know I'm kind of taking it to the extreme, but it's true. Also I've been tending to think about, since I ride a scooter to work and home at 11 PM at night, the fact that someone could easily speed by me with like a razor sharp sword or machete and just chop my head clean off and no one would know, or find out who killed me. Kinda weird to think about. I mean I hope it doesn't happen, but it could, I guess. 0.000000001% chance is still a chance. I think about that relationship bit a lot though. Also, how does - okay, I'm writing this after the end of the post and I really need to get out of here - I want to understand how a lady comes to actually like a guy and want to just be around him. That's one thing I don't understand and will never understand, and it makes me extremely insecure that I don't understand that. There are smoking hot women who are with just... garbage bags of dudes and I'm just like... "How?". I mean, she's probably definitely banging on the side but still. This is also prevalent mostly with Mexican women and Mexican dudes. The dudes are usually huge and the women usually are sexy af, but they have kids together and are husband and wife. I just... blows my mind man. Or even how Haley came to like me. I just don't get it. And I couldn't put that feeling into words at the time, which contributed to my insecurity in the relationship as a whole, which, y'know, didn't help matters any. I don't see any attractive qualities in myself, but I guess that's a human thing is you're around your own self so much you don't see what other people might be able to see in you. Which, I understand fully, but still... still. OKAY I'M LEAVING BYE BLOG POST BYE WORDS BYE ORANGE BLOGGER LOGO BYE, BYE, BYE, BYEEEEE! Fml. Biggest feeling of vertigo ever right now trying to rip myself away from this, fuuuuuck. Okay off to play video games... now.

I mean every now and again I look through my spam box for an email from her, just maybe I'd chance upon it. Or my inbox. On that note, her excuses for replying to my emails after she went home were lame. My emails "suddenly decided to end up in my spam box after they previously didn't". Yeah fucking right. That's not how email works and I most definitely am now well versed in how email works, thanks to work. Ah well. I mean I can't blame her for not wanting to reply anyway, the whole thing was still fresh tbh and she was spending time with family instead of being on the computer, which I can get. That... *eye twitches* 2200 dollar computer that I dumped 1,100 dollars on *eye twitches* and she only played WoW on it *eye twitches furiously*. "Gamer gurrrrlz"!

Gah I need to go play Dragon Age or something. Finished up the War questline on WoW today. Fucking last cinematic sucked and Sylvanas can suuuuuck my diiiiiick for killing Saurfang and having weird death powers.

I've been writing here for 2 hours, gawddamn son. Guess I had a lot to let out. Damn these fucking pills. I want medication that will remove all emotion from me and just make me an automaton forever like I was before, only less ADHD and 100% more focus on work or whatever I'm doing at the time.

Okay, guess I'm done ranting. It's really shitty, more than anything mentally, I want to reach out and beg for the relationship back... but begging is beneath everyone in life and I, nor anyone should not do that. But I want to, and it's the stupidest feeling. As an MGTOW like myself would word it, "You're begging to be put back on the plantation". And that's not something I want again, to be restricted in what I can say and do in life, in my own home. Being judged by someone else for things I like doing is never fun, particularly if you're literally placing your feelings in their hands. Though, the hypocrite side of me also shines there, cause I'm pretty sure I did that as well. Again, like an idiot.

OKAY I'M LEAVING THAT'S IT OFF TO VIDEO GAMES AND STEVE1989 MILITARY RATION OPENING VIDEOS OR SOMETHING, SHIT BRAIN TURN THE FUCK OFF PLEASE FOR LIKE 5 SECONDS JESUS FUCKING CHRIST AHHHHHHHHHHHHH GODDAMNIT

Oh also - fuck - I forgot to take my ADHD pills today and as soon as I got to work I was like "fuck" and I tried to work and I just... zoned out. I attempted to focus on my work but I just would not. I just wanted to impulsively open Reddit and fuck around and not do important shit I had to do. So I took a Lyft home, took my pills, and went back to work. 9 bucks down the drain because I forgot to do something when I get up in the morning, fuck. -_-

Okay that's it. Gnight everyone.

Okay I went and edited some other posts and I'm back here again 5 minutes later I WANT TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES FUCK

I still retain some of the "euphemisms"  we would use like referencing food as a different version of a word, like "spaghetti" being "spagooter", etc. Potatoes as "potabos" or whatnot. It really sucks cause it still feels like I'm in that situation and I have someone here with me. I guess whatever it takes to get through the day right?

Okay I'm done. CLOSING THE FUCKING TAB RN THAT'S IT DAMMIT.

Don't really feel like I have anything to do, but I do

I was just staring at my desktop with icons of my games on it and I'm just... so laden with option paralysis, it drives me nuts. Like... jesus effing christ. I have too many choices. I played some Jurassic Park Evolution, some GreedFall, both excellent games (one more than the other... *glares at JP:E*), watched some anime, polished off Kawaikereba Hentai demo Suki ni Natte Kuremasu ka? (Would you love a pervert as long as she's cute?). 

I didn't even watch episodes 10-11, I just skipped to 12 cause I was bored of the anime but wanted to find out who the MC ended up with. Turns out, basically his stepsister, I guess? It didn't really "close it up" with an ending so idk. Sayuki best girl though. Besides the weird master/pet fetish she has but at least it's less extreme than the other girls IMO.

I guess I'll go work on more JavaScript learning. I tried to get into a bootcamp for JS but unfortunately it runs when I'm working, and it's a classroom environment, so I have to be there for every session, and I can't do that with work right now. I desperately wish my mom wasn't such an idiot and my stepdad wasn't okay with sitting in a filthy house, yelling at a TV over some dumbass shit. I'd quit working and go to school full time.

But alas, I cannot, cause if I do I'll basically go homeless, and then I really can't attend any classes or anything lol. Shit, I almost didn't even make rent last month because I can't control my spending well. Yay low willpower. Obviously a personal problem but I can gripe about it here, f off.

It's almost 3 AM and I'm just like... I dunno dammit. I want to do something more with my life, be more productive, make more MONEY. But I'm so painfully average it literally hurts every aspect of my life. And then the more I try at something, or the more responsibility I'm loaded down with, it just feels like I'm dropping plates in very slow motion because I can't spin all these goddamn plates at once. Particularly at work where we have so many customers to handle and it gets overwhelming at times. I try not to take frequent breaks (which is better now considering the ADHD medication I'm on, much more focused on tasks and work) but it's just a lot sometimes. 

I dunno man. I dunno if I'll ever amount to anything other than what I am now, and I blame my upbringing for this. TV shows telling kids "YOU'RE SPESHUL!" and "YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO" and all that other bullshit.

I can't start my own company, I don't know how. I can't make more money because work doesn't value my input. I can't get a better job because I don't know anything useful enough to be hired anywhere else.

I got to speak with Zander tonight as well, seems he's doing alright. Struggling to get a job though, but at least he has a place to go with his parents and his girlfriend. The guy's a neurotic wreck but he was still my best work friend and I'd like to work alongside him again if only for the video game talk every now and again. That and the rides home sometimes didn't hurt, heh. But he's doing well. I recommended a contracted position to him that I had offered to me from Intuit that pays like 20 bucks an hour, but it's only for 4 months, so I didn't take them up on it. Mostly because I couldn't afford to not be hired after the fact and then be job hunting again. I need a full time job offer, full stop.

It's the lack of skills that's getting me man, and it sucks. Because no matter how much I do something I can barely advance beyond "beginner" level anymore. Video game gets too hard? Cheats. Don't wanna wash clothes because lazy? Don't. Don't wanna... do some other tedious thing? Don't. I'm deeply considering not even going into work tomorrow because of how bad I feel, man. 

Am I getting depression? Is this what depression feels like? Just the want to not do anything because I'm a fucking failure at life, and it weighs on me every subgke dat? 

Gibberish cause I found a cricket in my apartment and now it's camouflaged with my carpet. Great. The one time this carpet sucks da donkey dick.

I'm wondering how those are getting in too. I ended up having 2 fall in from my bathroom vent, dunno how, and now this one. Ugh. Oh well I guess.

Back to what I was discussing, just the want to not get out of bed? Or the fact I just don't want to do anything with my time, just sit here and do nothing? I'm really not sure, and I've never really felt this way before or been this self-depreciating as I am right now. I've always tried to be tough on the inside. I always visually imagined my soul (or, for a better metaphor I guess, my "mental state") encased in steel, but instead it's now just... extremely vulnerable to anything and everything. It's just... I dunno. I don't even know if I should tell my psych about it because it could just be a general "adhd medication" side effect, and he's not really there for... therapy. A therapist is for therapy, a psychiatrist is there to diagnose you and medicate you and check for side effects and that's it. Is this a side effect? I dunno.

I'm gonna go back to listening to Steve1989MREInfo on YouTube and I'll do some JavaScript on FreeCodeCamp I guess. I was doing it on Codeacademy but I couldn't really move forward there, so I'm trying FreeCodeCamp instead.

Aaaand now I'm gonna be feeling creepycrawlies on my legs all night, worse than normal. Great. GG life, you fucking win.

I keep seeing...

...variations on her name and it's pissing me the fuck off. 3 separate customers have had the same name in a week and now a JavaScript exercise. I know people can have the same name, it's just... very untimely. I tend to believe in weird "signs" too, and I feel like the universe is telling me to contact her or something.

But no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just no.

Just Mon.

Just Moni.

Just Monik.

Just Monika. /r/unexpectedDDLC lel

Also, I never realized how good rice krispy treats are. I'm ADDICTED AHHHH

Failure

Edit: Ayyyy 201 posts whining about the state of my life. Nice.

Edit 2: Great, paid rent and now they're charging the typical fees for water, trash, and pest which came to 25 bucks. I have 60 dollars left for 2 weeks. I'm probably going to end up using Earnin again and just keep repeating the cycle... I hate being stuck in this mini-payday loan cash thing.

I thought a lot about writing this on the way home from work after spending an additional hour at work tonight just redditing, waiting for my scooter to charge. It still didn't fully charge but I didn't want to be there after midnight, so I just left and barely made it home.

I still don't know what I really want to put here. Evidence I was alive? This whole blog is, plus people I've interacted with on the internet. My friends and dare I say it, family. My real family is a bunch of fucking idiots that can't tell their ass from their head.

A will? Who would I will stuff to? Probably Jake. Since I started taking these ADHD meds I've been kind of more susceptible to calling myself a failure and feeling bad about it. More susceptible to suicidal thoughts. I don't really have someone to come home to, or someone to talk to when I get home. Shit, if my mental state was really broken, maybe I could just form an imaginary companion to come home to instead and to talk about my day with.

I'm just so fucking useless to myself, and it sucks. I don't want to off myself, mostly because it's painful. No one knows how many hours I've spent looking for 100% helium tanks to off myself peacefully. To be honest if they had procedures where doctors just put you to sleep and you're just... gone, I probably would have done it a long time ago.

I don't know who to reach out to or who can help me with my fucking life and it sucks. And now I'm crying. Not how I wanted to spend my Friday of my week going into the weekend.

I usually block all this shit out. All day every day. But these meds are fucking making the walls like jello, man. Shit's just breaking through like a Kaiju through a massive city barrier or something.

I'm 27, can't drive, either use Lyft or walk or use a scooter to get to and from work, and I'm selling the scooter probably this weekend cause its on its last legs after only 3 weeks. Fucking worthless Amazon trash. The one thing that gets me though is driving. I wouldn't even be able to afford this apartment much less insurance on a car AND car payments AND the apartment. And I'd rather be homeless before fucking going back and living with my parents.

No one to share secrets with.

No one to share achievements with.

No one to do things with.

I know I preach that relationships are a waste of time, and I still 100% believe it, but, I dunno. I just want some fucking companionship in real life that's on my fucking level. At the same time I know I can't because of how manipulative I am. That "nice guy" mentality. I already hurt 1 person out of the billions on this planet because of it, and that's one too many.

This is the only outlet I have for dealing with these things. I guess it'll have to do.

Day in day out, wake up, eat, play some video games before work, go to work, deal with shit customers all day, come home, eat/play video games until 5 AM after getting home at 11PM (typically), sleep, rinse, repeat. That's all I've been doing ever since I moved into this apartment and I can't tell if it's driving me mad or what. I mean, I don't think it is, because I enjoy my time alone, and my solace and quiet. I say quiet but I typically have a YouTube video playing at almost all times unless I'm playing a game where I want to be involved in the story.

I just feel so... stupid. Like mentally stupid. I want to be book smart. I want to be a programmer or a web designer or developer or just a fucking IT guy making 35k a fucking year. I'm almost fucking 30. That's what really gets me. Pretty much with my status of my health, probably more than half my life is over or I'm nearing the midway point, if I even make it to 30. I always told people I'd die of a heart attack by 30 and I'm getting close so...

But the fact of the matter is that I'm pretty much 30 and have done nothing with my life because I am not smart. I am good at being told what to do and I will do it so long as I have some inkling of how I'm supposed to do it, but I'm not good at being a leader, I'm not cut out for a managerial role in any capacity. For fuck's sake I still mentally feel like I'm 19. I still feel like I'm about to go to work at Circle K tomorrow and lift BiBs and move cup boxes and shit, not doing what I'm doing now. And even then doing what I'm doing now is no glorious feat either, I only got in by pure luck and fudging that I knew what Office 365 was. Now I have a deep understanding of it, but still. And it's a dead end job. I'm not working towards anything. I'm not - cool I'm crying again, nice - headed toward any goal anymore. I used to be, but I'm just floating aimlessly now. I have no job goals, no personal goals. I'm just a formless, non-intelligent dumb person floating in space, just going through the grind every day.

I just want more money. Money would literally solve all of my fucking problems.

But I just need fucking MONEY. I just need to pay my credit cards off and all my bills and I'll be free as a bird.

Well, I guess I'm just going to go eat mushy chicken nuggets with ketchup and watch the Astra anime. Tried to get some jack-in-the-box but since I left work late they closed the interior. I could order some on doordash but eh, I'd rather order some tomorrow to eat with watching Dr. Stone. Probably the only bright thing I have in my life is the anime I'm watching and the video games I'm playing, and TheLastMage's streams.